I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset...
I leave in 58 days...if you want it to be this way that's A-OK with me.
So a lot of shit has been going on lately, and when I asked for help I didn't get it., instead I got lied to, stabbed in the back and treated like shit, and I'm done. No more drama, attention whores, shitty friends, lies, hurt, getting excluded, any of it. it's the same old shit, different day. My heart has been fucking kicked to shit by thepeopleI loved most, my friends. The people I would've died for, and the people who I sacrificed a lot for...going above andbeyond the norm...(although that was all forgotten really quickly) And when I've tried to tell someone, the cheap talk of "oh I care" has come out...but no actions. It's always that I'm the problem, and everybody else is blameless...it's not true, but that's the way everybody sees it, and I accept that now. I've been left out of a lot of things, and the effort that I've been making is killing me. And the lack of effort back is even more painful. But that's life, I dont hate anybody, never did, I'm just too tired and broken to hold it all together. I can't do it, and trying to has been kicking my ass. I'm ready to grow up and be a big girl.
So sitting here tonight I suddenly realized that in 58 days everythign changes...although it already has. My biggest problem lately is that I let everything get to me, I realied too much on everybody else to help me. When I suddenly realized that the people I've been so upset about and hte people who I've been begging ot help me ignored me...but there were tons of other people who did wanna help...and who did help. I'm quitting smoking, just on the pure fact that it's not who I am. I'm not succumbing to the popular opinion that I'm a bad personand need to stop, and the judgements I"ve been getting from people have NOT been appreciated, however, it's all in the past, and the people I wanna throw down with in college aren't the ones who smoke (pot or cigarettes) although I will have friends who do one and/or the other, and I will love them just the same, and always be there for them...and now I'll know exactly what they went though, understand some of their reasons...and everything else. There is something to be said for killing yourself slowly. However, I'm worth a lot more than I've let myself think, and a hell of a lot more than others have treated me as. So I'm done. I am who I am, take it or leave it. *shrug* I've made mistakes, I apologize to those who I've hurt, but I dont apologize for hurting. I also pretty much dont trust anybody so hopefully you're all willing to accept that...if not, that's cool too. I have 5ish more weeks of my job, 7ish more weeks of being in town, and the rest of my life ahead of me. Boston is my home, this place is just a holding tank...kind of like a fetus. hahaha, fetus. I have too much going for me to let this shit keep me down. Haha, my dogged personality also won't allow it. I'm too badass for this shit...and hell I'M GOING TO BOSTON UNIVERSITY!!!
So a lot of shit has been going on lately, and when I asked for help I didn't get it., instead I got lied to, stabbed in the back and treated like shit, and I'm done. No more drama, attention whores, shitty friends, lies, hurt, getting excluded, any of it. it's the same old shit, different day. My heart has been fucking kicked to shit by thepeopleI loved most, my friends. The people I would've died for, and the people who I sacrificed a lot for...going above andbeyond the norm...(although that was all forgotten really quickly) And when I've tried to tell someone, the cheap talk of "oh I care" has come out...but no actions. It's always that I'm the problem, and everybody else is blameless...it's not true, but that's the way everybody sees it, and I accept that now. I've been left out of a lot of things, and the effort that I've been making is killing me. And the lack of effort back is even more painful. But that's life, I dont hate anybody, never did, I'm just too tired and broken to hold it all together. I can't do it, and trying to has been kicking my ass. I'm ready to grow up and be a big girl.
So sitting here tonight I suddenly realized that in 58 days everythign changes...although it already has. My biggest problem lately is that I let everything get to me, I realied too much on everybody else to help me. When I suddenly realized that the people I've been so upset about and hte people who I've been begging ot help me ignored me...but there were tons of other people who did wanna help...and who did help. I'm quitting smoking, just on the pure fact that it's not who I am. I'm not succumbing to the popular opinion that I'm a bad personand need to stop, and the judgements I"ve been getting from people have NOT been appreciated, however, it's all in the past, and the people I wanna throw down with in college aren't the ones who smoke (pot or cigarettes) although I will have friends who do one and/or the other, and I will love them just the same, and always be there for them...and now I'll know exactly what they went though, understand some of their reasons...and everything else. There is something to be said for killing yourself slowly. However, I'm worth a lot more than I've let myself think, and a hell of a lot more than others have treated me as. So I'm done. I am who I am, take it or leave it. *shrug* I've made mistakes, I apologize to those who I've hurt, but I dont apologize for hurting. I also pretty much dont trust anybody so hopefully you're all willing to accept that...if not, that's cool too. I have 5ish more weeks of my job, 7ish more weeks of being in town, and the rest of my life ahead of me. Boston is my home, this place is just a holding tank...kind of like a fetus. hahaha, fetus. I have too much going for me to let this shit keep me down. Haha, my dogged personality also won't allow it. I'm too badass for this shit...and hell I'M GOING TO BOSTON UNIVERSITY!!!