Age parts 5-6

[the_night_thief]

| Part 1:  http://the-night-thief.livejournal.com/10897.html |

***
Of course, some days Donghae is older. But not that old. He's an adult, well and through, but he does, on the rare occasion act more like a child in the middle of a tantrum than the good-natured grown-up he's become. For the most part, Donghae knows what to say, and he knows when to say it. But with age comes responsibility. And while no one seems to have noticed yet, this Donghae isn't as foolish as the others. He is more skeptic, more aware of his surroundings. Aliens and monsters from the closets and beds no longer exist. And with that loss of childhood innocence, Donghae is beginning to lose sight of his dreams as well.

Hyukjae may know Donghae like the back of his hand, inside and out, but this age swing hits him hard. Every time. The knowledge that the person he loves is slowly giving up is never easy, but for Hyukjae to know that it is Donghae that is giving up, it is like a taboo.

***

A hand rakes through short brown hair. It’s been a couple months since he cut his hair for their new album, but Hyukjae still misses his Sorry, Sorry concept; the crimson had been a nice, welcome change from the browns and blacks. Not only that, but Hyukjae misses the way Donghae would look at him, passion shining bright in his eyes, the way Donghae would yank him to the side when no one was looking and kiss him hard, mouth moving, firm and urgent against his own, the way, at the end of the day, they would curl up on Hyukjae’s or Donghae’s bed and cuddle, arms slung over waists, legs tangled together, and Donghae’s lips pressing feather-light kisses against the crown of Hyukjae’s head.

It still happens, on occasion, the touching and the impromptu kisses, but it’s not as often as before, and it lacks that passion that Hyukjae had always loved. And that is how Hyukjae knows something is wrong with Donghae.

Scratch that, Hyukjae thinks as he shuffles into the room he’s currently sharing with Donghae. Something is seriously wrong with Donghae.

The younger male is hunched over his desk, scribbling furiously on a sheet of lined paper. He stops every few seconds and taps at the desk surface to a rhythm that only he can hear before the scribbles resume. Donghae is so into whatever he’s doing that he doesn’t notice Hyukjae’s entrance.

A half smile quirks at Hyukjae’s lips and he eases the door shut. Moving over to stand behind Donghae, Hyukjae looks over his shoulder and reads over the short musical score that Donghae has been working on.

"There’s an extra note in that measure," Hyukjae murmurs, finger tapping at the note in question.

Donghae blinks, startled, and stares at the offening beat. After a moment, fingers tapping that same unknown rhythm, Donghae erases the beat and writes out a new one. Then he resumes work on the part he’d left off, moving speedily through the melody line.

Hyukjae, somewhat miffed by the lack of response -- Donghae could have at least said hello, he thinks -- moves over to Donghae’s bed where he stretches across the sheets. Reaching out, he grabs Donghae’s Nemo plushie and squooshes the face inward, taking out the day’s frustrations on the stuffed fish.

A few minutes -- hours? -- later, a body curls next to Hyukjae. A hand finds his own, fingers twining around his as a bare arm slides over Hyukjae’s waist, pulling him snug against a warm body. Hyukjae hums in content and brings the hand to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss to the apendage.

Donghae sighs, nuzzling into Hyukjae’s hair; it’s obvious that Donghae misses the longer strands as much as Hyukjae does, but neither say anything, and for several long moments, the room lapses into silence.

Then, muffled, comes: "I hate him."

Hyukjae, who is walking the fine edge of sleep, blinks muzzily, head lifting slightly as he gropes his way back to wakefulness. "You what?"

"I hate him." Donghae buries his face against Hyukjae’s neck and exhales in annoyance.

Hyukjae squirms, heat rising in his cheeks as he shoots back into total awareness. "I see," is all Hyukjae can say, because he has absolutely no idea who Donghae is talking about. Contrary to popular belief, Hyukjae can’t read Donghae’s mind any more than he can read Kyuhyun’s or Heechul’s. It only appears that he knows what Donghae is thinking because they’ve spent so much time together -- over ten years now. The truth is that Hyukjae simply knows Donghae well enough by this point to guess what he may be thinking and, more often than not, Hyukjae happens to guess the or near to the truth.

"Hanky- Hangeng." Donghae says after a moment, clarifying his previous statement.

"Oh." Then it clicks. "Oh..." Hyukjae twists his head to look at Donghae and, upon failing, he grunts, turning his entire body around in the other male’s arms. This new position isn’t much better than the other, because while Hyukjae can see Donghae’s face -- and kiss him, but that is entirely irrelevant -- his arm, the one with the hand holding Donghae’s, is twisted at an unnatural angle beneath his body. And it is completely uncomfortable. That, and his legs are beginning to cramp up, and it kind of hurts.

"Yeah," Donghae says, voice muted. "I hate him, Hyukkie."

Hyukjae blinks, opens his mouth to ask why, exactly, Donghae hates their hyung and ex-bandmate when Hyukjae catches the expression flashing in Donghae’s eyes. His mouth shuts with a quiet but audible snap.

Donghae takes his free hand and begins tugging it through Hyukjae’s hair, combing the gell free from the dark strands. Hyukjae lets him because, for one, he’s learned that Donghae has to have something to do while he’s thinking -- dancing, tapping, humming, something. It helps him conecentrate and focus his thoughts. And second.... Well, it feels great, and Hyukjae is only human.

"Heechul loved him."

"I loved him, Hyukkie."

The words are murmured, a litany as soft as the breeze through tall grass, but agony is pain-stakingly etched into every single syllable.

"Heechul loved him. Hanky--" Donghae paused, then, uncertainly, he added, "Hangeng loved him back."

"I know," Hyukjae said with a slight nod.

