Here we go meditating again...on wonderlost
jesselite (Jesse) put up some old photos on his lj of some of us
(myself, Jenny B, Braden, Iain, Cooley, Jesse [of course] and Lindsey) hanging out in my basement.
It brings a lot of conflicting emotions to the forefront as that period of my life is an odd one.
I loved it at the time and then started to sour on it a while ago. Loss of innocence and all that, if you know
me well I tend to bitch about the loss of innocence as we grow older and how you can never go home again.
I've mellowed on that stance a bit, since a conversation I had with Katherine about the nature of innocence
a while ago. There's a certain innocence in growing older, making your way in the world and everything else
that comes with being "mature". Looking at that photo I see all of us differently than I did even a few
months ago, I feel bad about it all. We hurt each other and had thin enough skin to make it stick longer than
it should've, we said and did stupid things and of course we still do, but still I don't think we ever doubted that we
loved each others company, did we? Eh who's to say I'm probably wrong, but fuck it I'd like to believe it was
the case. We were making an attempt to grow up together we were bound to make mistakes. Truth is I
regret looking at things the way I do, because I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin now than
I did then and I enjoy my life a lot more. I guess the passage of time taints things a bit, because all the stupid
things in between then and now color what memories I have of those moments. Ah well eh. They were
good times and I'm sure that night was a good one, but I've stopped missing that. I guess that's what
makes me feel bad is that I don't miss it. I do regret that we stopped growing up together. Braden and I
talk like the old days when we talk, water's under the bridge, I see less and less of Iain and Alison as
time goes by, but I certainly enjoy their company when I have it, I wonder how Jenny's doing, well
hopefully and I see and exchange pleasantries with Jesse most days, I regret the fact Lindsey and I
haven't spoken in four months, though I'm not prepared to discuss it with her, and I couldn't say if she'd
like to discuss this facr with me or not because I have absolutely no idea. I'm rambling incohently again
and I know it, but as much as I long for the future I live in the past. Those days of my second family, coffee
conversations and the basement. It doesn't really matter if they were as sweet as I want to remember
or not, I miss being a middle class, uncool, average high school kid and trying, for the first time to
figure it all out. I haven't figured it all out yet, I don't think any of us have (though I can only speak for
myself)
I'm just wondering tonight how everyone else has done in that regard...figuring it all out.
Kind regards from my meditations
Andy McNab