B-SIDE: Cooking With Arthur (Part One)
Title: Cooking with Arthur (Part One: Making Sandwiches)
Author(s): sionnach-ayame & stardoll
Disclaimer: Inception? Not ours.
Word Count: 848
Summary: Where Eames teaches Arthur to make a sandwich and Arthur is a bitch.
Authors Notes: Can be read as part of Postbox!Verse but not necessary. Intended for humor purposes only. CRACK.
Eames: Sometimes, I like to rubbish my take-out menus and leave the flat, simply to spite you. And when a situation like that occurs, you will need to know how to fend for yourself. That is why today I'm teaching you how to make a sandwich!
Arthur: That is cruel and unusual punishment.
Eames: I fail to see how teaching you to be self-sufficient is cruel and unusual punishment, love.
Arthur: You know I rely on those take-out menus to order something to keep me sustained with food substances. [sigh] Fine. Teach me how to be self sufficient, Mr. Eames.
Eames: Self-sustained living is its own reward! Alright, Arthur. Step one is take the bread out of the bread bin.
Arthur: We usually have bread in bags in the States.
Eames: *long sigh* Arthur. Two slices of bread. Take them out of the bin.
Arthur: I don't have to cut them, right? [takes out two sliced of bread and sets them out in front of him] What's next?
Eames: No Arthur, I planned in advance and got the special pre-sliced variety! Alright. Next you take THIS butterknife to spread mayonnaise on the bread. Arthur, are you following me?
Arthur: Mayonnaise is the white stuff right? Is it fat free? Do we put anything else on it like a vinaigrette?
Eames: ...yes, it's the white stuff (mutters) I'll show you white stuff. AHEM. It's NOT fat-free, but with all due respect you don't need to worry about that.
Arthur: [raises an eyebrow] Pretty sure that should happen after I fix a meal. I have to watch my fat to calorie ratio. [dryly but does as he's told - spreads mayo on the slices of bread, intentionally slowly]
Eames: You could go a little faster, love.
Arthur: Don't they say waiting makes things sweeter.
Eames: Spread the bleeding mayo on the bread! Next step is to pile meat onto the damn bread. What do you prefer, turkey or ham?
Arthur: [bites back a chuckle] I don't know - it depends on the day. I'm not sure if I prefer turkey or ham today. I think perhaps both. [sweetly] Can I have both, Mr. Eames?
Eames: Why the fuck not, it's a sandwich! I once made a sandwich of only turkey and salami stacked one upon the other! Go nuts, Arthur, it's your sandwich, and we're doing so well on it, aren't we?
Arthur: [a little amused - putting turkey and ham onto his sandwich] Do you have a fire extinguisher handy? Last time I did this, might have started a fire... [he perhaps was teasing...a little]
Eames: ..if you set fire to a sandwich then you need more help than I can provide. Next, add cheese. I made it easy for you and got the pre-sliced kind - all you need to do is unwrap the cheese from the plastic and put it on top of your pile of meat! Can you DO that, Arthur? Can you do that for me?
Arthur: [blinks at Eames] I don't know. Sounds unnecessarily complicated.
Eames: Shut up and put the damn cheese slice on the meat.
Arthur: That's what s/he said. [puts the cheese on the meat]
Eames: ...that doesn't even make fucking sense.
Arthur: Fuck you. Just a question - are wraps the same thing as sandwiches?
Eames: No. Wraps are an entirely different universe and far too complicated for a mind so uninspired as yours when it comes to culinary arts.
Arthur: I thought as much. So what next, Mr. Eames? I put on your freaking cheese. It better taste good.
Eames: It's American slices. Your primitive palatte will be accustomed to it. Next I'm going to ask a question that will blow your mind: do you want lettuce or tomato on your damn sandwich?
Arthur: [silent as he gives it some serious thought]
Eames: ...fuck you.
Arthur: I'll take both. [sweet as possible]
Eames: Would peeling leaves off of a head of iceburg lettuce be too complicated for you?
Arthur: It's very possible but I think I can manage.
Eames: ...do you think in any way that you touching the lettuce will cause it to spontaneously combust?
Arthur: [can't help but chuckle] No.
Eames: [sighs shortly] Then peel off a leaf or two and put it on the cheese. How are your skills with a knife?
Arthur: [does so] I can kill a man with a knife. Does that count?
Eames: ...do you think you can cut a damn tomato?
Arthur: Seems taxing but I suppose I can. [cuts a couple of slices of tomato and puts them on his sandwich]
Eames: OH GOD do you think that's too thick? Are you sure you can handle a knife?
Arthur: Nothing bigger than I've taken in my mouth before.
Eames: Next you take the bread, put it on top of that stack of shit, and voila. Sandwich. And not a single third degree burn to be had. Look at you, all self-sufficient! You made a sandwich!
Arthur: Your condescension is much appreciated, Eames - thank you.