"I loved him, Hyukkie," Heechul whispers, voice hoarse from all the hours he’s spent screaming.

It’s nearing one in the morning in Super Junior’s dorm room. All the lights have been shut off and a glow from the sapphire blue lights that Donghae has strung up in honor of Christmas and New Year’s decorates the upper dorm’s living room. The light reaches down the hallway to where Hyukjae is casually sprawled, legs reaching across the hallway, hands making shadow puppets along the walls.

The people in the dorm should be asleep, too, but Heechul has remained awake, though he did finally stop screaming and crying when Eeteuk and Hyukjae returned from Kiss the Radio an hour and a half before. Eeteuk, pleading exhaustion, gained the members a few hours of respite and Hyukjae, who’d had nothing better to do since Donghae had gone to bed early, exhausted from a taxing schedule, had perched in front of Heechul’s door, talking at his hyung like their wasn’t a door between them.

Heechul hadn’t talked back, merely choosing to listen, until Hyukjae mentioned that Henry would be coming back to Korea soon because Eeteuk had asked him for help on something.

Somehow, when Hyukjae spoke about Henry, Heechul linked something in what he said over to Hangeng. The rest, as they say, is history.

"I loved him. And he said he loved me, too," Heechul whispers. Hyukjae is tired of hearing those shell-shocked words, sick of his self-abusing hyung hiding away in his room while the word passes him by. But mostly, Huykjae wishes Hankyung -- no, that Hangeng -- could see all the pain he’s causing their -- his -- diva.

"I loved him, Hyukjae, and he left me. Why did he leave me?"

"It wasn’t his fault, Heechul--" Hyukjae tries for the upteenth time to explain that Hangeng was sick and that if he’d pushed on with the group for too much longer, his body would have given out. Instead of Hangeng suing the company and going home to China to be a solo artist, he would have been shipped back home in a casket to be the main event at a funeral, but Heechul isn’t listening anymore.

"Was I not good enough?" Pain cracks Heechul’s voice and Hyukjae swallows hard because he doesn’t know how to answer. He doesn’t understand what he’s doing here, sitting outside Heechul’s door at one in the morning when he could and should be sleeping. They have a schedule in the morning that starts at the godforsaken hour of six, and Hyukjae still needs to take a shower before he can go to sleep. But this is Heechul, and even though Heechul wasn’t always the nicest hyung to Hyukjae, Heechul is still his hyung and bandmate, his brother in all but blood, and Heechul has always been there for Hyukjae, even if it was only as a silent support.

It is time for Hyukjae to repay that favor, finally.

But what Heechul says next stops Hyukjae in his tracks.

"Hyukjae, what am I doing here if he doesn’t want me?" Hyukjae can almost see Heechul’s inhuman grin, can hear it in the agony lacing Heechul’s words. "If he doesn’t want me, should I die? Will it make him happy? I just want him to be happy, Hyukkie."

"Hyung," Hyukjae whispers, voice trembling as he tries to keep himself from crying. "Please don’t say that. Please, please, please." He presses a hand against the door and it curls into a fist, nails chipping away at the paint as they drag along the surface of the door; some of the paint slivers bite at the sensitive skin under the edge of his nails, but Hyukjae ignores the pain it brings. "What would we do without you, Heechul? Where would we be? We love you so much."

Heechul doesn’t answer, and worry gnaws at Hyukjae’s heart.

"Hyung, please!" A frustrated sob claws its way free, startlingly loud in the silence of the hallway.

"But...I love him."

"I know," Hyukjae sighs. "I know you do."

After that, Heechul stops answering, and after thirty more minutes of silence, with the minute hand on the clock edging toward two in the morning, Hyukjae pushes himself up from the floor and sneaks out of the door. He forgoes his intended shower and skips striaght to bed in a failed attempt to sleep, as he lays awake for the next four hours. Hyukjae gets up twenty minutes before he normally does and takes a cold shower hoping that today will be the day that Heechul exits his room.

When he finally heads upstairs, meeting a weary Eeteuk in the lift, all it takes is one glance to confirm that Heechul is still holed away. But stepping through the upper dorm’s front door, Hyukjae nearly bursts into tears upon hearing the muffled sobs and sounds of things being thrown against the wall from Heechul’s room.

"So why did Hangeng leave?" Donghae’s expresison is forlorn, and Hyukjae presses their foreheads toegther, shaking his head slightly.

"He was sick, Donghae. You know that."

"Yeah," Donghae agrees, almost reluctantly. "But why did he leave us?" Hyukjae suddenly has the feeling that Donghae isn’t talking about Super Junior when he says us; he’s talking about Heechul.

Hyukjae sighs. Why is he always who’s asked to answer the questions with impossible answers?

"Think about it like this, Hae. You’re Heechul--"

"But I’m not Heechul," grumbles Donghae in mild annoyance.

"Pretend," Hyukjae grumbles. "Pretend that you’re Heechul and I’m Hangeng--"

"But you’re not Hangeng!" Donghae protests loudly, anger flickering in his eyes.

"Donghae, please." Hyukjae wills him to hush for a moment so he can explain. "Just listen, okay? Pretend." Donghae nods after a moment, reluctance obvious. Hyukjae can understand why he doens’t want to pretend, because there’s always that slim chance that, like Heechul and Hangeng, something will happen to them, too. Neither of them want to think of those consequences.

"So I’m Hangeng, you’re Heechul, and we’re in love." Donghae nods, because this is easy enough for him to relate to. "One day I get sick. Time passes and everyone else thinks I’m getting better, but I know that I’m not. It’s hard to breathe, especially when I’m running around on my schedule. I’m not eating right because food makes me sick. I get tired really easy, and I can’t even enjoy dancing anymore. At the end of every practice, I feel like collapsing and falling asleep, but I’m afraid I won’t wake up."

