Sigh...
It's been a long week for me, so that would explain why I don't get online very often. Not much happened in term sof events and stuff, except for Mirabar last night. It was kinda disappointing, but fun at the same time. Only Jacqui and I went, since everyone else decided to go to Club Hell. I had a great time with Jacqui, but you know, it felt like an empty night. Got tired rather quickly, not to mention I've had this raspy cough courtesy of a swig of water that went down the wrong tube yesterday morning. Eh...maybe Friday's trip will be better.
Yesterday I also spent time with Josh, someone who I haven't physically spent time with in the past two months. He was the boy who kinda broke my heart in November, but that's another story (Feel free to scroll to earlier posts...you may get a glimpse into it). The whole heartbreak thing was actually for the better. More accurately, it was a wake-up call of sorts (like I said, scroll back on the LJ...).
Anyway, it was an interesting afternoon and evening. For the first time since October, it felt like we were just hanging out. Honestly, I don't think it was something I ever did with him. We talked, laughed, I brought him to YPI in Providence, swung by my house, went out to eat, etc. We watched some funny stuff and some anime. I so wanted to show Josh some Vicotr Borge clips from YouTube, but he can't stand theater/opera, despite the humor of the videos! So much for my attempts to get to know him outside of anime ^_^
Josh got to meet a few people, which I believe made him happy and feel more welcomed. I like having my friends meet my other friends. It means more to me than anyone could know. There were those who didn't like him, mainly becuase of what happened in November/December, but they had never actually met him or seen us physically interact. I'm glad I was able to cut through most of the negative feelings.
I've also discovered a few more things about myself.
You know, just from talking with Josh and Jacqui, I realized I'm not that big of a fan of anime/manga anymore. Yeah, yeah, I know I've had this on/off relationship with it for a while now...but it's not what it used to be. I can only watch so much of it for so long before I get bored. I don't really update my anime collection anymore, although Josh was nice enough to download a few series onto my external hard drive. I'm more into watching the realistic stuff nowadays. The L Word, Queer as Folk, Will & Grace, the ocassional Supernatural, Two and a Half Men...and so on. I tried getting Josh to watch the stuff I like, since I'm always watching the stuff he likes, but he just doesn't show any interest. I've invited him, along with others, to the Vagina Monolgues production at RIC on the 13th. We'll see how that goes...
The same goes for video games as well as role playing (D&D and the like). I don't mind them, but I get bored so easily with both of them. I can only last for so long before I just don't want to do it anymore. Sorry, my gaming friends, but I've moved too far away from them to go back. Even if I did, it wouldn't be the same.
I've become a bigtime slacker. Leaving homework to the last possible second, not caring about my schoolwork, putting leisure before labor, and the like. I was a driven person, but I spend my days, confused, asking myself what I want out of life. I spend an incerdible amount of time thinking about finding a boyfriend. But, there's some irony in that. I want one, yet I don't want one. Maybe it's the fear of having my heart broken again that's creating my indecisiveness. Maybe it's something deeper.
I used to be all gung-ho with college and the like, but I'm starting to get sick of it. Don't get me wrong--I love to learn! Senioritis has been loitering the past year and a half, on tp of that, I have another semester at RIC, so we'll see how that goes. Grad School doesn't appeal to me as much anymore. I'm seriously considering taking a year off after graduation...I need the time away. The time to get my life together and set my priorities.
I feel like I'm trying to take on the burdens of the world. I tend to worry about my friends, my problems, their problems, how I'm going to tackle some project, etc. I tend to go too far out of my way just to make somebody happy without caring about my needs. I can't stand disappointing someone. Yet, when it comes to my needs, I get grouchy when they're not satisfied. I become overly critical of myself, depression sets in, pessimism looms over my head like a cloud of angry mosquitoes...and no matter how hard I try to loosen up, my mood becomes proportionaly worse. From what I've seen/heard from others, I become unintentionally cold and distant. (Russ, is it because I'm a Virgo?)
