Oh well.
It's a rare day when I actually update this thing. I don't often find the need to share my feelings with the world... or with, ya know, those 2 or 3 people on my friends list who I don't think read this anyways. Do I have that many friends? I don't even remember anymore... I never come here, really. I've never felt the need to become a real part of this whole LJ community... searching out everyone I know, joining groups, whatever the hell else you can do on here that I don't know about. I know that even if I did get heavily involved with all this, my intrest in the site would wane within days and then I'd just end up ignoring it all again for a few months.
But oh yea... I had a point.
So like I was saying, it's very rare for me to update my journal. But when I do, it's usually because something has happened... no idle "this is my week" entries. Well, I mean, unless the something that has happened has happened over the course of a week or so. But still... you get what I'm saying.
BUT! Back to the point...
When I first started posting here, it was 'cause I'd just gotten quite seriously involved with a girl who was also on here, so it was like a way of subtly telling her what's on my mind when I couldn't talk to her and all... but then crazy shit happened and I was forced to delete all my entries about her as they were evidence. Don't ask. Then I posted again when I had started going out with another girl who I was completely over the moon for, more so than anyone I'd ever been over the moon for before. And then she dumped me. And I posted again. Then a while later I posted about some reflection over all this. And then... nothing.
UNTIL NOW!
As anyone who is reading can probably tell, my inspiration for posting is almost always a person of the female persuasion. So no surprise, that's what this post is about. Unfortuately, this time it's not something as simple as "I met an awesome girl! I'm so happy!" Well, ok, I guess it is that, but then there's more, too, that's all not so good.
Enough of beating around le bush, though...
I couple of months ago or so, this girl I met on myspace comes to town for night, and much to my surprise, she decides to spend her night hanging out with me. By the end of this night, I've officially come to the conclusion that this girl is not only quite gorgeous, she's also just the most fun person I've hung out with in a long long time. But, alas, she must go back to her school, 8 hours away. Since that night, I've found myself becoming somewhat involved with a couple of girls. And, in a very rare turn of events, I end up having a girl become quite taken with me... and she's not ugly or uninteresting or anything bad. Yet, I find I can't get myself to become really interested in her at all. So, I think, maybe there's something wrong with me? Maybe having my heart broken so horribly so many times has somehow messed me up with how I think about girls or something... 'cause when I kiss this girl, when I get my arms around her, when I just get close... I feel nothing. I want to leave.
GoTo -> Thursday, March 17. Evening.
My friend from 8 long hours away has spontaniously come back into town during her spring break. I take her out to go driving around randomly and just hang out and all. We part out in this parking lot by a playground, but the playground's wet, so we go back to the car and hang out where it's dryer and warmer. We're chatting, we're hangin out, I'm playin music, I'm tickling her, she's tickling me, I have her pinned, she has me pinned, I grab her face, we kiss. We keep kissing. Odd looks at each other. Kissing. Random conversation. Dumb jokes. Kissing. Laughing and dumbness. My weird contacts. I make some bad jokes. Kissing. Arms around each other, foggy windows and dull street lights. She has to go. Kissing. Car starting. Cake playing. Windows defogging. Kissing. Driving. Singing. Over acting to the music. Holding her hand. Holding the steering wheel. Singing. Parked. Singing. Over acting to the music. Kissing. Singing. Kissing. Leaving.
And that was the night, in nutshell. And now I'm confused. Ya see, when we were in the car, when she was laying on top of me for a brief moment, just lying there, I was playing with her hair, and I didn't want to leave. I didn't wanna be anywhere else. I never once thought of anyone else... there wasn't one person I would have rather been with right then. It would seem any weirdness I was having with girls was gone. I just stopped and looked at her face, and I felt happy. Really, really happy. Then she asked me why I was lookin at her like that, and I said "nothing".
I don't really know what to think right now. I mean, I wouldn't say I'm in love or anything like that. And it's not like I'm trying to start a relationship with her, I 'spose... she lives 8 hours away, after all. And I know she has her own life there that it'd be stupid of me to try and be a real part of. But the real problem is... it's gonna be hard for me to really get involved with anyone here now, I think. Like I said, I've been tryin that, and nothing's felt right. Before, I could've just been like "oh well, it's probably just me", but now I know that there is someone that feels right, that it's not just me, and I don't wanna settle for less. So, unless I can meet someone else who I feel just as happy with... I dunno what I'll do.
