Age! Updates and excerpts and shizz.
So I realized that I didn’t have to make anything new for the Bonamana contest SubterraneanTV on DA is holding. How so? I’m going to finish up Age (which I’ve been working on for almost two whole months now, excluding time spent prepping for finals). Of course, my goal is to have Age posted here and on DeviantArt by the 16th, which is my birthday, so I’ll have to finish it amazingly soon so I can give it to my awesome beta reader we-are-the-sound. Although I might need a new beta after I send it to her, because we’ve been playing a dangerous game lately, Sound and I, and sshe might not be in a position to read anything for a while.
See, we give each other excerpts of our respective stories and we joke about how we hate cliffhangers and how the excerpts are amazing and whyisn’tthatstorydoneyet?! Yeah, well. *edgy grin* My one-shot is about 28 pages long right now. Probably 10k words. 28 long pages of EunHae, KyuMin, QMi, KyuMiMin, HanChul, fluff, angst, drama, tragedy, and borderline smut.
Sound has approximately 3 pages, not including various scenes that she’s written (because it’s often easier to write things out of order, we’ve learned ^^) and while I have yet to beta-read it, I know she’s nowhere near done with hers. I’m now writing the 6th and final part of Age, and I have plans to post it, beta’d or not, on the 16th of this month. Coincidentally my birthday.
So back to Sound’s and my game. I’m going to finish before her, and then I’m going to blow her mind. And all you smexual innuendo people -- keep your giggles to yourself. .... Or comment with them, because that is kinda funny. Anyway, her mind will be blown.
A little background info, in case anyone wants to know a bit about Age.
Age can quickly and painlessly be summarized by this quote, which is credited to Jack Benny and Satchel Paige: "Age is strickly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter." Which, in and of itself, both gives the theme and the paradox of the story. It’s written in Hyukjae’s point of view and in present tense, which I did a challenge to myself because I figured Age would be maybe 10 pages long and that sort of challenge would be fun. Well, it was fun. Is fun. I’ve enjoyed it. But the fact that the story will end up being about 35 pages long is definitely not as amusing.
In any case, the main characters of Age are Donghae and Hyukjae, and each part -- there are six of them -- features specific people as the secondary major characters. Each part also, following the theme of age being relevant, features Donghae as a specific mental age. I mean, we’ve all seen him acting like a little kid and acting like a teenage brat and an adult and even (however rarely) acting like he’s tired of everything. So each part also features a set age and a specific event and his response, in that age, to the event. And the events are taken from throughout Super Junior’s (and the subgroups) careers.
Obviously, one of tthem is Bonamana, as I’m allowed to use the fic for the contest. :3
I have put a large amount of research into this, but there are things that even research won’t tell me, or that research lies about, so keep in mind this is all fan-written-fiction. I’m only human and I get things wrong. I write as I see, and it may not always be exactly what you see, so keep an open mind. :3 Thank you.
And now, because I’m feeling particlarly vicious..... An excerpt from each part! :D
1.
"Why did dad leave me?"
Hyukjae’s breath catches in his throat, sharp and bitter and oh-so painful, and for a moment he feels nauseous enough to vomit up what little he’d eaten that day for dinner. Then that moment of bile rising in his throat is gone, and Hyukjae can breathe again. Not that it’s any easier than it was before.
"What do you mean, why did he leave you?"
Donghae stops humming, tapping, curling his toes, blinking, breathing. He stares at Hyukjae, face devoid of emotion. "I mean, why did he leave me? Why’d he leave mom an’ me an’ Dongwha? Doesn’t he love us?"
And Hyukjae’s heart just stops.
How in the world is he supposed to answer a question like that?
It takes Hyukjae a long moment to gather his thoughts and words into something that can even be considered a semblance of coherence, and even then,with Donghae watching him with those large brown eyes, the eyes of a child, of an animal caught in the slaugher house, wide and all-knowing, Hyukjae nearly loses his nerve.
2.
"Close your eyes." Only when Donghae complies does Hyukjae continue. "Imagine yourself right now. Are they by your side?"
"Well, yeah." There’s a note of exasperation to Donghae’s voice, and Hyukjae can’t help but grin.
"So imagine yourself...five years from now. Are they still by your side?"
"Yes," Donghae replies without hesitation.
"Ten years from now?"
"Ten years," Donghae confirms.
