Happiness
One would have assumed by now that I would have learned this lesson a long time ago. That, after having it bashed into my head for the last thirty-seven years of my life that I would have learned by now that I am not deserving of contentment or happiness. No, this is not a pity card being played. Gods know I have had that played against me enough over the past five years. This is merely an observation. Every time I finally find contentment, that I find a break in the storm clouds that loom over my head, and I let my guard down...things go back to being as bleak as they were before I found the moment. Who am I kidding. Someone like me doesn't deserve to be happy. All of the shit I have done in my life, it's a wonder that I am even granted the brief moments of happiness that I do find. And maybe that is my problem. I find these moments and I want to cling on to them for dear life. But then again, I never know when I am going to get to experience this emotion again. So after a few days of being happy, content, and actually smiling for once...in one fel swoop, it all vanishes. But as I previously said, should I expect anything else in my life but that? There are so many thoughts and emotions going on in my head right now that I can't seem to sort them out. But one thing is clear, things are on the horizon to change and it's not going to be the change I wanted or hoped for. I already seen this story before, I already know how its going to play out.