The light streamed into the room and with it came the reminder that it was morning now and another day. It rarely mattered what time of the day it was anymore when he had nowhere to go but it didn't keep him from looking at the pool of light in a state of expectancy. There were points after waking where he expected something to be different, as if
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Resentment dulled the edges of their relationship. Routine was a wearying, wearing thing and the motion of carrying Matt from the bed to the wheelchair had become practiced and familiar. It was one stasis to another, going from being unmoving on the bed to unmoving in the chair and as far as Leon could see there was little difference between the two, but he supposed it was Matt's point of view that mattered. Sometimes he thought of lifting the man and carrying him out of their apartment, strapping him into the car and taking him someplace vastly distant from the wreck of their lives here, someplace he never had to take hands off of him at all, but there were dreams and then there was reality here, where every aspect of this man's life depended on him and it felt as though it were eating him alive.
He settled him into the wheelchair, kneeling to tuck feet against the footrests and his arms at his sides. "Where do you want to go?" He asked the question as though it mattered, as though there was something new to see in any of the rooms they inhabited. As he rose his hand went briefly to Matt's hip. It ran up his side and he could feel his thinness, the weight he was losing, his ribs stark beneath his fingers. "You need to eat something."
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The fact that he hadn't left the apartment since he'd been released was driving him insane. But going out to eat was a bigger step than he was ready for so he shrugged at Leon's words before deciding, "We could stop to pick up food. You can order it on the way and drive around until it's ready." He wouldn't have to leave the car, really, he just wanted to leave the apartment. The way Leon had left the night before infected him with a restlessness he couldn't ease by moving from room to room.
The catheter was close to Leon's hand and he wondered if it made Leon's skin crawl too, when he attempted to draw close. He felt like he was still caught in the hands of some dream, wishing to lean in and tear at Leon's lips with his teeth. He hated every touch that wasn't meant to excite or fill him with lust because it did regardless and it left him feeling so fucking wanton. Nothing about their relationship was spontaneous anymore but it didn't make him stop wanting it to be. "Or, we could stay here and you could just touch me. I need you more." Than the food, he meant. It wasn't an apology but he still wanted the words to draw the other man closer while he moved as far as he could to reach him. "Kiss me."
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He stood and looked at him for a drawn-out moment after Matt said to kiss him. There was a temptation in the way he sat there unmoving and unable to pull away from anything Leon might want to do with him. It was easy to bring desire out of him and his hand moved into his hair again after a few moments, threading through the strands to tilt his head up. "I want to touch you," he told him but he didn't bend to kiss him. It was hard to resist the urge to do it, to obey that request and cover Matt's mouth with his but something in him still wanted to punish the man and he caressed his hair and his cheek with gentle fingers. "But I want you to touch me too." His thumb moved over Matt's lips and he parted the lower from the upper. This was about the only way the man could touch him, anymore.
He leaned down and brushed their mouths together, very briefly. It was a tease and he straightened a moment later and kept holding Matt with one hand against his cheek while the other went to undo his belts. "I want you to touch my cock. Make me want you." They were a little cruel, those words, but the truth was that he wanted this man all the time, even like this. Even angry with him, even resenting him, he still wanted him and it was more sometimes than he could take.
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He felt it in his words though and it was enough to make him flinch. The caresses were like an attempt to soothe the ache of what Leon said away and he thought of closing his teeth over the man's thumb when it ran over his lips but he stayed still and stiff in the seat while Leon leaned close to tempt him with the light touch of his mouth. It wasn't enough and he attempted to press Leon into staying but he couldn't follow when the man pulled away.
Watching the way the belt were undone, he said, "You want me either way," knowing that his body wouldn't react to this the way it had before, but it didn't stop his mind from finding it attractive. "I don't have to touch you for you to want me." He propelled himself from the chair, shaking off the hand holding him still to lean in and press his mouth to the shape of Leon's dick and lick it over the man's pants. "It doesn't mean I don't want to though," he murmured, teeth dragging over the fabric as he mock bit at the pants. An angry form of hunger existed for contact between them and it felt worse when he didn't obtain it. His face dragged unsteadily against Leon's groin, teeth pulling on the button as if to tear it off.