"Why didn’t you go to the hospital?" Eyes wide, Donghae clutches at Hyukjae. He’s so drawn into this hypothetical life of theirs that he’s forgotten this life belongs to his hyungs.

"I did go once, but after that I didn’t have any time."

"But why?!"

Hyukjae feels bad for riling Donghae up like this, but he presses on without hesitation. "Because the company won’t let me. Bad appearance in front of the press, and then the fans, too. I can’t take a huge break like Kyuhyun did after his accident. We’re established now and there’s so much for us to do, especially with a new album on the way."

"But then... Why are you leaving?" Donghae asks in confusion. . "You can stay here and get better. We could talk to the managers and--"

"With our schedules? That’s almost impossible. Especially if you consider I’ve been sick for several months and I’m not getting better. It’s getting worse."

"But you seem fine at schedules and when you’re dancing!"

"Yes, but I’m hiding this. Why would I want to worry everyone when we have so many more important things to concentrate on? We have an album coming out, promotions to do, photoshoots, dance routines to learn -- why add my sickness to that long list of worries?"

Donghae falls eerily silent. When he looks back at Hyukjae, he’s crying. "They made Hangeng leave?"

Hyukjae nods. "Yeah, kind of."

"But why?! He was one of us! How could we just let that happen?" Rage shines, bright and vicious, in Donghae’s eyes.

"He was a liability, "Hyukjae murmurs. He looks up at Donghae, a helpless expression on his face. "Do you think he wanted to leave? He may have been born and bred in China, but he was ours as much as we were his." Hyukjae’s free hand swipes across his eyes, rubbing away the traces of his tears.

Donghae stays quiet for a long moment and doesn’t look at Hyukjae until the tears areunder control. Inwardly, Hyukjae thanks him; he’s always hated crying in front of people. Finally he says, voice muffled but laced with annoyed confusion, "But he was ours, Hyuk. Hangeng was ours."

Hyukjae sighs. "Think of it like this, Hae. I’m Hangeng and you’re Heechul again, okay?" Donghae nods, albeit a bit stubbornly. "Good. Now, I’m sick and I think I’m dying--" a gasp that Hyukjae ignores, "--but I’m madly in love with someone and I don’t want to leave them or the people I’ve grown to love like my family." Hyukjae pauses to let the information sink in before continuing. "I have two options: I can stay here with the people I love, slowly wasting away until I’m unrecognizable or don’t have the strength to continue living, or I can file a lawsuit and try to break nmy contract so I can go home where I will heal and get healthy again."

Hyukjae looks up at Donghae whose eyes are wide , tears shining in the corners. Hyukjae reaches out, up, and brushes them away with his knuckles. "Would you rather I stay, Hae? Stay and die? Or do I leave and live?"

"Leave," chokes Donghae as he clutches to Hyukjae’s numb arm. "I can’t bear to think about you dying, Hyukkie..."

Hyukjae smiles, though it is a painful victory. "I thought so." Hyukjae presses a gentle kiss to Donghae’s cheek. "Hangeng thought so, too. So please, don’t think too poorly of him."

Donghae nods his head mutely and buries his face against Hyukjae’s neck. He inhales deeply then sighs, and Hyukjae can feel Donghae’s body shivering against his.

Guilt rises, and Hyukjae suddenly feels awful for making Donghae feel like this even though the younger male no longer seems to hate their hyung for his unavoidable actions.

"If it makes you feel any better, Hangeng said he would call this week," Hyukjae offers, awkwardly patting Donghae’s back.

Donghae pulls away, staring at Hyukjae with a doubtful expression. "You talked to Hangeng?"

Hyukjae nods. "I wanted to make sure he was feeling better, so I call him a couple weeks ago. Now we swap our schedules and pick a time during the week to talk." A hesitant smile blooms on Donghae’s face when Hyukjae continues, "He’s real worried about everyone you know. How Teuk-hyung is taking the absence and how Kagin and Siwon are keeping everyone in line, whether Ryeowook is making sure everyone is eating and whether Yesung is making sure Wook eats as well." A smile tugs at Hyukjae’s lips as well. "He says he watches us on the tv all the time and that we’re getting a little too obvious, but that the fans are eating it up."

This makes Donghae laugh. And laugh. And laugh. When Donghae quiets down, he turns to look at Hyukjae and he looks better than he has in weeks, the laughter bringing color back to his cheeks. "Did he..." And the hope is there, all but visible in Donghae’s eyes. "Did he ask about Heechul?"

"Heechul is the first person he asks about." Hyukjae can’t resist the urge to ruffle Donghae’s hair, as if he were a little kid. "He may be miles away, but he’s still Hangeng, and he still loves Heechul with everything he has."

Donghae leans into the affectionate touch, whining quietly when Hyukjae pulls away.

Hyukjae just grins -- then hisses in pain as he shifts back to his original position. Needles prick at his arm, seeminlgy below the skin, as the blood rushes back into the limb, and his leg, which had cramped into position, immediately stages a riot of the most violent degree.

"Don’t laugh!" Hyukjae hisses as he tries to rub the feeling back into his arm. It’s not working.

Donghae bites down hard on his lower lip, but his eyes are laughing and Hyukjae is not amused at all. When he deems the arm salvagable (clarified: he can move it and make a fist), Hyukjae firmly turns away and settles down, eyes closed. Donghae doens’t get it at first, but when Hyukjae doesn’t respond to his gently prodding and a shake of the shoulder, Donghae begins to pout.

