Once again an old friend embraces me...
So fuck the normal warnings, you should know them by now.
So you would think that by now I would have learned my lesson. You would think that by now I would have learned that I don't tempt fate by being happy. That I don't express what I am feeling or thinking with out some form of repercussion coming from it no matter who I do it to. The break up has done a number on me, a real bad number. I have sat here in the dark with only the glare of the computer for a source of light many a night trying to get my mind off of things. To try and find some form of escape from the constant torment I put myself through.I blame myself for the break up even though I am told it was nothing that I did. That it just was not the right time for a relationship on his end. But I can not help it. I blame myself. Maybe if I said something different, maybe if I did something different. Maybe if I didn't open up, and that is what scares me right now. I have the chance of something wonderful but with the wall that I spent nine years building has already been torn down and I have not had time to build it back up, I am already being open and expressing feelings that I shouldn't. No, not the love emotion. I don't know if I can get back to that one any time soon. I am afraid because I have not had time to place the masks on again. I have not had time to build the wall before...god fucking damn it. They say everything happens for a reason, but for fucks sake...I am sitting here going on and on like I am a fucking teenager again. But then again this is why I still post to this thing, no one will really read it. I can just open up and let everything out and just fucking get out of my god damn head. So here goes....the whole story of what is going on. And yes, I did love Joe and part of me still does.
So in 2011, I embarked on my journey to Arizona. I think it was 2011, I have to look back at my older posts and see...ANYWAYS... I embarked on a journey to let part of me out. To experience something that was dormant in me and to bring it out. That was pup play. And yes, there is a point to this. So I moved to Arizona to be Rick's pup. He named my Jus. Not that matters anymore, I am no longer that pup or person. I have grown both older (literally) and wiser and as fucked up as the situation with him was, I grew as a person. I made the mistake of trusting him and letting those walls down (Oh the pain of the walls being down and the defenses not being there goes way past him but Ugh, I would be here all night just getting all of that out) and I got hurt....REALLY fucking bad. The role of a Handler is to protect their pups from harm, or at least that is what I think and thought at the time, and he didn't. In fact he put me in more danger with Mark. Come to find out a year and a half later when I was still living in Texas, that Mark literally went crazy and moved back to Minnesota after destroying the house him and rick lived in. Looks like karma does come back around after all...well for some people, still waiting to see it hit others. But I thought I would be done with that aspect in my life, and I was afraid to try that again. To put my well being into someone else's hands. And I think that is why part of me toughened up a bit more, to stand on my own two feet and not want to ask anyone else for help. I mean hell, because of Rick just up and leaving me in Texas...I met Craig and that piece of shit stole my medication and broke my trust as well. Jeez, seeing a pattern here. And I am not playing the martyr card here and saying it was all them. I know I played a part in some way but still. So I had to ask help from people I never met in real life to help me get back to Virginia. I had to ask my guild in World of Warcraft for help and I didn't expect it. I thought I would have to find a homeless shelter to live in until I got back up on my feet...But they did it. They banded together and got me a bus ticket back home.
So here we are, back in Virginia in 2013. Fuck seems like I am filling in the gaps for the miss posts on here or the delays. I am sure at some point I will go back further and end up talking about James if I haven't already haven't. Who the fuck knows. Insomnia and only sleeping for 3 hours in 36 hours causes you to start doing weird shit and I don't know if I will be able to get any sleep tomorrow night. Who the fuck knows. This could be the start of one of my insomnia attacks....oh fucking joy. And thank you Spotify for playing shit to make the mood even better. ANYWAYS getting back on track.
In October of 2013 I get back to Virginia. I stay with Matt for a few weeks, almost a month and then I go to stay with a "friend" and his family. I use quotations there because at the time I thought he was a friend. Well...that was a horrible decision. The house was infested with roaches and rats, they had four dogs that they let shit and piss in the house and I woke up one night to Lyn's boyfriend standing over me with a knife in his hands. Oh and not to mention the one night that Roy flipped the fuck out and threw a tv into the wall of the room I was staying in. Needless to say when I had the chance to come visit my grandmother and uncle for christmas, I did. And I left a lot of the stuff I brought with me from Texas there. I couldn't go back for it. I didn't want to put myself in a situation like what I was in again. So I come stay with grandma and uncle cory. I was flat out told that I couldn't go to my Aunt's house for christmas. Only logical conclusion I could come up with on that is because I am gay. Then my second family, the people who nursed me back to health when I was almost dead, turned their back on me for some reason. I do not know why and I never will. Oh we are back on good terms, but that took half a year.