"What about fifteen?"
"Fifteen, too." Donghae opens his eyes, turning his head to watch Hyukjae, calm amusement etched across his features. "Hyukjae, they’re the only person I can see myself with. Ever."
"Then you’re in love," Hyukjae says with a slight shrug of his shoulders, grin frimly in place. "Whoever it is, she‘ll be happy to have you by her side. So," Hyukjae waves a hand with a laugh that Donghae doesn’t return,"who’s the lucky girl?"
Silence. Complete and utter.
Donghae stops moving, fingers frozen in midair, breath caught in his lungs. There is an emotion that Hyukjae cannot place -- grief, regret, sorrow, hurt -- that flashes across Donghae’s face, but then it is gone and Donghae is pulling himself upright. "There’s not."
3.
It takes a couple minutes to get upstairs without spilling the steaming ramen all over himself or the floor, but he does eventually manage it. Closing the door to the dorm with his hip, Hyukjae shuffles down the hallway toward the room Donghae and Eeteuk share. Hyukjae does not worry about Eeteuk being asleep as he kicks at the door with his foot, because Eeteuk is out drinking with Kangin and Yesung, and Hyukjae doesn’t expect for them to back for another hour or so. "Donghae," Hyukjae says, nudging the door particularly with his socked foot when the original foot-knock brings him no attention from the male inside, "I know you’re awake, and I know you haven’t eaten recently. Get up and let me in." Hyukjae is answered with silence, but he knows that Donghae has heard him.
A moment later, the door cracks open, and Donghae’s face, lined with the exhaustion that comes from lack of sleep, peers around the edge. "I’m not hungry."
"I don’t care," Hyukjae says simply, pushing the door with his foot before manuevering inside. "I made ramen. I made extra. You’re going to eat."
***
Hyukjae anxiously licks his lips, tries to distract himself from the situation by thinking of Kangin in a speedo, or something equally as awful, but the thought easily slips from his mind as he notices Dongahe watching him, or more specifically his tongue, with keen interest. When Donghae looks back up at him, their eyes meeting again, the smile has faded from his lips, and there is a sense of calm acceptance deep within his friend’s eyes. Hyukjae doesn’t know whether he should be happy that Donghae seems to be more at peace with himself, or to be worried about the raw emotion flitting in Donghae’s eyes.
"Hyukkie..." Donghae whispers, thumb brushing along the line of Hyukjae’s jaw.
4.
Hyukjae, sensing that he isn’t needed at the moment retreats over to a mirror-lined wall where he sits on the bench, watching in a casual and observatory silence as Donghae walks into the middle of the room, fumbling with his ipod the entire way. He is so jittery and full of nervous energy that he nearly drops the device twice before he finally finds the song he wants. And even though Donghae is halfway across the room, Hyukjae can hear the melody as if it were being played right next to him.
Watching Donghae dance never fails to excite Hyukjae, because while Hyukjae may be known as the "Dancing Machine" of both Super Junior and the entire K-pop industry, Donghae is the one who puts his entire sense of self into every single move he makes. Each step, pop, lock, thrust -- every single move -- is brimming with passion and an energy that Hyukjae envies.
Even now, especially now, as Donghae twists his body to the music -- a blaring, screaming song driven forward by a thrumming bass line and a rapid sucession of guitar chords -- Hyukjae cannot help but admire the passion behind each move, even if the passion is only inspired by the restless energy that comes from misplaced anger and stress. The strength behind the moves shakes the floor beneath Hyukjae’s feet.
Several long minutes pass in that very manner, with Donghae dancing out his frustations and agressions and Hyukjae watching with a sense of pride and joy.
Finally, perhaps half an hour later, in the middle of another guitar-driven song, Donghae finally falters. All it takes is a split second, and the brunette loses his concentration. Hyukjae watches as Donghae wavers, body quivering, then as his knees finally give way beneath him and Donghae collapses into an unmoving heap in the middle of the practice room floor.
The music dies a moment later.
5.
"I hate him." Donghae buries his face against Hyukjae’s neck and exhales in annoyance.
Hyukjae squirms, heat rising in his cheeks as he shoots back into total awareness. "I see," is all Hyukjae can say, because he has absolutely no idea who Donghae is talking about. Contrary to popular belief, Hyukjae can’t read Donghae’s mind any more than he can read Kyuhyun’s or Heechul’s. It only appears that he knows what Donghae is thinking because they’ve spent so much time together -- over ten years now. The truth is that Hyukjae simply knows Donghae well enough by this point to guess what he may be thinking and, more often than not, Hyukjae happens to guess the or near to the truth.
