Never Go Home Again - Spock/Kirk [part 2]
Wow, this is the first time I've ever had to deal with word limits in LJ cuts....it's strangely exciting!!
Here's part 2. Thanks for reading.
7
It was an unusually quiet day on the bridge, compared to the normal controlled chaos that typically was par for the course on the Enterprise. Ever since ‘the incident’, however, tensions between his bridge staff had been high. And it wasn’t just tension between the crew and the captain. There was a noticeable tension between Chekov and Sulu too, most likely a result of Chekov’s failed attempt to reconcile with Kirk. He doubted that Sulu really even knew what exactly Chekov had been doing. All he probably needed to know was that anything that had to do with Kirk these days was bad news. And hell, apparently Chekov was giving his friend the silent treatment.
Jim had to resist a small smile. Sometimes, the most juvenile tricks still worked like magic. Sulu was quite obviously bristling under the effects.
And to the side, Uhura was primly standing next to Spock, speaking to him in low, dulcet tones for their ears only. He didn’t even bother trying to listen in on what was probably an intimate conversation. He didn’t believe for a second, however, that his first officer and communications officer were planning on resuming their old relationship. That ship had sailed long ago. Nevertheless, there was nothing stopping them now from being all buddy-buddy against Kirk. It was obviously one of Uhura’s favorite pastimes. And if seeing was believing, newly one of Spock’s as well.
Kirk stood up from the captain’s chair, causing many eyes to unconsciously lift and follow his movements towards the bridge’s main viewscreen. He stared out into space for a few seconds, shifting his weight from one leg to the other, and reached out to touch the glass. There was something he had been thinking about that he couldn’t get out of his mind.
“Ensign Chekov.” He called, causing the mentioned young man to sit at attention. He was aware that most of the bridge was watching them.
“I have something of a philosophical question for you, Ensign. Would you like to hear it?” Kirk turned around and loosely draped his arms across his torso, putting the entire bridge within his sight. By this point, however, he had become frighteningly good at ignoring all of the stares. Chekov must have gained some of this ability too, for he didn’t even hesitate before nodding yes.
Jim tilted his head to the side, contemplating. This was going to be a tricky conversation, but it was one he felt needed to be had. At the very least, he had enough confidence in Chekov to be able to follow this through to the end. He gave the twittering ensign a contemplative look.
“Have you ever felt before like you truly knew someone, only to learn that everything you thought you knew was a lie?”
Chekov blinked in surprise, while several other crewmembers whispered under their breaths. It wasn’t like Kirk had demanded or dissuaded their attention. If they chose to ignore this little spectacle, then power to them. This wasn’t necessarily a private conversation by any means, just an honest to God philosophical inquiry. Sort of.
And if Uhura happened to turn his way and stare in annoyed confusion, well then that was just a bonus. . .
. . . he noticed Spock shift in his seat out of the corner of his eye. The Vulcan wasn’t turned towards them, but there was a noticeable tilt to his head. Inside of his own head, Kirk’s mind was screaming without his consent. Understand! Understand what I’m saying!
“I do not think I understand, Keptain.” Chekov replied, biting his lip in thought.
Kirk nodded. “Yes, I suppose it’s a strange question. It varies from person to person.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, it just so happens that I’ve found myself caught in such a situation.” He turned and gazed back out into space, watching his reflection in the glass. “How does one deal with such a thing? You think you know someone, and then everything is pulled out from under your feet.”
“What in the world are you talking about?” Uhura finally interjected, butting into the conversation with little grace. Jim was surprised. He hadn’t expected for her to get involved so soon.
“It’s exactly how I make it sound, Lieutenant. Someone who I once held in great esteem has done something to make me change my mind about them. It’s terribly confusing and more than a little disorienting.” He shot her an empty smile, enjoying the way she got tenser and tenser the more he spoke. He would bet his captaincy that she thought she knew what he was talking about.
“I beg your pardon, Sir, but I’m sure that regardless of whatever this person has done, it’s not like it’s a rare occurrence in the universe. As such, it’s not a difficult problem to come to a suitable solution to.” She coldly informed him, the word ‘hypocrite’ reflecting in her eyes. She was barely keeping what must have been an impressive sneer off of her face. Kirk felt the smile on his face getting stiff. Chekov was looking back and forth between the two of them, his worry growing by the second.
“Ah, Keptain-” He started.
“And what do you suggest I do about it, Uhura?” Jim inquired tightly. The tall woman huffed and tossed her hair over one shoulder.
“The answer is quite simple.” She spoke slowly, as if to a small child.
“If someone or something is causing you harm, then their continued presence would be detrimental and illogical.” She paused a shot him a dark smirk. “The solution is to eradicate all ties.”
“Lieutenant, that is enough-” Spock started to rise from his seat.
“Keptain no!” Chekov cried, jumping to his feet. Sulu jerked violently beside him, along with several other bridge members who were watching the spectacle with growing confusion and concern.
Kirk’s smile bloomed into something a little crazed, showing too much teeth as he gripped his elbows.
“Pavel, what are you doing?” Sulu whispered loudly, trying to pull his friend back into his seat. Chekov swatted away his hands and glared.
“Do not touch me, Hikaru.” He ordered. Sulu visibly wilted at the helm. Kirk’s smile dimmed at that.
“Well, this has certainly been an enlightening conversation. I don’t know why we don’t do this more often.” Of course, if they did, there was a greater possibility that his crew would start coming to physical blows, which would in turn make Bones crazy pissed. “Thank you for your valuable input Lieutenant. It has me helped reach a conclusion regarding some things I need to take care of.” He nodded towards Uhura, who finally let a little bit of her sneer free. “Next shift starts in a few minutes. Mister Spock, please take the con until then.” Spock nodded slightly off to the side, actually looking at Jim for what felt like the first time in weeks. He died a little bit inside.
“Mr. Chekov.” The navigator nearly jumped at the call. “Please join me in the mess hall when your shift is over. I’d love to finish this conversation.”
“Of-of course, Sir.” Chekov said softly, slowly sitting back down at watching Kirk with frightened eyes as the youngest captain in Starfleet sauntered his way off of the bridge.
8
Pavel caught up with him just as he was stepping into the near-empty mess hall, proving that all of those medals for running track weren’t just for show. Jim smiled and put a fond arm around the younger man’s shoulders, leading them merrily toward the replicators.
“What’ll it be, Checkers? You know, you and I don’t hang out as much as we should. Hell, I can’t remember a time when we ever ate dinner just the two of us. Can you?” Sky blue eyes met blue-gray, almost begging him to go with the flow and not immediately bring the scene from the bridge into this conversation. Chekov shrugged uncertainly and allowed Kirk to remove his arm when they made their selections. They made it to a table and had barely sat down before everything that had been contained in Pavel on the bridge finally spilled over. He braced both hands on the table surface and stuttered.