Now we move into 2014. I get my own house to live in. A "friend" owned it and no one was living there and she said I could stay there. Everything was wonderful until May of 2014 when her sister and someone I called family, moved in. Well her "friend", notice how I am using quotations here? Means fake friends in the end. ANYWAYS Amanda convinced Amber to move away with her to a trailer and left me with Neigmiah (how ever the fuck his name is spelt) to live with me. And with that came two new roommates that were never discussed with me, and well a fucking party every night involving 15-20 people. Now don't get me wrong. I love a good party...or I did. That's when I learned that I became a bit closed off and more of a recluse than what I use to be. Anyways...Amber and Amanda got into a fight, Amber moved back in and Neigiah got evicted for the parties and it was just me and Amber. Well then Amber's mom moves in...and well...that was interesting. Drug city central when Amber moved out in November. And then Cindy gets locked up in December and it was just me again. Well thanks to EVERYONE not helping me with the Utilities when they lived there...water got shut off for a while, power was endangered, and I had to do what I know how to do...survive. I went and swallowed my pride and got help with the bills. Now that brings us to last year.
So speed it up some...Cindy got released. Both of us got eviction letters, well I got one she got a verbal one, from Ashely (her daughter who owned the house) baby daddy. Well I go to spend the weekend with Mom and Dad (not my biological ones) and she moves in two more drug addicts so yeah I was constantly around drugs. Oh fucking yay! Well Grandma started to get worried that if the house got raided, I would go to jail so I ended up living back with her and Uncle Cory and started to go to college...then we hit September of last year....
My biological mother got suddenly sick and was put into the hospital was was a vegetable for 21 days. Thankfully before that, the last four weeks before she got sick, We were able to work threw SOME of the issues I had with her. Again LONG story for another day. Well I met Joe on the 25th and we hit it off. I should say I met him face to face. What cause the wall to crumble a bit with him was we were only together for two weeks and he drove three hours to be there with me when I made the decision to take my mother off of life support.
And I think there is a good stopping point for tonight. Ugh it feels a bit better getting some of this off of my chest. I have the habit of botleing up everything and when the bottle gets to full...well pop.
So you would think that by now I would have learned my lesson. You would think that by now I would have learned that I don't tempt fate by being happy. That I don't express what I am feeling or thinking with out some form of repercussion coming from it no matter who I do it to. The break up has done a number on me, a real bad number. I have sat here in the dark with only the glare of the computer for a source of light many a night trying to get my mind off of things. To try and find some form of escape from the constant torment I put myself through.I blame myself for the break up even though I am told it was nothing that I did. That it just was not the right time for a relationship on his end. But I can not help it. I blame myself. Maybe if I said something different, maybe if I did something different. Maybe if I didn't open up, and that is what scares me right now. I have the chance of something wonderful but with the wall that I spent nine years building has already been torn down and I have not had time to build it back up, I am already being open and expressing feelings that I shouldn't. No, not the love emotion. I don't know if I can get back to that one any time soon. I am afraid because I have not had time to place the masks on again. I have not had time to build the wall before...god fucking damn it. They say everything happens for a reason, but for fucks sake...I am sitting here going on and on like I am a fucking teenager again. But then again this is why I still post to this thing, no one will really read it. I can just open up and let everything out and just fucking get out of my god damn head. So here goes....the whole story of what is going on. And yes, I did love Joe and part of me still does.
So in 2011, I embarked on my journey to Arizona. I think it was 2011, I have to look back at my older posts and see...ANYWAYS... I embarked on a journey to let part of me out. To experience something that was dormant in me and to bring it out. That was pup play. And yes, there is a point to this. So I moved to Arizona to be Rick's pup. He named my Jus. Not that matters anymore, I am no longer that pup or person. I have grown both older (literally) and wiser and as fucked up as the situation with him was, I grew as a person. I made the mistake of trusting him and letting those walls down (Oh the pain of the walls being down and the defenses not being there goes way past him but Ugh, I would be here all night just getting all of that out) and I got hurt....REALLY fucking bad. The role of a Handler is to protect their pups from harm, or at least that is what I think and thought at the time, and he didn't. In fact he put me in more danger with Mark. Come to find out a year and a half later when I was still living in Texas, that Mark literally went crazy and moved back to Minnesota after destroying the house him and rick lived in. Looks like karma does come back around after all...well for some people, still waiting to see it hit others. But I thought I would be done with that aspect in my life, and I was afraid to try that again. To put my well being into someone else's hands. And I think that is why part of me toughened up a bit more, to stand on my own two feet and not want to ask anyone else for help. I mean hell, because of Rick just up and leaving me in Texas...I met Craig and that piece of shit stole my medication and broke my trust as well. Jeez, seeing a pattern here. And I am not playing the martyr card here and saying it was all them. I know I played a part in some way but still. So I had to ask help from people I never met in real life to help me get back to Virginia. I had to ask my guild in World of Warcraft for help and I didn't expect it. I thought I would have to find a homeless shelter to live in until I got back up on my feet...But they did it. They banded together and got me a bus ticket back home.
