(no subject)
I saw the third Star Wars last night, and it's actually quite good, really. I was annoyed with the first one, and bored by the second one, but the third really displayed a more emotional story. Yes it was science fiction- but it was science fiction with heart.
Going to the boyfriend's graduation tonight.
Oh...man...things are so screwed up with that. I loved him more than life itself when he wanted nothing to do with me. I guess because then I could pine artistically or some such bullshittery. But the thought of a real relationship does nothing for me. I need to have absolute freedom- so I know I could at any point decide to leave, or put on my headphones, or go meditate or be gone for days at a time. I want to own my life. I want to own my thoughts and not be a slave to anyone else's expectations.
It seems I've spent this entire relationship trying to not be in a relationship. I've been ignoring him and avoiding him and I know it's awful and horrible and mean and cruel and nine thousand other things...but I am a messed up individual.
He doesn't want me going to India next summer. He wants to keep me here. He wants me waiting for him, at his beck and call and I'm not like that. I'm free.
I Am Free.
It's all so much. Sometimes I want to simply disapear from my world. That's partially why I want to go to Inda. So I can have time to simply not be expected anywhere, to not have to give up my time for thinking and feeling and creating so i have to entertain an endless array of closed-minded middle americans too immersed in Now Culture to respect anything beyond it.
GAH.
I am such an idiot. I just accidentally posted this on my Beatles community instead of my actual journal...let's try this again...lol
Going to the boyfriend's graduation tonight.
Oh...man...things are so screwed up with that. I loved him more than life itself when he wanted nothing to do with me. I guess because then I could pine artistically or some such bullshittery. But the thought of a real relationship does nothing for me. I need to have absolute freedom- so I know I could at any point decide to leave, or put on my headphones, or go meditate or be gone for days at a time. I want to own my life. I want to own my thoughts and not be a slave to anyone else's expectations.
It seems I've spent this entire relationship trying to not be in a relationship. I've been ignoring him and avoiding him and I know it's awful and horrible and mean and cruel and nine thousand other things...but I am a messed up individual.
He doesn't want me going to India next summer. He wants to keep me here. He wants me waiting for him, at his beck and call and I'm not like that. I'm free.
I Am Free.
It's all so much. Sometimes I want to simply disapear from my world. That's partially why I want to go to Inda. So I can have time to simply not be expected anywhere, to not have to give up my time for thinking and feeling and creating so i have to entertain an endless array of closed-minded middle americans too immersed in Now Culture to respect anything beyond it.
GAH.
I am such an idiot. I just accidentally posted this on my Beatles community instead of my actual journal...let's try this again...lol