THE NIGHTS OF A THOUSAND DEATHS
Alright, I’m technically in class right now, but it’s an elective course I’m taking about dissection in the victorian age so I’ll go ahead and try and post a little about last weekend, or as I call it-
THE NIGHTS OF A THOUSAND DEATHS
Anyway, Friday afternoon my dissection went long, and so I jumped in the car immediately after and sped to Shelow’s without showering the dead guy smell off of me. BTW, Gross anatomy is awesome, it’s crazy the things they actually let me do. And you learn so much!
Anyway, traffic sucked and I foolishly took Route 30, so it took like 2.5 hours to get to shelows, and I got there right as they were about to leave, Shelow, Moyer and Glover, to Wal-mart. They jumped in the car and we headed to Walmart, where we proceeded to make fools of ourselves and Glover kept yelling “Stop smelling like a dead guy!” Also, we seemed to always make it that Moyer was stuck carrying all our groceries, and it was pretty hilarious. We went to the beer store and picked up a couple cases of Bud light (was it bud? I can’t remember) and then boogied our way back to Shelows to play some Hockey on the 360, and I got to shower and hang out a while. Shelow ordered some pizza, and when the doorbell rang I thought it was Dean and Sped, so I was going to answer the door and in my excitement yell “What’s up, my negro amigos?!” in excitement, but luckily Shelow beat me, and I didn’t yell that to the African American pizza delivery guy. Fate.
Dean and Sped showed up a little bit later, and I gave dean grief for hearing that he and Bonnie dresses up his dog in doggie clothes (and rightly so), and they immediately started yelling “Cut the Cord” to each other anytime they got a call or text from their respective girlfriends, which meant they said it all the time. We started partying that night, and unfortunately Moyer participated too. We had a good time just listening to music, playing some cards and videogames, and chilling until around midnight, when Glover fell asleep on the recliner, and soon after Shelow went to sleep in his bedroom. Now, Moyer started losing his mind, and pulled Glover off the recliner in his sleep, elbow dropped him, sat on the table and broke the front legs out of the body (not his fault), turned his beer can over and sprayed the couch/my blanket/my pants/me at 2 in the morning, started chucking cards and poker chips in the air and yelling “I’m making it rain!” and generally caused havoc. Now, I finally got to sleep around 330, and half an hour later woke up to moyer slapping dean and I and wailing on us with a sofa cushion. Being startled awake like that made my back go into spasms, so I was really pissed. Now, until about 430 in the morning Moyer kept talking and yelling, so finally Dean and I got fed up and kept screaming at him to shut the hell up, and I finally got to the point where I was ready to beat the shit out of him if he didn’t shut up, which then prompted him to say “If you hurt me, you’re a doctor and you would have to fix me…Would you fix me?” and just kept repeating “would you fix me” about a hundred times. He must have gotten the hint, because right as I was about to run across the room and start decking him, he went “I’m hungry! You guys are boring! I’m leaving” and put on his shoes and just walked out the door! Shelow tried to talk him out of it (Shelow had gotten up a million times to see how much we (moyer) had trashed his apartment and what the hell all the ruckus was), and tried to tell Moyer he was too drunk to leave, but Dean and I were just psyched that he was leaving.
So, about 3 hours later, Shelow gets a call from Moyer on his spirit journey, saying that he had just walked and walked and he was at some Sheetz somewhere and needed Shelow to go get him. So Shelow went, and for some reason we got up and stayed awake, and Moyer got back still bombed out of his mind. Moyer wanted to watch the Penn State game, and I spent the next morning trying to convince him that I was still super pissed at him and was rethinking whether I wanted to still ever be friends with him (I do, but it was close). There were lots of funny moments in the early night, though, like when we tried to play the Blue Monster at Doral on the 360 (where I played this summer) but Moyer was so drunk and bad that everyone else just quit rather than wait him out. Also, at one point, Moyer was on my left and dean on my right, and I turned to Dean while moyer was listening and said “Hey Dean, what did the five fingers say to Moyer’s face? SLAP!” and without turning at all just blindly struck out with my left hand and slapped the shit out of moyer’s face, right at the edge of my reach. It was hilarious, and the look on his face was worth it. I should have just punched him and ended the night there. We left Moyer around noon and Shelow took us to his school, and on the way told us to “not bag-tag him, because I live here and I don’t want people to get the wrong idea.” I still don’t even know what he meant. I didn’t know we still bag tagged each other in public.
