I'm selfish.
I'm on Fall Break right now. I don't have to go back to school until Thursday at 4 pm for my World Lit 1 test, and then I don't go back until Monday. So far, it's been okay, I guess. Saturday was good. Mom and I went to Bill's, and I got to play with Alyson and Kaylie a bit. Alyson becomes more sociable all the time, and Kaylie's hair has more curls.
Kaila and I. Well, we don't really get to talk much anymore. I mean, we talk every night during the week (she usually calls me before she goes to bed for 15-30 minutes), she'll text me on the weekend (ever since school started for her, she's spent the weekend at her friend's house), and usually calls me on Sunday when she gets home. So, we did get to talk more today than we have in weeks, I think. I keep telling her that she may as well move in with her friend because she's always with her. Am I jealous? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe. All I know is that I miss her, and it's been an adjustment that I'm still working through. It kind of worries me, because eventually I'm going to have to get used to it, and so will she (if she hasn't already)... and I just worry that we'll develop a distance between us (as if we need more, right?). I've told myself that there are two possible outcomes to this: 1) we'll become extremely distant, or 2) absence will make the heart grow fonder(er). I added an extra 'er' to that, because hi, our situation already sucks and has sucked for almost five years. I don't know. I guess my point in complaining about it is that when she calls me to tell me she's not going to be home, I get short with her (usually, but not ALL the time, as now I don't expect her to be home anymore), and I, myself, make my own mood decline. Actually, nevermind, I don't know why I'm complaining about this. It's not like it's a surprise or anything. We both knew that when we both started school, this would happen. I guess I just figured she'd at least spare one night here and there on the weekend for us. But to do what?, I know. Our options are limited. Very limited. And before this whole, not-talking-much thing began, we both felt that we had no options when 'spending time with eachother.' So, maybe in that sense, this is very good for us. Maybe if and whenever we DO get time with each other, our options will seem fresh. To her, at least. I'm quite ready for our limited options. In fact, I'm desperate to RP with her. I spent all of today (well, Sunday) reading RPs that we've done in the past. I miss all of that.
And also, I'm aware that there are sometimes good reasons for her not being home. Personal reasons that she deals with, and I understand that. Which kind of makes me feel guilty for being selfish in that sense. But I don't know. I'm not even explaining myself correctly.
I just miss her. I've always missed her, and it seems that life keeps creating new ways for me to do so. But if this is our only problem--my only problem--right now, then I'm okay. I'm definitely okay.
I have a take-home math test to do before next Monday, an American History essay/short paper to do before next Tuesday, and a psychology essay on the movie The Awakenings to do sometime "in two weeks," I think she said. I feel underwhelmed and overwhelmed at the same time. Sigh.
Kaila and I. Well, we don't really get to talk much anymore. I mean, we talk every night during the week (she usually calls me before she goes to bed for 15-30 minutes), she'll text me on the weekend (ever since school started for her, she's spent the weekend at her friend's house), and usually calls me on Sunday when she gets home. So, we did get to talk more today than we have in weeks, I think. I keep telling her that she may as well move in with her friend because she's always with her. Am I jealous? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe. All I know is that I miss her, and it's been an adjustment that I'm still working through. It kind of worries me, because eventually I'm going to have to get used to it, and so will she (if she hasn't already)... and I just worry that we'll develop a distance between us (as if we need more, right?). I've told myself that there are two possible outcomes to this: 1) we'll become extremely distant, or 2) absence will make the heart grow fonder(er). I added an extra 'er' to that, because hi, our situation already sucks and has sucked for almost five years. I don't know. I guess my point in complaining about it is that when she calls me to tell me she's not going to be home, I get short with her (usually, but not ALL the time, as now I don't expect her to be home anymore), and I, myself, make my own mood decline. Actually, nevermind, I don't know why I'm complaining about this. It's not like it's a surprise or anything. We both knew that when we both started school, this would happen. I guess I just figured she'd at least spare one night here and there on the weekend for us. But to do what?, I know. Our options are limited. Very limited. And before this whole, not-talking-much thing began, we both felt that we had no options when 'spending time with eachother.' So, maybe in that sense, this is very good for us. Maybe if and whenever we DO get time with each other, our options will seem fresh. To her, at least. I'm quite ready for our limited options. In fact, I'm desperate to RP with her. I spent all of today (well, Sunday) reading RPs that we've done in the past. I miss all of that.
And also, I'm aware that there are sometimes good reasons for her not being home. Personal reasons that she deals with, and I understand that. Which kind of makes me feel guilty for being selfish in that sense. But I don't know. I'm not even explaining myself correctly.
I just miss her. I've always missed her, and it seems that life keeps creating new ways for me to do so. But if this is our only problem--my only problem--right now, then I'm okay. I'm definitely okay.
I have a take-home math test to do before next Monday, an American History essay/short paper to do before next Tuesday, and a psychology essay on the movie The Awakenings to do sometime "in two weeks," I think she said. I feel underwhelmed and overwhelmed at the same time. Sigh.