We live in strange times
So this post actually has nothing to do with the election, it's just an interesting coincidence that my personal revelations happened to come this week. I've had alot of therapy recently. Not therapy as in, I pay someone and they listen to me talk about my problems. I always thought it was kind of like prostitution without the sex. Nope, just therapy as in confirmation, and despite what the talking heads say, that's really important.
I can't help the way I'm wired, I really can't. All the philosophy in the world can't erase those little nagging musings in the back of my mind. That speeding ticket back in 2009, what could I have done with that money? That gift card my brother misplaced. That dumbo kid that socked me one in 3rd grade because his parents beat him too hard, or not hard enough. And hey, did he ever wind up in a car wash like I thought? I'll bet he did. But wouldn't it be great to know for sure, compare my objectively better life to his, and then go on my merry way with that extra bit of confidence? You bet it would.
People who talk about moving on or past is past or some other bullshit like that just never understood there's just some things you've got to see and know for yourself. Accepting your circumstances isn't about philosophy, it's about changing those circumstances so that they're acceptable to you. I want my quarter for that little bit of zen wisdom, but I'm going off on a tangent here.
So, last month and just today I finally caught up on two people who I used to wonder about. Not enough to spend more than ten minutes a year actually seeking them out, least that's what I told myself, but just one of those maddening itches you feel when you're stuck in traffic, or trying to drop back off to sleep, etc. etc. Well, some of it was a matter of waiting for Facebook to catch up, but alot of it seems to be personal apathy/having my head up my ass on my end. I could have found one of them last year, and the other has been out for years, but I didn't. I guess I was trying to convince myself I didn't care, but I finally accepted it's ok to do things I know are "wrong" if that's what I seem to need. Why not, everyone else does right.
I let the both of them jack me up emotionally when I was younger. They say you imprint on people and things, not just when you're born, but in your teens/early twenties, that's why those memories are so much more intense. I don't know if that's true, but I can truthfully say these two had an outsized influence on me all these years that they definitely shouldn't have, but I gave up on trying to fix my own bad wiring and in some ways I'm better for that. There's no pill one can take, and even if there was, I doubt I would, and philosophy and relative success in the present only goes so far. I could have won the lotto and had a group orgy every night and I would have been just as bugged. But the knowing, that's done something for me I really didn't expect.
Just the knowing that I was right, that they both wound up about where I thought they would validates me for some reason. And no, they're not slaving away in car washes, not that I thought they would be. They're both doing ok, at least, for now, and I hope they continue to. I think both their significant others will be getting a surprise down the road if they haven't already, but I really don't wish them anything negative, except maybe to live in that crazy waiting room that lies between regret and not knowing like I did for awhile. That, I think, would even things up, and one of the things I hope to impress on my daughter is to never do that kind of shit to another human being, ever.
But I don't have the need to contact them further, and that's a relief. I've been so over them both for awhile now, I was just lacking that maddening little confirmation that my subconscious seemed to need, and now I have it, and just...wow.
I didn't know what it would do for me. Probably nothing I thought. Just a little extra confidence maybe, one less thing to wonder. But I feel GREAT. I feel like I can finally lay that load of bricks down. Pop psychiatry tells you you can do that anytime you want, but that's bullshit. You don't put it down any time you want, and you don't put it down when you're tired. You put it down when you find the right place.
I know this kind of mickey mouse highschool bullshit shouldn't have held me back, but now that it's done, I can feel how much it was. Nothing I could see, nothing obvious but yeah...at 35, I felt like my life was done already. I felt exhausted. I felt like I had early onset Alzheimers, must have as long as I was in a fog. Locked in to where I was, getting older, doing the 9 to 5, no prospects for reaching that emotional peak I've been looking for since I was 15 frickin' years old, and I just feel energized. I feel good about my life. I feel like I've got some pep to do something even better with it now. I've been limping along on a plateau for the last few years, and I feel like I can start climbing again.
Then again, maybe the new bed helped.
I can't help the way I'm wired, I really can't. All the philosophy in the world can't erase those little nagging musings in the back of my mind. That speeding ticket back in 2009, what could I have done with that money? That gift card my brother misplaced. That dumbo kid that socked me one in 3rd grade because his parents beat him too hard, or not hard enough. And hey, did he ever wind up in a car wash like I thought? I'll bet he did. But wouldn't it be great to know for sure, compare my objectively better life to his, and then go on my merry way with that extra bit of confidence? You bet it would.
People who talk about moving on or past is past or some other bullshit like that just never understood there's just some things you've got to see and know for yourself. Accepting your circumstances isn't about philosophy, it's about changing those circumstances so that they're acceptable to you. I want my quarter for that little bit of zen wisdom, but I'm going off on a tangent here.
So, last month and just today I finally caught up on two people who I used to wonder about. Not enough to spend more than ten minutes a year actually seeking them out, least that's what I told myself, but just one of those maddening itches you feel when you're stuck in traffic, or trying to drop back off to sleep, etc. etc. Well, some of it was a matter of waiting for Facebook to catch up, but alot of it seems to be personal apathy/having my head up my ass on my end. I could have found one of them last year, and the other has been out for years, but I didn't. I guess I was trying to convince myself I didn't care, but I finally accepted it's ok to do things I know are "wrong" if that's what I seem to need. Why not, everyone else does right.
I let the both of them jack me up emotionally when I was younger. They say you imprint on people and things, not just when you're born, but in your teens/early twenties, that's why those memories are so much more intense. I don't know if that's true, but I can truthfully say these two had an outsized influence on me all these years that they definitely shouldn't have, but I gave up on trying to fix my own bad wiring and in some ways I'm better for that. There's no pill one can take, and even if there was, I doubt I would, and philosophy and relative success in the present only goes so far. I could have won the lotto and had a group orgy every night and I would have been just as bugged. But the knowing, that's done something for me I really didn't expect.
Just the knowing that I was right, that they both wound up about where I thought they would validates me for some reason. And no, they're not slaving away in car washes, not that I thought they would be. They're both doing ok, at least, for now, and I hope they continue to. I think both their significant others will be getting a surprise down the road if they haven't already, but I really don't wish them anything negative, except maybe to live in that crazy waiting room that lies between regret and not knowing like I did for awhile. That, I think, would even things up, and one of the things I hope to impress on my daughter is to never do that kind of shit to another human being, ever.
But I don't have the need to contact them further, and that's a relief. I've been so over them both for awhile now, I was just lacking that maddening little confirmation that my subconscious seemed to need, and now I have it, and just...wow.
I didn't know what it would do for me. Probably nothing I thought. Just a little extra confidence maybe, one less thing to wonder. But I feel GREAT. I feel like I can finally lay that load of bricks down. Pop psychiatry tells you you can do that anytime you want, but that's bullshit. You don't put it down any time you want, and you don't put it down when you're tired. You put it down when you find the right place.
I know this kind of mickey mouse highschool bullshit shouldn't have held me back, but now that it's done, I can feel how much it was. Nothing I could see, nothing obvious but yeah...at 35, I felt like my life was done already. I felt exhausted. I felt like I had early onset Alzheimers, must have as long as I was in a fog. Locked in to where I was, getting older, doing the 9 to 5, no prospects for reaching that emotional peak I've been looking for since I was 15 frickin' years old, and I just feel energized. I feel good about my life. I feel like I've got some pep to do something even better with it now. I've been limping along on a plateau for the last few years, and I feel like I can start climbing again.
Then again, maybe the new bed helped.