Of course, we get to the school and Shelow gives me directions that involved 183 straight “veer right” directions and then down into death valley and into the school. He points me the way to go, and then as I’m driving down the road over speed bumps he says “Oh, it’s illegal the way you just went.” He kept doing it over the weekend, including on Sunday when I turned left out of a parking lot he chose, got into the main lane and kept driving, only to hear him say “Hey, you weren’t allowed to turn left where you just turned. It’s against the law” after I had already done it!
Anyway, we got into the school, and there were some student groups and parents doing sports and activities, and Shelow told us to be cool and relax so of course Sped in the back seat got into some argument and screamed “Fuck!” at the top ofhis lungs with the windows down, about 20 feet from some kids. We also passed a group of junior high softball players and he muttered “Bunch of fucking dykes down there,” loud enough for all of us (but not them, thankfully) to hear. We weren’t allowed in the building because Shelow was afraid we would tear down the walls, so we watched some guy go into the endless cornfields that surround the school, take a dump, and come back out, and imagined endless chinese hoards come belting out of the corn and woods to attempt a mainland assault on America. We grabbed a few balls and played around for a while, including some retarded pit-ball game that we obviously didn’t understand (elementary games are beyond our lev el) and dean stepped on a hypodermic needle in his sandals (really a bur, but I told him not to wear sandals) and we got out of there and went to Chick fil A, and ate way too much, and so began the beginning of the end with Sped’s purchase of two extra sandwiches for later that night. Ohhhhhhh….
Anyway, we headed back to the place, where Moyer was still drunk but at least had calmed down a little, and we watched some football and hung out for a while. I think we showered too, and kept laughing over the fact that Shelow had fashioned his soap into a primitive prison shiv, it was hilarious, thick at one end and thin and tapering to a point at the other. We then decidedto go to the par three golf course in the area, which was funny for many different reasons but fun on the whole. Sped got off to a rough start and blew his chances to win, whereas the rest of us just took some time to adjust to the reasonably short but sloping course, and Dean and I ended up tying over 18. The best part of the day (and possibly the weekend) was when Sped and I went to the stream, and saw some balls, and we got my retriever and reached some, but then Sped wanted one that was out of reach.
He hopped on this rock next to the bank, and then to get within range he did this little skip to another rock, but that one was unstead so his shoe went in the water for a second before he could get back on the rock. He got the ball and threw me the retriver, and we then all stood and watched him look at his route back.
Some how, we all knew that what was about to happen was going to be hilarious, and we stood and watched as he practiced his jump onto the near rock, which was small and rounded at the top. He took this lurching Mckibbin jump and landed with one foot on the rock, which promptly tipped and dumped him into the water, about half a foot deep. He jumped up right away, going “Oh! OH oh OH!” was soaked along his pants and the right side of his body. We all immediately started cracking up and losing it, it was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen, and it only made him more salty than before.
Later on the course was this disgusting pond of scum, alligators and dead bodies, and you had to walk across this Temple of Doom wooden plank bridge to reach it, and we were all terrified that we’d fall/get pushed in, especially me because Moyer had spent all afternoon bugging me because he was still drunk and knew I was still pissed at him, especially after he thought it would be funny to spit on the back of my ankles while I was walking down the course. So we all made sure no one was near us when wlaking over the bridge, and I almost accidentally knocked Shelow in at the bank when I was talking with big hand gesticulations and he ran beside me to get past.
We finished up the golf, and decided to grab some quick Wendy’s for dinner, and Shelow Glover and I got into a heated discussion of Christina Aguilera’s boobs (we’re all in favor) and I read Juicy B. Jones, a sneaky peeky weekly story with terrible grammar that I threw out thewindow of Shelow’s car and made Glover retrieve, before throwing it in Dean’s car.
