I'm Just a Book Without an Ending...
Even though I'm not. My birthday is in exactly two weeks tomorrow, and I'm pretty sure we're not doing anything special, but still. Then again, it's probably bad we're not doing anything, 'cause of the whole 'sweet sixteen' deal, but I've never been one for crazy parties with tons of people either. Maybe I'll have to ask for tickets to Warped if there are anygood bands going (are there?) so I don't have to buy them myself, since I am severely lacking in the financial department of my life.
Everyone one keeps asking me what I want though, and I'm not sure what to tell them, because I can't tell the music, because with my luck (and my extended family's imcompetence) I'll tell them one thing, and get something totally different. Plus, I don't even know what to tell them. I can't think of any good bands I don't own already. Whatever. Maybe, I'll have to ake my dad if I can go into debt with him and buy myself a tablet. I have to ponder these things I suppose.
I need to get back into writing too, I just have like no motivation to actually sit down and write. Maybe then I can actually stop thinking about assasins/murderers and/or people killing themselves. (This is probably some sort of mental issue I have, seriously. It's on my mind constantly, and it's starting to become really weird.) Everythings just been crazy and just 'Blah'. I've been lacking motivation to do nearly everything, including school work, which will totally fuck up everything I ever want to do in the future, so I have no montivation and am totally stressing about that on top of it. I wish I could just sit down like a normal person, with actually fucking PRIORITIES and do the shit I'm suposed to do. That's probably one of the very few things I really hate about myself. My totally lack of straight priorites. I... I Just never want to do what i KNOW I'm supposed to be getting done, and I just don't know what I'm going to do when no college wants me because I was too fucking lazy to do my school work and show I know what I'm doing. My family doesn't have the money to not have scholarships, so I'll have no way to pay for it with out them, even if, for some reason I DID get accepted. I feel like I'm drowning in my own stupidity, honestly. I'm never going to get anywhere how I am, and all my dreams will have gone down the tube with the way I am, and I really, really dont' know how to fix myself. I just don't know. I don't know. I dont' know why any of my friends are even friends with me, really. ALL of my friends are good in school, they're smart, and awesome and amazing, and I'm just me, a suckish, lazy, unmotivates, compulsively lying asshole. I don't get it, Really I don't.
Sometimes, I just kind of feel like dying, or just disappearing for a long time, almost just to see if anyone really, actually misses me, not just 'Oh, we'll be sad for a little while, but get over it fast, because no one'll even notice she's gone' missing, but like actually mourning. I seriously doubt anyone would. I'm not much good to anyone, honestly. I'm just another lazy body taking up space. I've kind of felt like that for a while, I can't even remember how long, but it's been a while. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to try to fix myself. I want to try, I dont' want to be like this, but I dont' know what else to do.
xoxo
Billa.