I'm A Mess
I told my parents last night. I was so worried beforehand - I shook & cried for days. After some deep breaths and introduction-talking - I told them there'd be an addition to our family. They had all the normal feelings: shocked, dissapointed, offended, worried. All very controlled though. They both teared up, and we talked for a good hour about all that was planned so far, and what was to come.
The negative realities are setting in. It's not all about onezies, baby names, and working a lot. Fuck my parents dreams - my dreams will have to take a backseat for this child. I gotta find a job and start working 20/30-hour weeks now. It'll only increase this Summer, which is also around the time Ashley will probably have to move in.
My parents are disappointed I didn't just use a condom. Ashley said she wouldn't do it if I did wear a condom. I almost feel unlucky that it happened my first time ever - yet she managed to fuck her ex every night for a year & a half with literally no consequence. Not even an STD. But me? I get a child and marriage at the age of 17. I'm not dissing her, I love her. But this is a lot. A lot.
I missed two exams today at school. Shit is downward spiraling - I honestly feel like a failure. But I have to smile for everyone. Ashley so the baby doesn't die, my parents because they're almost in equal pain, and there's no one else within 50 miles to mention. My little sister doesn't count.
Ashley & I keep fighting, and my anger is getting worse and worse. Things got so terrible to the point last night that I actually said, "ANDREW WAS RIGHT, YOU ARE A BITCH, GO DIE!" I'm so sorry. She'll never accept my apology. And I'm gunna marry her? I'm not saying I don't want to, but fuck.
I can't take this shit. I am officially a mess.