(no subject)
This was written Monday night, but I couldn't post it till now because our internet was down. I am a bit better now, but read on..
I cried last night. Call me an overly sensitive little bitch if you want, I know I did. I haven’t started a post like that in a while, much less actually felt that way, but it happened. I actually didn’t cry as much as I curled up into a ball on the swing in the backyard and bawled my eyes out while a gut wrenching pain devastated my stomach. It only lasted a few minutes but it felt like days. Funny thing is this all happened before I consumed intoxicants. People always say getting messed up only makes things worse, but it actually made things a nit better, and not just for the time I was under the influence. I woke up and felt a tad bit better, until I realized I had to confront another agent of depression, my shithole job. Even then, I felt a bit better than last night.
I talked to Ashley for a bit last night and it sorta helped. A lot of other people I could come to them with my sorrows, but I really don’t want to bore or scare anyone away. Also, there a few people I can’t tell at all. It’s not that I don’t trust them, it’s just I can’t tell them. I want to, but I can’t….I just can’t. My mind can’t even begin to formulate the words to express the emotions and if it ever did, I fear I would scare them away and I don’t want to lose them. It sucks. It sucks so fucking much. I want to express myself, but I can’t. I just can’t. It hurts to hold this in. I am such an honest and open person yet I can’t divulge what I need to the right people. My mind, heart and spirit ache.
I cried last night. Call me an overly sensitive little bitch if you want, I know I did. I haven’t started a post like that in a while, much less actually felt that way, but it happened. I actually didn’t cry as much as I curled up into a ball on the swing in the backyard and bawled my eyes out while a gut wrenching pain devastated my stomach. It only lasted a few minutes but it felt like days. Funny thing is this all happened before I consumed intoxicants. People always say getting messed up only makes things worse, but it actually made things a nit better, and not just for the time I was under the influence. I woke up and felt a tad bit better, until I realized I had to confront another agent of depression, my shithole job. Even then, I felt a bit better than last night.
I talked to Ashley for a bit last night and it sorta helped. A lot of other people I could come to them with my sorrows, but I really don’t want to bore or scare anyone away. Also, there a few people I can’t tell at all. It’s not that I don’t trust them, it’s just I can’t tell them. I want to, but I can’t….I just can’t. My mind can’t even begin to formulate the words to express the emotions and if it ever did, I fear I would scare them away and I don’t want to lose them. It sucks. It sucks so fucking much. I want to express myself, but I can’t. I just can’t. It hurts to hold this in. I am such an honest and open person yet I can’t divulge what I need to the right people. My mind, heart and spirit ache.