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He pushed Matt back to the chair and took a step away from him, out of his reach, to finish opening his pants because no matter how the man tried he wouldn't accomplish it with just his teeth. It was tempting to let him try, though, to leave his fingers caught in his hair while he tried to wrestle open buttons and zipper and feel his need like a force to take him over. "You're still a whore for me," he told the man and the words were a kind of endearment. He pulled his cock out of his pants to stroke it, stepping in again, catching his chin in his other hand to pull it up for a kiss. "And I'm a whore for you. I wish you could fuck me. I'd bend over that bed on my knees and beg you to put your cock in me and use me like you used to."
He straightened and caught a handful of Matt's hair again to drag his face forward. "I miss the way you degraded me when you were in a mood to resent me." Now it was him degrading this man, smearing the head of his cock over his lips, against his cheeks. "We don't have anywhere to go now. It's just you hating me."
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He still licked the man's cock when it rubbed against his lips though, turning his head to follow when Leon dragged it over his cheek. The pull of Leon's fingers in his hair was a constant reminder of how it was to be twisted in everything about this man and he wanted so fucking much that he didn't know how this could progress with its dragging days and unresolved problems. He kissed along the length of Leon's dick as far as he could with the grip in his hair and stopped. "I don't hate you. I hate that I can't touch you and that we're stuck like this." He didn't quite dislike the way the injury had familiarized Leon with every base thing about him, there was something attractive about there being no boundaries between their bodies, even if his mind still held itself aloof. What he disliked was that it'd been forced and how there was nothing about it he could control.
His face neared Leon's opened pants and he licked along the man's erection toward the base before rubbing against the man's pubic hair to feel it against his skin, struggling back. "You could make me hard and fuck yourself on me. Stretch me out on the floor and do it so I can watch my dick move inside of you." It wasn't the same but then nothing ever was and he'd always liked to make Leon fuck himself on him. His mouth closed over the head of the man's cock and he sucked on him lightly, letting go to lick up his spit before taking back into his mouth and sucking him further inside it.
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His eyes closed, his fingers tightened in Matt's hair as the man took him into his mouth. He did want to fuck himself on him but he was almost afraid to, wondering if he would discover that it was like fucking himself on a toy or a doll and it was twisted to think of Matt in those terms but it was impossible to keep it from crossing his mind. Even when fucking him still felt warm and alive and feeling the man's helplessness, his inability to pull away from how deeply Leon wanted to push his cock inside of him made him ache with how good it was. He wondered sometimes what kind of man he was that he could get pleasure from something like that. "I'd rather fuck you," he admitted to the man, breathless with the way he was taking his dick deeper, resisting the urge to shove his hips forward and fuck his mouth. "I like the way you moan when I do it. I like making you tell me how you want it and then making you wait for me to give it to you."
Maybe it was no wonder there were times the man hated him. He eased his hips forward shallowly, making him take him a little deeper into his mouth and he told him, "Make me come in your mouth and maybe then I'll fuck myself on you. Or maybe I'll change my mind and make myself hard again and put you over the pillows while I fuck you. You always make me want to get so fucking deep in you."
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Pulling back, he sucked along Leon's cock, not able to make it as far down as he wanted but he licked at Leon's stomach rather than his prick the second time around. He wanted Leon to fester under his skin, to take him into him in a way that the man would never leave, but he also wanted to breathe.
"I hate waiting but then so do you." His tongue slid over Leon's erection again and he rubbed his cheek against it after to feel it rub against his skin. "It just doesn't feel like you want me bad enough if you're capable of holding back." It was exhausting to draw himself back, to struggle back into the chair and look up at Leon. "I'm not going to suck you off. I don't want you to come before I do." It was selfishness that said that, yeah, but it was easy to be selfish. He wanted to be completely selfish and force Leon to degrade himself the way Matt couldn't do for him but Leon's words were still angry and stinging inside his head.
