The Visitor's Guide To Smallville - Part Two (Chlark/Humor Fic)
Points of Interest in Smallville
Smallville Triangle Town Park
Downtown Smallville: Unique. Interesting. Weird Civic Planning. All those words describe Smallville Triangle Town Park: the usual square blocks of the town are altered by downtown's triangular park. Plus, no stop signs make traveling through the heart of downtown fun and dangerous for motorists and pedestrians alike. But many brave the two lanes to picnic on the lush grass. Smallville Triangle Town Park is where The Oak Tree, the oldest tree in Smallville, resides. Sadly, someone carved into the bark "CS+CK 4EVER".
Keen Observations-
Chloe: I am investigating who dared to do that...
Clark: I heard Sheriff Ethan found a penknife like the one I gave you for Christmas, Chloe. Hey...where is that penknife? I haven't seen it in a while.
Chloe: What? I lost somewhere else...nowhere near that tree. I swear.
Ezra Jebadiah Obadiah Small Memorial Statue
Many have wondered why there is a podium with a 3-foot tall bronze of a trapper holding a beaver and a raccoon above his head triumphantly in the middle of Smallville Triangle Town Park. Why, that’s Ezra Jebadiah Obadiah Small, Smallville's founder! Why is the statue only 3 feet tall? As the inscription says, it's "Even The Small Can Create The Big".
Keen Observations-
Pete: Why do I have to write this? I get it. The statue isn't tall. Thanks fellas. Shame on you all. Anyway, the statue is really detailed: you can see the crazed look on Ezra’s face. It's on one of the 50 commemorative "History of Smallville" postcards sold at Fordman's.
Smallville Meteor Strike Memorial Stadium
While the Smallville High School football team plays at the Walt Arnold Stadium, the Smallville Meteor Strike Memorial Stadium is home to the minor league baseball team, the Smallville Meteors. Some might think the name of the team is a bit offensive in light of the catastrophe that befell the town. But the Meteors are a very good team, so the local populace doesn't mind. Ironically, the team became better after the tragedy and after changing the team nickname from "Farmers" to "Meteors". The stadium sits 15,000 screaming fans, many coming from Grandville, Tabbiton, and Kaitisnertown. Enjoy a "Meteor Dog", the best hot dog this side of Metropolis!
+ "Come out on one of our themed Giveaway days!"
+ LuthorCorp Fertilizer Plant #3 Employee, Spouses and No More Than Two Children Night
+ Corncob Day
+ Meteor Rock Day
+ Free Piglet Day
+ Monsters of Haiku
Keen Observations-
Clark: I like spending a lazy summer day with my friends watching a good game in the bleachers!
Pete: I like seeing future stars and former greats playing!
Chloe: I'm just here cuz Clark bought Me a ticket.
Smallville Non-Historical Bridge
There are several bridges in Smallville, including an old wooden bridge that was used by Lewis and Clark on their trek west, and one that Wilt Chamberlain drove upon his way to the University of Kansas. But no bridge more famous than the Smallville Non-Historical Bridge on Route 31.
Why?
Local hero Clark Kent saved local millionaire Lex Luthor from drowning after Luthor's Porsche somehow went over the side. Lex's father, Lionel, had the bridge rebuilt using state of the art construction materials. Our advice? Fish off the banks of the river below, not off the side of the bridge.
Keen Observations-
Clark: I was lucky to have been just standing and looking to the future when Lex's car hit ... the wall and jumped the rail.
Lex Luthor: I could have sworn I hit Clark.
Clark: But I'd be dead.
Lex: Touché.
Nicodemus Gardens Golf Course (closed for replanting)
Smallville was riddled with holes from meteor impacts. But the most fun can be had with these 18 holes at the Nicodemus Gardens Golf Course. Golf legends Tiger Woods AND Jack Nicklaus both have considered playing here! Unfortunately, Nicodemus Gardens Golf Course is currently closed for replanting; too many odd occurrences have been reported around holes 12-18.
o Smallville Glen Country Club (located at the Nicodemus Golf Course)
+ Golf, Horseback riding, fine dining, and socializing
+ Proud Home of the Swinging Gadabout
+ Jonathan Kent spent one summer there serving as maitre'd
Keen Observations-
Lana Lang: The country club is really nice, but after I play, I do really weird stuff.
