journaling and listening lily allen
Do not read yet! Draft is still a work in progress, and the current copy is saved in msword.
I'm listening to lily allen right now, and this has gotta be one of my favorite songs by her. I'll link it in the bottom of the post, and its actually a Common song called " Driving me Wild" featuring lily allen. I'm here to journal a little bit about myself today. I set aside this time to write, because I need to get some stuff off my chest and sort it out. I am in a place where I am ready to move forward, and am now willing to accept some limitations and take some risks to get there. Although my life has not been overall happy, in some ways it has become increasingly amazing, as I have started to think about small ways that I can change my life. Many of these life changes are ways in which I can proactively make my life more beautiful, by finding real ways to create my values which are love, sustainability and humanitarianism. These ideas have brought a lot of hope and lot of possibility to my life, but as time has passed, I have found that learning how to bring these ideas realistically into my life has brought me a lot of stress. I think patience plays a large role in how anxious and frustrated i feel about my life. I often find myself knowing what I should be doing to improve my life, but being too impatient to just do it.
Over the past few weeks I have thought about many things, including the peace corps, and conscious consumerism, but the topic that I want to focus my conversation around money because it has brought me the most stress over the past few days. Looking at my current income, and my current expenses, I don't see having a part-time job as something that financially fits my lifestyle. I often think to myself about the multiple goals that I want for myself financially such as saving money, earning a line of credit, purchasing, and having money for the peace corps, and I just don't think I can do it all with a part-time job. As Robert and I talked about on Friday, it's important to understand two components to every emotional state 1) the true nature of that emotion and 2) the motive or reasons behind it. Now, looking back on my emotions I can see how that they really represent feelings about where I am in life. When in paper, my words very vividly show that I am overwhelmed, and conflicted about longstanding conflicts I have about my money and how to prioritize it. These hidden conflicts are in turn causing a lot of anxiety and frustration, that recurrently appear in my everyday life.
As I think back on these anxieties and all of these conflicting financial desires, I begin to realize that I don't have the money, and I can't do it all. I know in our minds it is quite natural for human beings to believe that two-dimensional images can bring happiness to our lives but I need to learn that these material things will never bring me happiness. We all hope and sometimes beyond hope that images can bring our happiness to lives but in reality, because those images are two-dimensional in nature they will always be so, and can never supplement for true satisfaction, and learning in life. For me in particular, I can see that I have always particularly desired material beauty in my life. I have taken my desire for real happiness and manifested that into images of beauty, often of the self, but also in the forms of design and interior decorating as well. Reliance on these images, and often abusing them is often directly related to the current environment in ones life. I think that just recently I have relied too heavily on these images of material beauty to get me through my days because life has been slow, and it is hard to see when an opportunity for real happiness will manifest itself. So, instead of making myself truly happy, I sometimes have turned to material happiness to try and fill in the holes in my life. You need to want to be happy, and that means that you need to take a leap of faith. You bring change into you life, but only if you believe that that change is possible and will result in happiness. A great life requires a leap of faith. And thats what I am about to do. I am going to leap forward and move into the next stage of my life. I am going to find a full-time job, save money and join the peace corps. The material things will just have to fuck off until they are a luxury, and no longer a necessity.
I'm listening to lily allen right now, and this has gotta be one of my favorite songs by her. I'll link it in the bottom of the post, and its actually a Common song called " Driving me Wild" featuring lily allen. I'm here to journal a little bit about myself today. I set aside this time to write, because I need to get some stuff off my chest and sort it out. I am in a place where I am ready to move forward, and am now willing to accept some limitations and take some risks to get there. Although my life has not been overall happy, in some ways it has become increasingly amazing, as I have started to think about small ways that I can change my life. Many of these life changes are ways in which I can proactively make my life more beautiful, by finding real ways to create my values which are love, sustainability and humanitarianism. These ideas have brought a lot of hope and lot of possibility to my life, but as time has passed, I have found that learning how to bring these ideas realistically into my life has brought me a lot of stress. I think patience plays a large role in how anxious and frustrated i feel about my life. I often find myself knowing what I should be doing to improve my life, but being too impatient to just do it.
Over the past few weeks I have thought about many things, including the peace corps, and conscious consumerism, but the topic that I want to focus my conversation around money because it has brought me the most stress over the past few days. Looking at my current income, and my current expenses, I don't see having a part-time job as something that financially fits my lifestyle. I often think to myself about the multiple goals that I want for myself financially such as saving money, earning a line of credit, purchasing, and having money for the peace corps, and I just don't think I can do it all with a part-time job. As Robert and I talked about on Friday, it's important to understand two components to every emotional state 1) the true nature of that emotion and 2) the motive or reasons behind it. Now, looking back on my emotions I can see how that they really represent feelings about where I am in life. When in paper, my words very vividly show that I am overwhelmed, and conflicted about longstanding conflicts I have about my money and how to prioritize it. These hidden conflicts are in turn causing a lot of anxiety and frustration, that recurrently appear in my everyday life.
As I think back on these anxieties and all of these conflicting financial desires, I begin to realize that I don't have the money, and I can't do it all. I know in our minds it is quite natural for human beings to believe that two-dimensional images can bring happiness to our lives but I need to learn that these material things will never bring me happiness. We all hope and sometimes beyond hope that images can bring our happiness to lives but in reality, because those images are two-dimensional in nature they will always be so, and can never supplement for true satisfaction, and learning in life. For me in particular, I can see that I have always particularly desired material beauty in my life. I have taken my desire for real happiness and manifested that into images of beauty, often of the self, but also in the forms of design and interior decorating as well. Reliance on these images, and often abusing them is often directly related to the current environment in ones life. I think that just recently I have relied too heavily on these images of material beauty to get me through my days because life has been slow, and it is hard to see when an opportunity for real happiness will manifest itself. So, instead of making myself truly happy, I sometimes have turned to material happiness to try and fill in the holes in my life. You need to want to be happy, and that means that you need to take a leap of faith. You bring change into you life, but only if you believe that that change is possible and will result in happiness. A great life requires a leap of faith. And thats what I am about to do. I am going to leap forward and move into the next stage of my life. I am going to find a full-time job, save money and join the peace corps. The material things will just have to fuck off until they are a luxury, and no longer a necessity.