"Hyukkie~" Donghae whines in Hyukjae’s ear and it takes all his resolve not to crumb then and there. Donghae gives when that tactic fails and tries several others, each ending in the same sort of failure. Hyukjae continues pretending to sleep. Or ignore Donghae. Whichever he could be counted as doing.

After a short while, however, Donghae gives up and curls agianst Hyukjae’s back, face pressed against the older male’s head and neck. Donghae inhales quietly, grinning, and Hyukjae can feel the curve against his neck. When Donghae exhales, he presses a kiss to the tender flesh there. "I love you, Hyukkie."

Hyukjae smiles and lets himself drift.

A while later, he is brought back by muffled speech. He's been turned back around, and his arm is once again pinned at an angle that his body disagrees with, though his legs are, thankfully, tangle-free. "Hyukkie, I’m writing a song." There are sounds from outside, the honking of horns as people load onto the streets to head to work, sellers shouting their wares, and the gentle sound of water from a bathroom on the floor above. Hyukjae isn’t sure whether he’s slept or not, because he’s so hyperaware of Donghae’s presence that he honestly doesn’t know. But since he is awake and Donghae hasn’t tried anything for a good while, he hums in reply. "And I have most of the melody down now, but I need some help." Another hum. "I need words."

Hyukjae groans, because he’s so close to falling asleep, and now he has to wake up enough again to reply. "Words," Hyukjae repeats.

"Words," Donghae confirms, fingers rubbing against Hyukjae’s scalp as he pulls them through the older male’s short dark brown hair. "I need words, Hyukkie." Hyukjae hums again; he’s so close to drifting back off, and Donghae’s words float out to him through a fog of muted technicolor. "Hyukkie will you write my words for me?"

So close, and yet so far. "Yes, Hae. I’ll write your words."

Donghae grins, and even though Hyukjae doesn’t have his eyes open to see it, he knows, because happiness is oozing off of Donghae in a manner that Hyukjae imagines radiation to be like -- invisible, but infectious. "It’ll be like our baby, Hyuk," Donghae says, even though Hyukjae doesn’t quite know what the other is talking about anymore. He’s agreed to write the words to Donghae’s composition; what else did the agreement entail? Donghae is still talking when Hyukjae tunes back in. "--called A Short Journey for now, but it’s really a goodbye song. You know, like a goodbye to Kibum and Kangin. Hangeng, too. At least, that’s how I keep hearing it, so maybe we should call it that instead. What do you think, Hyuk?"

Hyukjae feels lucky that he caught that last bit. "I like A Short Journey, Hae. But maybe it could be both. How about you decide when I finish the lyrics?"

"Okay," Donghae agrees immediately. He’s quiet for a bit longer, perhaps thinking on this song of his, and Hyukjae is back in that muted rainbowy haze, and he’s so, so close to dozing off when he lips brush the shell of his ear. "I love you, Hyukjae."

"I love you, too Donghae," Hyukjae says, a sleepy smile gracing his lips. He wriggles back into the warmth that is Donghae’s arms. His own arm is pleasantly numb beneath him, fingers still laced with Donghae’s, and his legs have either cramped to the point that they no longer hurt or they, too, are numb. But Hyukjae doesn’t mind, because Donghae seems to be back to his normal self, and that is all Hyukjae really wants.

Hyukjae is easing back into that lovely dream-like state of muzzy incoherence when he feels a gentle breath on his face. He decides right then and there that Donghae has impecable timing. But then lips press to his, and Hyukjae can feel the smile against his mouth, can taste the joy and the passion as those lips move against his in a way that Hyukjae hasn’t felt in close to a month, and all at once, Hyukjae is wide awake and he is not surprised that, when he opens his eyes, Donghae’s face looms in front of his own, mere inches away.

"I’m not going to sleep right now, am I?" Hyukjae asks, though it is more of a statement than a question.

Donghae merely grins in a way that should look innocent but doesn’t, a familiar twinkle sparking life back into his wide brown eyes. "I was thinking of something...else we could do, Hyuk."

Hyukjae’s eyebrow rises against his will as he stares up at Donghae. "Something else?" A smirk tugs at his lips and he twists his body around, pinning Donghae beneath him.

"Weren’t you just sleeping?" Donghae asks increduously.

"I was," Hyukjae agrees, nose rubbing against the crook of Donghae’s neck. "But you woke me up. Continuously. And now that I’m awake, you’re going to have to make it worth my while." Hyukjae presses down against Donghae, rolling his hips in a way that leaves Donghae groaning and gasping for air. "Think you can do that, Donghae?"

Then the tables turn, and Hyukjae yelps in a not-quite manly way as Donghae flips them back over, face flushed a bright crimson, grinning like a cat with a saucer of cream. "What do you think?"

Hyukjae huffs his exasperation, even as a grin flickers across his lips, just a crooked as Donghae’s. Instead of answering, he tugs Donghae down for another kiss, a hand snaking beneath Donghae’s thin shirt. Fingers tweak at one of Donghae’s nipples, eliciting a muffled squeak, as Hyukjae presses kisses along Donghae’s collarbone. "I think...you know exactly what I think."

***

Sometimes though, sometimes Donghae is ancient. He's so old he's forgotten what it's like to be young and stupid and reckless. In exchange for the loss of youth, he is smart, wise. But his smiles don't reach his eyes and he can't remember what laughter sounds like. Love is a foreign concept. After all, why should anyone love him when he's incapable of loving anyone other than himself? So Donghae hides how broken he is, and he's so good at it that no one ever notices.