Oh well.
But oh yea... I had a point.
So like I was saying, it's very rare for me to update my journal. But when I do, it's usually because something has happened... no idle "this is my week" entries. Well, I mean, unless the something that has happened has happened over the course of a week or so. But still... you get what I'm saying.
BUT! Back to the point...
When I first started posting here, it was 'cause I'd just gotten quite seriously involved with a girl who was also on here, so it was like a way of subtly telling her what's on my mind when I couldn't talk to her and all... but then crazy shit happened and I was forced to delete all my entries about her as they were evidence. Don't ask. Then I posted again when I had started going out with another girl who I was completely over the moon for, more so than anyone I'd ever been over the moon for before. And then she dumped me. And I posted again. Then a while later I posted about some reflection over all this. And then... nothing.
UNTIL NOW!
As anyone who is reading can probably tell, my inspiration for posting is almost always a person of the female persuasion. So no surprise, that's what this post is about. Unfortuately, this time it's not something as simple as "I met an awesome girl! I'm so happy!" Well, ok, I guess it is that, but then there's more, too, that's all not so good.
Enough of beating around le bush, though...
I couple of months ago or so, this girl I met on myspace comes to town for night, and much to my surprise, she decides to spend her night hanging out with me. By the end of this night, I've officially come to the conclusion that this girl is not only quite gorgeous, she's also just the most fun person I've hung out with in a long long time. But, alas, she must go back to her school, 8 hours away. Since that night, I've found myself becoming somewhat involved with a couple of girls. And, in a very rare turn of events, I end up having a girl become quite taken with me... and she's not ugly or uninteresting or anything bad. Yet, I find I can't get myself to become really interested in her at all. So, I think, maybe there's something wrong with me? Maybe having my heart broken so horribly so many times has somehow messed me up with how I think about girls or something... 'cause when I kiss this girl, when I get my arms around her, when I just get close... I feel nothing. I want to leave.
GoTo -> Thursday, March 17. Evening.
My friend from 8 long hours away has spontaniously come back into town during her spring break. I take her out to go driving around randomly and just hang out and all. We part out in this parking lot by a playground, but the playground's wet, so we go back to the car and hang out where it's dryer and warmer. We're chatting, we're hangin out, I'm playin music, I'm tickling her, she's tickling me, I have her pinned, she has me pinned, I grab her face, we kiss. We keep kissing. Odd looks at each other. Kissing. Random conversation. Dumb jokes. Kissing. Laughing and dumbness. My weird contacts. I make some bad jokes. Kissing. Arms around each other, foggy windows and dull street lights. She has to go. Kissing. Car starting. Cake playing. Windows defogging. Kissing. Driving. Singing. Over acting to the music. Holding her hand. Holding the steering wheel. Singing. Parked. Singing. Over acting to the music. Kissing. Singing. Kissing. Leaving.
And that was the night, in nutshell. And now I'm confused. Ya see, when we were in the car, when she was laying on top of me for a brief moment, just lying there, I was playing with her hair, and I didn't want to leave. I didn't wanna be anywhere else. I never once thought of anyone else... there wasn't one person I would have rather been with right then. It would seem any weirdness I was having with girls was gone. I just stopped and looked at her face, and I felt happy. Really, really happy. Then she asked me why I was lookin at her like that, and I said "nothing".
I don't really know what to think right now. I mean, I wouldn't say I'm in love or anything like that. And it's not like I'm trying to start a relationship with her, I 'spose... she lives 8 hours away, after all. And I know she has her own life there that it'd be stupid of me to try and be a real part of. But the real problem is... it's gonna be hard for me to really get involved with anyone here now, I think. Like I said, I've been tryin that, and nothing's felt right. Before, I could've just been like "oh well, it's probably just me", but now I know that there is someone that feels right, that it's not just me, and I don't wanna settle for less. So, unless I can meet someone else who I feel just as happy with... I dunno what I'll do.
Oh well.