We went back to Shelow’s place, and I’m gonna cut the story off here and pick it up some other time, cause this seems like a good place to break. If I forgot anything (and I’m sure I only got about half) let me know.
THE NIGHTS OF A THOUSAND DEATHS
Anyway, Friday afternoon my dissection went long, and so I jumped in the car immediately after and sped to Shelow’s without showering the dead guy smell off of me. BTW, Gross anatomy is awesome, it’s crazy the things they actually let me do. And you learn so much!
Anyway, traffic sucked and I foolishly took Route 30, so it took like 2.5 hours to get to shelows, and I got there right as they were about to leave, Shelow, Moyer and Glover, to Wal-mart. They jumped in the car and we headed to Walmart, where we proceeded to make fools of ourselves and Glover kept yelling “Stop smelling like a dead guy!” Also, we seemed to always make it that Moyer was stuck carrying all our groceries, and it was pretty hilarious. We went to the beer store and picked up a couple cases of Bud light (was it bud? I can’t remember) and then boogied our way back to Shelows to play some Hockey on the 360, and I got to shower and hang out a while. Shelow ordered some pizza, and when the doorbell rang I thought it was Dean and Sped, so I was going to answer the door and in my excitement yell “What’s up, my negro amigos?!” in excitement, but luckily Shelow beat me, and I didn’t yell that to the African American pizza delivery guy. Fate.
Dean and Sped showed up a little bit later, and I gave dean grief for hearing that he and Bonnie dresses up his dog in doggie clothes (and rightly so), and they immediately started yelling “Cut the Cord” to each other anytime they got a call or text from their respective girlfriends, which meant they said it all the time. We started partying that night, and unfortunately Moyer participated too. We had a good time just listening to music, playing some cards and videogames, and chilling until around midnight, when Glover fell asleep on the recliner, and soon after Shelow went to sleep in his bedroom. Now, Moyer started losing his mind, and pulled Glover off the recliner in his sleep, elbow dropped him, sat on the table and broke the front legs out of the body (not his fault), turned his beer can over and sprayed the couch/my blanket/my pants/me at 2 in the morning, started chucking cards and poker chips in the air and yelling “I’m making it rain!” and generally caused havoc. Now, I finally got to sleep around 330, and half an hour later woke up to moyer slapping dean and I and wailing on us with a sofa cushion. Being startled awake like that made my back go into spasms, so I was really pissed. Now, until about 430 in the morning Moyer kept talking and yelling, so finally Dean and I got fed up and kept screaming at him to shut the hell up, and I finally got to the point where I was ready to beat the shit out of him if he didn’t shut up, which then prompted him to say “If you hurt me, you’re a doctor and you would have to fix me…Would you fix me?” and just kept repeating “would you fix me” about a hundred times. He must have gotten the hint, because right as I was about to run across the room and start decking him, he went “I’m hungry! You guys are boring! I’m leaving” and put on his shoes and just walked out the door! Shelow tried to talk him out of it (Shelow had gotten up a million times to see how much we (moyer) had trashed his apartment and what the hell all the ruckus was), and tried to tell Moyer he was too drunk to leave, but Dean and I were just psyched that he was leaving.
So, about 3 hours later, Shelow gets a call from Moyer on his spirit journey, saying that he had just walked and walked and he was at some Sheetz somewhere and needed Shelow to go get him. So Shelow went, and for some reason we got up and stayed awake, and Moyer got back still bombed out of his mind. Moyer wanted to watch the Penn State game, and I spent the next morning trying to convince him that I was still super pissed at him and was rethinking whether I wanted to still ever be friends with him (I do, but it was close). There were lots of funny moments in the early night, though, like when we tried to play the Blue Monster at Doral on the 360 (where I played this summer) but Moyer was so drunk and bad that everyone else just quit rather than wait him out. Also, at one point, Moyer was on my left and dean on my right, and I turned to Dean while moyer was listening and said “Hey Dean, what did the five fingers say to Moyer’s face? SLAP!” and without turning at all just blindly struck out with my left hand and slapped the shit out of moyer’s face, right at the edge of my reach. It was hilarious, and the look on his face was worth it. I should have just punched him and ended the night there. We left Moyer around noon and Shelow took us to his school, and on the way told us to “not bag-tag him, because I live here and I don’t want people to get the wrong idea.” I still don’t even know what he meant. I didn’t know we still bag tagged each other in public.