And it's this age that Hyukjae both fears and hates the most, because he knows that all it takes is a single misstep for Donghae to grow up into...that. And, more than anything has ever done before, that thought terrifies him. They have been together for so long now -- the six years in Super Junior, plus the many years spent as trainees just struggling to debut -- that Hyukjae simply cannot imagine life without Donghae. Life without the sunshine smiles and the infectious laughter and the utter lack of regard for personal space, without the vulnerabilty and the childishness and those damn impossible questions, it's just impossible. Because no matter what Hyukjae does, whether he’s trying or not, when Hyukjae closes his eyes and looks at himself in five, ten, fifteen years....

***

Hyukjae raises his hand to stifle a yawn as he shuffles down the stairs to the lower dorm, a sleepy but entirely pleased smile curling his lips. He’s just finished a lesson in Mandarin with Henry and Ryeowook, who had, in essence, given him another crash course to the new language by refusing to speak to him until he’d voiced his opinion or inquiry in Chinese. Then they had corrected him and demanded he repeat himself -- properly this time -- before they would reply. Their replies, of course, were in Mandarin, which often left Hyukjae feeling stupider than when he first asked. And when Yesung, who had been lurking in one of the corners with his turtles for the majority of the lesson, began picking up the words and talking to the three of them (with little correction on Henry’s or Ryeowook’s part) Hyukjae had known it was time to call it a night.

And right before he had left the upper dorm, doing his utmost best not to snap at Yesung for being quicker to pick up the Mandarin -- although, a small part of Hyukjae reasons, perhaps the reason Yesung has picked it up so quickly is because he misses Ryeowook just as much as I missed Donghae, and knowing Mandarin is another way for them to talk, or for Yesung to understand, while Ryeowook is overseas promoting -- Hyukjae recieves a call from their manager. They don’t talk long, as their manager has only called to tell Hyukjae that there is no need to get ready for Kiss The Radio that night because Shindong and Heechul would be covering for both him and Eeteuk -- he because of the additions to his schedule and Eeteuk...because the leader hadn’t felt the best lately, and even the management was beginning to worry.

Hyukjae pushes open the door to the lower dorm and, mindful of the time because it is almost midnight, steps inside, pressing the door shut behind him. Siwon is sitting on the couch, Eeteuk sprawled across his lap, a damp cloth covering the upper half of the leader’s face. Siwon’s head jerks when Hyukjae moves toward the hallway and, perhaps reflexively, he twists to face Hyukjae, a finger brought to his lips in a silent reminder to be quiet. Hyukjae merely flashes the younger male a thumbs up before moving on down the hall toward the bathroom because, after hanging out in Yesung and Ryeowook’s room, which somehow managed to smell like a mix of turtles, earth and vanilla, on top of several hours of dance practice, Hyukjae really needed a shower.

Hyukjae presses the bathroom door shut and strips down to the skin as he turns the shower on as hot as it will go. It won’t get too hot, he knows, because he is the last person to shower and there’s probably not much hot water left in the tank, but he plans to take advantage of what little hot water there is left by using it to unknot the muscles in his back while he scrubs away the sweat and earthy-Yesung-and-vanilla-Ryeowook scent that has lingered since his departure from their room.

Somewhere between scrubbing away the stain of sweat from his skin and rubbing his strawberry shampoo into his hair, Hyukjae thinks of Donghae, which isn’t all that odd, because Donghae is always somewhere in Hyukjae’s mind, just as Hyukjae knows he’s always in Donghae. Somewhere. But Hyukjae thinks of Donghae, how tired Donghae has seemed lately, how distracted he’s been, even while they kiss, but how passionate and fierce he remains while they dance to Perfection.

Suddenly the lukewarm water is scalding hot against his skin, and there is a warmth pooling in Hyukjae’s gut. Hyukjae grits his teeth, biting back what could have been be a moan and reaches down, Donghae’s name on his lips.

When he is done, pressed against the back of the stall and breathing hard, the water is a biting cold, reminding him that he is absolutely exhausted and that, for the first time in a long time, he’s allowed to go to bed. Early.

A wide grin tugs at his weary features as Hyukjae extracts himself from the shower. He grabs a towel from the cupboard by the sink, only absently acknowledging that it’s Donghae’s, before he wipes the excess water from his body. He leaves the bathroom a couple minutes later, towel slung low on his hips, clothing piled under his arm as his still-damp hair drips chilly droplets across his shoulders and down his back. The grin is still firmly etched into his face as he pads down the dark hall to the room he now shares with Eeteuk.

A small part of Hyukjae feels bad for feeling so childishly relieved at not having to host Kiss The Radio that night, especially with the knowledge that it’s really because Eetuek has been so stressed out lately that even their management is worrying. But Hyukjae can’t help but be grateful anyway, because with Hyukjae’s and Sungmin’s addition into Super Junior M, his schedule has all but doubled within the past couple weeks. And with all the extra practice Hyukjae is putting into learning and memorizing Mandarin (Henry and Ryeowook and even Siwon can attest to this) so that he isn’t the only one at the variety shows who doesn’t know what the hell is going on -- because Sungmin harassed Kyuhyun into helping him, and then Zhou Mi took pity on the maknae and decided to help coach as well, and Sungmin quickly excelled from the combined efforts, leaving Hyukjae behind in the dust -- Hyukjae hasn’t gotten much more than a couple hours of sleep per night. Now, headed to bed at the unheard hour of shortly-after-midnight, he’s almost assured a grand total of six solid hours of sleep before he has to wake up and get to his semi-early schedule.

At least, it’s assured until he reaches for the doorknob of the room he shares with Eeteuk only to hear a muffled voice emitting from the other side.