“I-I want to go with-”
“No.” Kirk ordered abruptly, his sudden harshness causing the younger man to flinch. Chekov wrung his fingers and opened his mouth uselessly.
“I. . .” His voice sounded a little teary, causing Kirk to shift forward.
“You need to stay.” He softened his tone and placed a hand on the navigator’s shoulder. It didn’t surprise him that the smartest man on the ship was this close to figuring out all of the pieces to the puzzle that he didn’t even have any clues for. It made a part of Kirk feel warm inside, happy to know that despite all of the cruelty he had endured of late, some people weren’t willing to simply let what they were told to be the truth.
“Without you, this ship would probably run into the broad side of the next planet it flies past. Seriously, I have never met a more talented young man, and I have full confidence that you’re gonna leave your mark in the world of physics.” He tried to lighten the mood, happy when Chekov let a few weak chuckles escape him.
The navigator sniffed weakly, but smiled. “This is true.”
“Besides, I need someone on the inside.”
“You are making us sound like characters from one of Hikaru’s silly spy novels.”
“He’s such a geek.” Kirk rolled his eyes, fondness for his pilot leaking through despite himself.
“I am liking geeks very much.” Chekov revealed. Kirk’s brows furrowed.
“You. . . ” His eyes widened and he slapped a hand on the table, voice suddenly dropping to a harsh whisper as something that should have incredibly obvious proceeded to smack him in the face. “You and Sulu? Oh my god! How did I not know this?” He gasped.
Chekov stared at him with wide, delighted eyes, hands covering his mouth to contain his smile. “We have been together for half a year. I too am surprised that you did not know this. It is not like Hikaru is, ah, what is the word,” He waved his hand around airily, “subtle.”
Kirk laughed, feeling a weight lift off of his shoulders. “No, I’ll give you that. Sulu wouldn’t know subtle if you clocked him in the head with it.”
Chekov frowned, pursing his lips. “I am not liking this image you are making up. I know Hikaru has been an idiot lately, but I think he has done well not to punch you in the face when you talk to me. Which is admittedly more than usual since, ah. . .” He paused there, not sure how to voice ‘the incident’ in so many words.
Jim smiled sadly across the table and looked down at his turkey sandwich.
“I appreciate everything you’ve done, Ensign Chekov.”
Pavel leaned back a little, wilting inside when he realized where this conversation was heading. “Thank you, Keptain Kirk.” He whispered. He played thoughtlessly with his meal, his appetite gone, and snuck glances at the heroic man he’d always aspired to be like. Finally, he asked, “How much longer?”
Jim looked to the side, taking in the magnificent, mundane lives of his crew at rest. He was really going to miss it.
9
Leave it to Bones to ask the hard questions when all Jim really wanted to do was curl up on the CMO’s office couch and drown in a good bottle of Tennessee whiskey.
“You what?!” Bone exploded, incredulity written on every line of his body. “What do you mean you’ve never actually tried to explain things to Spock? Why the hell haven’t you talked to him yet?” Bones yelled, his face turning red in anger. “I can’t believe you Jim! Since when are you the type of guy to just let things like this go on. Talk to him! Beg on your knees if you have to!”
“I, well, it’s kinda hard to explain, Bones.”
“Jesus.” McCoy dragged a tired hand down his face. “And all this time, I thought that idiot was ignoring you despite any attempts you’d made to reconcile. And now I find out that you’ve barely spoken two words to him since Sirius VII.”
Jim tensed up at the mention of the planet, causing McCoy to shoot him a small, apologetic look, before relaxing back into the cushions, playing with the fraying edge of a throw pillow Bones was too proud to admit he’d bought himself on their last shore leave.
“Like I said, it’s complicated.”
“Try me.”
“Alright Doctor McCoy, see if you wanna try this one on for size.” Jim gave him an annoyed glare. “I’ve tried, but like, Spock’s projecting.” He ran a hand through his hair in irritation, trying to figure out how to explain this to his friend when it confused him just as much. Plus, it kinda really hurt to think about.
“Jim.” McCoy started, but Kirk cut him off.
“You see, when we were together,” He swallowed heavily at the ache past tense brought him, “we hadn’t really formed a strong mental bond yet. I mean, there was a bond, but like, only just powerful enough to react during physical contact. Sometimes, we could tell what the other was feeling, the general mood, but not strong enough for much else.” He paused, eyes distant. “We were planning on having out bond recognized and strengthened by the Vulcan elders at the end of the mission. And well, that’s not really in the cards anymore.”
“What do you mean by projecting?” McCoy asked seriously, thankfully shelving all of the emotional baggage Jim had just uploaded on him and looking only at the medical side of the ordeal, the side he could hopefully do something about.
Jim shrugged, unsure how to explain. “Well, it’s like. . .like I can’t get too close to him, or stare at him too long without my head starting to hurt a little. I think it’s because his emotions are leaking through what little bond we have,” McCoy scoffed at that, and Jim glared. “but since I’m not the one with the telepathic shields, and because Spock usually has a bit more control over his emotions, I’m the only one who’s really feeling it.”
“Jesus.” McCoy muttered again, aghast. “So you’re saying that you’ve tried to talk with him, but whenever you get close to him your head starts to hurt? What the hell Jim? Why hasn’t this become a problem on the bridge?” Jim shook his head, negative.
“I never said it wasn’t. It’s just, on the bridge Spock’s mind is a little bit more controlled. He’s preoccupied with his duties, prioritizing his job over the fallout of our relationship, and. . . well, he’s got Uhura to keep him company now.” Jim shook his head. “He’s more concerned with keeping himself in check on the bridge than say, in the mess, or in the halls.”
“Sounds like you’ve had first-hand experience with this.”
“Ha! I tried to talk to him over a month ago. I literally got three sentences out of him before I damn near staggered into a wall. He offered to call sickbay for me. I think he thought I was drunk.” Jim huffed.
“Goddamn, who’d have thought that even if you wanted to apologize, which you do, Spock’s freaky telepathic voodoo won’t let you. What the hell are you supposed to do in a situation like this?”
“I dunno Bones. I dunno.”
McCoy sighed and pulled the bottle of whiskey out of Jim’s hands. “Well, that’s enough of this anyway. Back to your quarters. You’ve had more than enough to be a hazard if you went back up to the bridge.”
Jim rolled his eyes, but agreed, dragging his sorry hide out of McCoy’s office and out of sickbay. He had things to do, anyway.
He had preparations to make.
10
It happened at the senior staff meeting a day later.
Jim truly did wish he could say that he felt nervous or embarrassed by what he was about to do, but if he were to be completely honest with himself, there was only one thing he could say he felt.
He was tired.
“Alright, that concludes the reports from engineering, thank you Mr. Scott.” Jim said distractedly, glancing over the notes he’d made on his PADD. Scotty pursed his lips, but nodded and leaned back in his seat. Engineering had been the last department to report, and yet they were all still sitting there, waiting to be released by the captain who had yet to end the meeting. A quick glance around the room showed confusion and annoyance on the other faces of the senior and main bridge staff.