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"I'm not going to fuck myself on you, then. And I'm not going to fuck you, either." Not yet, anyway. It would always end there but for the moment Leon only held his cheek a moment longer while he tucked his cock back into his pants, did up the fastenings and the belts. Then he let go and walked away.
He wasn't going far, only to the living room to turn on the TV and open one of the windows, checking the weather through both simultaneously; when they went out Matt needed more covering than he did because the man was wasting away to a skeleton and he didn't want to risk illness. But it was warm, unseasonably today and the sun was hot and he thought it could be risked without bundling the man into layers. He didn't know where he wanted to take him; maybe he really did mean to drive away with him into forever, and he came back into the bedroom a few minutes later after collecting some things, some cash out of their drawers and Matt's medications and their keys, and he lifted the man out of his chair without telling him what he meant to do with him. Matt was an easy weight to gather into his arms and when he was holding him he paused to brush his mouth against the side of his face. There were extra medical supplies in the car. He gave the man his catheter bag to hold, as he usually did when carrying him from place to place, and he didn't say anything at all as he carried him out of the apartment, downstairs to the car parked outside on the street.
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He heard the television start and stared blankly at the wall. It felt impossible, being left alone like this after all the insinuations, even though he knew Leon was still nearby and that he wouldn't be gone for long. It didn't stop his shoulders from catching tension and he disliked his own expectations of people badly enough to keep still. He couldn't hear Leon well enough, the walls weren't thin enough for it, and the noise from the television masked his movements until Leon appeared at the door and came to take him in his arms again. "What are you-" Leon's lips against his face distracted him and the catheter bag left on top of him was barely glanced at before he looked at Leon again, everything feeling too coiled up tightly. They were moving out of the apartment and he attempted to shift in the man's grip. "Where are we going?"
There wasn't any answer and he waited out the silence while Leon took him to the car. The few neighbors outside were already familiar enough with them that they didn't do more than glance while he was carried past into the sun kissed streets and placed into the warm car, the sound of cars and voices feeling almost harsh after the sterilized quiet of their apartment. "Where are we going," he repeated.
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He came around to the driver's side and slid into place. The engine started with a tinny buzz and he rolled down the windows before easing away from the curb and into the street. The feeling of leaving something behind, maybe for good, persisted with him but he didn't care about their home, didn't care if they never came back to this place, as long as he was taking this man with him. They could go anywhere and it wouldn't matter; he had enough money to keep them, for a while at least. He had meant to head in the direction of downtown, circle around the streets for a while as he figured out what he wanted to do, but he found himself going the opposite way, getting on the main road out of the city once they'd left their neighborhood. For a while he drove in silence and didn't answer Matt again, as buildings and homes fell away from them and began to space out between open stretches of landscape.
"I've been thinking about this for a while," he told the man at last, quietly, his eyes on the road ahead. "Taking you away. Going someplace no one else will ever see you." One hand stayed on the wheel. The other reached into Matt's lap and he found the shape of his cock and felt it out with his fingers, rubbing slowly. "I don't want you to have any choice but to depend on me for everything. It doesn't matter if you hate me for it in the end. Just as long as you need me."
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He glanced down at the way Leon rubbed at his dick and how the man made everything so easy. Leaving home and letting Leon drive them wherever the road would lead didn't seem as difficult as it had a second ago and he could have looked away but he wished he could catch Leon's hand and rub himself all over it instead. The fact that he couldn't was an itch and it distracted him too much from what the point was. If there was a point when their lives weren't going anywhere and it might not have really mattered if they stayed or left.
"Stop the car and get both your hands on me," Matt told him. "If you're going to take me away, let's at least fuck first." He didn't know if he was trying to use it as a way to buy time to change Leon's mind or not. Their apartment wasn't really worth thinking twice about but it was theirs at least.
