It All Comes Together . . .
Life Changes:
Ashley went into the doctors today (Friday) where they administered the most exact test you could give for pregnancy - where they actually insert a camera, and the doctor can see on a screen whether there's anything there. Basically like an ultrasound, but slightly different. With papers to prove it- the results are...positive. I'm gunna be a father, she's gunna be a mother.
We're gunna do this together, regardless of what anyone can possibly tell me. Yes, she's done some fucked up things. But if she was reporting every little less-then-good thing I did on a livejournal on a daily basis - I'm not sure I'd look so great either. I've said some retarded shit. We've all done wrong things. I have to focus on the bright side of the spectrum, for real. This girl - now young woman - has literally changed her life for me. The things she does, the people she talks to, the way she presents herself. Yes, it's hard to forget who she was what seems like yesterday. But it shouldn't be so hard to see her for who she is today. She's come so far, and I'm honestly so proud. We've talked endlessly these last couple days about everything. I left twice, only to come back. This time things will be (and already are) different. She's done with lying just to please me or the moment itsself. She's sorry she ever did, to the point of crying over dinner tonight. That's a big thing. Part of the root of all these problems was her trying to front like she was somebody else. A less sensitive or smart version of herself. I see that fading rapidly, and I love it.
I'm not naiive to assume all is perfect - just correct to know its at least slowly climbing upward. Statistically 91% of guys flake out in pregnancy at this age. I will not join the bandwagon. I'm a good dude. I'm never cried this much, or given so much of a fuck about what parents might think, but this will pass. And if her mom continues to be the racist bitch she is, Ashley will live here. There's obstacles to cross before getting there, but that also be said about making a good-tasting breakfast. Cereal is cheating, feel me?
Music:
On a lighter note, I am so excited about these tracks I've been working on for my debut album. Honestly, I feel like I'm making hits. Almost every track is something I could hear on radio, and that's exactly how I want it to be. For real - y'all need to watch the fuck out when this drops. People underestimate those close to them, because they want their music artists to be far-out "I-can-feel-you-but-not-touch-you"/"larger-then-life" figures, but we all eat food, sleep, and go to the bathroom too. Even the 'stars'. Regardless, this album is gunna be crazy.
Today/The Wu-Tang Clan Concert:
Today itsself was great. Ashley's mother sent me possibly the most racist message I've ever read in my entire life, but I eventually cooled down & we had a great day.
Dinner before the show had frustratingly slow service, but was deliscious. The whole idea (this was the Richmond branch of Toads Place, btw) - was there's a restaurant connected to it, which...if you eat at it before the show...you get in 15 minutes early & beat the mile-long line. Between waiting for a table, and eventually being served - we got in like 40 minutes after the general doors opened. But it was all worth it. We still snaked around towards the front.
The actual club is nothing like the alcohol/piss-drenched New Haven Toad's Place. This shit was movie-esque. All clean, and huge. An indoor balcony. Huge stage. Visual monitors. 1,500 people dancing. Ashley got some post-morning morning sickness (nausea,) but we got through it. The DJ was live, the crowd was live, the opening act was literally 15 G'ed out Asian dudes (definently a sight) and the announcer for the night was entertaining.
Wu-Tang Clan hit stage around 11. I was texting my dad, letting him know they were coming on, and please be outside in about 90 mins. By the time I looked up, an eager Ghostface Killah was standing on the edge of the stage, grinning up to his eyes. Wearing that same white hoodie we'd seen him in last time - now with an added red leather jacket & matching hat. U-God, Masta Killa, Raekwon, the GZA, Inspectah Deck, and Cappadonna followed behind him gradually. Bring the Ruckus came on. The crowd jumped in unison.
GhostFACE, Catch the blast of a hype verse
My glock bursts, leave in a hearse, I DID worse
I come ROUGH - tough like an elephant TUSK
Your head RUSH - fly like Egyptian MUSK!
And the energy was lit for the night. The sound quality honestly was awful the first half or so - to the point of barely recognizing half the songs they were running through. Still though, they killed every trackthey did. No Method Man which was dissapointing, no RZA which was expected for this tour, and obviously no ODB since his death.
Those there still rocked it, but it honestly seemed a little empty/less recognizable on some songs. Meth was out for on some kind of 'family emergency' though, and had his hype-man Street Life cover most of his verses. Killah Priest also made an appearence for literally one verse. Making me wonder why they pay all the money to bring him on tour, if he doesn't actually perform more then two minutes. Hmm . . .
Great show overall though. I wanna see them again with the full line-up, lol.
School:
School honestly has become a concern. Today was supposed to be a snow day, yet it wound up being completely clear...I just didn't go regardless. I've probably missed like 10 days just this semester, none of them with a truly legit excuse. I was sad, tired, apathetic, or some combination. I know that's not responsible, but no longer is college really in my future, and Massaponax is a terrible school. The teachers could care less how you do. Honestly, I'm starting to let go of how much I care too.
In Old Saybrook I was getting consistently decent grades. Not fantastic, but mostly B's with some A's and the occasional C or two. Now its terrible. Between my abscences and just being overwhelmed by unneccessary amounts of homework - there's two or three classes I'll straight-up fail if I don't get in some makeup work by this upcoming week. I can't motivate myself to just sit down and do it either. Once I get home - school work is not what's up. Not that a whole lot else is, but that's just become such a negative part of my life. Getting up & going to a place where I'm virtually unknown, silent, and not all that successful. It's self-defeating. I will graduate though, I will not fail anything this year, except Math. They put me at a level of it I don't understand, and the one I need isn't available until next year. Next year it is.
Honestly, its such a headache though. I'm almost disgusted thinking about it right now. The tests I don't understand, the people I don't have the courage to talk to. I'm shy. I need a fast-forward button on this time shit.
Growing Up:
I realize with all this going on though, I've got to grow up some more. I don't consider myself an immature person - but father-material? I'm still being fathered.
Like I said, I want to start pointing out Ashley's positive attributes instead of the negative. I want to hold down a job that gives more hours, and hopefully hourly wage, then KB Toys did, (they're now shutting down.) I wanna grind as hard as I can with this music shit, and see if its seriously the financially-supportive career I've always dreamed & considered it to potentially be. I wanna cool my anger, and stop verbally lashing out everytime Ashley or my parents do something I consider stupid. I used to be such a calmer person. Honestly, I think its built-up stress.
- Better job
- Go official with my music
- Look for only the good in Ashley
- Chill out
That's definently a good start. On a longer-term plan, I also wanna clean up my vocabulary before the baby comes. Its gotten to a point where 'fuck' or 'bitch' is said all too much. Not trying to pass those traits on.
- - -
And Until Next Time . . .
I Gotta Get Some Sleep