215. Seduction. Have you ever seduced someone or has anyone ever seduced you?
Oh, I see what you're getting at.
I'm not going to kid around and say I've never been with the sort of women who'll try to seduce you. Hell, I've knocked around with whores all my life, since I was back in that hick town. They're great girls and all--most of 'em, anyway--but I never fell for their tricks. Saying they love you. Getting real close. Whispering the sort of things they think you want to hear. It was all well and good for a distraction, but I wouldn't call that seduction.
You see, they never won me over. I knew the game too well to be fooled. I'd think to myself I liked the girls, sure, but I knew all the time I never loved them. Never fell for them the way they wanted, though I could kid 'em I did. They liked to hear that.
I've only ever really been seduced by one woman, and that was Evelyn. Now, I know, you might roll your eyes and say to yourselves I'm not being straight with you, but it's the truth. She had me, no question about it, and ever since, she's been the only one I loved.
The thing of it is, she didn't even have to do anything; it just happened. One look at her, the way she walked, the way she looked at me--the things I saw in her eyes... I've never seen anything close to that, ever--like she understood something, everything. Like she never wanted or needed to look away. And I knew from the first time I looked at her that I needed her, just like she needed me. We were just kids, but a part of me knew--I swear to you--and I never forgot that. It sounds nuts, I know, but that's simply the way it was. And after, I got to know more and more how true it was.
It was real, her affection for me--and mine for her--and how could I argue with anything like that? Everything else... Well, it was all true enough in some way, I suppose, but there was always a sort of lie in it. Always something that they were trying to get out of me, or I was trying to get out of them. The same old kidding along. It's great for just playing along, sure, and great for selling things to people, but it gets to you, eventually. I saw too much of that joking, I guess, and I'd wonder whether we only could kid ourselves along. But Evelyn was different. Everything about her was honest and true, and...
God, I loved her.
Even now, when she's--when she isn't here, it gets me. Because I remember. Hell, I never can forget, and I never will. She meant too damn much. I still know the way she looked at me, the way she used to put her hand on me or just lie next to me, letting me touch her hair, and just feeling safe, feeling comfortable. Feeling like it mattered.
And when I'd leave, I'd miss her. Yes, I'd miss the way she felt against me, even the way she looked just standing across the room. And no matter where I went, what I did... No matter what I did, I remembered, and I missed her. Nothing could make me forget that.
So, yes, she seduced me. Easy as that.
How else could anyone get a guy like me to settle down, even for a few months? I never could sit still, couldn't stay in one place, but there we were, buying a house. And I'd always come back to it; I'd want to come back to it, and to her.
And how else could a woman be the only one on my mind, even when I saw... when I was with others? Christ, I'd see her everywhere, I'd feel her everywhere, and sometimes I'd close my eyes and almost think the whores I messed with--Christ. Ah, Christ, that... That was different. They were different, and I knew it. Never could really make myself believe otherwise, and wouldn't have wanted to. She--Evelyn deserved better than that. And I--Never mind that. I did...
It wasn't anything. Because I did know the difference, and it was just a distraction, to keep the walls from closing in on me. Hotel rooms can get awfully lonely, and thinking about Evelyn--how I was away from her, how I couldn't look at her, no matter how much I wanted--only made it worse. A guy's got to keep himself from going completely nuts, and that's all it was.
I won't lie. I've done some things I'm not proud of, I'll tell you that. Hell, I've said as much before, and I might as well confess...
But no matter what I did, I swear to you, I've never stopped loving Evelyn. I can't forget her, the way she looked at me--always--and I never will.
I'm not going to kid around and say I've never been with the sort of women who'll try to seduce you. Hell, I've knocked around with whores all my life, since I was back in that hick town. They're great girls and all--most of 'em, anyway--but I never fell for their tricks. Saying they love you. Getting real close. Whispering the sort of things they think you want to hear. It was all well and good for a distraction, but I wouldn't call that seduction.
You see, they never won me over. I knew the game too well to be fooled. I'd think to myself I liked the girls, sure, but I knew all the time I never loved them. Never fell for them the way they wanted, though I could kid 'em I did. They liked to hear that.
I've only ever really been seduced by one woman, and that was Evelyn. Now, I know, you might roll your eyes and say to yourselves I'm not being straight with you, but it's the truth. She had me, no question about it, and ever since, she's been the only one I loved.
The thing of it is, she didn't even have to do anything; it just happened. One look at her, the way she walked, the way she looked at me--the things I saw in her eyes... I've never seen anything close to that, ever--like she understood something, everything. Like she never wanted or needed to look away. And I knew from the first time I looked at her that I needed her, just like she needed me. We were just kids, but a part of me knew--I swear to you--and I never forgot that. It sounds nuts, I know, but that's simply the way it was. And after, I got to know more and more how true it was.
It was real, her affection for me--and mine for her--and how could I argue with anything like that? Everything else... Well, it was all true enough in some way, I suppose, but there was always a sort of lie in it. Always something that they were trying to get out of me, or I was trying to get out of them. The same old kidding along. It's great for just playing along, sure, and great for selling things to people, but it gets to you, eventually. I saw too much of that joking, I guess, and I'd wonder whether we only could kid ourselves along. But Evelyn was different. Everything about her was honest and true, and...
God, I loved her.
Even now, when she's--when she isn't here, it gets me. Because I remember. Hell, I never can forget, and I never will. She meant too damn much. I still know the way she looked at me, the way she used to put her hand on me or just lie next to me, letting me touch her hair, and just feeling safe, feeling comfortable. Feeling like it mattered.
And when I'd leave, I'd miss her. Yes, I'd miss the way she felt against me, even the way she looked just standing across the room. And no matter where I went, what I did... No matter what I did, I remembered, and I missed her. Nothing could make me forget that.
So, yes, she seduced me. Easy as that.
How else could anyone get a guy like me to settle down, even for a few months? I never could sit still, couldn't stay in one place, but there we were, buying a house. And I'd always come back to it; I'd want to come back to it, and to her.
And how else could a woman be the only one on my mind, even when I saw... when I was with others? Christ, I'd see her everywhere, I'd feel her everywhere, and sometimes I'd close my eyes and almost think the whores I messed with--Christ. Ah, Christ, that... That was different. They were different, and I knew it. Never could really make myself believe otherwise, and wouldn't have wanted to. She--Evelyn deserved better than that. And I--Never mind that. I did...
It wasn't anything. Because I did know the difference, and it was just a distraction, to keep the walls from closing in on me. Hotel rooms can get awfully lonely, and thinking about Evelyn--how I was away from her, how I couldn't look at her, no matter how much I wanted--only made it worse. A guy's got to keep himself from going completely nuts, and that's all it was.
I won't lie. I've done some things I'm not proud of, I'll tell you that. Hell, I've said as much before, and I might as well confess...
But no matter what I did, I swear to you, I've never stopped loving Evelyn. I can't forget her, the way she looked at me--always--and I never will.