Chloe: You act like a hussy.
Lana: No. I act weird.
Chloe: So you acting like a hussy is normal?
Lana: Umm. No comment.
Lois Lanes
Since the meteors that destroyed "Ye Olde Laser Tag and Arcade", the new hangout for teens is Lois Lanes, the local bowling alley. The adults don't mind the influx of youth since every night is now league night. The owners have new pine scented shoe spray, so set up the pins and knock them down all week long!
Keen Observations-
Chloe: I have a cousin named Lois Lane!
Clark: The Justice League bowls every Thursday night.
Pete: I like our team name: Legion of Doom. We are undefeated!
Clark: Too gloomy.
Chloe: Look, we voted. Your idea of "Superfriends" was too cheesy.
Clark: Aww.
Chloe: I will soothe your pain later.
Pete: Ok...too much info!
Lois: Hey Chlo..Let's bowl... There's nothing else to do...
Smallville Ballet, Playhouse, Opera, Symphony, and Open Air Livestock Auction House
So much cultural goodness under one roof! Noted ballet, orchestras, and musicals make Smallville a destination to play for standing room only audiences. Plus, every Satyrday morning, livestock auctions! Come and bid on some bulls and cows!
+ Here's a sample of what the residents are in store for:
8:00am to 4:00pm: livestock auction
5:00pm to 6:55pm: anthrax killing spraying
7:00 to Final Curtain: Les Miserables
10 minutes after Final Curtain to Completion: anthrax killing spraying continued
Luthorlu Studios
Metropolis Business Magnate Lionel Luthor loves watching the classic television comedy, "I love Lucy", in his free time, so he created a Luthor-owned film and TV studio and based it in Smallville! Since the classic show was filmed at Desilu Studios, a play on that name graces the studio. Also part of Lionel's Smallville Media Empire:
+WKAL, the local TV station
+KROK, the local radio station
WKAL offers Smallville several 30-minute programs, with content created by local residents:
+ Freakin' Weird with Chloe Sullivan and Clark Kent
Chloe and Clark host a panel discussion/investigative show about local freakish events
+ Martha Kent's Living
Martha Kent hosts; simple living, handcrafting and cooking ideas
+ This Olde Farm...with Jon Kent
Jon Kent repairs or builds items on his farm based on viewer's requests and questions.
+ Pimpin' Rides Wit Pete Ross
Custom auto/truck/motorcycle/tractor creations by Pete Ross
+ Lex Luthor's Dance Party
Teens and Adults dance to top hits and past faves with local millionaire.
Smallville Museum of Modern Art
Formerly The Smallville Corn Museum, the new Smallville Modern Art Museum is under the exclusive patronage of Lex Luthor, as guided by Lana Lang.
Keen Observations-
Lana: I like Cubism.
Lex: Like Picasso?
Lana: No. Someone else.
Lex: Who?
Lana: Rubik. *giggles*
Lex: Umm...let's just say she points at the paintings and I buy...
Smallville Regional Airport
Proudly claiming 'Our planes don't fall out of the sky like stones', The Smallville Regional Airport is home to crop dusting planes and Lear jets alike.
Smallville Speedway and Equestrian Center
o Horseless carriages and carriage-less horses unite! Put the pedal to the metal or smack that horse's rump with a crop and get to the nation's only horse and car racetrack.
+ Home of the world famous horses, Meteor and Stompy!
* Where to Eat in Smallville:
Einstein's Deli
E=mc2 is one thing, but fantastic food is another! Einstein's Deli is possibly America's best deli and its home is right here in Smallville!
Keen Observations-
Chloe: Talk about eating smart! I love the pastrami sammaches! MMM!
Clark: I can eat a whole 4 foot sub by myself.