Kirk stood up suddenly, still looking at his PADD. All eyes in the room went to him as he lowered it slowly and took a deep breath.
“There’s one last thing I need to go over before we can conclude today’s meeting. It’s important that I have everyone’s full attention, especially yours Mr. Spock,” Jim said evenly. Spock sat up straighter in his seat next to Uhura, confusion and mild irritation on his face at Jim’s flippancy.
“Of course, Sir.” Spock said quietly, sounding almost offended at even a teasing notion that he might not being giving one-hundred percent of all his attention to the matter at hand. Kirk nodded easily, accepting.
“Yes, yes, of course Mr. Spock. But this directly involves you, so I need not only your attention, but your cooperation for the events about to take place.” The captain gazed at every single crewmember in the room, memorizing their features for what he figured may be one of the last times.
“As you all well know, the Enterprise will be returning to Earth in a few short months, at which point the crew will all be given eight months shore leave while the ship undergoes refitting and updates.” He nodded at Scotty. “I appreciate your diligence in maintaining contact with the engineering crews who will be doing the refit, Mr. Scott, and I’m impressed by your willingness to stay local when we land. No one knows the Enterprise’s workings quite like you do.” Scotty flushed a little at the praise, but accepted it nonetheless. Was it spiteful of Jim to laud the very man who’d played a key part in aiding the gossip wheel about his affair? Perhaps. If Scotty felt any shame in light of this praise, it wasn’t immediately evident on his face. Oh well.
“Jim,” McCoy groused, “Just get on with it. This is painful to watch.”
Kirk scowled at the doctor, but agreed internally that if he didn’t get around to saying what he needed to say, he probably never would. McCoy was getting curious glances from the gathered crew, so Jim brought the attention back to himself. It was now or never.
“I would ask you all to please consider the following respectfully. Mitigating circumstances within Starfleet have affected my ability to continue as captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise. As such, from this moment forward, I am hereby transferring all responsibilities as captain over to Commander Spock.” Jim met Spock’s clearly surprised eyes dead on, fighting against the immediate throbbing in the back of his head that the move granted. There were exclamations of shock throughout the room, along with half-hearted protests from crewmembers who were unsure if they truly wanted their promiscuous captain to remain or not, but Jim didn’t look at them. He only had eyes for his one-time lover, regardless of the pain vibrating along his skin Finally, however, he had to look away.
“I’ve scheduled a shuttle to take me to nearby Starbase 45 tomorrow morning, and have requested that Doctor McCoy accompany me. Doctor M’Benga is sufficiently capable of taking over his duties until the mission’s end, and furthermore, Doctor McCoy has requested all responsibilities as CMO to be transferred to him as well.”
Sulu’s mouth was open in shock, whereas beside him Chekov’s face was solemn and sad, but accepting. Uhura’s eyes were comically wide in disbelief, as if she honestly could not understand what was happening front of her. For all the loathing she sent towards him, there was an expression on her face that was almost. . . uncertain? What, did she think that he enjoyed her endless abuse? Or did she think that he was endlessly immune to the ship’s atmosphere that had been suffocating him? Jim didn’t bother trying to interpret further, sure that he would be in for nothing more than a world of hurt. And as for Spock. . .
Well.
11
Jim felt absolutely horrible about just how giddy he felt making his way down the corridor on his last night aboard the Enterprise. Word had slowly been leaked through the appropriate channels regarding Kirk’s departure, but thankfully his crew was being courteous for once and not making a spectacle out of him or themselves. It finally felt like the nightmare that had been the last several weeks was coming to an end. Tomorrow morning, he was going to wake up and become a brand new person!
But first, he had some rounds to make. And where better to go first than the domain of his most heated rival?
Communications.
Jim rarely ventured into this area of the ship, fully aware of how territorial Uhura was about her communications lackeys and the beautiful computer systems they coaxed foreign languages out of daily. It was simultaneously wondrous and terrifying. A perfect reason why he should go visit her in her safe zone, especially since she’d least expect it.
“Captain!” A young female ensign gasped when he waltzed right into the main communications bay, nearly running straight into her. He apologized quickly while she stared at him in amazement, obviously a little starstruck. He smiled at her charmingly before she remembered her place, shooting a quick, cautious glance behind her. He gazed over her shoulder, deeper into the heart of communications where Uhura undoubtedly was, and sighed.
“Can I help you, Sir?” The ensign asked breathily, and this time the whole starstruck act wasn’t as cute, especially on a girl at least a decade his junior. Besides, due to recent events, he couldn’t exactly see himself hopping into another relationship any time soon. He gave the girl a stern look.
“Yes Ensign, you can. Please take me to Lieutenant Uhura.” The girl was startled by his tone, but quickly snapped out a ‘yes Sir’ and turned to lead him where he wanted to go.
Uhura, of course, was much less pleased to see him than the lovely ensign, glaring at him with so much heat for entering her space that Kirk almost rethought his plans. He hadn’t gotten this far in life, however, by letting prissy Lieutenant’s push him around, so he stuck his ground and motioned to speak with her in a more private area of communications. Ironically, he lead them towards a small viewscreen on the outer edges of the room. He was surprised that it was there, not remembering it from the few other times he’d come this far into communications, but was glad for it nonetheless. He turned to the stiff, glaring woman standing behind him and grinned. She didn’t smile back.
“How are you, Lieutenant?” He asked instead. Uhura’s cheek twitched, and she folded her arms in front of her, but otherwise didn’t respond. Kirk sighed, wondering if this actually was a bad idea after all.
“What are you doing here, Kirk?” Uhura finally ground out, surprising him yet again. She was looking out the viewscreen into space. It was beautiful.
“I’m here to visit you, of course. I’m leaving tomorrow, you know.” He whispered softly, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against the glass. He felt strangely at peace. He didn’t see the strange look Uhura sent him.
“Any regrets sir?” Uhura asked tightly, sounding like she was daring him to deny the sins she held him eternally accountable for. Jim really had to hand it to her. His ex-communications officer could seriously make a normal question sound like ‘fuck off and die’ any day. He couldn’t help but smile sadly at her, which only caused her shoulders to rise higher and her body to noticeably tense further.
“Sure, I’ve got a ton of them.” He easily replied, reaching out to touch the cold glass window separating them from the darkness of space. “Who doesn’t? I wanted to keep exploring space and meet new people. I wanted to touch dirt on alien planets and find new cures to intergalactic diseases.” He drew his hand back. “I wanted to make this crew something great. Something I know you’ll still be able to become once I’m gone.” He turned back to see Uhura watching him warily, her eyes narrowed and hard, with only a sliver of confusion and puzzlement lurking in their inky depths. He took a step towards her, his little smile becoming more and more forced when he noticed her draw back.
