RP: She's growing up too fast!

[jake_abernathy]

Date: August 18, 2011
Characters: Jake Abernathy, Neve Standheim
Location: Jake’s place
Status: Private
Summary: Jake needs to flail at someone.
Completion: Incomplete

Comments

[jake_abernathy]

He found, to his surprise, that it relieved him that someone could say 'before' and it not bother him. Quite the opposite, really, it was actually something of a relief to not dance around the subject. Like permission to be sad sometimes, because it wasn't just to him that things had changed. He smiled. "Yes, like before," he agreed. He was still that person, in part, and it was good to know that despite everything he could still be that at times.

"Enjoy your company? Never!" he joked, but his smile and his eyes belied the statement. He really did enjoy her company, both the serious and light sides of it. His talks with her often gave him perspective and comfort both.

Part of him was tempted to add 'not only lose, but to a cripple,' but he perhaps wisely held his tongue. He might find it amusing but somehow he sensed that Neve wouldn't Luke to hear him say it, much like his daughter had jumped on him the one time he'd said something similar in front of her.

It was always easier for him to be strong for others, and positive and happy and optimistic. That Neve could push him to feeling better than he had been about himself said a lot. Though that he could even admit it to her, some of those little thoughts and fears that piled up, felt good. It was far from his full complement of problems, which included his fear of what would happen if he to try a physical relationship, that he'd never find his place in this new and harder world, but just getting a little bit of it out there helped more than she would probably ever know.

[neve_stadheim]

A ghost of a smile flashed across her features when he agreed. It wasn't that Neve was saying he wasn't the same person he had always been. But now more often than not she had to coerce him out a mood to find that guy again. She never hesitated to talk about things like this, it didn't do anyone any good to ignore pain or hurt - and acting like the topic of 'before the accident' was taboo just wasn't in Neve's personality. "You know you're still that guy..." she spoke softly. "Now I just have to do some digging to find him." And she had no qualms with doing so.

"Of course not." she quipped. God it was good to see Jake smile, she understood that he didn't always have something to smile about. But when she could manage to get him to lighten up and crack that smile, well, Neve enjoyed those moments the most; even if it was at her own expense. "Why would you enjoy my company after all, I'm so annoying." She did a pretty good job of impersonating exactly what Mackenzie had whined at her earlier that morning.

She wasn't entirely sure if Jake knew just how much it meant to her that he was always there for her. Here he had so much more to deal with on a daily basis, and yet he never seemed to hesitate or blink and eye when it came to listening to her stress; and really Jake was nearly the only person in the world that got to see that side of her - the side that wasn't entirely sure of everything, that wasn't calm and collected. Sure she bothered Jake every once in a while to check up on him, but maybe it wasn't just for his sake that she stopped by? Was she unconsciously checking in on Jake for her own benefit as well?

In true Neve fashion she leaned over and gave him a quick hug, and a quietly said "Thank you." Sure Jake probably thought she was nuts, after all the thank you had come out of nowhere, well, not nowhere. Her thoughts had brought on the 'thank you' But Jake wasn't privy to her thoughts, and she was kind of certain that some of them she wasn't ready to speak aloud - the pondering as to why she kept such a close eye on him during this entire time.

[jake_abernathy]

He smiled at her, a genuine smile, if a little soft and almost sad. "I'll try not to make it so hard, in the future," he said quietly. He didn't want her to give up on him because it was always a lot of work. He had a lot of good days; it was just he had days like today, too, where the slightest thing could set him into an unexpected gloom.

He chuckled, knowing her children well enough to peg that she was mimicking her troublesome middle daughter. "Oh, so annoying, Neve, so annoying," he teased, reaching out to tug a lock of her hair. "But you always know just what to say and do. And I'm grateful for that, truly." His voice went serious and he caught her eye. "I appreciate it, that you care enough to trouble yourself." She had to know that, had to know that he really was glad to she took her time to see to him.

Jake leaned forward and hugged her back. "For what, Neve?" he said quietly, giving her a small smile. She was the one who helped him out so much today, he hadn't done a thing.

