A quick late update.
Where to start. A lot has happened and the interactions between the things are so complex as to make speaking topically a bit difficult. In addition some things have happened that seem to fit in no-where (such as Girl A's familiar-type-thing trying to track me down and other such things, or a bunch of dead and dying crickets showing up all over the place, or things still showing up in the space between sleep and dreams, or God giving me some words for my X-Girlfriend), but most of these secondary things have little importance to the overall flow of things and so I will pretty much have to ignore them for sake of coherence.
The first big thing happened on Sunday night. A customer tried to push me into doing something at work that I wasn't supposed to do and I fell apart. And I did it in front of the co-worker who had been upset about Girl A and I, who had also threatened me if I were to go to work when she was there. This was distressing partially because it had the potential to get me fired. The real reason it was so distressing was because I had not realized that I was so tired. In the talk that happened afterward the coworker told me that Girl A had told her boyfriend that I had a crush on her, that it hadn't been the co-worker who had told him. This upped my stress level a lot, why would she tell him something like that considering how he had been before in terms of cutting off contact against all threats? The other thing that had happened was that I looked "forward" and saw that he was going to try to make her do it again. I didn't know what the results would be, but I was worried now not only for her sake but also for my own. I had seen this earlier and had decided to try to tell her to make the decision that would protect herself, as opposed to worrying about me, but now hearing that she had been so casual about causing problems made it look like she was just using me to get attention (something that multiple people had suggested was happening). I didn't sleep well that night and on Monday (October 1st) I tried talking to her about it after work. There was yelling and lies, she didn't take my request that there be something that I could use to prove that things were different well. I didn't even get to talk to her about what I had really wanted to talk to her about, making sure that she knew that she didn't have to worry about leaving me behind if the choice came to that but that she should do what was best for herself. Later on I went home and had a party/get-together with some of my friends, despite how depressed I was. And then I got a call from the grocery store saying that I was supposed to have gone to work on Sunday night and that I was in big trouble for not showing and not calling in. I hadn't known I was supposed to work, my schedule hadn't changed for as long as I had kept checking it and my co-workers told me that their schedules were pretty much always the same. I couldn't have gone in if I had wanted to, my other job had me till almost midnight on sunday and then starting at 8am on monday which would have made working from 10pm to 7am impossible for multiple reasons (my horrible lack of sleep being made worse was only one of them). When my alarm went off for jail prayer I ended up just going out into my car and crying because I realized that, even if I had wanted to go (which I kinda did and kinda didn't) I didn't have the strength to do so. My friends were still there for me however they could, especially my one friend the cook, but I still went to bed feeling horrible.
The next morning I was still feeling horrible about everything, especially the idea that I might be so unimportant and lowly that someone I cared for might think of me as nothing but "someone who gives her attention and who can be used to manipulate her boyfriend" or the fact that it was more important to me to be sure that she would be taken care of even despite how it might affect me. I know I need to care more about myself, but most often I just don't know how and other things seem more important. I prayed to God for strength, even though I was too messed up to really even hear him, and went on with my day. Within about an hour I was ok and even though I wasn't able to hear as clearly as I sometimes do I did have my answer. God told me to not worry, that he would take care of me and that I should just do good and let Him be concerned with taking care of me. Things went a lot better when I was able to talk to Girl A again and I was able to tell her what I had wanted to say before. She didn't seem to understand that anything might happen at all and almost seemed insulted by the idea that anything might happen, but at least things were calmed down and I was ok with how things were.
The next day (wensday the 3d) the only things of importance happened was at church. First, God clarified some things with me about how life and how to live it, second I found out that one of my friends from church was having some problems from taking some bad medication and so I started praying for her and sending some extra energy her way.
The next morning I had the dream referred to in my last post, that screwed me up for most of the day. And then I got a series of texts from Girl A, who was sick in bed. Then I went to work overnight. The next morning, before I went home to bed, I stopped by the fast-food place on my way home and saw Girl A. She looked bad and obviously was only barely feeling up to work. I tried to do what I could to help her feel better, but I wasn't able to get through. After a couple attempts it became clear that her barriers were preventing me from doing much for her. At that I decided to go home and worry about it later, since my only other option would be to break through her defenses. Earlier, on the 26th (sunday) I had found that my X-girlfriend was feeling better after I had prayed for her, and then this sunday (october 7th) I found out that the woman from church that I had sent energy to was feeling better as well. Then, during the service, a guy started having seizures. Apparently there was a bundle in his brain that was doing a feedback loop, though it wasn't particularly hard to fix. After that he started fainting and I went back in to take care of the thing that had triggered the seizure and then tried making him faint when its old tool was gone. All of this seemed to remind me that I could do good. But the question I had was why I couldn't get through to Girl A. I talked with her about it later that day. I had mentioned that I wanted to ask her something and she suggested that I come see her at work. After she got out of work we ended up talking and walking right up to the point when I had to leave for Prison (I'm a volunteer chaplain). It was fun, but mostly I learned a lot about how she cared for me. It also became clear that the reason why I wasn't able to help her, despite being able to help others, is that she was still blocking me out. She makes a noise like she is loud and brash, but there are times when it is easy to see just how timid she actually is. It isn't like I can say much, I use bravado at times to hide the fact that I can be so overwhelmed that I can barely see myself amid the confusion. Even so, it makes me sad to know that I can't help her in that way, especially since there are things so much bigger than "a cold" that I wish I could help her with.