“I regret very much that I never managed to call you by your first name. That’s definitely one for the books. No matter how difficult it is to negotiate peace treaties on foreign and hostile planets, nothing is more difficult than earning this honor.” Uhura opened her mouth to reply, but nothing came out. Jim huffed a little humorless chuckle.
“I’ll see you later then. I hope you drop by the transporter room when Bones and I take off.” Jim said kindly, “Take care, Lieutenant.”
12
If Jim had hoped to sneak away unnoticed the following morning, then he had really underestimated his crew. Come seven-hundred hours, bright and early, Kirk entered the shuttle bay with a small satchel over his shoulder and a bittersweet smile on his face. He’d expected to see the head of security, perhaps, and obviously Bones waiting for him with a familiar scowl on his face.
Clearly, he wasn’t prepared for Ensign Chekov to attack him with a full body hug as soon as he walked through the door.
Stumbling in surprise, but easily adjusting to the weight wrapped around his shoulders, Jim gave a fond laugh and wrapped a secure arm around his little brother’s waist. Pavel sniffled into his shoulder, shaking a little with emotion, but gave Kirk a controlled, albeit teary face when he pulled back. The ex-captain smiled and ruffled Chekov’s curls, much to the younger man’s dismay.
“I’m glad you’re here to see us off.” Jim told him honestly. Chekov beamed, and snuck a glance further into the shuttle bay. Jim looked that way too, and almost groaned aloud when he saw Lieutenant Sulu standing awkwardly next to the shuttle he was meant to take. Apparently, someone had offered Sulu to be Jim’s taxi service during his last moments on the Enterprise.
“Captain.” Sulu greeted neutrally, shooting a wary glance at Chekov, and obviously restraining himself from reacting to their close proximity. Kirk was surprised, as Sulu didn’t appear to be acting as hostile as he was now used to. Perhaps it was the mood of Kirk leaving that had set him off balance. Or perhaps. . .
Kirk felt his spine stiffen. He shot Chekov a look.
“You didn’t tell him, did you?” He asked lowly, almost glaring at the ensign. Chekov had the nerve to glare right back, standing tall.
“Of course not. I do not spread secrets.” He lifted his chin lightly, and Jim nodded, partly reassured and partly disappointed at the same time. Which was odd, because for as much as he really didn’t want to tell anyone else about his situation, it was liberating to not be the only one stuck with the knowledge of this conspiracy cycle.
Chekov nodded again and turned back to Sulu. They made their way over to the shuttle, which was when Kirk finally realized that Bones was already inside. He couldn’t stop the grin that broke out at the utterly constipated look on his best friend’s face, but figured that whatever Bones needed to do in order to get ready for the ride, he’d best be left to it in peace.
The entrance doors to the shuttle bay remained closed while Sulu finished prepping for the flight and Chekov chatted aimlessly with Kirk in the last few minutes that they would see each other for who knows how long. Once or twice, Kirk glanced in the direction of the doors, barely daring to hope in the very back of his mind that maybe, just maybe he would receive one more visitor before he left.
The doors opened suddenly, and Kirk’s breath caught, his whole body tightening.
And then felt his heart crash in his chest when Scotty ambled in, hurriedly making his way over to them. He had a very strange look on his face, one part contrite, one part forlorn, and one part determined.
“Captain.” He said quietly, uncharacteristically timid. But then again, the Scotsmen was heavily to blame for the mess Kirk was in. If only the engineer had kept his trap shut, then maybe the whole situation could have been contained between Spock and himself. But of course, you couldn’t go back in time and change things that one wished to be different.
Nero had tried that. It didn’t work, and it screwed with a hell of a lot of lives.
Jim was going to be different. He was only going to look forward. Which is why he gave his head engineer and half smile and extended his hand.
Scotty nearly fell over himself in his eagerness to shake it, his hand trembling a little in Kirk’s grasp. He didn’t say anything, though, and merely handed Kirk a PADD. He raised an eyebrow, but accepted the gift for what it was. A truce, maybe? He couldn’t be sure. Only time would tell.
“Alright gents, it’s been quite a ride, but it looks like my time has come.” Kirk said breezily, suddenly feeling that horrible lump in his throat return with a vengeance. Chekov nodded tearily, and Scotty stepped back, uncertainty written on ever line of his body.
With a sad grin, Kirk turned away from them and got on the shuttle. Sulu glanced at him momentarily, then lowered his eyes.
“Well Bones, are you ready for another adventure?” Kirk asked cheekily when he sat next to his highly perturbed friend. McCoy shot him the evilest look in his arsenal.
“Land first. Adventure later.” He ground out, paling when the ship rumbled underneath them and the starting sequence engaged. Kirk sighed, looking out the window at Chekov and Scotty still standing on the tarmac below. He felt the ship lift off and reached out to grasp Bones’ arm in case the other man needed a grounder.
Then, suddenly, he felt that uncomfortable aching in the back of his skull that had nothing to do with spaceships and everything to do with. . . he leaned forward abruptly and stared hard out the window, almost pressing his face to the glass. Standing below them, stiff and proud at the entranceway, was Spock.
“God.” Kirk whispered hoarsely, putting everything he had into memorizing that perfect face, those stern lips and dark eyes, the way he held himself so assuredly, so strong, and just so damn perfect. He felt rare elation spread through his limbs at being allowed to gaze at the man he’d loved more than anything else in life. He felt like this was a small, selfless gift that the universe was bestowing him with for all of the hardship he’d been made to face. A small, wobby grin broke out of his face.
Spock was staring straight at him, piercing him through the layers of glass and steel. Jim couldn’t look away, when suddenly, Spock abruptly turned on his heel and marched out of the shuttle bay.
For the second time that morning, and truly, for the first real time in too many weeks, Jim felt the world around him shatter.
Spock didn’t spare a glance back. Jim crumbled against the glass window.
The shuttle smoothly left the hanger and entered space.
- - - - - - -
If you've made it this far, I thank you and hope you liked it. As some of you may be wondering, yes there is a sequel planned, and it WILL be written, I just have many other projects to take care of before hand. Writing this prompt has been something I've wanted to do since I first discovered the kink meme last year, so I'm very happy to have accomplished this first part of my goal.
If anyone has comments on what they think should happen next in this story, please let me know! I'm always eager to hear suggestions. Also, please excuse the severe lack of Spock in this fic. It wasn't really intentional at first, namely because I'm not good at writing him, but at some point it became pivotal to the story to have as little of him as possible interacting with Kirk. The effect I hoped to gain by doing this was for Kirk to go a little psycho inside his own head, and for the reader to really have no idea what exactly Spock is thinking at any given time. Spock's POV will be included heavily (I hope) in the sequel.
And at that, I want to thank you all again for reading, and if you're interested, hope you check out my other stuff. I write a lot of genderbend, so if you're into that, feel free to look around.
