ok
Sorry for a long, disorganized post guys, but I don't have time to write anything more. This pot was written just after my therapy appointment today at Easton. I went to therapy because my employer offered the services for free, and am going to talk about my ex-boyfriend Brian, how he affects me, and how I can learn from that and move on in life.
time for a little therapy review. today i went to therapy at easton, and we discussed Brian. I noticed that Brian has an association with a previous version of myself, that revolves around my previous insecurities that still somewhat linger today. We discussed these insecurities and they are 1) feeling like a failure, for having lost the relationship, and the friendship 2) fear of commitment, or putting myself entirely into something. We then began to discuss why I felt those insecurities in my life, and how they might have arisen. When we began to talk about failure, or feeling as if I had failed somehow, we began to discuss why i felt that way and whether or not my feelings were truly justified. We defined the limits of effort and how failure cna be intrinsicly tied to perfectionism. We discovered during our conversation that my feeling of failure came because I never felt like I put my best foot forward in my relationship with Brian. Although I tried, it was always out of vain, and so I never felt like I could truly help Brian, because I wasn't acting in a way that could help myself. I never felt like I did my best, so I was always disappointed in myself, not him. We also talked about how feeling like a failure is also related to my previous quest for perfectionism. Although I was not and did not act like a happy person when I was with Brian, I was an entirely different person back then, and that person can’t be changed. Sometimes it feels like that person was bad, because her actions contributed to a lot of pain in her life, but in reality, she wasn't so bad, she just made some mistakes. However, feeling disappointed in a person that you cannot change is a form of perfectionism, and rather than seeking something that you can’t have, I should work to accept the things I cannot change, not feel bad about them and move on. We spoke a lot about my quest for perfectionism. How it stems from my unique desire to provide myself with answers to life, and my refusal to accept that some things are not instantly gratifying and don't have answers right away. I remember being that way all throughout college, and wanting to shape myself into something that was two dimensional, and how that desire came out how I percieved myself and others. I always percieved that other people were judging me to the fullest extent, so in turn I placed their judgments on myself. And because I believed that other people were scrutinizing me, I felt that I had to be as perfect or as two-dimensional as possible, so I could never be scrutinized. But that’s impossible, and as I soon found out over the years, dealing with your scrutiny is much easier than trying to avoid it. We are not all there is to life, and there are so many things we cant change. But by changing ourselves we can have a much bigger impact. So in turn, because of how I percieved myself and how i was perceived by others, I could never allow myself to become fully three dimensional. And if I was never three dimensional that I could never reach the point of acceptance in my life, and I could never let go of my insecurities, and thus my obsession with "making things right" with Brian. its all kind of sad and foreign to me now. I am not that person anymore, so in a way I find it hard to relate to this fucked up maelstrom I created for myself out of myself and my environment. All I can say is that Ive been there, and I will seek to increasingly understand the situation so I can relate to it, help others with it, and on the whole make a conscious decision to move on. We also pointed out that this desire for perfectionism was brought out by my upbringing and cultural identity. fucked up, huh? I’m glad I talked about this. Now I feel like someday, maybe not right away, but someday soon Brian and I can ( theoretically ) be friends.
time for a little therapy review. today i went to therapy at easton, and we discussed Brian. I noticed that Brian has an association with a previous version of myself, that revolves around my previous insecurities that still somewhat linger today. We discussed these insecurities and they are 1) feeling like a failure, for having lost the relationship, and the friendship 2) fear of commitment, or putting myself entirely into something. We then began to discuss why I felt those insecurities in my life, and how they might have arisen. When we began to talk about failure, or feeling as if I had failed somehow, we began to discuss why i felt that way and whether or not my feelings were truly justified. We defined the limits of effort and how failure cna be intrinsicly tied to perfectionism. We discovered during our conversation that my feeling of failure came because I never felt like I put my best foot forward in my relationship with Brian. Although I tried, it was always out of vain, and so I never felt like I could truly help Brian, because I wasn't acting in a way that could help myself. I never felt like I did my best, so I was always disappointed in myself, not him. We also talked about how feeling like a failure is also related to my previous quest for perfectionism. Although I was not and did not act like a happy person when I was with Brian, I was an entirely different person back then, and that person can’t be changed. Sometimes it feels like that person was bad, because her actions contributed to a lot of pain in her life, but in reality, she wasn't so bad, she just made some mistakes. However, feeling disappointed in a person that you cannot change is a form of perfectionism, and rather than seeking something that you can’t have, I should work to accept the things I cannot change, not feel bad about them and move on. We spoke a lot about my quest for perfectionism. How it stems from my unique desire to provide myself with answers to life, and my refusal to accept that some things are not instantly gratifying and don't have answers right away. I remember being that way all throughout college, and wanting to shape myself into something that was two dimensional, and how that desire came out how I percieved myself and others. I always percieved that other people were judging me to the fullest extent, so in turn I placed their judgments on myself. And because I believed that other people were scrutinizing me, I felt that I had to be as perfect or as two-dimensional as possible, so I could never be scrutinized. But that’s impossible, and as I soon found out over the years, dealing with your scrutiny is much easier than trying to avoid it. We are not all there is to life, and there are so many things we cant change. But by changing ourselves we can have a much bigger impact. So in turn, because of how I percieved myself and how i was perceived by others, I could never allow myself to become fully three dimensional. And if I was never three dimensional that I could never reach the point of acceptance in my life, and I could never let go of my insecurities, and thus my obsession with "making things right" with Brian. its all kind of sad and foreign to me now. I am not that person anymore, so in a way I find it hard to relate to this fucked up maelstrom I created for myself out of myself and my environment. All I can say is that Ive been there, and I will seek to increasingly understand the situation so I can relate to it, help others with it, and on the whole make a conscious decision to move on. We also pointed out that this desire for perfectionism was brought out by my upbringing and cultural identity. fucked up, huh? I’m glad I talked about this. Now I feel like someday, maybe not right away, but someday soon Brian and I can ( theoretically ) be friends.