A quick glance over his shoulder to the now darkened living room confirms that someone, no doubt Siwon, is still sitting on the couch, and Hyukjae doesn’t doubt that Eeteuk is with him, still laying in Siwon’s lap just as he was when Hyukjae returned half an hour ago. The two have gotten closer in Kangin’s absence, he’s noted. Siwon took over as the appa of the group and he took care of Eeteuk, almost proudly, while nudging the other members back into their routine when Eeteuk no longer had the energy or stamina to do so himself.

But if Eeteuk was in the other room with Siwon, then who was in their bedroom...?

Donghae.

The name and realization hits Hyukjae like a freight train, and he almost staggers away from the door, a blush rising quickly to his cheeks. He hurries to straighten his -- Donghae’s -- towel and reaches out to open the door when Donghae says something, then pauses, then chuckles almost too low to be heard.

It sounds like Donghae’s on the phone, with the way he’s speaking, the pausing, as if for another’s input, because it’s not the same off-beat self-conversations that Hyukjae is used to overhearing. Those are loud and boisterous -- granted, it is past midnight, but something about the way Donghae laughs is off. Hyukjae arches a brow and inches closer to the door, listening carefully to the conversation from the other side.

"--sound mean, but it’s almost as if he’s trying to replace him. I know, it sounds silly, but think about it. Kangin wasn’t the oldest, but he was easily the strongest, and everyone listened to him, even Kyuhyun. Eeteuk was umma and Kangin was appa, and the two of them were strong where the other was weak and they cancelled each other out."

Donghae makes a sound of frustration, and Hyukjae pictures him sprawled across the bed, feet kicking angrily every so often, hand making a somewhat rude gesture.

"Siwon’s nice, but it’s just not the same. He’s trying hard to be exactly what hyung needs, and he’s doing what he can to take the load off of him, and Eeteuk really does need it, but it’s not the same. Kangin had our respect; he was bigger, older, stronger. Siwon tries to use intimidation and godly influence to get us to listen. But we don’t."

"Obviously," Hyukjae whispers, a half grin tugging at his lips.

"Obviously," Donghae unknowingly echoes, grumbling in exasperation.

Hyukjae’s grin widens ever so slightly.

"He can’t threaten me with something that doesn’t scare me. Same with the others." Donghae falls silent then, as if his momentary anger and frustration has run out. When he speaks again a few minutes later, the edge of frustration is creeping back into his voice. "Eeteuk loved Kangin. Probably still does love Kangin. Cause when you love someone, you give them a piece of your heart, and even if you don’t end up loving them forever, they will always have that piece of your heart." Donghae doesn’t miss a beat before adding, "Hyukjae’ll always have a piece of my heart."

Hyukjae sags against the wall next to the door, a wide grin splitting his lips. He’s seconds from crying, the tears prickling like needles at the back of his eyelids, but he can’t help but feel estatic -- with Donghae’s words tucked away deep in his heart, Hyukjae feels like the luckiest man in the world.

Hyukjae tunes back in just in time to catch the end of Donghae’s next sentence, "--but Teukkie-hyung is next." Hyukjae blinks, abruptly sobering when he recognizes the conversation, the one thing Donghae won’t talk about, even with him. "Our leader goes next, then Heechul-hyung. They might even go together to support each other. Considering that it’s Heechul and Eeteuk, I wouldn’t be surprised. And if everything goes well, Kangin-hyung’ll be back the year after they leave. Yesung’ll try to wait and match his schedule with Ryeowook’s, but the company will probably make him go the year Kangin returns, cause they can’t risk having two of our lead singers out at the same time."

Hyukjae nods slightly to himself, because it makes plenty of sense. There’s a good chance that they won’t want Sungmin, Hyukjae, and Donghae to leave at the same time either because Shindong will still be out when they leave, and the three of them will be out when Siwon, Ryeowook, and possibly even Kibum are scheduled to serve.

"I probably won’t even get to serve my time with Hyukkie, you know?" Donghae’s speaking is matter-of-fact. "Because I’m one of the main dancers, and Hyukjae is the main dancer, so we can’t both be out while Shindong is, because he’s a dancer, too. Hyuk and Shindong usually cover the rapping, with Heechul and I stepping in occasionally. And I can’t be out while Sungmin is out, and Ryeowook shouldn’t leave until after Sungmin and I return, because we’re main singers, maybe not as much as Ryeowook or Kyuhyun or Yesung, but still up there. And when Ryeowook and Kyuhyun are both gone, they’ll probably split everyone else up into sub groups to hold the fans over."

"If they renew our contract," Hyukjae mumbles.

Donghae’s thinking along that same line, because he coughs, the sound strangled. When he speaks again, his voice is muffled with a wisdom that Donghae honestly shouldn’t know, a wisdom and hopelessness beyond his years. "If we even last that long. Most groups disband after five years or so. Super Junior is still going strong, but how much longer will this last?"

Hyukjae swallows hard, but he can’t bring himself to move because he knows that if he goes in now, Donghae will clam up and he won’t talk again.

The Donghae’s talking again, and his voice isn’t quite as dull. It’s sharper, tinged with annoyance, but far more vibrant than it was before. "But Hangeng, I guess he’s pretty lucky. Now that he’s back in China he doesn’t have to go into the military for the mandatory two years." Another low chuckle. Hyukjae hears the bitterness in Donghae’s words, and it tugs at his heart. He can see Donghae now, stretched out across the bed, Hyukjae’s bed, with his legs kicked over the side and his arms crossed firmly over his chest in a sign of disapproval. Hyukjae can even see the not-quite-smile that drags at Donghae’s lips, because he knows that though Donghae may sound angry or annoyed at Hangeng for leaving, deep inside he’s just as proud as Hyukjae is.

"Heechul still misses him. Misses him something fierce. But Hangeng called him a couple weeks ago, and they’re talking now. So it’s a start, right?"

"Hankyung."