Cheers~
spock_kirk
newtrekslash
Here's part 2. Thanks for reading.
7
It was an unusually quiet day on the bridge, compared to the normal controlled chaos that typically was par for the course on the Enterprise. Ever since ‘the incident’, however, tensions between his bridge staff had been high. And it wasn’t just tension between the crew and the captain. There was a noticeable tension between Chekov and Sulu too, most likely a result of Chekov’s failed attempt to reconcile with Kirk. He doubted that Sulu really even knew what exactly Chekov had been doing. All he probably needed to know was that anything that had to do with Kirk these days was bad news. And hell, apparently Chekov was giving his friend the silent treatment.
Jim had to resist a small smile. Sometimes, the most juvenile tricks still worked like magic. Sulu was quite obviously bristling under the effects.
And to the side, Uhura was primly standing next to Spock, speaking to him in low, dulcet tones for their ears only. He didn’t even bother trying to listen in on what was probably an intimate conversation. He didn’t believe for a second, however, that his first officer and communications officer were planning on resuming their old relationship. That ship had sailed long ago. Nevertheless, there was nothing stopping them now from being all buddy-buddy against Kirk. It was obviously one of Uhura’s favorite pastimes. And if seeing was believing, newly one of Spock’s as well.
Kirk stood up from the captain’s chair, causing many eyes to unconsciously lift and follow his movements towards the bridge’s main viewscreen. He stared out into space for a few seconds, shifting his weight from one leg to the other, and reached out to touch the glass. There was something he had been thinking about that he couldn’t get out of his mind.
“Ensign Chekov.” He called, causing the mentioned young man to sit at attention. He was aware that most of the bridge was watching them.
“I have something of a philosophical question for you, Ensign. Would you like to hear it?” Kirk turned around and loosely draped his arms across his torso, putting the entire bridge within his sight. By this point, however, he had become frighteningly good at ignoring all of the stares. Chekov must have gained some of this ability too, for he didn’t even hesitate before nodding yes.
Jim tilted his head to the side, contemplating. This was going to be a tricky conversation, but it was one he felt needed to be had. At the very least, he had enough confidence in Chekov to be able to follow this through to the end. He gave the twittering ensign a contemplative look.
“Have you ever felt before like you truly knew someone, only to learn that everything you thought you knew was a lie?”
Chekov blinked in surprise, while several other crewmembers whispered under their breaths. It wasn’t like Kirk had demanded or dissuaded their attention. If they chose to ignore this little spectacle, then power to them. This wasn’t necessarily a private conversation by any means, just an honest to God philosophical inquiry. Sort of.
And if Uhura happened to turn his way and stare in annoyed confusion, well then that was just a bonus. . .
. . . he noticed Spock shift in his seat out of the corner of his eye. The Vulcan wasn’t turned towards them, but there was a noticeable tilt to his head. Inside of his own head, Kirk’s mind was screaming without his consent. Understand! Understand what I’m saying!
“I do not think I understand, Keptain.” Chekov replied, biting his lip in thought.
Kirk nodded. “Yes, I suppose it’s a strange question. It varies from person to person.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, it just so happens that I’ve found myself caught in such a situation.” He turned and gazed back out into space, watching his reflection in the glass. “How does one deal with such a thing? You think you know someone, and then everything is pulled out from under your feet.”
“What in the world are you talking about?” Uhura finally interjected, butting into the conversation with little grace. Jim was surprised. He hadn’t expected for her to get involved so soon.
“It’s exactly how I make it sound, Lieutenant. Someone who I once held in great esteem has done something to make me change my mind about them. It’s terribly confusing and more than a little disorienting.” He shot her an empty smile, enjoying the way she got tenser and tenser the more he spoke. He would bet his captaincy that she thought she knew what he was talking about.
“I beg your pardon, Sir, but I’m sure that regardless of whatever this person has done, it’s not like it’s a rare occurrence in the universe. As such, it’s not a difficult problem to come to a suitable solution to.” She coldly informed him, the word ‘hypocrite’ reflecting in her eyes. She was barely keeping what must have been an impressive sneer off of her face. Kirk felt the smile on his face getting stiff. Chekov was looking back and forth between the two of them, his worry growing by the second.
“Ah, Keptain-” He started.
“And what do you suggest I do about it, Uhura?” Jim inquired tightly. The tall woman huffed and tossed her hair over one shoulder.
“The answer is quite simple.” She spoke slowly, as if to a small child.
“If someone or something is causing you harm, then their continued presence would be detrimental and illogical.” She paused a shot him a dark smirk. “The solution is to eradicate all ties.”
“Lieutenant, that is enough-” Spock started to rise from his seat.
“Keptain no!” Chekov cried, jumping to his feet. Sulu jerked violently beside him, along with several other bridge members who were watching the spectacle with growing confusion and concern.
Kirk’s smile bloomed into something a little crazed, showing too much teeth as he gripped his elbows.
“Pavel, what are you doing?” Sulu whispered loudly, trying to pull his friend back into his seat. Chekov swatted away his hands and glared.
“Do not touch me, Hikaru.” He ordered. Sulu visibly wilted at the helm. Kirk’s smile dimmed at that.
“Well, this has certainly been an enlightening conversation. I don’t know why we don’t do this more often.” Of course, if they did, there was a greater possibility that his crew would start coming to physical blows, which would in turn make Bones crazy pissed. “Thank you for your valuable input Lieutenant. It has me helped reach a conclusion regarding some things I need to take care of.” He nodded towards Uhura, who finally let a little bit of her sneer free. “Next shift starts in a few minutes. Mister Spock, please take the con until then.” Spock nodded slightly off to the side, actually looking at Jim for what felt like the first time in weeks. He died a little bit inside.
“Mr. Chekov.” The navigator nearly jumped at the call. “Please join me in the mess hall when your shift is over. I’d love to finish this conversation.”
“Of-of course, Sir.” Chekov said softly, slowly sitting back down at watching Kirk with frightened eyes as the youngest captain in Starfleet sauntered his way off of the bridge.
8
Pavel caught up with him just as he was stepping into the near-empty mess hall, proving that all of those medals for running track weren’t just for show. Jim smiled and put a fond arm around the younger man’s shoulders, leading them merrily toward the replicators.
“What’ll it be, Checkers? You know, you and I don’t hang out as much as we should. Hell, I can’t remember a time when we ever ate dinner just the two of us. Can you?” Sky blue eyes met blue-gray, almost begging him to go with the flow and not immediately bring the scene from the bridge into this conversation. Chekov shrugged uncertainly and allowed Kirk to remove his arm when they made their selections. They made it to a table and had barely sat down before everything that had been contained in Pavel on the bridge finally spilled over. He braced both hands on the table surface and stuttered.
“I-I want to go with-”
“No.” Kirk ordered abruptly, his sudden harshness causing the younger man to flinch. Chekov wrung his fingers and opened his mouth uselessly.
