Winter again.
Everything seems to happen in seasons, doesn't it?
Hey livejournal. Haven't used you in a while. Sometimes it's nice to post things where I know only a few will actually see it.
So Spaz broke up with me last friday, the 18th. I knew this was coming. I knew it was once we first started dating, just because when you're in your mid 20's, you go throug a period of introspection and solidude, trying to figure out wo you are again, like wen you were a teenager. I just didn't expect it to happen so quickly wit her, and definately not through someone else. Right before I ad everyting set up for us to live together again... all I needed to do was to find a place...
I know what my part in all of it was. I know that I got distracted, busy, and sometimes distant. Sometimes oru conversations were almost... obligatory, and repatative. Maybe if I took less time to get out, maybe if I got to Columbus sooner, or maybe if I never tried that open relationship. Who can say, maybe it would have happened sooner in that case, maybe not.
I feel the ice again, the winter I felt before. I thought that I could have fall, or spring. I let it get to be summer. The heat makes me think less, get tired and not move as much. Heat makes me think less clearly. But it feels nice and warm... but that heat is going away, and the bitter winds are coming back. This time I know what they feel like.Maybe good will come of it, maybe not. Right now, I am tired. I am hurt. I guess I will find a place on my own and learn to be alone. again.
But yeah. She want to worry less about me (seems counterproductive to do this with that goal...) Se wants to learn to do things on her own (in a place that seems to hold her back) She wants to learn to b independent and not rely on me anymore. She still says she loves me and will not do anyting with anyone else while we are apart like this, but... who knows what that love will change into, and who knows what she will do once she is done with this period of introspection. Either way, I just... I just am sore now. Numb. Frostbite is setting in. Maybe I will be able to make something out of this, but... damnit. damnit damnit damnit. We were so close to living together again. We were so close to being happy again. I was really going to marry her, she would have been perfect for the rest of my life. I only waited tis long because I was concerned this EXACT THING would happen. I was going to wait until she was as old as I was once we first started dating. I figured if we lasted that long... we could make it work.
LOLNOPE.
Maybe if I kept my mouth shut so she could think about this more, we would still be together. But I couldn't stand to wait, didn't want to have the knife twisting in my gut, worrying. I wanted to try to woo er all weekend, try to make her remember what I was like, what we had, and how awesome this place could be. But that got thrown out of the window, so now I am just stuck. Stuck and sad. Stuck and sad and stressed and some other adjective that begins with s.
Damnit.
Hey livejournal. Haven't used you in a while. Sometimes it's nice to post things where I know only a few will actually see it.
So Spaz broke up with me last friday, the 18th. I knew this was coming. I knew it was once we first started dating, just because when you're in your mid 20's, you go throug a period of introspection and solidude, trying to figure out wo you are again, like wen you were a teenager. I just didn't expect it to happen so quickly wit her, and definately not through someone else. Right before I ad everyting set up for us to live together again... all I needed to do was to find a place...
I know what my part in all of it was. I know that I got distracted, busy, and sometimes distant. Sometimes oru conversations were almost... obligatory, and repatative. Maybe if I took less time to get out, maybe if I got to Columbus sooner, or maybe if I never tried that open relationship. Who can say, maybe it would have happened sooner in that case, maybe not.
I feel the ice again, the winter I felt before. I thought that I could have fall, or spring. I let it get to be summer. The heat makes me think less, get tired and not move as much. Heat makes me think less clearly. But it feels nice and warm... but that heat is going away, and the bitter winds are coming back. This time I know what they feel like.Maybe good will come of it, maybe not. Right now, I am tired. I am hurt. I guess I will find a place on my own and learn to be alone. again.
But yeah. She want to worry less about me (seems counterproductive to do this with that goal...) Se wants to learn to do things on her own (in a place that seems to hold her back) She wants to learn to b independent and not rely on me anymore. She still says she loves me and will not do anyting with anyone else while we are apart like this, but... who knows what that love will change into, and who knows what she will do once she is done with this period of introspection. Either way, I just... I just am sore now. Numb. Frostbite is setting in. Maybe I will be able to make something out of this, but... damnit. damnit damnit damnit. We were so close to living together again. We were so close to being happy again. I was really going to marry her, she would have been perfect for the rest of my life. I only waited tis long because I was concerned this EXACT THING would happen. I was going to wait until she was as old as I was once we first started dating. I figured if we lasted that long... we could make it work.
LOLNOPE.
Maybe if I kept my mouth shut so she could think about this more, we would still be together. But I couldn't stand to wait, didn't want to have the knife twisting in my gut, worrying. I wanted to try to woo er all weekend, try to make her remember what I was like, what we had, and how awesome this place could be. But that got thrown out of the window, so now I am just stuck. Stuck and sad. Stuck and sad and stressed and some other adjective that begins with s.
Damnit.