Once again, I don't know who I am any more. Why do I become so introspective online, on this blog, when I can't find the means to express these feelings in person?
EDIT: I came back to this later, after having an odd moment of clarity--all this time, have I been trying to apologize to myself, never knowing how or where to begin?
Yesterday I also spent time with Josh, someone who I haven't physically spent time with in the past two months. He was the boy who kinda broke my heart in November, but that's another story (Feel free to scroll to earlier posts...you may get a glimpse into it). The whole heartbreak thing was actually for the better. More accurately, it was a wake-up call of sorts (like I said, scroll back on the LJ...).
Anyway, it was an interesting afternoon and evening. For the first time since October, it felt like we were just hanging out. Honestly, I don't think it was something I ever did with him. We talked, laughed, I brought him to YPI in Providence, swung by my house, went out to eat, etc. We watched some funny stuff and some anime. I so wanted to show Josh some Vicotr Borge clips from YouTube, but he can't stand theater/opera, despite the humor of the videos! So much for my attempts to get to know him outside of anime ^_^
Josh got to meet a few people, which I believe made him happy and feel more welcomed. I like having my friends meet my other friends. It means more to me than anyone could know. There were those who didn't like him, mainly becuase of what happened in November/December, but they had never actually met him or seen us physically interact. I'm glad I was able to cut through most of the negative feelings.
I've also discovered a few more things about myself.
You know, just from talking with Josh and Jacqui, I realized I'm not that big of a fan of anime/manga anymore. Yeah, yeah, I know I've had this on/off relationship with it for a while now...but it's not what it used to be. I can only watch so much of it for so long before I get bored. I don't really update my anime collection anymore, although Josh was nice enough to download a few series onto my external hard drive. I'm more into watching the realistic stuff nowadays. The L Word, Queer as Folk, Will & Grace, the ocassional Supernatural, Two and a Half Men...and so on. I tried getting Josh to watch the stuff I like, since I'm always watching the stuff he likes, but he just doesn't show any interest. I've invited him, along with others, to the Vagina Monolgues production at RIC on the 13th. We'll see how that goes...
The same goes for video games as well as role playing (D&D and the like). I don't mind them, but I get bored so easily with both of them. I can only last for so long before I just don't want to do it anymore. Sorry, my gaming friends, but I've moved too far away from them to go back. Even if I did, it wouldn't be the same.
I've become a bigtime slacker. Leaving homework to the last possible second, not caring about my schoolwork, putting leisure before labor, and the like. I was a driven person, but I spend my days, confused, asking myself what I want out of life. I spend an incerdible amount of time thinking about finding a boyfriend. But, there's some irony in that. I want one, yet I don't want one. Maybe it's the fear of having my heart broken again that's creating my indecisiveness. Maybe it's something deeper.
I used to be all gung-ho with college and the like, but I'm starting to get sick of it. Don't get me wrong--I love to learn! Senioritis has been loitering the past year and a half, on tp of that, I have another semester at RIC, so we'll see how that goes. Grad School doesn't appeal to me as much anymore. I'm seriously considering taking a year off after graduation...I need the time away. The time to get my life together and set my priorities.
I feel like I'm trying to take on the burdens of the world. I tend to worry about my friends, my problems, their problems, how I'm going to tackle some project, etc. I tend to go too far out of my way just to make somebody happy without caring about my needs. I can't stand disappointing someone. Yet, when it comes to my needs, I get grouchy when they're not satisfied. I become overly critical of myself, depression sets in, pessimism looms over my head like a cloud of angry mosquitoes...and no matter how hard I try to loosen up, my mood becomes proportionaly worse. From what I've seen/heard from others, I become unintentionally cold and distant. (Russ, is it because I'm a Virgo?)
Once again, I don't know who I am any more. Why do I become so introspective online, on this blog, when I can't find the means to express these feelings in person?
EDIT: I came back to this later, after having an odd moment of clarity--all this time, have I been trying to apologize to myself, never knowing how or where to begin?