Life
so i haven't written in here in months, but i have a lot to say and no one to listen, so i remembered the LJ steez. Basically, I have fallen. I have turned my back on every friend and family member that ever gave me the time of day. Is this all my fault? What ever happened to the happiness and innocence of existence? How do you climb back up once you've lost everything you ever loved? When there was bad times, I could always turn to someone for help and reassurance, and now all I can do is turn the headphones up. I've fallen out of touch, and fallen deeper in to music and art. Now this is a good thing in a way i suppose, but as the saying goes, it's lonely at the top. Unfortunately in my case, I'm not even at the top. So it's lonely at the bottom. I just want someone to understand me. My deep rooted hate for my ex-roommate was never understood. I came out as the asshole because his fakeness and lies prevailed in misleading everyone i called a friend, which in turn caused me to alienate myself because my anger ran so deep that i could do nothing but talk about how much i hated him and every thing he did. So then i became just as bad as he was. What a pathetic few months i've led. How can i be so angry at a person that i would spend so much time showing my disproval. Someone once told me how she thought that I could see people for who they truly are. This has become my downfall. I saw this person for who he truly was when no one else did, and no one understood why i had such anger in me. I've never been an angry person and i've never had anger in my heart that simply wouldn't go away and i don't know how to put it to a stop. How is it possible that just in the last few months, i have alienated so many, and been alienated by so many. I've lost so many close friends over the stupidest shit that is just meaningless in life. How is it that long term friendships are just over without a word being said about anything? Have i really become so blind to reality that I have nowhere to turn anymore? Where is my shoulder to cry on? Who do I have to confide in? Everything has fallen, and there is no ressurection. What's lost is lost, and there is no clean slate. Unfortunately, I can't blame myself for everything. I put so much into friendships, I try my hardest to make everyone happy, and I do all that i can to please people, and i just get shit on. Nobody takes me seriously. I give and give and give, and no one will give back. People use me every day. I give them what they want, and then they throw it in my face. Where is the gratitude? If I spend money for someone, I don't ever expect to have the money back, I just expect that person to be greatful that i have done them this favor. There's never been a worse feeling than betrayal by someone you truly trust. There were so many people that i would do absolutely anything for, and those people tried to stab me in the back, but it was too much work, so eventually they just stab me in the chest because it's less work for them to sneak around behind my back.
i have more.
mabye later.
i have more.
mabye later.