“I. . .” His voice sounded a little teary, causing Kirk to shift forward.
“You need to stay.” He softened his tone and placed a hand on the navigator’s shoulder. It didn’t surprise him that the smartest man on the ship was this close to figuring out all of the pieces to the puzzle that he didn’t even have any clues for. It made a part of Kirk feel warm inside, happy to know that despite all of the cruelty he had endured of late, some people weren’t willing to simply let what they were told to be the truth.
“Without you, this ship would probably run into the broad side of the next planet it flies past. Seriously, I have never met a more talented young man, and I have full confidence that you’re gonna leave your mark in the world of physics.” He tried to lighten the mood, happy when Chekov let a few weak chuckles escape him.
The navigator sniffed weakly, but smiled. “This is true.”
“Besides, I need someone on the inside.”
“You are making us sound like characters from one of Hikaru’s silly spy novels.”
“He’s such a geek.” Kirk rolled his eyes, fondness for his pilot leaking through despite himself.
“I am liking geeks very much.” Chekov revealed. Kirk’s brows furrowed.
“You. . . ” His eyes widened and he slapped a hand on the table, voice suddenly dropping to a harsh whisper as something that should have incredibly obvious proceeded to smack him in the face. “You and Sulu? Oh my god! How did I not know this?” He gasped.
Chekov stared at him with wide, delighted eyes, hands covering his mouth to contain his smile. “We have been together for half a year. I too am surprised that you did not know this. It is not like Hikaru is, ah, what is the word,” He waved his hand around airily, “subtle.”
Kirk laughed, feeling a weight lift off of his shoulders. “No, I’ll give you that. Sulu wouldn’t know subtle if you clocked him in the head with it.”
Chekov frowned, pursing his lips. “I am not liking this image you are making up. I know Hikaru has been an idiot lately, but I think he has done well not to punch you in the face when you talk to me. Which is admittedly more than usual since, ah. . .” He paused there, not sure how to voice ‘the incident’ in so many words.
Jim smiled sadly across the table and looked down at his turkey sandwich.
“I appreciate everything you’ve done, Ensign Chekov.”
Pavel leaned back a little, wilting inside when he realized where this conversation was heading. “Thank you, Keptain Kirk.” He whispered. He played thoughtlessly with his meal, his appetite gone, and snuck glances at the heroic man he’d always aspired to be like. Finally, he asked, “How much longer?”
Jim looked to the side, taking in the magnificent, mundane lives of his crew at rest. He was really going to miss it.
9
Leave it to Bones to ask the hard questions when all Jim really wanted to do was curl up on the CMO’s office couch and drown in a good bottle of Tennessee whiskey.
“You what?!” Bone exploded, incredulity written on every line of his body. “What do you mean you’ve never actually tried to explain things to Spock? Why the hell haven’t you talked to him yet?” Bones yelled, his face turning red in anger. “I can’t believe you Jim! Since when are you the type of guy to just let things like this go on. Talk to him! Beg on your knees if you have to!”
“I, well, it’s kinda hard to explain, Bones.”
“Jesus.” McCoy dragged a tired hand down his face. “And all this time, I thought that idiot was ignoring you despite any attempts you’d made to reconcile. And now I find out that you’ve barely spoken two words to him since Sirius VII.”
Jim tensed up at the mention of the planet, causing McCoy to shoot him a small, apologetic look, before relaxing back into the cushions, playing with the fraying edge of a throw pillow Bones was too proud to admit he’d bought himself on their last shore leave.
“Like I said, it’s complicated.”
“Try me.”
“Alright Doctor McCoy, see if you wanna try this one on for size.” Jim gave him an annoyed glare. “I’ve tried, but like, Spock’s projecting.” He ran a hand through his hair in irritation, trying to figure out how to explain this to his friend when it confused him just as much. Plus, it kinda really hurt to think about.
“Jim.” McCoy started, but Kirk cut him off.
“You see, when we were together,” He swallowed heavily at the ache past tense brought him, “we hadn’t really formed a strong mental bond yet. I mean, there was a bond, but like, only just powerful enough to react during physical contact. Sometimes, we could tell what the other was feeling, the general mood, but not strong enough for much else.” He paused, eyes distant. “We were planning on having out bond recognized and strengthened by the Vulcan elders at the end of the mission. And well, that’s not really in the cards anymore.”
“What do you mean by projecting?” McCoy asked seriously, thankfully shelving all of the emotional baggage Jim had just uploaded on him and looking only at the medical side of the ordeal, the side he could hopefully do something about.
Jim shrugged, unsure how to explain. “Well, it’s like. . .like I can’t get too close to him, or stare at him too long without my head starting to hurt a little. I think it’s because his emotions are leaking through what little bond we have,” McCoy scoffed at that, and Jim glared. “but since I’m not the one with the telepathic shields, and because Spock usually has a bit more control over his emotions, I’m the only one who’s really feeling it.”
“Jesus.” McCoy muttered again, aghast. “So you’re saying that you’ve tried to talk with him, but whenever you get close to him your head starts to hurt? What the hell Jim? Why hasn’t this become a problem on the bridge?” Jim shook his head, negative.
“I never said it wasn’t. It’s just, on the bridge Spock’s mind is a little bit more controlled. He’s preoccupied with his duties, prioritizing his job over the fallout of our relationship, and. . . well, he’s got Uhura to keep him company now.” Jim shook his head. “He’s more concerned with keeping himself in check on the bridge than say, in the mess, or in the halls.”
“Sounds like you’ve had first-hand experience with this.”
“Ha! I tried to talk to him over a month ago. I literally got three sentences out of him before I damn near staggered into a wall. He offered to call sickbay for me. I think he thought I was drunk.” Jim huffed.
“Goddamn, who’d have thought that even if you wanted to apologize, which you do, Spock’s freaky telepathic voodoo won’t let you. What the hell are you supposed to do in a situation like this?”
“I dunno Bones. I dunno.”
McCoy sighed and pulled the bottle of whiskey out of Jim’s hands. “Well, that’s enough of this anyway. Back to your quarters. You’ve had more than enough to be a hazard if you went back up to the bridge.”
Jim rolled his eyes, but agreed, dragging his sorry hide out of McCoy’s office and out of sickbay. He had things to do, anyway.
He had preparations to make.
10
It happened at the senior staff meeting a day later.
Jim truly did wish he could say that he felt nervous or embarrassed by what he was about to do, but if he were to be completely honest with himself, there was only one thing he could say he felt.
He was tired.
“Alright, that concludes the reports from engineering, thank you Mr. Scott.” Jim said distractedly, glancing over the notes he’d made on his PADD. Scotty pursed his lips, but nodded and leaned back in his seat. Engineering had been the last department to report, and yet they were all still sitting there, waiting to be released by the captain who had yet to end the meeting. A quick glance around the room showed confusion and annoyance on the other faces of the senior and main bridge staff.
