coffee-lips, burn me.
lately, graduation, the idea of it, the ceremony, reminds me of my selfishness and all the attention i'm asking for by expecting my family to attend. and usually i don't want attention to myself because, oh all these words, it makes me feel selfish and guilty. maybe it'd be different if it wasn't an 8-10 hour trip for them, here and back home again. hours are the sacrifice, that rudeness i'm inclined to exude.
and the more i think about it, the ceremony itself is superfluous not to mention vainly and superficially based because i receive my diploma regardless of whether or not i walk across a stage in the gym to accept a 'fake diploma.'
i hardly know any people graduating because i've always been friends with older kids; now i'm friends with younger kids because my older kid friends have been gone for at least a few semesters. and the people i do know who are graduating are skipping out on the ceremony. i'm basing myself on how i fit or do not fit in with the actions of others ?
makes me feel demented and wish i hadn't expected my family to sacrifice their saturday afternoon just before mother's day.
but even if they'd listen to me if i want to cancel out, i can't fit all my things from my apartment in my car alone. their cars being in town was a help to driving all my 'possessions' back home. i'm feel so uncomfortable and like this stupidity i'm perpetuating is all my own doing.
i wish i'd fucking get a grip and stop being so selfish for once in my life. so much that i avoid is because i don't want to be selfish, yet i am, no matter what i do, it seems.
and what makes sense in my head is not necessarily likely (at all, really) to make sense in the heads of anyone who knows me or reads my words. but i know what i mean and i just wish i hadn't been such a pest. i wish i hadn't taken things so seriously up to this point because now i don't even want it anymore. i just want to go home early and start working at the garden center so i'm not in some mode of needing to be freaked out about how i am running low on cash while running my credit card bills up with my new car insurance payment of $300 (while i make $101 every two weeks...) and then that $800 some i still owe for the dental surgery i had in april.
so wasteful, so pointless.
if i'm this ungrateful for and incapable of life, i shouldn't be allowed its blessings. sometimes i wouldn't mind if something wiped me off of this earth in a quick smear, but i'm still unworthy because i am always hoping it'd all be sans much pain. i can't just grow up and be human.
it's a day made of self-disgust, maybe. a weekend of it. i want to be outside of myself. 22 years in this body, this brain, and i'm sick of it.