kill you*
*the following was taken from facebook:
2:15am Sunday, Apr 13
i am ready to murder someone. not just anyone. just the fucker in the silver S2000 who beat the shit out of the guy on the bicycle. after running him over.
that was over three hours ago. my heart is still racing and my head is reeling. today was a near-perfect day. it would have been perfect if i were dancing right now. but you kind of killed my mood.
i wish you would have come at me. i want the chance to soccer kick you in the face until you're doing the funky chicken. maybe run your skinny ass over in your car. i want to give bicycle guy (fuck...i didn't even get his name....) a chance to throw a few good punches at you. someone needs to take you the fuck out. for days now i will be wishing that you would have given me that chance.
it's not just that some guy on a bicycle got the shit beat out of him. i've seen people get wasted before. spend enough time in the city and you'll see shit like that. it's that you're pounding this guy's face in WHO YOU JUST RAN OVER IN YOUR CAR, and who ISN'T EVEN PUTTING UP A FIGHT. you deserve to be gutted like a fucking fish. there is no excuse for that bull shit. you aren't even worthy of being called or treated like a human being. fuck. and then you come BACK? WHY? TO APOLOGIZE? TO FINISH HIM OFF!? WHAT!? maybe just to get ME caught in the middle? FUCK YOU. i want to hunt you down and go fucking leonidas on your ass. fuck.
violence is not good. repaying violence for violence is bad. but this fucker deserves it. it's good i don't keep the iron pipe under my seat anymore.
you didn't come at me. you DID walk away like i fucking told you to. but it feels so incredibly wrong. no retribution. no vengeance served. no consequence. THAT'S what really gets to me. nevermind that i got out to help him; picked up everything in his backpack that was strewn across both lanes. tara says i might have saved his life. but i want blood. and honestly, that scares me.
listening to tool. helps bring the anger out in the open where it needs to be. still don't have any way to release it though. i'm fucking tired. but i can't sleep.
i HATE feeling like this. this is not me. and i never say fuck. shit.
there were people there tonight that i really wanted to dance with. but i had to leave. asshole. icing on the cake: bicycle guy's blood got on my shoes. what the fuck? he better not have left any blood in my car....
whatever. at least i know bicycle guy got home okay.
a whole day later, i've figured out the problem. last night shit came THIS close to hitting the fan. the guy was livid, and i was sure he was going to throw one at me. i told him to step off; he had already drawn his blood and it was over. "turn the fuck around, get back in your car and drive away," or something to that effect. and he did. it's good that he did. but when i saw him come back around the corner i had an adrenaline rush like i haven't had in a LONG ass time. it pushed me to the edge and i was ready to jump. if he would have come at me, one of us would have beaten the other senseless. regardless of the outcome, i would have had release; all of that adrenaline and aggression would have gone somewhere. but he walked. no release. i'm blue balling...in a violent way. i'm still on edge. i'm still ready to bash this guy's face in, and that makes me extremely uncomfortable. i don't want to go anywhere or see anyone because i hate feeling like this and i don't want anyone to see it. i don't want to overhear some senseless asshole's bullshit comment and go ballistic. so. i sit at home. and fume. which doesn't help. at all.
maybe i'm being too dramatic. i'm not going to go ballistic. i'm not like that. last night was fight or flight. being put into a position like that will send anyone to the edge. i count it as an exception. things would have to escalate a great deal and QUICKLY to bring me to the same boiling point under "normal" circumstances, but still...my mind hasn't come away from the edge yet. if i saw this guy on the street tonight, i know i would do something stupid.
he's probably feeling the same thing. he's probably wishing that he would have thrown a punch at me. or maybe he got all of his aggression out when he bloodied bicycle guy's face. i doubt it though. this kid has bigger problems. but maybe something like this...something similar...is what set him off in the first place, and running into some "clueless idiot" on a bicycle (which i'm sure put a nice dent in his tuner) sent HIM over the edge. that doesn't justify beating the shit out of someone you just ran over with your car, but it's crazy how violence is a cycle. it starts with crazy asian kid kicking bicycle guy's ass. then i find my way into the middle it. now that it's over, I'M on edge all night and all day with a short fuse, afraid that i'm going to blow up in someone's face. if i had a rough childhood or a different upbringing, how would i have handled myself last night and today? would i have gone out looking for a fight? continuing the cycle? maybe bicycle guy'll go out and buy a gun to protect himself. someday he'll get mugged and shoot to defend himself, and he'll kill an innocent bystander or a kid in the process. you never know. this world is so fucked up.
anyway... my rush of adrenaline still lingers because it has no outlet. as long as it lingers, i will be tense, and therefore will not be able to dance, and i will have a very short fuse. but i would rather blue ball over it for a few days than find some violent release. i'm above that. unless i find this kid within the next 48 hours. (i laugh my evil laugh...)
i write because it helps. i'm done writing. it's helped a lot. i'm feeling better still because i fixed my cd player a few minutes ago and now i can listen to my headphones. yesterday it wasn't working so i couldn't listen to my headphones and that did not help my mood at all. i hope no on thinks less of me now. whatever. i'll delete this in a few days. the craziest shit happens to me....
