Realizations/Venting
Sorry I've been away for so long. Every time I've tried to post on this infernal website over the past 3 weeks, internet explorer crashes the moment I try to post. Hopefully that's not going to happen tonight...
...by the way, anyone else been having the same problem described above?
Anyway, there have been some interesting events. One, Josh's boyfriend attempted to friend me on Facebook. I've nothing against the kid--taken me a while to realize that now--and his request brought to the surface a particularly nasty side of me. I was cold, unreasonably angry, contemptuous...and whatever suppressed rage had been intensifying since December had been set loose upon him. I've realized that my unresolved feelings towards Josh have been transposed onto this person. I've apologized to him and we've been civil since. I've no idea what to say about Josh, as I finally riddled him with an exhausted gatling gun's worth of bullets.
Frankly, I feel better. Certain things have not been resolved...and I don't think they ever will be. I feel like the darker sides of Sagittarius and Virgo have shared and are still sharing my existence. I knew just where to hit. I knew what would hurt. I confronted him. All he would do was withdraw, evade, or do both. He feels like what's done is done and that he's washed his hands of the past. He evaded my questions and my accusations back then--when the wounds were fresh--and he still does the same thing. I'm sorry, but honesty stings very much like an arrow lodged in the back. If he can't handle a few words, I don't know if he's worth my time.
I'm not resorting to profanity or anything. I want to have an intelligent conversation...but he just won't bite. He hides behind the most abstract of language. "I don't want to pluck at your heart strings..." "I don't need you rippling things back to a time that's now closed...." "I talk to you about this more when I have the time...." "I think your heart is in a place that's ready to talk..." It's been ready since December! Why can't be be direct? Straightforward and simple? To me, this serves as general disinterest on his part. He hates having serious conversations.
He still doesn't understand that I SEE with my heart. I FEEL with my heart. I ACT with my heart. I work from an emotional center. It's both my strength and weakness. It's easy for anybody to strike at certain emotional chords. Cliche, I know, but I wear my heart on my sleeve.
I knew I was about to loose that arrow and let it pierce him, yet I had some sort of a healing salve prepared to tend to the wound. I'm not without mercy. If we can't at least patch things up and end on a good note, I'll at least have some semblance of the closure I need.
I've been honest with him. I need peace of mind. I had to let him how how much I hurt. I let him know how strongly I desire to be healed. Though, I'm not doing this for myself. I need to get past this. He needs to get past this. Maybe if he didn't bottle his feelings up, as he's done for as long as I can remember, we wouldn't be at this junction. I'm also extending that proverbial olive branch to him for the final time.
I wish he would be honest with me. No, I want him to be honest with me.
...by the way, anyone else been having the same problem described above?
Anyway, there have been some interesting events. One, Josh's boyfriend attempted to friend me on Facebook. I've nothing against the kid--taken me a while to realize that now--and his request brought to the surface a particularly nasty side of me. I was cold, unreasonably angry, contemptuous...and whatever suppressed rage had been intensifying since December had been set loose upon him. I've realized that my unresolved feelings towards Josh have been transposed onto this person. I've apologized to him and we've been civil since. I've no idea what to say about Josh, as I finally riddled him with an exhausted gatling gun's worth of bullets.
Frankly, I feel better. Certain things have not been resolved...and I don't think they ever will be. I feel like the darker sides of Sagittarius and Virgo have shared and are still sharing my existence. I knew just where to hit. I knew what would hurt. I confronted him. All he would do was withdraw, evade, or do both. He feels like what's done is done and that he's washed his hands of the past. He evaded my questions and my accusations back then--when the wounds were fresh--and he still does the same thing. I'm sorry, but honesty stings very much like an arrow lodged in the back. If he can't handle a few words, I don't know if he's worth my time.
I'm not resorting to profanity or anything. I want to have an intelligent conversation...but he just won't bite. He hides behind the most abstract of language. "I don't want to pluck at your heart strings..." "I don't need you rippling things back to a time that's now closed...." "I talk to you about this more when I have the time...." "I think your heart is in a place that's ready to talk..." It's been ready since December! Why can't be be direct? Straightforward and simple? To me, this serves as general disinterest on his part. He hates having serious conversations.
He still doesn't understand that I SEE with my heart. I FEEL with my heart. I ACT with my heart. I work from an emotional center. It's both my strength and weakness. It's easy for anybody to strike at certain emotional chords. Cliche, I know, but I wear my heart on my sleeve.
I knew I was about to loose that arrow and let it pierce him, yet I had some sort of a healing salve prepared to tend to the wound. I'm not without mercy. If we can't at least patch things up and end on a good note, I'll at least have some semblance of the closure I need.
I've been honest with him. I need peace of mind. I had to let him how how much I hurt. I let him know how strongly I desire to be healed. Though, I'm not doing this for myself. I need to get past this. He needs to get past this. Maybe if he didn't bottle his feelings up, as he's done for as long as I can remember, we wouldn't be at this junction. I'm also extending that proverbial olive branch to him for the final time.
I wish he would be honest with me. No, I want him to be honest with me.