Heechul is startled, Hyukjae thinks, blinking as he peeks around the edge of the kitchen door. Heechul is stunned, because Hangeng called, exactly like he said he would, and Heechul hadn’t expected Hangeng to keep his word.

"I.... I’m fine." A hesitant smile curls at Heehcul’s lips, and he rubs at his arm with his free hand. The sleeve of the hoodie Heechul is wearing, because it’s snowing otuside and the dorms are freezing, slids down, and Hyukjae can see thin, off-white scars adorning the wrist, like bracelets. Heechul’s smile wavers, his thumb brushing a scar. "Well, I wasn’t fine, but I am now."

There is a loud sound of protest from the other end of the line.

The Hangeng that Hyukjae remembers doesn’t yell, but this one does, appearantly. Even Heechul looks surprised by this new-found information.

"Really, Geng." The smiles widers ever so slowly, and Heechul piches his voice lower, moving down the hall toward his bedroom. "I’m fine now, it’s okay. I missed you though, Chinaman. What they hell did you think you were doing, running off like that? You never taught anyone to cook your Beijing Friend Rice!" And then Heechul is laughing, and Hyukjae thinks Hangeng is laughing, and the door to Heechul’s room opens and shuts, leaving Hyukjae in the ringing silence of the kitchen.

He sneaks back downstairs without bothering to grab the package of ramen he’d gone upstairs to steal back from Donghae, a massive smile firmly etched into the lines of his face.

Donghae sighs, and his fingers are tapping a staccatto beat against the wall by Hyukjae’s bed; Hyukjae can hear it clearly all the way through the door. "But it’s never that simple for anyone else." Hyukjae blinks, pressing back against the door.

"I’ve known since the beginning, since the very first moment that Super Junior met Kyuhyun, back when he joined us and we started work on our single ‘U’, that Sungmin liked the maknae. And Kyuhyun, for all of his snarky wit and comments, liked Sungmin back."

Hyukjae finds himself nodding.

Donghae may have the maturity level of a five-year-old half of the time, but he is one of the most intuitive people that Hyukjae has ever met, including Kibum, the same self-assured brat who enjoyed making a betting game out of the things he observed early-on in Super Junior’s career. In fact, Kibum was the one who said, even from the beginning, that Super Junior would last much longer than normal K-pop groups. He was also the one that said Heechul and Hangeng would hook up. And....that Donghae and Hyukjae would....

A blush rushes to Hyukjae’s cheeks, and he wills away the uncomfortable reminder of Kibum’s watchful gaze.

"Donghae’s my best friend, Hyukjae. He’s my best friend and I love him more than he’ll ever realize or know." Bitterness flashes. "I would do anything to make him happy."

"I know--"

"But Donghae isn’t like you or me. He’s not..the same." Frustration laces Kibum’s words. "He’s different. He lives in his own little world half of the time, and when he isn’t, he’s got the mentality and exhuberence of a little kid. You have to remember that just because he looks as old as you and me doesn’t mean he really is." Hyukjae nods and Kibum continues: "I won’t always be here, and I know I won’t be here when he needs me the most. So you have to take care of him Hyukjae. Promise me."

And while Hyukjae doesn’t always understand Kibum, he understands this. "I promise, Kibum."

"The fans call them KyuMin, and they’ve been doing it for years, since the beginning when management told everyone to start the skinship for the fans. But now that Sungmin’s been put in Super Junior M, it’s like nothing can seperate them." Donghae sighs in exasperation. "I mean, back when Hangeng was still here, before they shuffled Hyukkie and Sungmin into the subgroup, Kyuhyun would hang with Zhou Mi and when he was with the main group, he’d hang with Sungmin. And with everything all seperated out, things would perfectly. But now that Sungmin’s in the same group as Zhou Mi, everything’s gotten so complicated!"

There is a harsh cracking sound, almost like something breaking, and Donghae hisses out from between clentched teeth. Hyukjae’s hand throbs in sympathy at his side.

Donghae continues on his verbal rampage without further regard to his hand, which may or may not be broken. "Do they not see how hard it is for Zhou Mi to keep a smile on his face, or has he gotten that good at hiding it away? I mean, he goes out more often than we do, and he has less of a schedule than most of the other members, but even I’ve noticed that his smile is strained at the corners. Am I the only one to notice? Or am I just the only one who cares?"

"Cause it’s so obvious Zhou Mi likes Kyuhyun, and Sungmin likes Kyuhyun, too, and Kyuhyun -- he’s practically a genius, but he’s so stupid sometimes, because he has no idea!"

"Kyuhyun is leading him on," Donghae whispers. "He doesn’t mean to, but he’s leading Zhou Mi on while, at the same time, he’s hurting Henry because Henry loves Mi, and Mi only has eyes for Kyuhyun, though I really don’t understand why, and the whole thing is one giant mess that, when it’s all over, no one is going to win."

"And you remember when you asked if I liked Henry? Well, I do, like a brother though, and he’s the same way, so I was the first one he came to when he realized he liked Zhou Mi."

"No one will ever realize just how close the fans got when they started calling Zhou Mi ‘Gentleman Mimi’." Donghae chuckles, low and bitter. "I’ve seen the way Sungmin watches Mi when he thinks no one is looking. Minnie wouldn’t mind adding another person to their nightly trysts, I’m sure, but Zhou Mi would never agree, because he doesn’t believe in that sort of thing. For him, it’s too close to cheating. And with Henry there, silently watching the entire thing unfold... He knows he’ll never have a real chance with Zhou Mi, but he loves the idiot anyway, and I just... It’s a mess," Donghae finishes quietly.

"And they’re not the only ones."

