New Layout - and a couple RL things...
Hey Everybody! ::waves:: ::jumps up and down:: ::waves some more::
Oh GAWD how I've missed everyone...! Every single one of you. But before I get all mushy on you, first things first:
New layout! I've been working on it for about two weeks give or take, putting all the CSS together (and taking apart the codes from the one I had before to keep what I liked about it... *coughLACEYBACKGROUNDcough*) Anyway, you'll probably have noticed the big empty gray space at the top (with the "please forgive our dust" quip). I am planning on hauling out my "welcome mat" entry and putting the essentials up in that gray area. Soooo, that's going to take a bit to file it down and make it nice and organized. So if you happen to chance by here and things look a little funk-i-fied, pay no attention to this woman behind the curtain...she knows not what she does! ;)
So that's that. On to the next?
This one may need a warning or two, it's a heavy subject matter.
I know I've been kind of tight-lipped about what's been going on in my life lately (ever since July). Part of that is because it's been too personal for me to feel comfortable talking about it. But as the months have passed, and things have progressed a little step at a time, I feel like this issue needs to be aired somewhat. Writing always helps me... but sometimes having someone there - whether they are right next to you or on the other side of a monitor - helps tremendously. So here goes...
Back in July of last year, my husband made a threat on his life, and would have carried out if I had not been there. Since then he has been out of work for severe depression and a crippling social anxiety that seemingly popped up out of nowhere and threw me for quite the spin. Before that day in July, I had no clue he was that depressed that he would want to take his own life. It made me feel like I'd failed him as a wife, and watching him drown in sadness began to effect me as well, so I sought out therapy in order to strengthen myself against that endless fog of depression that was surrounding him.
I would love to say he's 100% better now...but that just isn't the case. He still cannot venture out of doors other than to go see his doctors and therapists. Crowded places give him the shakes and panic attacks. We don't go out anymore (we used to hold a highly active social life, including date nights out to movies or dinner or bowling). But that just means, if we want a special night, I rent from RedBox and bring home take-out from somewhere. Every day is different. Some days are better than the last, some days are worse. But I do feel like he has progressed since that day in July. He used to have panic attacks almost every day, but now it's a rare occasion, and he has better control over how to stop them from progressing. His sense of humor returns more often now, and he makes little jokes here and there. These things seem little to people - family and friends that know the full story or just part of it - but to me, they mean everything. And I take what I can get.
It's not at all easy living with someone who's depressed, or someone who is on disability and is home all day long. I'm a very independent creature, and I crave my "alone-time." In fact, my mother has told me that when I was an infant, I never used to scream and cry for attention in the morning; she'd actually have to come see if I was even awake, because I'd just be quiet as could be, gurgling and cooing away at Pooh and Tigger and trying to grab my toes. I was perfectly happy being alone, even that young. So now, to have someone who is home-bound and depressed... it takes a toll on my psyche. I have a very hard time finding my muse, because normally when I write, I like to have no distractions and no one in the same room as me. Even if he's quiet, his sighs, his shoe tapping the floor, his "hmm" as he reads something... they're all distractions and derailments, without him even being aware of it. And it's not like I could turn around and say "STOP SOUNDING SO INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU'RE READINGGGGG YOU'RE HARSHING MY WRITING BUZZ!!!" because, who does that?
I'm getting side-tracked. The whole point of this entry was to basically make you aware of what's going on, and this would be why I haven't updated in nearly five months. While I am still plugging away at the next chapter of Spanish Lullaby, my progression has slowed wayyyyy down, due to either being completely and utterly drained, or to not having nearly enough "alone-time" to discipline myself to stay sitting for longer than ten minutes before going off to check facebook or twitter or or or...
You get the idea. My brain is scrambled lately.
So that's the story. While all of that is happening at home, I am currently still working full time, and am actively looking for a better paying job and better benefits, trying to take a few cake decorating classes for my cake business, trying to find us a place to live in the next month to month and a half, sending in disability forms and making phone calls to all sorts of unhelpful people during all of this. Needless to say, at the end of the day, this girl is tired....! Kinda like I am right now, because I've NO JOKE dozed off while typing about four times now. And what's even funnier is the stuff that I ended up typing, thinking I was making complete sense and then I'd "wake up" and see that I had written something that was both hilarious and unrelated to what I WAS talking about. So before that starts again, I think it's time I crawled my way into bed and crashed. xPPP