Pete and Chloe: It's true.
Jodi Melville: I was there...Clark's My hero.
House of Carbs
"Where there's always a bun in the oven!"
When Smallvillites want fresh bread and bread-based meals at a reasonable price, they flock to the House of Carbs and chow down.
Keen Observations-
Lionel Luthor: I always enjoy the food there, and now have a dinner named for Me: The Magnificent Basket. So many different types of breads to choose from. Delicious!
Gandhi's Steak House
Easily voted the Best Indian food in Smallville. Providing diners with a touch of Bombay with their BBQ, Gandhi's Steak House is the place to mix sirloin with chutney. Mmm, now thats good chutney.
Keen Observations-
Jonathan Kent: Best darn steak in town!
Martha Kent: Hey!
Jonathan Kent: I could say second best...but its so darn good! I love the spices: chili pepper, rai, cumin, turmeric, fenugreek, ginger, coriander and hing all smothered on the steak!
Martha Kent: That's it. I'm selling them Bessie.
Meteor Mike's MeteorBurgers (made with Meteor Meat!)
Meteor Mike's restaurant in Smallville, Kansas was originally named "Hamburger Heaven" until 1990, when owner Mike Orvitz changed the name to reflect the meteors that struck the town in 1989. It served only hamburgers, milkshakes, and french fries, and was a failing business. While still based on hamburgers, today's menu includes local items that have been added through the years, relying on local cattle which may or may not be tainted by Kryptonite particles.
Drive through menu items:
+ Triple Double MeteorBurger $3.99
+ Quadruple Triple Heartstopper MeteorBurger $5.99
+ Meteor Mutton Buttons $3.79
+ Hot Meat Injection $3.79
+ MeteorChicken Chunks $3.50
+ Huge N' Yummy Pork MeteorBurger with Cheese $5.99
+ A Healthy Heart Selection (1/4 less Meteor meat used in the burgers) 25 cents discount
+ Snout Snips $2.99
+ Slice-O-Seafood $3.25
+ Spleenwich $3.50
+ Twisty Lard $2.49; cinnamin, sugar, and oregano
+ Fast Fryer Scrape 'Ems $2.99
+ Chicken Lungs, Spicy or Mild $4.49
+ Buffalo Things $2.95
+ Fiesta Potato Stix $3.99
+ The All of the Above Bucket $69.95.
+ Blow n' Gulp n' Smile Fizzy Foamy Drink; available in 1 liter vats only $2.50
+ Quintuple Thick Milkshake: Permanent flavors are Vanilla, Strawberry, and Chocolate; seasonal flavors include Whiskey rum brandy or cognac Eggnog (available around Christmas time), Banana Strawberry Pineapple Mango Raspberry Fruit Fight, Arctic Blue (sherbet), Shamrock (a minty shake), Chocolate Rain, and Abba Zaba. $4.00
Dollar menu items:
+ Single Cheesy Meteorburger
+ Single Meteorburger
+ MeteorChicken
+ Sundae (hot cacao beans or peanut butter)
+ Side Salad
+ 2 Pies (Apple and banana)
+ Grape Dippers
+ Veggies 'n Yogurt Parfait
+ Small Fiesta Potato Stix
+ Ice Cream Bowl
+ Chicken Biscuit
+ Pork Biscuit
+ Sausage Griddle
+ Small Drink
Lois: Let's just say Meteor Mike's is an acquired taste...
Other well known Smallville eateries:
+ Taco The Town
+ Veggie Whiz!
+ Da Vinci's Pizza
+ Wok This Way
+ Oh Crepes!
+ Pasty's Pastries
+ Alaskan Soul Food
+ Seafood, Etc. Restaurant
The Nightlife in Smallville:
Wild Coyote
If beer, whiskey, and jukeboxes blaring country AND western music is your cup of Earl Grey tea, try the Wild Coyote. Rumors of them NOT carding is what keeps this establishment afloat, along with the cheap drinks and the loose morals. The owner of the Wild Coyote is Bibbo Bibbowski, an old friend of Jonathan Kent.
