(no subject)
Its been a while since I've posted on here.
It all seems like shadows of the past at this point. I seemed to burn most of my bridges again because of how anti-social I become at points. This time it seems worse than usual though. I don't sleep much anymore. 6/7 nights a week I'm up till at least 5 am thats if I sleep. Theres been quite a few nights now that I havn't even slept. my record so to speak is up to 46 hours before I sleep. Not much helps either.
I've gained some weight since I quit lowes....like 5 pounds but it still bugs...
I don't really hang out with anyone anymore outside of work. On the brightside i make at least conversation with anyone who comes into store. But its always been easy for me to pick up a conversation with anyone who plays games. (god damn I'm fucking cold right now) I've been playing wow here and there I stopped for about a month and just picked it back up on wednesday. I'm just bored.
Its not like I'm depressed or anything...I actually havn't been emo or anything lately so thats good...just anti social. I always get to the point where I'm right before calling anyone...and just stop...I hesitate cause I A) either feel unwelcome or B) or i'll feel uncomfortable for numerous reasons (like I'm scared of being made fun of because...I feel like i'm going nowhere...scared of being made fun of past mistakes...really just scared I won't be accepted) I just feel like a fool. then...I just go back to being bored sitting stranded in my room.
I'm still in debt...slowly now....pulling back out of it. still a cloud that hangs over.
I've dreaming more when I sleep, wierd dreams. Lots of past people honestly. I had the craziest dream about high school which fucking tripped me out when I woke up. god it was so vivid and there was just so many people. but the dreams have lead to me writing and sketching again. its nice to get back into old habits like that.
Whats odd...cause it was a while...I've actually been getting some...its been nothing personal but w/e...shit she even got another friend once...maybe thats why I ain't depressed, just lonely. (seriously NO fucking lie...which makes me kinda proudful again...lol)
I know its assumeptions, but as much as I think people don't like me...I do tell the kids at work about a lot of my old friends...and the storys that usually follow them. as always I miss my old friends...and I miss the friendships i had with people. I realize now how much I really valued quite a few friendsships...I could write a list that goes on and on...but it was the late night phone calls between a girl and a boy...that wasn't anything more than having someone to talk to and understand...the truck rides...and falls...the moment of feeling completly alone derailed and a friend coming to see you without hesitation...still walking home with me...even when I became wierder...and pantless...pushing you into the mud to let you know I still cared...the hugs...and punches...
SO many friends...SO many memories...where did I change? or did I only change when i was with a friend. Did that or does that spirit only come when I knew I felt welcome? I don't even know if that "persona" I played wasn't real...maybe It was who I was all along underneath all the self pity and ignorance. Then what happened from then to now? Did I kill that spirit with self disappointment and pushing what little I had left away?
Theres still a whole lot left i want to do...Like I was thinking about a road trip last night...and where my orginal plans for a road trip went...I still want to get out of santee and seeing something other than this place. then I remeber I'm usually broke. blah. I've been doing good with my money lately...maybe I should just start putting money aside and take a trip. TO virginia and back. if alone...I'll do it alone...if things change from now and whenever I do, do it, take someone(s) along. W/e its a goal that'll I'll enjoy and it will definatly be good for me.
On a better note...I havn't hung out with cory in a while. He just happened to be on aim at 5:40 in the morning. so I guess at like 7-8 hes gonna call and will hang out today. I guess that means no sleep. I might pound a energy drink later. I have to head to work for my paycheck later today so I'll just steal an energy drink then.
I have my mom's methadone so i make sure she only takes so much in a day or at a time for that matter, shes in "some" pain here and there but all in all its not the nearly as bad as it was a month or a few years ago. I told her how it was that she needed to stop acting like this and to act like a human being if not a mom. MY brother on the other side...I totally am not cool with him anymore. he pissed me off for the last time. he pulls all this shit saying no one loves him and that hes leaving...so I tell him its stupid choice and tell him not to go...even moms not being bitchy and sames the same...then 5 mins after he laves he won't stop fucking calling the house and bitching about us. Hes just a rottan spoiled little shit whos gonna end up no where in his life. hes in home school now (cause all his friends are) and he plans on dropping out as well (the other friends arn't either). The little bastards a stupid ass sheep who just follows anyone he deems "cool" when in all reality there just dumbshits being pushed along with the crowd. 15 years old and hes already smoking after I told him numerous times its gonna kill mom and that with out a doubt hes got her addictive personality, if not worse like his dad...which I was right. those 2 have to much in common to get along most of the timeits fucking retarded.
but I've always hated stupid people and never been one to follow others so being complete opposites from jay r is hard...But I'm done trying to talk to him now. I just leave when hes in the room and ignore him if hes talking to me. I'm not trying to piss him off or anything I just honestly don't care anymore, I tried and I tried a lot to help and lead him in some kind of direction and he blew me off for scene and emo people...the worst of idiotic society.
I could rant a storm up on the society and the goverment. More and more each day I just seem to hate the country and the people in it a little more. I should probly not watch CNN or read shit on the internet about it. I dunno its my right as a citizen to know this stuff. but wheres my right as a citizen to do anything about it. Like why the fuck do we need troops with our police forces now. Since when the hell does the goverment thing they can pull this off....because of terriosts? what fucking terriosts? Its all the banking systems fault anyways...there the one pushing all this shit cause as long as the goverment makes a bigger debt there just getting more fucking money to line there pockets. This isn't the first time we have been In a "recession" this is the fucking third god damn time the country has lead itself into a hole. And for the most part with a few select events that do change a lot...a lot of us going into the hole is the way we sent up our banking system...we set it up to fail. its fucking retarded. alright but I'm done. <3
It all seems like shadows of the past at this point. I seemed to burn most of my bridges again because of how anti-social I become at points. This time it seems worse than usual though. I don't sleep much anymore. 6/7 nights a week I'm up till at least 5 am thats if I sleep. Theres been quite a few nights now that I havn't even slept. my record so to speak is up to 46 hours before I sleep. Not much helps either.
