New friends / Emotional surges
I haven't been on in who knows how long, but once again I've got something I need to get off my chest.
So, I have a new friend and his name is Travis. We had a lengthy, but awesome conversation last night, boucing between gaming, religion, and relationships. I'm not going to bore you all with the details of the conversation, but if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be reconsidering all the things I've said the past two or so years. One out of the blue question, follwed by a brief statement, has been with me all day:
"so how do you NOT have a boyfriend then? =P you seem nice enough"
I don't know exactly what triggered my preoccupation with this. Maybe I just needed to hear these words from someone who's still somewhat of a stranger in my life. Maybe it was our conversation about past relationships that followed this single, yet powerful line of text. It's something I still can't get out my head. It's like that ringing in your ears that never seems to go away, and even if it does, you swear it's still there, however quiet it may be.
I started thinking about past relationships with one 'almost ' boyfriend. Don't know if any of you rememeber Josh, the one who strung me along for the ride while dating someone else and the six months of grief that ensued because he couldn't admit nor handle the truth. Then there was Wes, the six and a half foot giant with a superiority complex who drank far too much and used his dog to illicit attention wherever he went. There have been several others from the pre-closet days that I haven't mentioned here, and I'm not going to bother with them. I've been betrayed or burned so badly and frequently, as I told Travis, that I've given up on finding love.
But, did I ever really give up on finding it? This is where I'm in some form of self-conflict. One part of me says "You don't need anyone. You've got friends and that's all you'll need. Your other kinds of relationships have never worked out and you should know better by now." An even larger part of me screams "Coward. You're afraid. You hide behind excuses and failed romances that way you never have to run the risk of another broken heart. You're convinced that even by making friends, you're taking that same chance. Stop being such a wuss!"
I'm starting to think that the latter is the real reason. There are constant moments almost every day in which I think about love. I secretly wish to find someone to hold, to cuddle. I secretly wish to find someone to sit next to and never feel lonely. I secretly want to find happiness...genuine happiness. And every moment I have these desires, I brush them aside...only for them to come rushing back in greater frequency and intensity that makes me shut down and want to curl into a ball. There have even been nights when I've cried myself to sleep. God, I freeze up every time I try to change all of this. I feel so broken...so empty. Admitting that I have these thoughts makes me feel better, but at the same time, even worse.
I don't know where to begin. I don't even know how to begin to reclaim the part of me I discarded so long ago. I feel like a parent wanting to reconnect with and welcome back a disowned child. The healing needs to begin somewhere. Yet, all that comes to mind are the lyrics from the final stanza of Dolly Parton's "I Will Always Love You." Perhaps, i'll start here:
I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you, joy and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love.
So, for the time being, this song goes out to me...from me. Perhaps, tonight won't be so lonely after all...
So, I have a new friend and his name is Travis. We had a lengthy, but awesome conversation last night, boucing between gaming, religion, and relationships. I'm not going to bore you all with the details of the conversation, but if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be reconsidering all the things I've said the past two or so years. One out of the blue question, follwed by a brief statement, has been with me all day:
"so how do you NOT have a boyfriend then? =P you seem nice enough"
I don't know exactly what triggered my preoccupation with this. Maybe I just needed to hear these words from someone who's still somewhat of a stranger in my life. Maybe it was our conversation about past relationships that followed this single, yet powerful line of text. It's something I still can't get out my head. It's like that ringing in your ears that never seems to go away, and even if it does, you swear it's still there, however quiet it may be.
I started thinking about past relationships with one 'almost ' boyfriend. Don't know if any of you rememeber Josh, the one who strung me along for the ride while dating someone else and the six months of grief that ensued because he couldn't admit nor handle the truth. Then there was Wes, the six and a half foot giant with a superiority complex who drank far too much and used his dog to illicit attention wherever he went. There have been several others from the pre-closet days that I haven't mentioned here, and I'm not going to bother with them. I've been betrayed or burned so badly and frequently, as I told Travis, that I've given up on finding love.
But, did I ever really give up on finding it? This is where I'm in some form of self-conflict. One part of me says "You don't need anyone. You've got friends and that's all you'll need. Your other kinds of relationships have never worked out and you should know better by now." An even larger part of me screams "Coward. You're afraid. You hide behind excuses and failed romances that way you never have to run the risk of another broken heart. You're convinced that even by making friends, you're taking that same chance. Stop being such a wuss!"
I'm starting to think that the latter is the real reason. There are constant moments almost every day in which I think about love. I secretly wish to find someone to hold, to cuddle. I secretly wish to find someone to sit next to and never feel lonely. I secretly want to find happiness...genuine happiness. And every moment I have these desires, I brush them aside...only for them to come rushing back in greater frequency and intensity that makes me shut down and want to curl into a ball. There have even been nights when I've cried myself to sleep. God, I freeze up every time I try to change all of this. I feel so broken...so empty. Admitting that I have these thoughts makes me feel better, but at the same time, even worse.
I don't know where to begin. I don't even know how to begin to reclaim the part of me I discarded so long ago. I feel like a parent wanting to reconnect with and welcome back a disowned child. The healing needs to begin somewhere. Yet, all that comes to mind are the lyrics from the final stanza of Dolly Parton's "I Will Always Love You." Perhaps, i'll start here:
I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you, joy and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love.
So, for the time being, this song goes out to me...from me. Perhaps, tonight won't be so lonely after all...