Keen Observations-
Pete: I never been there, but all my older brothers have.
Chloe: I can't believe I tabled danced there.
Clark: It was that fight I started that ruined our night.
Chloe: You were just protecting me, honey.
Lois: I'm still working getting rid of that hangover...
Pete: I hate you all.
Nice Rack Pool Hall
Lex Luthor always has a shaft in his hand and wields it mightily; he is considered to be Smallville's most brilliant player and plays at The Nice Rack mostly at night.
FunnyBonez Comedy Club
Local resident Gabe Sullivan is the M.C. himself at the funniest place this side of the FunnyBonez in Metropolis. Catch up and coming comedians get heckled by the townspeople. Stay for the 11PM shows, Gabe gets a little blue with his language.
* Where to Shop in Smallville:
Fordman's
Fordman's is the local everything store, from home, sporting goods and electronics to Kawatchee artifacts and LuthorCorp products.
The Scented Garden
Nell Potter's flower shop is the place get your loved one a special gift of flowers, or a nice bouquet for a funeral.
Squik-E-Mart
convenience store run by Al Miles...employees are skinny slightly boyish girls.
Keen Observations-
Lana: I always get my drinks free on the house...but the guy just stares at me. Weirds me out!
Brown Paper Wrapper
Surprisingly, there is an adult shop within Lowell County...and it's the notorious Brown Paper Wrapper.
Keen Observations-
Nell Potter: I hate franchise stores, like Naughty Naughty in Metropolis; too nice and vanilla. I find the... items at Brown Paper Wrapper have the sizes I... need.
Lana: Hello Squick? This is Lana, report to me as soon as possible.
Chloe: Ditto.
Nell: And you, Lois?
Lois: Sorry, Nell, but I don't go in for these back door shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!
Now Hear This Record Store
Chad the Goth is the manager of this store, which carries amazing variety of choices; from Goth to Glam, to Rock from Classical, Now Hear This has all your music CD needs. A huge bonus to patrons is that Now Hear This also has a stage, and at night on the weekends, live music is offered! Amanda Tom and her band, Color Blind, have been known to rip it up. Come and listen to Amanda shred on her guitar!
Biotch's Watches and Jewelry
Larry Biotch is the owner of this well-known watch selling and watch repairing establishment. Biotch's Watches also carries fine jewelry.
Other shops in Smallville:
+ You Animal Pet Shop
+ Ban's Books
+ Suck and Blow (Smallville's only vacuum and air conditioning unit store)
* Smallville Oddities
The disputed World's Largest Ball of Twine created August 15, 1953, in Cawker City, Kansas, is still growing.
BUT housed in Clem Billups' barn is the 4th largest ball of twine....look out Cawker City! Here we come, one strand at a time!
Keen Observations-
Chloe: We also have the world's most magnificent bast-
Clark: Shh!
Pete: She's only talking about Li-
Clark: Hush your mouth!
Pete and Chloe: I can dig it.
* Smallville Events:
Smallville is known for its multitude of events on its monthly calendar...
The Talon Monthly Film Festival (weekends only)
Each month, The Talon offers a themed festival of movies on the weekends, including the highly popular Freaks of the Week, where proprietor Lana Lang screens horror movies!
The Annual Carnival
There are 49 years and 1 blood-drenched one of Carnival history in this city. Except for that one year, The Carnival that most fun one could have legally in town. The Carnival is the Woodstock of Events; everyone has claimed to have been there.
4th of July
Smallville High School treats students and residents alike to a wonderful firework display. Lex Luthor also treats his friends to a private firework display. Surprisingly, there have been no fires caused by either show.
Soapbox Derby Days
No small town could be complete without a soap box derby competition, and Smallville is no different. For the past 4 years, the Winner's Trophy has gone to 2 entries: The Bald Eagle Mach 10, a LuthorCorp entry, and The Snark, an entry by Chloe Sullivan, Clark Kent and Pete Ross.