Eames: Just eat your sandwich.
Author(s): sionnach-ayame & stardoll
Disclaimer: Inception? Not ours.
Word Count: 848
Summary: Where Eames teaches Arthur to make a sandwich and Arthur is a bitch.
Authors Notes: Can be read as part of Postbox!Verse but not necessary. Intended for humor purposes only. CRACK.
Eames: Sometimes, I like to rubbish my take-out menus and leave the flat, simply to spite you. And when a situation like that occurs, you will need to know how to fend for yourself. That is why today I'm teaching you how to make a sandwich!
Arthur: That is cruel and unusual punishment.
Eames: I fail to see how teaching you to be self-sufficient is cruel and unusual punishment, love.
Arthur: You know I rely on those take-out menus to order something to keep me sustained with food substances. [sigh] Fine. Teach me how to be self sufficient, Mr. Eames.
Eames: Self-sustained living is its own reward! Alright, Arthur. Step one is take the bread out of the bread bin.
Arthur: We usually have bread in bags in the States.
Eames: *long sigh* Arthur. Two slices of bread. Take them out of the bin.
Arthur: I don't have to cut them, right? [takes out two sliced of bread and sets them out in front of him] What's next?
Eames: No Arthur, I planned in advance and got the special pre-sliced variety! Alright. Next you take THIS butterknife to spread mayonnaise on the bread. Arthur, are you following me?
Arthur: Mayonnaise is the white stuff right? Is it fat free? Do we put anything else on it like a vinaigrette?
Eames: ...yes, it's the white stuff (mutters) I'll show you white stuff. AHEM. It's NOT fat-free, but with all due respect you don't need to worry about that.
Arthur: [raises an eyebrow] Pretty sure that should happen after I fix a meal. I have to watch my fat to calorie ratio. [dryly but does as he's told - spreads mayo on the slices of bread, intentionally slowly]
Eames: You could go a little faster, love.
Arthur: Don't they say waiting makes things sweeter.
Eames: Spread the bleeding mayo on the bread! Next step is to pile meat onto the damn bread. What do you prefer, turkey or ham?
Arthur: [bites back a chuckle] I don't know - it depends on the day. I'm not sure if I prefer turkey or ham today. I think perhaps both. [sweetly] Can I have both, Mr. Eames?
Eames: Why the fuck not, it's a sandwich! I once made a sandwich of only turkey and salami stacked one upon the other! Go nuts, Arthur, it's your sandwich, and we're doing so well on it, aren't we?
Arthur: [a little amused - putting turkey and ham onto his sandwich] Do you have a fire extinguisher handy? Last time I did this, might have started a fire... [he perhaps was teasing...a little]
Eames: ..if you set fire to a sandwich then you need more help than I can provide. Next, add cheese. I made it easy for you and got the pre-sliced kind - all you need to do is unwrap the cheese from the plastic and put it on top of your pile of meat! Can you DO that, Arthur? Can you do that for me?
Arthur: [blinks at Eames] I don't know. Sounds unnecessarily complicated.
Eames: Shut up and put the damn cheese slice on the meat.
Arthur: That's what s/he said. [puts the cheese on the meat]
Eames: ...that doesn't even make fucking sense.
Arthur: Fuck you. Just a question - are wraps the same thing as sandwiches?
Eames: No. Wraps are an entirely different universe and far too complicated for a mind so uninspired as yours when it comes to culinary arts.
Arthur: I thought as much. So what next, Mr. Eames? I put on your freaking cheese. It better taste good.
Eames: It's American slices. Your primitive palatte will be accustomed to it. Next I'm going to ask a question that will blow your mind: do you want lettuce or tomato on your damn sandwich?
Arthur: [silent as he gives it some serious thought]
Eames: ...fuck you.
Arthur: I'll take both. [sweet as possible]
Eames: Would peeling leaves off of a head of iceburg lettuce be too complicated for you?
Arthur: It's very possible but I think I can manage.
Eames: ...do you think in any way that you touching the lettuce will cause it to spontaneously combust?
Arthur: [can't help but chuckle] No.
Eames: [sighs shortly] Then peel off a leaf or two and put it on the cheese. How are your skills with a knife?
Arthur: [does so] I can kill a man with a knife. Does that count?
Eames: ...do you think you can cut a damn tomato?
Arthur: Seems taxing but I suppose I can. [cuts a couple of slices of tomato and puts them on his sandwich]
Eames: OH GOD do you think that's too thick? Are you sure you can handle a knife?
Arthur: Nothing bigger than I've taken in my mouth before.
Eames: Next you take the bread, put it on top of that stack of shit, and voila. Sandwich. And not a single third degree burn to be had. Look at you, all self-sufficient! You made a sandwich!
Arthur: Your condescension is much appreciated, Eames - thank you.
Eames: Just eat your sandwich.