:)
2:15am Sunday, Apr 13
i am ready to murder someone. not just anyone. just the fucker in the silver S2000 who beat the shit out of the guy on the bicycle. after running him over.
that was over three hours ago. my heart is still racing and my head is reeling. today was a near-perfect day. it would have been perfect if i were dancing right now. but you kind of killed my mood.
i wish you would have come at me. i want the chance to soccer kick you in the face until you're doing the funky chicken. maybe run your skinny ass over in your car. i want to give bicycle guy (fuck...i didn't even get his name....) a chance to throw a few good punches at you. someone needs to take you the fuck out. for days now i will be wishing that you would have given me that chance.
it's not just that some guy on a bicycle got the shit beat out of him. i've seen people get wasted before. spend enough time in the city and you'll see shit like that. it's that you're pounding this guy's face in WHO YOU JUST RAN OVER IN YOUR CAR, and who ISN'T EVEN PUTTING UP A FIGHT. you deserve to be gutted like a fucking fish. there is no excuse for that bull shit. you aren't even worthy of being called or treated like a human being. fuck. and then you come BACK? WHY? TO APOLOGIZE? TO FINISH HIM OFF!? WHAT!? maybe just to get ME caught in the middle? FUCK YOU. i want to hunt you down and go fucking leonidas on your ass. fuck.
violence is not good. repaying violence for violence is bad. but this fucker deserves it. it's good i don't keep the iron pipe under my seat anymore.
you didn't come at me. you DID walk away like i fucking told you to. but it feels so incredibly wrong. no retribution. no vengeance served. no consequence. THAT'S what really gets to me. nevermind that i got out to help him; picked up everything in his backpack that was strewn across both lanes. tara says i might have saved his life. but i want blood. and honestly, that scares me.
listening to tool. helps bring the anger out in the open where it needs to be. still don't have any way to release it though. i'm fucking tired. but i can't sleep.
i HATE feeling like this. this is not me. and i never say fuck. shit.
there were people there tonight that i really wanted to dance with. but i had to leave. asshole. icing on the cake: bicycle guy's blood got on my shoes. what the fuck? he better not have left any blood in my car....
whatever. at least i know bicycle guy got home okay.
a whole day later, i've figured out the problem. last night shit came THIS close to hitting the fan. the guy was livid, and i was sure he was going to throw one at me. i told him to step off; he had already drawn his blood and it was over. "turn the fuck around, get back in your car and drive away," or something to that effect. and he did. it's good that he did. but when i saw him come back around the corner i had an adrenaline rush like i haven't had in a LONG ass time. it pushed me to the edge and i was ready to jump. if he would have come at me, one of us would have beaten the other senseless. regardless of the outcome, i would have had release; all of that adrenaline and aggression would have gone somewhere. but he walked. no release. i'm blue balling...in a violent way. i'm still on edge. i'm still ready to bash this guy's face in, and that makes me extremely uncomfortable. i don't want to go anywhere or see anyone because i hate feeling like this and i don't want anyone to see it. i don't want to overhear some senseless asshole's bullshit comment and go ballistic. so. i sit at home. and fume. which doesn't help. at all.
maybe i'm being too dramatic. i'm not going to go ballistic. i'm not like that. last night was fight or flight. being put into a position like that will send anyone to the edge. i count it as an exception. things would have to escalate a great deal and QUICKLY to bring me to the same boiling point under "normal" circumstances, but still...my mind hasn't come away from the edge yet. if i saw this guy on the street tonight, i know i would do something stupid.
he's probably feeling the same thing. he's probably wishing that he would have thrown a punch at me. or maybe he got all of his aggression out when he bloodied bicycle guy's face. i doubt it though. this kid has bigger problems. but maybe something like this...something similar...is what set him off in the first place, and running into some "clueless idiot" on a bicycle (which i'm sure put a nice dent in his tuner) sent HIM over the edge. that doesn't justify beating the shit out of someone you just ran over with your car, but it's crazy how violence is a cycle. it starts with crazy asian kid kicking bicycle guy's ass. then i find my way into the middle it. now that it's over, I'M on edge all night and all day with a short fuse, afraid that i'm going to blow up in someone's face. if i had a rough childhood or a different upbringing, how would i have handled myself last night and today? would i have gone out looking for a fight? continuing the cycle? maybe bicycle guy'll go out and buy a gun to protect himself. someday he'll get mugged and shoot to defend himself, and he'll kill an innocent bystander or a kid in the process. you never know. this world is so fucked up.
anyway... my rush of adrenaline still lingers because it has no outlet. as long as it lingers, i will be tense, and therefore will not be able to dance, and i will have a very short fuse. but i would rather blue ball over it for a few days than find some violent release. i'm above that. unless i find this kid within the next 48 hours. (i laugh my evil laugh...)
i write because it helps. i'm done writing. it's helped a lot. i'm feeling better still because i fixed my cd player a few minutes ago and now i can listen to my headphones. yesterday it wasn't working so i couldn't listen to my headphones and that did not help my mood at all. i hope no on thinks less of me now. whatever. i'll delete this in a few days. the craziest shit happens to me....
:)