"Hanky- Hangeng." Donghae says after a moment, clarifying his previous statement.
"Oh." Then it clicks. "Oh..." Hyukjae twists his head to look at Donghae and, upon failing, he grunts, turning his entire body around in the other male’s arms. This new position isn’t much better than the other, because while Hyukjae can see Donghae’s face -- and kiss him, but that is entirely irrelevant -- his arm, the one with the hand holding Donghae’s, is twisted at an unnatural angle beneath his body. And it is completely uncomfortable. That, and his legs are beginning to cramp up, and it kind of hurts.
"Yeah," Donghae says, voice muted. "I hate him, Hyukkie."
Hyukjae blinks, opens his mouth to ask why, exactly, Donghae hates their hyung and ex-bandmate when Hyukjae catches the expression flashing in Donghae’s eyes. His mouth shuts with a quiet but audible snap.
Donghae takes his free hand and begins tugging it through Hyukjae’s hair, combing the gell free from the dark strands. Hyukjae lets him because, for one, he’s learned that Donghae has to have something to do while he’s thinking -- dancing, tapping, humming, something. It helps him conecentrate and focus his thoughts. And second.... Well, it feels great, and Hyukjae is only human.
"Heechul loved him."
***
"Hyukjae, what am I doing here if he doesn’t want me?" Hyukjae can almost see Heechul’s inhuman grin, can hear it in the agony lacing Heechul’s words. "If he doesn’t want me, should I die? Will it make him happy? I just want him to be happy, Hyukkie."
"Hyung," Hyukjae whispers, voice trembling as he tries to keep himself from crying. "Please don’t say that. Please, please, please." He presses a hand against the door and it curls into a fist, nails chipping away at the paint as they drag along the surface of the door; some of the paint slivers bite at the sensitive skin under the edge of his nails, but Hyukjae ignores the pain it brings. "What would we do without you, Heechul? Where would we be? We love you so much."
Heechul doesn’t answer, and worry gnaws at Hyukjae’s heart.
6.
Hyukjae knows it’s not Eeteuk, because Eeteuk had collapsed on the couch next to Siwon several hours ago after complaing of nausea, vertigo, and those weird lines that linger on the edge of your vision like ghostly afterimages when you move, usually resulting from severe exhaustion, and when Hyukjae came upstairs after practicing his part of the dance routine for the subgroup’s single Perfection, Eeteuk was still sprawled across the couch, his head placed carefully in Siwon’s lap. Siwon had even looked up as Hyukjae had walked in, placing a finger to his lips in a silent plee for Hyukjae to be quiet.
***
Hyukjae comes back to himself with the sudden realization that he’s crying. He touches his wet cheek, drawing his hand away in surprise. As he becomes more aware, there is a fierce, throbbing ache in his chest, and Hyukjae grips the area over his heart, fingers digging into both cloth and skin. A part of him wonders in a vague, detatched way, Is this what a broken heart feels like?
"Sometimes I wonder..." Dongahe pauses, and even though thinking hurts, Hyukjae can imagine him frowning at the ceiling, fingers no longer tapping their staccatto beat as he gathers his thoughts. "Sometimes I wonder whether I should just leave him. I mean, I’m so...me. I’m childish all the time, and when I’m not, I’m always asking all these stupid questions, and he’s got to be getting tired of answering me. Hyukjae deserves so much better than me, and I want him to be happy..." Something else is whispered, but Hyukjae misses it because he’s twisting the knob and pushing open the door so fast that he doesn’t realize what he’s done until he sees Donghae’s bewildered expression staring back at him.
"Donghae," Hyukjae whispers, voice breaking on the second syllable. Tears stream down his cheeks, but he pays them no mind, his attention locked solely on the figure perched at the edge of his bed, a stuffed fish toy pressed between his two hands. "Donghae, you’re leaving me?"
Donghae blinks at Hyukjae’s entrance, startled, then his face crumbles and he pushes away from the bed, rushing to Hyukjae’s side. Fingers trace the tear tracks, a palm wipes away at some of the wetness left behind, a pair of lips press reassurance on every inch of available skin.