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"I'm not going to fuck you on the side of the road," he told the man evenly, although he kept fondling his cock and his balls through the fabric of his pants. Eventually he undid fastenings and eased them open and slid his hand inside to wrap around his bare skin. It was a marvel to him that Matt could still get hard. That he could still feel, that he could feel Leon's fingers jerking him off as he drove, the motions easy, his hand keeping up the rhythm until he didn't have to think about it anymore. He hadn't realized how much he had wanted this, how easier it was to breathe. Just the road and the car and this man and he take him anywhere, anywhere at all that he might want to go.
"We'll keep going until we're tired." His voice was still steady. His thumb rubbed over the head of Matt's dick, stroking idle circles around the intrusion of the catheter. "Then we'll find a room for the night and I'll take care of you."
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The temptation to tell him he was tired now crossed his mind but Leon knew his limitations and he would know it wasn't true. So he held his tongue for a few minutes and pretended not to care despite the fact that Leon could read him like an open book and it was impossible for him to hide anything from him. Last night, after all those words had been left hard and between them, he hadn't been able to pretend that, exaggeration or not, he didn't mean them too.
"Stop for food at least," he told Leon. Matt rarely felt hunger much these days but that was besides the point. "Even if it's at a gas station, just stop somewhere." There was a pause, seconds clawing back to their feet to disappear, and he could feel irritation but it came from selfish reasons. "You've never had problems with fucking me on the side of the road before," he pointed out, ignoring the fact that before was also before the shooting and before he was left completely useless. It made him wonder sometimes how Leon could still want him at all. "Don't make me hard if you're not going to do anything about it."
The way it was still early and they were still so close to the city they lived in only made him feel his desire to have Leon's hands all over him more and he felt too helpless against it.
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When he did stop later, for gas and for food, it was to bully the man into eating what he brought back to the car before they got on the road again. Self-denial was torturous and he could have stopped anywhere to pull this man astride his lap and push his dick inside him and fuck him and fuck him until he couldn't take any more, but he drove endlessly through the day and kept them both wanting. He didn't understand this single-minded desire to leave behind the place they had been. It haunted him, it kept him going, almost unspeaking through the hours but when the sun finally started to set the thought came that this was enough for one day and he looked for a place to stop for the night.
The motel he picked looked the same as any other they'd past along the side of the road. As long as it had a clean enough bed it would do. "I'll be right back," he told Matt after he'd parked. Inside the lobby he got the keys to a room and went back to the car for Matt, to lift him out of the seat for the first time since that morning and carry him bridal-style to the room, and he didn't care about the glances they were given, the strangers watching. He shut the door behind them and closed them all out.
When he laid Matt down on the bed he could only think of how vulnerable he looked, how thin and pale, and something was swelling in the closed room and pressing out to the corners, a lust that wanted to consume him alive. His hand fit against his hip. "I'm going to run a bath for you."
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The way he was pulled into the man's arms was too familiar these day and it was easy to ignore the strangers watching them when they meant shit. His irritation was harder to maintain like this, his eyes sweeping up to Leon's face while the man carried him to their room. He looked too much like an invalid for anyone to think he were some kind of bride being carried over the threshold.
He felt more self conscious while stretched out on the bed under Leon's eyes than he had felt outdoors. Everything about their drive seemed to sweep into the room with them, the unfulfilled need and restlessness. "Okay." He didn't bother arguing, the thought of being left to lie on the bed worse than having Leon drag this out for longer with touches that weren't enough. "You didn't bring anything to change into, did you?" he asked, already knowing Leon hadn't. He'd seen the things the man had taken with them. He was still wearing last night's clothes though and he felt like picking at how reckless this departure had been until it bled. "I don't even have any shoes on."
He didn't need them either but that wasn't the point. Being left without anything he owned made him uneasy, more dependent on this man to get everything for him than he had been before. Leon's earlier words came back and he looked away rather than watch Leon move into the bathroom.
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