RP: Visiting Karen
Date: Sunday, October 23, 2011
Characters: Dax Xavier
Location: Cemetery
Status: Private
Summary: Dax visits Karen
Completion: Complete
It was difficult to believe that it had been a year since he’d heard Karen’s laugh or felt her arms around him in a tight hug. Dax missed her every day, but the anniversary snuck up on him. He wasn’t sure if the kids would be by later or not, since he hadn’t reminded them about the significance of the date, but it wasn’t like they wouldn’t remember on their own. Karen’s death hadn’t just affected him, after all. He knew Laura and Brandon missed her, too.
The flowers he bought at the local florist would have pleased Karen. Vibrant colors, a variety of different blooms that he remembered Karen liking, and he’d had them put in a pretty vase that he knew would probably not be there when he came back next weekend. It was frustrating that someone would steal a vase from a grave, but he’d lost enough of them over the years to no longer find it surprising. Just disappointing in how people could do something like that.
When he reached her grave, he knelt down and began to clean it up. He pulled a few weeds that had grown up since his last visit, and he wiped off the stone, wanting it to shine. Their burial wishes were one of the few disagreements they’d had over the years. She wanted a traditional burial, while he preferred being cremated. As it was, he’d carried out all of her wishes as well as he could, even if he didn’t really remember any of the details after the fact. He’d basically been sleepwalking through those first weeks. Months. Hell, sometimes he still felt like he was in a fog more days than not.
It wasn’t normal, he figured. Grief was one thing, but it had been a year. If she’d been his soulmate, like the old romantics used to write about, he’d understand how her absence seemed to put so much of his life on hold. They had been soulmates, he firmly believed that, but it had been platonic for a majority of their years together. He had learned how to play a part over the last six months, give or take. He could only take concerned looks from the children for so long before he knew he had to pretend that he wasn’t still talking to Karen as if she was there several nights a week or that he hadn’t bought a new bottle of the expensive perfume she liked to wear because he found it difficult to sleep without smelling it on the pillows. His employees had started giving him those looks, though, and it had made it more important to go through the motions and pretend.
“Morning, Karen. Sorry it’s so early, but I couldn’t sleep,” he said softly, shifting so that he was sitting on the grass. He could feel the early morning dew seep through the seat of his jeans, but he didn’t care. He leaned his arm against her stone and brought his other hand up to trace the curves of her name. “The weather’s been nice this week. It’s finally starting to feel a little more like fall, even if it’s too hot for October. Your flowers managed to survive the summer, but they didn’t look near as good as when you took care of them. I think they miss you, too.”
He sighed. “I’m going to some gardening class with this guy I met at the dog park. No, not that kind of man. I haven’t met any of those, really. I can’t really think about that yet. I know you’re disappointed in me, but you know me well enough to know that I don’t do anything that fast when you’re not here to nag me about it.” He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the cool stone.
“It’s been a year today, sweetheart. I know I should have let go by now, but I can’t. I will, though. Don’t you worry about me, okay? I’m just having some trouble…” He cleared his throat and tried again. “The kids aren’t watching me so close anymore, so I think I must be doing a good job at playing normal. I’ve been taking the dogs to the dog park every other week lately, and I’ve developed some new routines. I’m not going to the movies today, though, because I don’t think I can handle being around people so much, not even a friend.”
He wiped his eyes against the sleeve of his shirt. “It still feels like there’s a huge gaping hole in my heart, Karen, and I don’t know what I should be doing to make it feel better. People keep acting like I should be fine now, that it’s been a year and I should be at some certain stage of grief because some experts say this or that. What do they know about me? About us? It feels like my life was paused when you left me, and I just don’t know how to get it unfrozen and moving again. Really moving, without me faking it so the children don’t think I’m going to go crazy or something drastic like that. I need you here to hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay and that I’ll get through this, though I don’t really know how I’m supposed to without you.”
He sighed again and rubbed his thumb over the A in her name. “I brought you flowers. They’re from that shop near the hospitals, the one you were always competing against. Sorry about that, but you always did say they were the second best place for flowers in the area.” He smiled slightly as he could practically hear her saying that. He hadn’t forgotten the sound of her voice or her face yet, but he knew one day it wouldn’t come to mind so easily. Maybe that’s one reason he was afraid to let go. Forgetting her like that would be painful, even if he knew it wasn’t really forgetting. He kept talking to her, telling her about Brandon and Laura and the silly things that happened at work over the week. He knew if it was at all possible, she was around somewhere listening to him, and that made him feel better.