The outright agony in Donghae’s voice yanks at Hyukjae’s heart, and he knows now that whatever else Donghae is going to say, Hyukjae doesn’t want to hear. Whatever comes next will hurt him, maybe kill him, but Hyukjae can’t find the strength to pull himself away. Instead, he stands there, body shaking with silent tremors as Donghae continues, "Hyukjae.... I don’t even know what to do any more. What I’m doing now isn’t right. It’s not fair to him anymore, and I want to stop hurting him. And I don’t know any better way to stop myself from hurting him."

Hyukjae comes back to himself with the sudden realization that he’s crying. He touches his wet cheek, drawing his hand away in surprise. As he becomes more aware, there is a fierce, throbbing ache in his chest, and Hyukjae grips the area over his heart, fingers digging into skin. A part of him wonders in a vague, detatched way, Is this what a broken heart feels like?

"Sometimes I wonder..." Donghae pauses, and even though thinking hurts, Hyukjae can imagine him frowning at the ceiling, fingers no longer tapping their staccatto beat as he gathers his thoughts. "Sometimes I wonder whether I should just leave him. I mean, I’m so...me. I’m childish all the time, and when I’m not, I’m always asking all these stupid questions, and he’s got to be getting tired of answering me. Hyukjae deserves so much better than me, and I want him to be happy..." Something else is whispered, but Hyukjae misses it because he’s twisting the knob and pushing open the door so fast that he doesn’t realize what he’s done until he sees Donghae’s bewildered expression staring back at him.

"Donghae," Hyukjae whispers, voice breaking on the second syllable. Tears stream down his cheeks, but he pays them no mind, his attention locked solely on the figure perched at the edge of his bed, a stuffed fish toy pressed between his two hands. "Donghae, you’re leaving me?"

Donghae blinks at Hyukjae’s entrance, startled, then his face crumbles and he pushes away from the bed, rushing to Hyukjae’s side. Fingers trace the tear tracks, a palm wipes away at some of the wetness left behind, a pair of lips press reassurance on every inch of available skin.

"Hyukkie, Hyukkie, Hyukkie, please don’t cry. You’re too beautiful to cry, so what are you doing crying?" Donghae repeats the first phrase, voice dropping into a whisper. "Hyukkie, please don’t cry."

But Hyukjae is already crying, and now that the tears have started coming, there is no way for them to be stopped. Instead, Hyukjae clings to Donghae’s shoulders, face pressed into the crook of the younger’s neck, bawling as if the world is coming to an end. Donghae merely closes his eyes and sighs, carefully pulling Hyukjae into the room where he shuts the door so that the two of them at least have a semblence of privacy.

When the tears finally dry away, all that is left is anger and the underlying presence of devastation. Donghae lets go of Hyukjae and sits there and Hyukjae his fist into Donghae’s chest -- once, twice, three times. It almost seems as if Hyukjae will hit him once more, but his fist quavers at the last moment before it drops, limp, at Hyukjae’s side.

"Why are you leaving me, Donghae?"

"He was sick, Donghae. You know that."

"Yeah. But why did he leave us?"

Donghae doesn’t look at him, and Hyukjae’s heart breaks.

"Are you...are you tired of me? Did I do something? Did I say something?" Hyukjae feels his mouth dry up, and he struggles to swallow. "Do you not love me any more?"

"No!" Donghae shouts. He blinks, lowering his voice. "No, Hyukkie. I love you. I just... I keep doing this. I keep hurting you by doing things like this, and I hate myself for hurting you."

"Idiot!" Hyukjae snaps reflexively, punching him once more in the chest.

Donghae wheezes, because he hadn’t expected the action, and he stares at Hyukjae in surprise.

"I don’t care if you hurt me. Love hurts sometimes. But I love you, and you love me, and sometimes some things need to be sacrificed so that ends can meet. Nothing’s perfect in the beginning because we have to work to achieve it. We have to work together. And it takes work, Donghae. Everything good in this world takes work. But I’m willing to work for it if you’re here with me."

Tears gather in Donghae’s eyes. "Why do you even put up with me?" Donghae finally asks in a shocked whisper. He looks so devastated, so utterly broken that it hits Hyukjae like a physical blow and it takes him a long moment to remember the importance of breathing.

"Because I love you," Hyukjae finally says, curling against the other’s chest. "Because you promised that you were mine and I was yours, and that nothing would ever change that. You promised."

Donghae smiles, and Hyukjae can see the faint flicker of the sunshine smile that he’s come to miss so greatly these past couple months. "Then let me tell you what you didn’t hear," Donghae murmurs, pressing a kiss to to corner of Hyukjae’s lips. "Hyukjae deserves so much better than me, and I want him to be happy, but I’m too selfish to give him up because I love him."

Hyukjae’s heart hammers against his ribs and his breath hitches before he’s crying again. This time, however, they’re tears of something similar to joy, and Donghae pulls him close, pressing gentle, sweet reassurances across the skin of Hyukjae’s face. His thumb suddenly finds Hyukjae’s jaw and pauses there, rubbing softly. When Hyukjae looks back up, the remnants of tears stuck in the corners of his eyes, Donghae leans down and presses their lips together once more.

And though Hyukjae can taste salt on Donghae’s lips, this kiss is the sweetest thing he can remember. Even though Hyukjae knows the road will be rough -- they are popstars under the same company, after all -- he knows everything will be okay.

***

Love is a dark, nasty, twisting road crawling and choked with heartache and heartbreak, a road with only a faint glimmer of light in the distance.

But Hyukjae isn’t worried.

Because no matter what Hyukjae does, whether he’s trying to or not, when Hyukjae closes his eyes and looks at himself in five, ten, fifteen years...

Donghae is the person at Hyukjae's side.