Kirk stood up suddenly, still looking at his PADD. All eyes in the room went to him as he lowered it slowly and took a deep breath.
“There’s one last thing I need to go over before we can conclude today’s meeting. It’s important that I have everyone’s full attention, especially yours Mr. Spock,” Jim said evenly. Spock sat up straighter in his seat next to Uhura, confusion and mild irritation on his face at Jim’s flippancy.
“Of course, Sir.” Spock said quietly, sounding almost offended at even a teasing notion that he might not being giving one-hundred percent of all his attention to the matter at hand. Kirk nodded easily, accepting.
“Yes, yes, of course Mr. Spock. But this directly involves you, so I need not only your attention, but your cooperation for the events about to take place.” The captain gazed at every single crewmember in the room, memorizing their features for what he figured may be one of the last times.
“As you all well know, the Enterprise will be returning to Earth in a few short months, at which point the crew will all be given eight months shore leave while the ship undergoes refitting and updates.” He nodded at Scotty. “I appreciate your diligence in maintaining contact with the engineering crews who will be doing the refit, Mr. Scott, and I’m impressed by your willingness to stay local when we land. No one knows the Enterprise’s workings quite like you do.” Scotty flushed a little at the praise, but accepted it nonetheless. Was it spiteful of Jim to laud the very man who’d played a key part in aiding the gossip wheel about his affair? Perhaps. If Scotty felt any shame in light of this praise, it wasn’t immediately evident on his face. Oh well.
“Jim,” McCoy groused, “Just get on with it. This is painful to watch.”
Kirk scowled at the doctor, but agreed internally that if he didn’t get around to saying what he needed to say, he probably never would. McCoy was getting curious glances from the gathered crew, so Jim brought the attention back to himself. It was now or never.
“I would ask you all to please consider the following respectfully. Mitigating circumstances within Starfleet have affected my ability to continue as captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise. As such, from this moment forward, I am hereby transferring all responsibilities as captain over to Commander Spock.” Jim met Spock’s clearly surprised eyes dead on, fighting against the immediate throbbing in the back of his head that the move granted. There were exclamations of shock throughout the room, along with half-hearted protests from crewmembers who were unsure if they truly wanted their promiscuous captain to remain or not, but Jim didn’t look at them. He only had eyes for his one-time lover, regardless of the pain vibrating along his skin Finally, however, he had to look away.
“I’ve scheduled a shuttle to take me to nearby Starbase 45 tomorrow morning, and have requested that Doctor McCoy accompany me. Doctor M’Benga is sufficiently capable of taking over his duties until the mission’s end, and furthermore, Doctor McCoy has requested all responsibilities as CMO to be transferred to him as well.”
Sulu’s mouth was open in shock, whereas beside him Chekov’s face was solemn and sad, but accepting. Uhura’s eyes were comically wide in disbelief, as if she honestly could not understand what was happening front of her. For all the loathing she sent towards him, there was an expression on her face that was almost. . . uncertain? What, did she think that he enjoyed her endless abuse? Or did she think that he was endlessly immune to the ship’s atmosphere that had been suffocating him? Jim didn’t bother trying to interpret further, sure that he would be in for nothing more than a world of hurt. And as for Spock. . .
Well.
11
Jim felt absolutely horrible about just how giddy he felt making his way down the corridor on his last night aboard the Enterprise. Word had slowly been leaked through the appropriate channels regarding Kirk’s departure, but thankfully his crew was being courteous for once and not making a spectacle out of him or themselves. It finally felt like the nightmare that had been the last several weeks was coming to an end. Tomorrow morning, he was going to wake up and become a brand new person!
But first, he had some rounds to make. And where better to go first than the domain of his most heated rival?
Communications.
Jim rarely ventured into this area of the ship, fully aware of how territorial Uhura was about her communications lackeys and the beautiful computer systems they coaxed foreign languages out of daily. It was simultaneously wondrous and terrifying. A perfect reason why he should go visit her in her safe zone, especially since she’d least expect it.
“Captain!” A young female ensign gasped when he waltzed right into the main communications bay, nearly running straight into her. He apologized quickly while she stared at him in amazement, obviously a little starstruck. He smiled at her charmingly before she remembered her place, shooting a quick, cautious glance behind her. He gazed over her shoulder, deeper into the heart of communications where Uhura undoubtedly was, and sighed.
“Can I help you, Sir?” The ensign asked breathily, and this time the whole starstruck act wasn’t as cute, especially on a girl at least a decade his junior. Besides, due to recent events, he couldn’t exactly see himself hopping into another relationship any time soon. He gave the girl a stern look.
“Yes Ensign, you can. Please take me to Lieutenant Uhura.” The girl was startled by his tone, but quickly snapped out a ‘yes Sir’ and turned to lead him where he wanted to go.
Uhura, of course, was much less pleased to see him than the lovely ensign, glaring at him with so much heat for entering her space that Kirk almost rethought his plans. He hadn’t gotten this far in life, however, by letting prissy Lieutenant’s push him around, so he stuck his ground and motioned to speak with her in a more private area of communications. Ironically, he lead them towards a small viewscreen on the outer edges of the room. He was surprised that it was there, not remembering it from the few other times he’d come this far into communications, but was glad for it nonetheless. He turned to the stiff, glaring woman standing behind him and grinned. She didn’t smile back.
“How are you, Lieutenant?” He asked instead. Uhura’s cheek twitched, and she folded her arms in front of her, but otherwise didn’t respond. Kirk sighed, wondering if this actually was a bad idea after all.
“What are you doing here, Kirk?” Uhura finally ground out, surprising him yet again. She was looking out the viewscreen into space. It was beautiful.
“I’m here to visit you, of course. I’m leaving tomorrow, you know.” He whispered softly, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against the glass. He felt strangely at peace. He didn’t see the strange look Uhura sent him.
“Any regrets sir?” Uhura asked tightly, sounding like she was daring him to deny the sins she held him eternally accountable for. Jim really had to hand it to her. His ex-communications officer could seriously make a normal question sound like ‘fuck off and die’ any day. He couldn’t help but smile sadly at her, which only caused her shoulders to rise higher and her body to noticeably tense further.
“Sure, I’ve got a ton of them.” He easily replied, reaching out to touch the cold glass window separating them from the darkness of space. “Who doesn’t? I wanted to keep exploring space and meet new people. I wanted to touch dirt on alien planets and find new cures to intergalactic diseases.” He drew his hand back. “I wanted to make this crew something great. Something I know you’ll still be able to become once I’m gone.” He turned back to see Uhura watching him warily, her eyes narrowed and hard, with only a sliver of confusion and puzzlement lurking in their inky depths. He took a step towards her, his little smile becoming more and more forced when he noticed her draw back.