I've gained some weight since I quit lowes....like 5 pounds but it still bugs...
I don't really hang out with anyone anymore outside of work. On the brightside i make at least conversation with anyone who comes into store. But its always been easy for me to pick up a conversation with anyone who plays games. (god damn I'm fucking cold right now) I've been playing wow here and there I stopped for about a month and just picked it back up on wednesday. I'm just bored.
Its not like I'm depressed or anything...I actually havn't been emo or anything lately so thats good...just anti social. I always get to the point where I'm right before calling anyone...and just stop...I hesitate cause I A) either feel unwelcome or B) or i'll feel uncomfortable for numerous reasons (like I'm scared of being made fun of because...I feel like i'm going nowhere...scared of being made fun of past mistakes...really just scared I won't be accepted) I just feel like a fool. then...I just go back to being bored sitting stranded in my room.
I'm still in debt...slowly now....pulling back out of it. still a cloud that hangs over.
I've dreaming more when I sleep, wierd dreams. Lots of past people honestly. I had the craziest dream about high school which fucking tripped me out when I woke up. god it was so vivid and there was just so many people. but the dreams have lead to me writing and sketching again. its nice to get back into old habits like that.
Whats odd...cause it was a while...I've actually been getting some...its been nothing personal but w/e...shit she even got another friend once...maybe thats why I ain't depressed, just lonely. (seriously NO fucking lie...which makes me kinda proudful again...lol)
I know its assumeptions, but as much as I think people don't like me...I do tell the kids at work about a lot of my old friends...and the storys that usually follow them. as always I miss my old friends...and I miss the friendships i had with people. I realize now how much I really valued quite a few friendsships...I could write a list that goes on and on...but it was the late night phone calls between a girl and a boy...that wasn't anything more than having someone to talk to and understand...the truck rides...and falls...the moment of feeling completly alone derailed and a friend coming to see you without hesitation...still walking home with me...even when I became wierder...and pantless...pushing you into the mud to let you know I still cared...the hugs...and punches...
SO many friends...SO many memories...where did I change? or did I only change when i was with a friend. Did that or does that spirit only come when I knew I felt welcome? I don't even know if that "persona" I played wasn't real...maybe It was who I was all along underneath all the self pity and ignorance. Then what happened from then to now? Did I kill that spirit with self disappointment and pushing what little I had left away?
Theres still a whole lot left i want to do...Like I was thinking about a road trip last night...and where my orginal plans for a road trip went...I still want to get out of santee and seeing something other than this place. then I remeber I'm usually broke. blah. I've been doing good with my money lately...maybe I should just start putting money aside and take a trip. TO virginia and back. if alone...I'll do it alone...if things change from now and whenever I do, do it, take someone(s) along. W/e its a goal that'll I'll enjoy and it will definatly be good for me.
On a better note...I havn't hung out with cory in a while. He just happened to be on aim at 5:40 in the morning. so I guess at like 7-8 hes gonna call and will hang out today. I guess that means no sleep. I might pound a energy drink later. I have to head to work for my paycheck later today so I'll just steal an energy drink then.
I have my mom's methadone so i make sure she only takes so much in a day or at a time for that matter, shes in "some" pain here and there but all in all its not the nearly as bad as it was a month or a few years ago. I told her how it was that she needed to stop acting like this and to act like a human being if not a mom. MY brother on the other side...I totally am not cool with him anymore. he pissed me off for the last time. he pulls all this shit saying no one loves him and that hes leaving...so I tell him its stupid choice and tell him not to go...even moms not being bitchy and sames the same...then 5 mins after he laves he won't stop fucking calling the house and bitching about us. Hes just a rottan spoiled little shit whos gonna end up no where in his life. hes in home school now (cause all his friends are) and he plans on dropping out as well (the other friends arn't either). The little bastards a stupid ass sheep who just follows anyone he deems "cool" when in all reality there just dumbshits being pushed along with the crowd. 15 years old and hes already smoking after I told him numerous times its gonna kill mom and that with out a doubt hes got her addictive personality, if not worse like his dad...which I was right. those 2 have to much in common to get along most of the timeits fucking retarded.
but I've always hated stupid people and never been one to follow others so being complete opposites from jay r is hard...But I'm done trying to talk to him now. I just leave when hes in the room and ignore him if hes talking to me. I'm not trying to piss him off or anything I just honestly don't care anymore, I tried and I tried a lot to help and lead him in some kind of direction and he blew me off for scene and emo people...the worst of idiotic society.
I could rant a storm up on the society and the goverment. More and more each day I just seem to hate the country and the people in it a little more. I should probly not watch CNN or read shit on the internet about it. I dunno its my right as a citizen to know this stuff. but wheres my right as a citizen to do anything about it. Like why the fuck do we need troops with our police forces now. Since when the hell does the goverment thing they can pull this off....because of terriosts? what fucking terriosts? Its all the banking systems fault anyways...there the one pushing all this shit cause as long as the goverment makes a bigger debt there just getting more fucking money to line there pockets. This isn't the first time we have been In a "recession" this is the fucking third god damn time the country has lead itself into a hole. And for the most part with a few select events that do change a lot...a lot of us going into the hole is the way we sent up our banking system...we set it up to fail. its fucking retarded. alright but I'm done. <3