I'm SO Wet Water Days (at Shuster Lake)
Nothing screams out "Summertime!" like the I'm SO Wet Water Days! Everyone in Smallville hit Shuster Lake with jet-skies, speedboats, bikinis and trunks. Contests and games fill the weekend days, and the nights? The Aqua Fun Dances, of course. Come see who is named Mister and Miss I'm So Wet; the reigning couple is Clark Kent and Chloe Sullivan.
Haunted Luthor Mansion (celebrated at Halloween)
Lex Luthor is generous and opens his mansion on Halloween eve, resplendent in a horror motif. This funhouse has been voted America's Best 4 years running (Though don't mention what happened last year with the rumored paranormal activity; Chloe Sullivan was there, and STILL looking into it).
Turkey Rama!
November is turkey time, and local turkey farms celebrate Turkey Rama! Generations of Smallville residents have enjoyed this simple street fair/festival. The highlight of Turkey Rama is the naming of the Turkey Princess at the Turkey Rama! Dance; Lana Lang is the reigning Turkey Princess.
Winter Snow-Ball Wonderment Days
When the snow covers Smallville like a cold white blanket, what do the residents do? That's right: Party! Even with the temperature down in the low teens, everyone attends the annual Snow-Ball at the Smallville Ballet, Opera, Symphony, and Open Air Livestock Auction House. Smallville is gussied up all nice, with ribbons on lampposts and wreaths everywhere. The town looks beautiful.
The Black and White Ball
A new Smallville tradition; Lex Luthor holds The Black and White Ball on New Year's Eve, usually from 8 PM December 31 to 2 AM January 1. All attendees must solely wear black and/or white. Smallvillites vie for invitations, but keep in mind socialites and celebrities around the WORLD also vie for invitations! Be there or be square!
Top Ten Best Things to do in Smallville:
10. Read The Torch - HS Newspaper
Get the Midwest's best investigative reporting and conspiracy theories by Chloe Sullivan, Clark Kent, and Pete Ross along with the lunch menu.
9. Eat a "Martha's Muffin"
All the boys (and girls) clamor for Clark Kent's mother's muffins: These flavorful goodies come in many different varieties and available only at the Talon!
8. Enjoy the afterglow of a sunset from Clark Kent's Loft
The best spot for viewing sunsets on the Kansas plain is The Loft is located in the Kent barn.
Note: It's by invite only, and you have to be Chloe Sullivan.
7. Visit Stately Luthor Mansion
It took 4 months to ship all the bricks from Scotland and another 6 months to re-build this beautiful castle, so take a tour of the majesty that is Luthor mansion. Beware: rumors have it that its haunted.
6. Meteor rock collecting
Bring home a piece of outer space by finding a chunk of the meteor rocks that decimated the town back in 1989. Caution: Chloe Sullivan says the rocks affect you in a weird manner.
5. Enjoy The Annual Carnival
It's Fun and Frolic for all around when the carnival arrives in town. Yes, there was once a gruesome blood filled Friday night, but one horror filled carnival in 50 years is not bad.
4. Homecoming Week/Game
The Smallville High School football team, The Crows, has traditionally been a football power and this year was led by quarterback Clark Kent and running-back Pete Ross to become Kansas' elite. Residents spend one week dressing up the town for the Homecoming Game, and hold a parade for the team.
3. Skinny dipping at Shuster Lake
Smallville is notorious for heatwaves and one of the best ways to beat the heat is to....skinny dip at Shuster Lake. Day or Night, clothes are shed and the heat is squelched.
Chloe: "Not that Clark and I did it...or will admit to it..."
2. Enjoy a coffee and a movie at the Talon
The Talon is not only one of Kansas' best coffeehouses but one of America's best retro theaters! AND you can drink your java while watching your movie!
1. Get your life saved by Clark Kent
This goes without saying.
Current record holder: Chloe Sullivan.
Chloe: I don't need a trophy. I have Clark.
The End
Special Thanks to The Simpsons guides, Family Guy, and assorted wikis.