“I regret very much that I never managed to call you by your first name. That’s definitely one for the books. No matter how difficult it is to negotiate peace treaties on foreign and hostile planets, nothing is more difficult than earning this honor.” Uhura opened her mouth to reply, but nothing came out. Jim huffed a little humorless chuckle.
“I’ll see you later then. I hope you drop by the transporter room when Bones and I take off.” Jim said kindly, “Take care, Lieutenant.”
12
If Jim had hoped to sneak away unnoticed the following morning, then he had really underestimated his crew. Come seven-hundred hours, bright and early, Kirk entered the shuttle bay with a small satchel over his shoulder and a bittersweet smile on his face. He’d expected to see the head of security, perhaps, and obviously Bones waiting for him with a familiar scowl on his face.
Clearly, he wasn’t prepared for Ensign Chekov to attack him with a full body hug as soon as he walked through the door.
Stumbling in surprise, but easily adjusting to the weight wrapped around his shoulders, Jim gave a fond laugh and wrapped a secure arm around his little brother’s waist. Pavel sniffled into his shoulder, shaking a little with emotion, but gave Kirk a controlled, albeit teary face when he pulled back. The ex-captain smiled and ruffled Chekov’s curls, much to the younger man’s dismay.
“I’m glad you’re here to see us off.” Jim told him honestly. Chekov beamed, and snuck a glance further into the shuttle bay. Jim looked that way too, and almost groaned aloud when he saw Lieutenant Sulu standing awkwardly next to the shuttle he was meant to take. Apparently, someone had offered Sulu to be Jim’s taxi service during his last moments on the Enterprise.
“Captain.” Sulu greeted neutrally, shooting a wary glance at Chekov, and obviously restraining himself from reacting to their close proximity. Kirk was surprised, as Sulu didn’t appear to be acting as hostile as he was now used to. Perhaps it was the mood of Kirk leaving that had set him off balance. Or perhaps. . .
Kirk felt his spine stiffen. He shot Chekov a look.
“You didn’t tell him, did you?” He asked lowly, almost glaring at the ensign. Chekov had the nerve to glare right back, standing tall.
“Of course not. I do not spread secrets.” He lifted his chin lightly, and Jim nodded, partly reassured and partly disappointed at the same time. Which was odd, because for as much as he really didn’t want to tell anyone else about his situation, it was liberating to not be the only one stuck with the knowledge of this conspiracy cycle.
Chekov nodded again and turned back to Sulu. They made their way over to the shuttle, which was when Kirk finally realized that Bones was already inside. He couldn’t stop the grin that broke out at the utterly constipated look on his best friend’s face, but figured that whatever Bones needed to do in order to get ready for the ride, he’d best be left to it in peace.
The entrance doors to the shuttle bay remained closed while Sulu finished prepping for the flight and Chekov chatted aimlessly with Kirk in the last few minutes that they would see each other for who knows how long. Once or twice, Kirk glanced in the direction of the doors, barely daring to hope in the very back of his mind that maybe, just maybe he would receive one more visitor before he left.
The doors opened suddenly, and Kirk’s breath caught, his whole body tightening.
And then felt his heart crash in his chest when Scotty ambled in, hurriedly making his way over to them. He had a very strange look on his face, one part contrite, one part forlorn, and one part determined.
“Captain.” He said quietly, uncharacteristically timid. But then again, the Scotsmen was heavily to blame for the mess Kirk was in. If only the engineer had kept his trap shut, then maybe the whole situation could have been contained between Spock and himself. But of course, you couldn’t go back in time and change things that one wished to be different.
Nero had tried that. It didn’t work, and it screwed with a hell of a lot of lives.
Jim was going to be different. He was only going to look forward. Which is why he gave his head engineer and half smile and extended his hand.
Scotty nearly fell over himself in his eagerness to shake it, his hand trembling a little in Kirk’s grasp. He didn’t say anything, though, and merely handed Kirk a PADD. He raised an eyebrow, but accepted the gift for what it was. A truce, maybe? He couldn’t be sure. Only time would tell.
“Alright gents, it’s been quite a ride, but it looks like my time has come.” Kirk said breezily, suddenly feeling that horrible lump in his throat return with a vengeance. Chekov nodded tearily, and Scotty stepped back, uncertainty written on ever line of his body.
With a sad grin, Kirk turned away from them and got on the shuttle. Sulu glanced at him momentarily, then lowered his eyes.
“Well Bones, are you ready for another adventure?” Kirk asked cheekily when he sat next to his highly perturbed friend. McCoy shot him the evilest look in his arsenal.
“Land first. Adventure later.” He ground out, paling when the ship rumbled underneath them and the starting sequence engaged. Kirk sighed, looking out the window at Chekov and Scotty still standing on the tarmac below. He felt the ship lift off and reached out to grasp Bones’ arm in case the other man needed a grounder.
Then, suddenly, he felt that uncomfortable aching in the back of his skull that had nothing to do with spaceships and everything to do with. . . he leaned forward abruptly and stared hard out the window, almost pressing his face to the glass. Standing below them, stiff and proud at the entranceway, was Spock.
“God.” Kirk whispered hoarsely, putting everything he had into memorizing that perfect face, those stern lips and dark eyes, the way he held himself so assuredly, so strong, and just so damn perfect. He felt rare elation spread through his limbs at being allowed to gaze at the man he’d loved more than anything else in life. He felt like this was a small, selfless gift that the universe was bestowing him with for all of the hardship he’d been made to face. A small, wobby grin broke out of his face.
Spock was staring straight at him, piercing him through the layers of glass and steel. Jim couldn’t look away, when suddenly, Spock abruptly turned on his heel and marched out of the shuttle bay.
For the second time that morning, and truly, for the first real time in too many weeks, Jim felt the world around him shatter.
Spock didn’t spare a glance back. Jim crumbled against the glass window.
The shuttle smoothly left the hanger and entered space.
- - - - - - -
If you've made it this far, I thank you and hope you liked it. As some of you may be wondering, yes there is a sequel planned, and it WILL be written, I just have many other projects to take care of before hand. Writing this prompt has been something I've wanted to do since I first discovered the kink meme last year, so I'm very happy to have accomplished this first part of my goal.
If anyone has comments on what they think should happen next in this story, please let me know! I'm always eager to hear suggestions. Also, please excuse the severe lack of Spock in this fic. It wasn't really intentional at first, namely because I'm not good at writing him, but at some point it became pivotal to the story to have as little of him as possible interacting with Kirk. The effect I hoped to gain by doing this was for Kirk to go a little psycho inside his own head, and for the reader to really have no idea what exactly Spock is thinking at any given time. Spock's POV will be included heavily (I hope) in the sequel.
And at that, I want to thank you all again for reading, and if you're interested, hope you check out my other stuff. I write a lot of genderbend, so if you're into that, feel free to look around.
Cheers~
spock_kirk
newtrekslash