Update?
This is writing for the sake of writing. If I had known this is where'd i'd be 3 months ago, I would've just stayed home, never gotten bold, never done anything differently. I'd rather be quietly discontent with a decent situation than miserable with a shitty situation. I didn't ask for this, I didn't want this, I don't even know how all this happened. What irks me about it is that it's so clear what I could have done. Mistakes have been abound recently, it seems. I've taken to drowning myself in comics and cigarettes, but no amount of super heroes or nicotine seems to do much. She's still always at the back of my mind.
That's not to say I haven't come to terms with things.
I understand why i'm where I am, I just don't understand why it can't change. I guess some things are just unforgiveable. I'm not a bad person though. I just make mistakes, just like everyone else. I feel like somehow i've been dealt the bad card. And maybe I have. Hurting people is never easy, and it's never something I do on purpose. In that sense, i've dealt myself the bad card. No, I don't think this is all my fault. I think that there are alot of things on both our parts that could have been done differently. I'll take full responsibility for what I did, I do, I have, and I will. I just wish that somehow I could prove to her...someone, that this wasn't what I wanted. This was never planned out, this was never a sure thing. And no matter how many times I say it, or no matter what I do, I understand that my actions and words are totally negated because I was scared.
This is vague, and I won't go into detail. This is writing for the sake of writing.
What it comes down to though is this; i've never been so scared before in my life. Not only because i've lost my center of gravity, but because i'm starting to realize how I operate, and i'm turning into someone that I never ever wanted to be. Of course, i'm making steps to change all that, but after years of actions without thought, is there really all that much that can be done? It's difficult to evaluate these sort of things because you never actually see them for what they are. It takes alot of insight and self analysis to really discover what's at the core of ones self. And self analysis rarely ends well, as i've come to realize. In any situation. Then, now. I think it's nessecary though. But I guess what counts is how you deal with it. I'm not running away anymore, i'm not taking things out on other people, i'm not blowing off bullshit and steam for the sake of it. I'm learning to listen, i'm learning to talk, and i'm learning to get my thoughts out of the way before I put them into transit. But I wish there was more I could say, more than I could do. I'm trying to get out more, i'm trying to make new friends. I'm trying to see other people. But it's just so hard to let this go. It's so hard to accept it and move on. Because i'm trying, i'm doing things, and i'm fixing it for myself. I just don't think that's enough for everyone else. She's made it very clear that it's not. And I don't know how to prove anyone wrong anymore. So i'm just running with it. And I hope things work. I hope that somehow this turns around into a growing experience. It already had. I was just so ready to grow more with someone. With someone important, someone special, and someone whom I love.
But I guess it's sort of something I have to do on my own now. And i'm going to do just that.