Never Would Have meme
The other day I watched a terrific documentary called Made In America: Crips and Bloods. It began with a shot of L.A., but the image was upside down, so the buildings hung like stalactites. I realized that since the Earth is a ball floating in space, there is no up or down. The image of the "upside down" buildings is, in fact, reality, just from a perspective we don't usually have. It was a prettier way to see L.A. And before you ask: no, I wasn't smoking pot.
Now, on to the meme!
I never would have believed:
- That I'd have gone this long without eating meat. I really expected that at some point I'd be overwhelmed by cravings or circumstances and find myself tearing gruesomely into a carcase. I also thought I might absent-mindedly eat meat at some conference or event where they provide food. Again, I guess I am sometimes aware of what I'm doing. Or at least of what I'm putting in my mouth.
- That I'd have been with one partner for sixteen years. It just seems to unlike me. And I'm not making his life miserable. Also a bit of a mind-blower. This is the second entry that uses words that make me think of oral sex.
- That I'd have a job that paid me this well. I'm at the bottom of the pay grade, but it's still more money than I've ever had in my life. Today I ate breakfast at a diner, just because I felt like it and could afford to. So much of my life had been controlled by money, this feels like some sort of dream. A related surprise is that I actually see paying off my student loans as feasible. I've thought of all kinds of ways to get rid of them, from faking my death to resorting to strategic applications of explosive. But actually just being able to pay them never seemed likely. I'm actually looking forward to making the payments, and when it's all gone I will have a huge freakin party.
- That I'm not an alcoholic. I really expected it would have happened by now. I guess I always saw it as something that would jump up and bite me. I've been drunk. I've been hungover. But most of the time I'd rather eat a bag of chips than have booze. I guess my addiction is really salty and crunchy food.
- That I'd have kept friends for so long. I have friends here that I've known continuously for over a decade now. I don't think of myself as someone who is good at friendship, so having friends is a pleasant surprise.
- That I'd have learned to manage my depressions. On the one hand, I'm damn lucky that my depressions are cyclical, and that the cycles are now fairly short. I've learned some coping mechanisms for waiting them our and some ways to do things to reduce how dark they go. It's been years since I had a depression do deep it made me consider suicide. For a while, back in the 90s and the 2000s, it seemed like it was happening all the time. Of course I haven't done anything to manage my manic phases. I like them the way they are. They help me get shit done. If anything, I'd like to increase their frequency.
- That I'd feel so good about my body. I'm aging, and some things aren't so great, but overall, like the damn thing. I often think about how well it works and appreciate that. I can life heavy things and walk long distances. I like to dress it up and take it out. I feel sexy in it.
- That I'd have achieved such a feeling of competency. Today, for example, a c-worker asked me to be involved in a project, and asked if I could work on a particular document and do a particular task. I said yes, and didn't once worry I would screw it up. I just knew it was doable, given my skills. Having a track record of having done certain things has provided me with a kind of self-esteem that's almost not reflexive. I'm liking it.
- That I'd be out of school and not missing it. I liked school. I was great at it. My grades are awesome. I loved the structure and the routine. But I'm also enjoying being free, because there were some things about it that were annoying. Like the pointless red tape. There are times I wonder if I ever want to work as a prof because it would mean returning to that system.
- That I'd come to love living in Toronto so much. I hated it here when I first moved. But now I love my neighbourhood and I love my apartment. I love the people here. I love the resources. I love the anonymity of the city. I love the variety.