(no subject)
I've just had an epiphany. I don't just mean a really good idea. I mean an actual epiphany. A sudden and inexplicable flood of unquestionable truth coming so quickly its origin and internal logic are obscured behind a blinding sense of perfection. The last piece slipping into a puzzle you never knew you were working on until the instant of its completion. God breathing sunshine through the back of your head. An epiphany. Standing in line with my frenchfries, the world cracked and lay open to my scrutiny, and I knew instantly that my path in this life was forever changed. Thus I am abandoning my study of literature and journalism. I will instead adopt a double major in law and martial arts, for I am destined to become the world's first ninja attorney.
Many of you may question this decision, but I am strong in my resolve, as any ninja and any decent lawyer must be, and I have seen the light. This is my true calling and I can no more run from it than the mighty hawk can escape its destiny to soar above the earth and devour woodland creatures. I will combine the litigative arts with the black arts, the power of chi with the power of attorney. I will be an unstopable amalgamation of all that is great and strong with the scales of justice in one hand and a shining katana in the other. Picture, if you will, the silent courtroom. The smug and knowing defendant speaks confidently to the judge and jury "Oh don't worry. My attorney will be here any minute." And just then the wide picture window explodes inward in a tumultuos shower of glass and a single black figure, black as the darkest corner of night, gyrating in midair with a savage and piercing cry. "HOYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" I will scream in ninja fury and then land in a half crouch upon the defense table. I will spring stealthly into my seat, straighten my utterly black neck tie and pop open the latches on my unbelievably black brief case, revealing it to be full of glinting pointy things from the Orient. "Proceed." My deep and rasping voice will cammand, and the judge will call order, quaking at the power of my presence. When cross examining, I will never speak. Ninjas don't have to speak. I will simply crouch atop the witness stand and stare coldly at my hapless victims through the slit in my preposterously black hood until the pressure of my ninja gaze finally makes them crack like walnuts in my fist. Then they will admit to every thing. They will confess to crimes that have never even been commited just to make me turn my ninja gaze elsewhere, and I will nimbly leap from the stand into a double backflip and land perfectly in my seat. If anyone ever questions my unorthodox legal strategy I will unleash upon them the power of mystical face breaky, and all complaints will fall silent. If I somehow lose a case, I will launch myelf into a savage ninja fury and kill everyone in the room, including my client. I don't know why. It is the way of the ninja. Either way, at the end of every case I will release a ninja smoke bomb and leap straight through the ceiling, leaving behind a stunned and amazed courtroom in a rain of falling plaster. "Where did he come from?" and "I never even got his name." will be whispered in awe. But I will be a man of endless wandering. A creature of infinite night. Tied to no one and nothing. Serving niether law firm nor dojo. Living only for the raw thrill of courtroom victory. It was clear to me in line with my frenchfries, and it is clear to me now, that my destiny is to become... ninja attorney.
Many of you may question this decision, but I am strong in my resolve, as any ninja and any decent lawyer must be, and I have seen the light. This is my true calling and I can no more run from it than the mighty hawk can escape its destiny to soar above the earth and devour woodland creatures. I will combine the litigative arts with the black arts, the power of chi with the power of attorney. I will be an unstopable amalgamation of all that is great and strong with the scales of justice in one hand and a shining katana in the other. Picture, if you will, the silent courtroom. The smug and knowing defendant speaks confidently to the judge and jury "Oh don't worry. My attorney will be here any minute." And just then the wide picture window explodes inward in a tumultuos shower of glass and a single black figure, black as the darkest corner of night, gyrating in midair with a savage and piercing cry. "HOYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" I will scream in ninja fury and then land in a half crouch upon the defense table. I will spring stealthly into my seat, straighten my utterly black neck tie and pop open the latches on my unbelievably black brief case, revealing it to be full of glinting pointy things from the Orient. "Proceed." My deep and rasping voice will cammand, and the judge will call order, quaking at the power of my presence. When cross examining, I will never speak. Ninjas don't have to speak. I will simply crouch atop the witness stand and stare coldly at my hapless victims through the slit in my preposterously black hood until the pressure of my ninja gaze finally makes them crack like walnuts in my fist. Then they will admit to every thing. They will confess to crimes that have never even been commited just to make me turn my ninja gaze elsewhere, and I will nimbly leap from the stand into a double backflip and land perfectly in my seat. If anyone ever questions my unorthodox legal strategy I will unleash upon them the power of mystical face breaky, and all complaints will fall silent. If I somehow lose a case, I will launch myelf into a savage ninja fury and kill everyone in the room, including my client. I don't know why. It is the way of the ninja. Either way, at the end of every case I will release a ninja smoke bomb and leap straight through the ceiling, leaving behind a stunned and amazed courtroom in a rain of falling plaster. "Where did he come from?" and "I never even got his name." will be whispered in awe. But I will be a man of endless wandering. A creature of infinite night. Tied to no one and nothing. Serving niether law firm nor dojo. Living only for the raw thrill of courtroom victory. It was clear to me in line with my frenchfries, and it is clear to me now, that my destiny is to become... ninja attorney.