It Will Shock You.
"I wanted other things. One day, you're there, and then all of a sudden, there's less of you. And you wonder where that part went. If it's living somewhere outside of you. And you keep thinking - maybe you'll get it back. And then you realize: it's just gone." - Peggy Olson
Yes, I'm sunk on "Mad Men." It's a good show, it works - hard. In fact, I haven't liked a show this much since "The X-Files." The characters you alternately hate and are intensely envious of. Well-written (with brief periods of wtf). And of course...it looks like a damn dream. There have even been a few moments that I personally would even categorize as victories of modern television.
Maybe it appeals to me on a level that it shouldn't - that I'm thinking way too hard about. But with all this newfound time I have to think, such things happen. When I'm forced to realize that maybe my life up till now hasn't been so much about searching out pride, but about burying shame deep, deep, deep. Mom said to me one time not too long ago that she was worried about me, because it seemed like I was missing something. I felt the same way - not necessarily that I felt a hole where something had been, but more that things inside now had a little more room to knock around and make noise. Like when you have a box crammed full and you take out one small thing. Then the box starts rattling and rattling.
I've been ashamed of whatever it was that I lost, and I don't even know what that lost thing is. Which is fucked up when you think about it - I'm ashamed of something that I don't even know. And on the list of things that I actually have to be ashamed of, is there really room for something that is just (maybe inherently) unknowable?
No, that's ridiculous.
You can tell me all day long that shame and regret are useless emotions, that they'll rot me even as I stand here, far, far away from everyone. And I'll tell you that you're already rotten if you don't feel them.
There is no such thing as a useless emotion.
I was going to wake up this morning and go to church - the Unitarian Church on Church Street just because - can you imagine the people who go to a UU church in Burlington, Vermont? I've heard this place described as the west coast of the northeast, which is so true. But the story goes this way - I didn't go, because I've been keeping bat hours and was sleepy. How anti-climactic.
School starts next week, and I really need to get on the ball about getting up and being productive throughout the day. Even though classes are in the evening. On the whole, I'm glad I decided to go here. I had an offer to attend the New School in NYC. I'm glad I turned them down. Me in New York is a travesty that I'm not ready to investigate.
Yes, I'm sunk on "Mad Men." It's a good show, it works - hard. In fact, I haven't liked a show this much since "The X-Files." The characters you alternately hate and are intensely envious of. Well-written (with brief periods of wtf). And of course...it looks like a damn dream. There have even been a few moments that I personally would even categorize as victories of modern television.
Maybe it appeals to me on a level that it shouldn't - that I'm thinking way too hard about. But with all this newfound time I have to think, such things happen. When I'm forced to realize that maybe my life up till now hasn't been so much about searching out pride, but about burying shame deep, deep, deep. Mom said to me one time not too long ago that she was worried about me, because it seemed like I was missing something. I felt the same way - not necessarily that I felt a hole where something had been, but more that things inside now had a little more room to knock around and make noise. Like when you have a box crammed full and you take out one small thing. Then the box starts rattling and rattling.
I've been ashamed of whatever it was that I lost, and I don't even know what that lost thing is. Which is fucked up when you think about it - I'm ashamed of something that I don't even know. And on the list of things that I actually have to be ashamed of, is there really room for something that is just (maybe inherently) unknowable?
No, that's ridiculous.
You can tell me all day long that shame and regret are useless emotions, that they'll rot me even as I stand here, far, far away from everyone. And I'll tell you that you're already rotten if you don't feel them.
There is no such thing as a useless emotion.
I was going to wake up this morning and go to church - the Unitarian Church on Church Street just because - can you imagine the people who go to a UU church in Burlington, Vermont? I've heard this place described as the west coast of the northeast, which is so true. But the story goes this way - I didn't go, because I've been keeping bat hours and was sleepy. How anti-climactic.
School starts next week, and I really need to get on the ball about getting up and being productive throughout the day. Even though classes are in the evening. On the whole, I'm glad I decided to go here. I had an offer to attend the New School in NYC. I'm glad I turned them down. Me in New York is a travesty that I'm not ready to investigate.