[neve_stadheim]

She couldn't stop herself from making a face at his quiet words. "Jake." she resisted rolling her eyes at him. Did he really think she was going to stop coming around because sometimes she had to work to get him to smile or lighten up? "You just continue being you and I'll continue being me." Continue badgering until she got through to him. She didn't expect him to be happy all the time, and actually she wished he would call her on those days, let her know he was struggling so she could attempt to do something about it.

If getting Jake to smile was a win, Neve didn't now what getting him to laugh was. "God, don't know how you put up with me." she shot back, dark eyes shining with mirth as she spoke. "I know you, so knowing what to say to you is easy." Her voice held the same serious tone his did as she met his gaze. Neve shook her head fiercely as she replied. "You're not a trouble...." she replied quietly and before she could stop herself she was speaking again. "I care about you." What did she mean by those words? She did care about Jake, but she wasn't sure how exactly she cared about him or maybe she was sure but saying it was going to be to hard. Why she had been spurred her on to speak she didn't know.

Neve smiled weakly, feeling kind of silly now that she had to explain herself. "For everything." She replied, wondering if Jake would accept her blanket reply, and she had a feeling he wouldn't or at least if the roles were reversed she wouldn't accept a half ass reply.

[jake_abernathy]

"Okay, okay," he said, grinning faintly. He'd had to tell her, though, because there were people who stopped coming, or who made quick excuses when he was obviously having a bad day. People who avoided calling on the days he had PT because he always had more trouble on those days, because it often hurt and the lack of significant progress often depressed him. He knew who they were, though he couldn't really blame them. It wasn't easy to deal with him on a hard day.

"Me, put up with you? That's not a hardship, Neve, not at all." Neve always had time for him, or for anyone, as far as he could tell, with exception of her horrible inlaws. For which he couldn't blame her. He'd been scared for awhile that his former in-laws might try to take Star from him, but he'd really lucked out there. "I am trouble, and I know it, Neve, but thank you for saying so." He smiled at her when she said she cared--he cared for her too. She'd become a big part of his life, especially since the accident and more recently in standing by him when other people didn't have time.

He raised his eye brows at her slightly, torn between his curiosity to push her for a better explanation and letting her get away with it. "Everything?" he finally prompted. If she evaded, she evaded, but he was curious.

[neve_stadheim]

Neve was tougher than most people gave her create for. She had dealt with a lot worse than a sometimes crabby friend, but she knew why Jake felt the need to say what he had said. Some people couldn't handle it, couldn't stick around long enough to endure the gloom to force their way through and find Jake again. He had reasons to feel gloomy, Neve knew this. But those moods never frightened her, she could deal with a lot; Jake's bad moods being one of them.

"Yes, you put up with me. And it's not? Not even a little bit?" She was meddler, and Jake's life happened to be one she meddled in a lot of the time. Neve did it because she cared, but sometimes not everyone saw it that way. Neve couldn't stop herself from shaking her head and giving Jake a serious look. "You're not trouble to me." And he wasn't, no matter how much he wanted to think he was - Neve never viewed dealing with Jake as troublesome. "You're not." She wanted to get that point across. "People you care about are never trouble to you, or you're never to exhausted to deal with their trouble." Dealing with Jake was never hard, sure sometimes she had to work to pull him out of a mood, but even then he wasn't hard to deal with, at least not in her mind. "But maybe that's just because I care." God, there she was saying that again, why did she keep bringing that up?

As much as she wanted to avoid answering, Neve couldn't. "Everything, as in always being there for me. Watching out for me sometimes, reminding me it's okay to not be tough all the time. Offering to intimidate boys when my girls get to that age," She paused, realizing she was babbling a little. "Jake, guess what I'm trying to say is thank you for being you. For putting up with my meddling, and God, you're always there for me...and I think I care about you in a way I didn't realize until just now." Honesty, Neve was always honest. Although she hadn't meant to say that last part, and she still wasn't sure exactly how she felt about Jake, or more accurately she knew and wasn't sure she was ready to admit that yet.

[jake_abernathy]

"Not even a little bit," Jake said with a shake of his head. "You're my friend, Neve, it's not a hardship or even putting up with you." It was what friends did. He never begrudged the time or energy or anything that he spent with her. She was someone he cared about, and that was what friends did for one another. And compared to him, she wasn't hard to deal with at all.