Of course, we get to the school and Shelow gives me directions that involved 183 straight “veer right” directions and then down into death valley and into the school. He points me the way to go, and then as I’m driving down the road over speed bumps he says “Oh, it’s illegal the way you just went.” He kept doing it over the weekend, including on Sunday when I turned left out of a parking lot he chose, got into the main lane and kept driving, only to hear him say “Hey, you weren’t allowed to turn left where you just turned. It’s against the law” after I had already done it!
Anyway, we got into the school, and there were some student groups and parents doing sports and activities, and Shelow told us to be cool and relax so of course Sped in the back seat got into some argument and screamed “Fuck!” at the top ofhis lungs with the windows down, about 20 feet from some kids. We also passed a group of junior high softball players and he muttered “Bunch of fucking dykes down there,” loud enough for all of us (but not them, thankfully) to hear. We weren’t allowed in the building because Shelow was afraid we would tear down the walls, so we watched some guy go into the endless cornfields that surround the school, take a dump, and come back out, and imagined endless chinese hoards come belting out of the corn and woods to attempt a mainland assault on America. We grabbed a few balls and played around for a while, including some retarded pit-ball game that we obviously didn’t understand (elementary games are beyond our lev el) and dean stepped on a hypodermic needle in his sandals (really a bur, but I told him not to wear sandals) and we got out of there and went to Chick fil A, and ate way too much, and so began the beginning of the end with Sped’s purchase of two extra sandwiches for later that night. Ohhhhhhh….
Anyway, we headed back to the place, where Moyer was still drunk but at least had calmed down a little, and we watched some football and hung out for a while. I think we showered too, and kept laughing over the fact that Shelow had fashioned his soap into a primitive prison shiv, it was hilarious, thick at one end and thin and tapering to a point at the other. We then decidedto go to the par three golf course in the area, which was funny for many different reasons but fun on the whole. Sped got off to a rough start and blew his chances to win, whereas the rest of us just took some time to adjust to the reasonably short but sloping course, and Dean and I ended up tying over 18. The best part of the day (and possibly the weekend) was when Sped and I went to the stream, and saw some balls, and we got my retriever and reached some, but then Sped wanted one that was out of reach.
He hopped on this rock next to the bank, and then to get within range he did this little skip to another rock, but that one was unstead so his shoe went in the water for a second before he could get back on the rock. He got the ball and threw me the retriver, and we then all stood and watched him look at his route back.
Some how, we all knew that what was about to happen was going to be hilarious, and we stood and watched as he practiced his jump onto the near rock, which was small and rounded at the top. He took this lurching Mckibbin jump and landed with one foot on the rock, which promptly tipped and dumped him into the water, about half a foot deep. He jumped up right away, going “Oh! OH oh OH!” was soaked along his pants and the right side of his body. We all immediately started cracking up and losing it, it was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen, and it only made him more salty than before.
Later on the course was this disgusting pond of scum, alligators and dead bodies, and you had to walk across this Temple of Doom wooden plank bridge to reach it, and we were all terrified that we’d fall/get pushed in, especially me because Moyer had spent all afternoon bugging me because he was still drunk and knew I was still pissed at him, especially after he thought it would be funny to spit on the back of my ankles while I was walking down the course. So we all made sure no one was near us when wlaking over the bridge, and I almost accidentally knocked Shelow in at the bank when I was talking with big hand gesticulations and he ran beside me to get past.
We finished up the golf, and decided to grab some quick Wendy’s for dinner, and Shelow Glover and I got into a heated discussion of Christina Aguilera’s boobs (we’re all in favor) and I read Juicy B. Jones, a sneaky peeky weekly story with terrible grammar that I threw out thewindow of Shelow’s car and made Glover retrieve, before throwing it in Dean’s car.
We went back to Shelow’s place, and I’m gonna cut the story off here and pick it up some other time, cause this seems like a good place to break. If I forgot anything (and I’m sure I only got about half) let me know.