The first big thing happened on Sunday night. A customer tried to push me into doing something at work that I wasn't supposed to do and I fell apart. And I did it in front of the co-worker who had been upset about Girl A and I, who had also threatened me if I were to go to work when she was there. This was distressing partially because it had the potential to get me fired. The real reason it was so distressing was because I had not realized that I was so tired. In the talk that happened afterward the coworker told me that Girl A had told her boyfriend that I had a crush on her, that it hadn't been the co-worker who had told him. This upped my stress level a lot, why would she tell him something like that considering how he had been before in terms of cutting off contact against all threats? The other thing that had happened was that I looked "forward" and saw that he was going to try to make her do it again. I didn't know what the results would be, but I was worried now not only for her sake but also for my own. I had seen this earlier and had decided to try to tell her to make the decision that would protect herself, as opposed to worrying about me, but now hearing that she had been so casual about causing problems made it look like she was just using me to get attention (something that multiple people had suggested was happening). I didn't sleep well that night and on Monday (October 1st) I tried talking to her about it after work. There was yelling and lies, she didn't take my request that there be something that I could use to prove that things were different well. I didn't even get to talk to her about what I had really wanted to talk to her about, making sure that she knew that she didn't have to worry about leaving me behind if the choice came to that but that she should do what was best for herself. Later on I went home and had a party/get-together with some of my friends, despite how depressed I was. And then I got a call from the grocery store saying that I was supposed to have gone to work on Sunday night and that I was in big trouble for not showing and not calling in. I hadn't known I was supposed to work, my schedule hadn't changed for as long as I had kept checking it and my co-workers told me that their schedules were pretty much always the same. I couldn't have gone in if I had wanted to, my other job had me till almost midnight on sunday and then starting at 8am on monday which would have made working from 10pm to 7am impossible for multiple reasons (my horrible lack of sleep being made worse was only one of them). When my alarm went off for jail prayer I ended up just going out into my car and crying because I realized that, even if I had wanted to go (which I kinda did and kinda didn't) I didn't have the strength to do so. My friends were still there for me however they could, especially my one friend the cook, but I still went to bed feeling horrible.
The next morning I was still feeling horrible about everything, especially the idea that I might be so unimportant and lowly that someone I cared for might think of me as nothing but "someone who gives her attention and who can be used to manipulate her boyfriend" or the fact that it was more important to me to be sure that she would be taken care of even despite how it might affect me. I know I need to care more about myself, but most often I just don't know how and other things seem more important. I prayed to God for strength, even though I was too messed up to really even hear him, and went on with my day. Within about an hour I was ok and even though I wasn't able to hear as clearly as I sometimes do I did have my answer. God told me to not worry, that he would take care of me and that I should just do good and let Him be concerned with taking care of me. Things went a lot better when I was able to talk to Girl A again and I was able to tell her what I had wanted to say before. She didn't seem to understand that anything might happen at all and almost seemed insulted by the idea that anything might happen, but at least things were calmed down and I was ok with how things were.
The next day (wensday the 3d) the only things of importance happened was at church. First, God clarified some things with me about how life and how to live it, second I found out that one of my friends from church was having some problems from taking some bad medication and so I started praying for her and sending some extra energy her way.
The next morning I had the dream referred to in my last post, that screwed me up for most of the day. And then I got a series of texts from Girl A, who was sick in bed. Then I went to work overnight. The next morning, before I went home to bed, I stopped by the fast-food place on my way home and saw Girl A. She looked bad and obviously was only barely feeling up to work. I tried to do what I could to help her feel better, but I wasn't able to get through. After a couple attempts it became clear that her barriers were preventing me from doing much for her. At that I decided to go home and worry about it later, since my only other option would be to break through her defenses. Earlier, on the 26th (sunday) I had found that my X-girlfriend was feeling better after I had prayed for her, and then this sunday (october 7th) I found out that the woman from church that I had sent energy to was feeling better as well. Then, during the service, a guy started having seizures. Apparently there was a bundle in his brain that was doing a feedback loop, though it wasn't particularly hard to fix. After that he started fainting and I went back in to take care of the thing that had triggered the seizure and then tried making him faint when its old tool was gone. All of this seemed to remind me that I could do good. But the question I had was why I couldn't get through to Girl A. I talked with her about it later that day. I had mentioned that I wanted to ask her something and she suggested that I come see her at work. After she got out of work we ended up talking and walking right up to the point when I had to leave for Prison (I'm a volunteer chaplain). It was fun, but mostly I learned a lot about how she cared for me. It also became clear that the reason why I wasn't able to help her, despite being able to help others, is that she was still blocking me out. She makes a noise like she is loud and brash, but there are times when it is easy to see just how timid she actually is. It isn't like I can say much, I use bravado at times to hide the fact that I can be so overwhelmed that I can barely see myself amid the confusion. Even so, it makes me sad to know that I can't help her in that way, especially since there are things so much bigger than "a cold" that I wish I could help her with.