"WEll, I'm glad you care," he said quietly. "You make things a lot easier to bear." And that was the honest truth. She brightened his days and helped him remember how to deal with some things, and though he doubted she knew the specifics, it helped that she knew some of the physical things he had to deal with every day. There was understanding there. "No, they're not. You're right."

He smiled gently at her. "That's what you do for each other," he said quietly, agreeing with her previous assessment. "I don't need thanks for any of that. "And your meddling never hurts anything. Keeps life interesting." It wasn't like she was constantly setting him up with people or trying to change the way he lived. She didn't even badger him as badly as she could about going to PT or a head shrink. He didn't really get what she was saying about caring more than in the way they'd always cared for each other, the friendship that had deepened progressively this year. She had always been off-limits, married and widowed, in the past. It didn't occur to him yet that that could ever change, and he wouldn't know what to think if he did know it. He reached a hand for Neve's, squeezing it.

"I care for you too, Neve. I don't know what I'd do without you in my life," he said honestly. After his daughter and parents, she numbered right near the top of the list of people he cared about in his life.

[neve_stadheim]

"So my habit of bugging the hell out of you isn't a hardship?" Neve quirked a brow, even she knew she could be overbearing sometimes. She believed Jake when he said it wasn't, but with everything he dealt with sometimes she wondered if her constant checking in was one more exhausting thing he had to deal with.

She let a faint smile flash across her features. Of course she cared, but it was nice to hear that the fact that she cared mattered. Shaking her head, she wasn't entirely positive that she did make things easier to bear. But if that's what Jake thought she wasn't going to argue with him. "I don't do anything but poke my head in every once in awhile and make sure you haven't sunk into a black pit of despair." Neve replied honestly. "But if that makes things easier to bear, I'll continue to do it." She couldn't keep herself from laughing softly. "Of course I'm right." Her tone was teasing, nobody was right all the time.

Shaking her head, she replied quietly. "Yes you do. Not everyone would do what you've done for me lately." Neve didn't care what Jake said, he deserved a 'thank you' for everything he had done with her over the past few months. "Well as long as I keep life interesting." Maybe what she thought was meddling wasn't really meddling at all, although she was leaning more towards the fact that Jake just didn't seem to mind it so much. She had a feeling Jake didn't get what she was saying, and really Neve wasn't exactly sure what she was saying either. Staring down at her hand in his, Neve thought about trying to explain herself further, she didn't know how Jake would react if she did; but Neve had never been one to shy away from honesty.

"Jake...." She began, trailing off as she tried to figure out the thoughts racing around in her head. "Firstly, you would survive without me in your life. And secondly, when I say I care I think what I mean is I've started to develop feelings for you." Quick to the point and matter of fact, that was Neve in a nutshell, though she couldn't bring her gaze up to meet Jake's.

[jake_abernathy]

"No, it just gives me an excuse to bug the hell out of you on occasion as well," Jake retorted with a grin. And he'd find a reason to. Hell, if calling her to flail about his daughter growing up wasn't bugging her, he didn't really know what was. It wasn't like he hadn't known it all along, after all.

"And if you knew how few people do that, Neve, you would know how much it means," he said genuinely. To know someone outside his own flesh and blood gave a shit, it meant more than he could say. He had friends, certainly, but not a lot who would think that maybe he might not be having as good of a day as he pretended.

"Anyone worth anything would have," he said. He didn't think it was a big deal, helping her through that thing with her in-laws, or hell, even paying for the PI to see what was going on. It wasn't like he was short on money--his family had always had more than enough. He would have paid much much more if he'd needed to, just to make sure her family was safe and together. He didn't want to see them torn apart and unhappy.

Jake tilted his head, wondering what was going on when Neve trailed off. She wasn't the sort to normally have trouble laying something out, and it worreid him. What she said, though, made him blink and struggle to process it, because it seemed like it came completely out of left field for him. "Oh," he said, blinking again and squeezing her hand reassuringly even as he tried to process what this meant and what was going on. "I... I don't know what to say, Neve," he admitted, thinking honesty deserved honesty. He'd always thought of Neve as his friend, attractive and female, yes, but never allowed more than that. They'd been friends for years.

