Debate is so unbelievably awesome, yet somehow manages to blow.

Oct 18, 2005 21:02

This was supposed to be the year. It seems every time I get so close, I somehow manage to fail. I've always though that I was the best lder on the squad. I don't know if I'm sure about that anymore. I don't know every big round that I manage to lose, I think that I really won. 4th round of Reno novice year which gave Sydney the Berkeley spot, 3rd round at N. Valleys which gave Sydney the 2nd spot on the team, districts last year against max, and finally final round against Sydney. Could the judges possibly have been wrong all of those rounds? I'd llike to think so, but I don't know. I expect so much out of myself that when something like this happens I get crushed. But I spent all of last year waiting in the wings, waiting for Katie to leave so I could take over the program. I give up up an hour of my time everyday to teach the novices, I spent two weeks this summer at debate camp (and was 3rd in my lab). I should have a TOC bid right now, not be sitting at home realizing that I don't get to go to Whitman and for the 2nd year in a row I'm the 3rd lder on the squad. Who can I blame though? I got my round with Sydney with a judge. What more can I ask for in league? I don't know if I'll ever be able to give Anthony the same respect, even though I should have realized he would vote more on speaking style than on the flow itself. Foster had no other choice, and Sydney isn't going to give up her spot, and I would do the exact same thing in her position. It just sucks to place all your time and effort on one thing and then come so close and just fail. I just wish I got more respect from the team. I am positive that I could do better at Whitman than Max or Syndey, I am positive that I will do better and both Santa Clara and Berkeley than Max or Sydney, I don't know if the team is. Somehow it's not enough that I went 5-3 at Berkeley while Rachel Brisol went 2-6. Foster said that somehow I managed to prove myself at this tournament and that just pisses me off. I have nothing to be proud of from LD at this last tournament. I will not be happy with being the 2nd or 3rd lder on the squad, EVER. It means nothing to come close, only to win. It freaking pisses me off to no avail. I am so ready to just screw league debate all together. The whole situation just blows. Just be aware that I am a man on a mission. I am going to own Santa Clara, I am going to bid at Stanford and Berkeley. I will earn respect.
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