Characters: Dax Xavier
Location: Cemetery
Status: Private
Summary: Dax visits Karen
Completion: Complete
It was difficult to believe that it had been a year since he’d heard Karen’s laugh or felt her arms around him in a tight hug. Dax missed her every day, but the anniversary snuck up on him. He wasn’t sure if the kids would be by later or not, since he hadn’t reminded them about the significance of the date, but it wasn’t like they wouldn’t remember on their own. Karen’s death hadn’t just affected him, after all. He knew Laura and Brandon missed her, too.
The flowers he bought at the local florist would have pleased Karen. Vibrant colors, a variety of different blooms that he remembered Karen liking, and he’d had them put in a pretty vase that he knew would probably not be there when he came back next weekend. It was frustrating that someone would steal a vase from a grave, but he’d lost enough of them over the years to no longer find it surprising. Just disappointing in how people could do something like that.
When he reached her grave, he knelt down and began to clean it up. He pulled a few weeds that had grown up since his last visit, and he wiped off the stone, wanting it to shine. Their burial wishes were one of the few disagreements they’d had over the years. She wanted a traditional burial, while he preferred being cremated. As it was, he’d carried out all of her wishes as well as he could, even if he didn’t really remember any of the details after the fact. He’d basically been sleepwalking through those first weeks. Months. Hell, sometimes he still felt like he was in a fog more days than not.
It wasn’t normal, he figured. Grief was one thing, but it had been a year. If she’d been his soulmate, like the old romantics used to write about, he’d understand how her absence seemed to put so much of his life on hold. They had been soulmates, he firmly believed that, but it had been platonic for a majority of their years together. He had learned how to play a part over the last six months, give or take. He could only take concerned looks from the children for so long before he knew he had to pretend that he wasn’t still talking to Karen as if she was there several nights a week or that he hadn’t bought a new bottle of the expensive perfume she liked to wear because he found it difficult to sleep without smelling it on the pillows. His employees had started giving him those looks, though, and it had made it more important to go through the motions and pretend.
“Morning, Karen. Sorry it’s so early, but I couldn’t sleep,” he said softly, shifting so that he was sitting on the grass. He could feel the early morning dew seep through the seat of his jeans, but he didn’t care. He leaned his arm against her stone and brought his other hand up to trace the curves of her name. “The weather’s been nice this week. It’s finally starting to feel a little more like fall, even if it’s too hot for October. Your flowers managed to survive the summer, but they didn’t look near as good as when you took care of them. I think they miss you, too.”
He sighed. “I’m going to some gardening class with this guy I met at the dog park. No, not that kind of man. I haven’t met any of those, really. I can’t really think about that yet. I know you’re disappointed in me, but you know me well enough to know that I don’t do anything that fast when you’re not here to nag me about it.” He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the cool stone.
“It’s been a year today, sweetheart. I know I should have let go by now, but I can’t. I will, though. Don’t you worry about me, okay? I’m just having some trouble…” He cleared his throat and tried again. “The kids aren’t watching me so close anymore, so I think I must be doing a good job at playing normal. I’ve been taking the dogs to the dog park every other week lately, and I’ve developed some new routines. I’m not going to the movies today, though, because I don’t think I can handle being around people so much, not even a friend.”
He wiped his eyes against the sleeve of his shirt. “It still feels like there’s a huge gaping hole in my heart, Karen, and I don’t know what I should be doing to make it feel better. People keep acting like I should be fine now, that it’s been a year and I should be at some certain stage of grief because some experts say this or that. What do they know about me? About us? It feels like my life was paused when you left me, and I just don’t know how to get it unfrozen and moving again. Really moving, without me faking it so the children don’t think I’m going to go crazy or something drastic like that. I need you here to hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay and that I’ll get through this, though I don’t really know how I’m supposed to without you.”
He sighed again and rubbed his thumb over the A in her name. “I brought you flowers. They’re from that shop near the hospitals, the one you were always competing against. Sorry about that, but you always did say they were the second best place for flowers in the area.” He smiled slightly as he could practically hear her saying that. He hadn’t forgotten the sound of her voice or her face yet, but he knew one day it wouldn’t come to mind so easily. Maybe that’s one reason he was afraid to let go. Forgetting her like that would be painful, even if he knew it wasn’t really forgetting. He kept talking to her, telling her about Brandon and Laura and the silly things that happened at work over the week. He knew if it was at all possible, she was around somewhere listening to him, and that made him feel better.