"You deserve a better guy than me," he said softly after a moment, knowing it was true. She deserved someone who was whole and able to do everything for her. Someone with whom she wouldn't have to help along all the time, or deal with his new insecurities and fears. A guy who knew how to do permanent these days, because he'd been stuck in the impossible casual situation for so long before his accident. "Much more than me." Half a man.

[neve_stadheim]

"Well you hardly bug me." Neve shot back easily. And it was the truth, Jake didn't often call her up to badger or bug her. When he did he usually had a legitimate reason, like today, flailing about one's daughter was a good reason to call her up; and it wasn't bugging her.

"Well it's there loss." she replied honestly. Even in the worst of moods Jake wasn't half bad to deal with, or maybe it was just the pure fact that Neve had dealt with far worse, Hell. Her father had never been a walk in the park to deal with, and Jake had a compassion her own father never had; which made his moods easier to deal with because she knew that deep down Jake wasn't being a grump to be mean or horrible.

"No they wouldn't have." she replied seriously. At least Neve didn't know many people who would hire a PI and foot the bill. To her Jake was an entirely different kind of person, and maybe he didn't see it. But it had meant the world to her that he had done that, that he had supported her during the hell her in-laws were putting her through.

Neve knew she had just blindsided Jake, and she hated the fact that she had said anything. To her it seemed obvious, over the last year he had done a lot for her, small things that alone wouldn't seem like a big deal, but when you add them all up it was a big deal. This had been gradual, building for awhile and Neve just hadn't notice, not until now, and why now she didn't know. "I don't expect you to say anything, Jake." You can't just spring something like this on someone and expect and answer, and God. Jake had enough going on in his life, he didn't need Neve confusing it more. The part of her that always fought to stay strong and be unflappable wanted to tug her hand away from his, brush this all off and pretend like she hadn't said anything - you can't get hurt if it never happened.

"I think I'm the only person who gets to decide who or what I think I deserve." she replied softly, her honesty shining through still. Jake was one of the best guys she knew, had always been and his accident didn't change that. She wanted to argue that sometimes you didn't get to choose who you fell for, but she had a feeling Jake wouldn't listen to those words. Neve hadn't expected Jake to feel anything for her, and a large part of her wished she hadn't said anything at all; damn her honesty. "Jake, you're not going to believe me. But you're a better man, even in that chair than half the guys I know who are still able bodied." It was the truth, whether Jake believed her or not. Even with the physical issues and the insecurities and fears, Jake was one of the best people Neve knew.

[jake_abernathy]

Jake didn't really see it. He had been raised a certain way, and very well, though his parents and he might not always see eye to eye. He just tried to treat others how he wanted to be treated, though that didn't always translate well into real life. All he knew was that he would do it again, if needed, and he would have done anything to help her keep her family together.

It was a shift in his world, really, because Neve had always been firmly in the 'untouchable' box, so to speak. He was going to have to adjust to the shift, let these confused and swirling thoughts settle, though he felt guilty for not being able to process them in the here and now. She said she thought she was developing feelings, and he wondered if it was just a thought or if it was real, or what. It was just a lot to take in all at once. If she'd pulled her hand away, though, he would have taken it back--he didn't want her to pull away now, not after everything they'd been through. He refused to do that.

He realized she was right when she talked about her deciding who she deserved. That was, at least, true... even if he really didn't know why she would think he was good enough for her. "That is true," he said softly. "I'm not trying to gainsay that. Just..." He shrugged slightly, feeling mildly helpless--why him, of all the men in her life? She could have her pick of doctors at the hospital, among many others.

This whole thing, it was overwhelming and confusing, but a small part of him wondered... just wondered. What would it be like, with her? He felt a little guilty for thinking it, considering he had... an undefined something with Dess... but the thought was there nonetheless.

He might be a good man, but he could not see how she could possibly want a man like him, with his problems, like that. His legs were dead, for God's sake, and other parts were of unknown working ability. Why would an attractive woman like her--or Dess, for that matter--want a man who might not be able to perform in the bedroom? Because that was a part of a relationship, he knew.

"Thank you, for that," he said quietly. They were words he wanted to believe. He turned his hand in hers, watching their fingers shift together in a way he hadn't before, wishing he knew what to say. He wished he could see himself as that desirable and attractive these days, though she wasn't really speaking in physical terms. "I'm glad you think so."