So here we are, back in Virginia in 2013. Fuck seems like I am filling in the gaps for the miss posts on here or the delays. I am sure at some point I will go back further and end up talking about James if I haven't already haven't. Who the fuck knows. Insomnia and only sleeping for 3 hours in 36 hours causes you to start doing weird shit and I don't know if I will be able to get any sleep tomorrow night. Who the fuck knows. This could be the start of one of my insomnia attacks....oh fucking joy. And thank you Spotify for playing shit to make the mood even better. ANYWAYS getting back on track.
In October of 2013 I get back to Virginia. I stay with Matt for a few weeks, almost a month and then I go to stay with a "friend" and his family. I use quotations there because at the time I thought he was a friend. Well...that was a horrible decision. The house was infested with roaches and rats, they had four dogs that they let shit and piss in the house and I woke up one night to Lyn's boyfriend standing over me with a knife in his hands. Oh and not to mention the one night that Roy flipped the fuck out and threw a tv into the wall of the room I was staying in. Needless to say when I had the chance to come visit my grandmother and uncle for christmas, I did. And I left a lot of the stuff I brought with me from Texas there. I couldn't go back for it. I didn't want to put myself in a situation like what I was in again. So I come stay with grandma and uncle cory. I was flat out told that I couldn't go to my Aunt's house for christmas. Only logical conclusion I could come up with on that is because I am gay. Then my second family, the people who nursed me back to health when I was almost dead, turned their back on me for some reason. I do not know why and I never will. Oh we are back on good terms, but that took half a year.
Now we move into 2014. I get my own house to live in. A "friend" owned it and no one was living there and she said I could stay there. Everything was wonderful until May of 2014 when her sister and someone I called family, moved in. Well her "friend", notice how I am using quotations here? Means fake friends in the end. ANYWAYS Amanda convinced Amber to move away with her to a trailer and left me with Neigmiah (how ever the fuck his name is spelt) to live with me. And with that came two new roommates that were never discussed with me, and well a fucking party every night involving 15-20 people. Now don't get me wrong. I love a good party...or I did. That's when I learned that I became a bit closed off and more of a recluse than what I use to be. Anyways...Amber and Amanda got into a fight, Amber moved back in and Neigiah got evicted for the parties and it was just me and Amber. Well then Amber's mom moves in...and well...that was interesting. Drug city central when Amber moved out in November. And then Cindy gets locked up in December and it was just me again. Well thanks to EVERYONE not helping me with the Utilities when they lived there...water got shut off for a while, power was endangered, and I had to do what I know how to do...survive. I went and swallowed my pride and got help with the bills. Now that brings us to last year.
So speed it up some...Cindy got released. Both of us got eviction letters, well I got one she got a verbal one, from Ashely (her daughter who owned the house) baby daddy. Well I go to spend the weekend with Mom and Dad (not my biological ones) and she moves in two more drug addicts so yeah I was constantly around drugs. Oh fucking yay! Well Grandma started to get worried that if the house got raided, I would go to jail so I ended up living back with her and Uncle Cory and started to go to college...then we hit September of last year....
My biological mother got suddenly sick and was put into the hospital was was a vegetable for 21 days. Thankfully before that, the last four weeks before she got sick, We were able to work threw SOME of the issues I had with her. Again LONG story for another day. Well I met Joe on the 25th and we hit it off. I should say I met him face to face. What cause the wall to crumble a bit with him was we were only together for two weeks and he drove three hours to be there with me when I made the decision to take my mother off of life support.
And I think there is a good stopping point for tonight. Ugh it feels a bit better getting some of this off of my chest. I have the habit of botleing up everything and when the bottle gets to full...well pop.