[neve_stadheim]

Maybe this was cruel, springing this on Jake when she wasn't even sure exactly how she felt. No, that was a lie, she knew how she felt - but admitting it, saying 'I've fallen for you' would make her vulnerable in a way she didn't want to be. She didn't have walls up really, but growing up the way she had and being an Army wife, Neve had survival instincts and although she still didn't pull her hand away, she wanted to do nothing more than just that. Save herself before she made a complete fool of herself. Jake was a friend, and had never been anything more than that - so why had her feelings changed?

She couldn't help the 'look' she gave Jake, he didn't have to say the words again for her to know what he was thinking. "Just, nothing." Fate never gave you a choice on who you fell for, and Neve wasn't about to argue why she cared about Jake with him. "I feel the way I feel and that's that." She didn't want to hear Jake argue that she deserved this or that, because by saying that he was cutting himself down - and Neve wasn't going to sit by and let him do that; as his friend above anything else she wasn't going to listen to him cut himself short.

This had come out of left field, maybe Neve had had these feelings for awhile and had just needed something to open her eyes. Either way, she wasn't expecting Jake to return her feelings or have any interest in her. They were friends first and foremost, and Neve hoped that even with the admission of how she felt they would remain friends; she relied on Jake too much to lose him in her life.

"Jake, I don't need thanks. It's the truth, at least it's the truth in my eyes." she replied softly. Saying empty words was never her way, if she said it she meant it. Although she didn't expect Jake to believe them. She didn't lift her gaze from their hands, and she was still fighting like hell not to pull away. Usually talking came so easy to her, but this was uncharted territory and she didn't know exactly what she should say. "Of course I think so." Neve trailed off as she considered finishing her sentence. "Jake, This." She motioned towards his chair. "That's not who you are, and if you let it define you for the rest of your life you'll never move on."

[jake_abernathy]

His lips twitched into a faint grin at her no nonsense tone. It was something she'd always had, though whether it had developed when she became a parent or she'd always had it he didn't know. It often times tempted him to say 'yes ma'am,' though this time at least he refrained. He spread the fingers of his free hand in surrender, however. If that was the way she felt, it was the way she felt. He of all people wouldn't argue with having feelings for someone you shouldn't.

Of all the things he knew at this moment, the chief of them was that he would still be her friend. Other things might be muddled, like what he was supposed to do now and what he was supposed to say and how did he feel now? Because there was a stir of wondering and interest, though whether it was because it was new or because there was true interest he couldn't say. Perhaps if he'd been in his younger and wilder and more confident years, he would have acted impulsively and tried to figure it out promptly, but life had taught him patience.

"No, it's not," he said quietly after a moment. "But I also have to be honest about it, and admit there are limitations and problems that come with it. Nothing will ever be 'normal' with me, or anyone who is with me." He wasn't looking for pity, and he wasn't even really pitying himself. It was blunt honesty in his own fashion, things he'd been forced to accept since the day of the accident.

[neve_stadheim]

She had to smile slightly when Jake held up his hand in surrender. Fussing over how she felt wasn't going to do either one of them a damn bit of good, and Neve wasn't someone who had to talk everything through - that title had fallen to Ezra in their family. She had her feelings, and had made them known; but she didn't expect anything in return. How could she expect something? The last she was aware Jake had some undefined thing going on with the woman that owned the dinner near JPS. Feelings existed, that much she could admit to, but if they were never returned she would survive.

At the end of the day she just hoped that despite her revelation that she and Jake would remain friends. Above all else she had come to rely on him to be a part of her support system, and to lose that, well, Neve wasn't sure how she would handle that. The last thing she wanted was to force Jake to made a decision, to figure out exactly how he felt at this very moment. And she wouldn't want him too make an impulsive decision; because most times the decisions you make on impulse are the ones you live to regret.

Some people may be bothered by blunt honesty, but she preferred it and so when Jake replied she couldn't help but smile slightly. "No, your life isn't normal and whoever ends up being the person you decide to let into that life will have to accept that." she finally lifted her gaze from their hands to look at Jake again. "Have you ever stopped to think that not every woman in the world wants 'normal'?" She wasn't asking this question for her own benefit, but just in general. "And if a person cares about you enough they'll accept that fact."