[Oneshot] Silent Whispers
Title: Silent Whispers
Rating: PG || Genre: Drama/ Romance || Chapters: 1
Pairing(s): YooSu
Basic Synopsis: Junsu thinks that everything bad is fated to happen to him, making his life miserable. It's only when someone shows him otherwise that he understands that there's more to life than he could ever think of.
Silence is all he’ll ever hear.
He was sure about it: silence had be his favourite word out of them all. It was such a hateful word and yet how did he come to love it so much?
Maybe out of habit, he thought.
Sometimes Junsu wondered why didn’t people listen to what others had to say and he often mused to himself thinking that if he could ever be granted the opportunity to wish for something big, he’d ask for a noisy world even if that meant countless and sleepless nights.
He wasn’t someone who was depressed though.
Being sad, pessimistic, revolted, angry, yelling and crying his eyes and his heart out… he’d been there, done that and although it did relieve him momentarily, it did not solve a thing so he decided to give up on showing people his weak side because the last thing that he wanted (or needed) was people’s pity.
Junsu loved music. To listen to it that is, because despite his efforts, playing an instrument or singing in tune was completely out of his abilities. Nonetheless, music was a part of him; it made him happy and sad (in a good way); it made him laugh and cry. So, when his head started spinning every now and then and the headaches got stronger, making him hear a buzz that gradually got louder than the music he loved to listen to, he got worried.
The next thing he knew, he was sitting on a chair, talking to a tall and slender guy wearing a white coat reeking to antiseptic which made Junsu think that the guy must have been bathing in a tin of it for his entire life.
After being distracted by the smell for a few seconds, Junsu concentrated again on the man in front of him and decided to finally look at the name tag on his coat: “Dr. Shim Changmin”.
“So, tell me, were you involved in any accidents lately?” The man asked while writing something down
“No”
“I see. In the past, have you ever had any hearing problems, persistent headaches…”
“No. Everything worked fine until now.” Junsu answered
“You usually listen to music wearing phones, right?” - Junsu nodded - “How loud would you say you listen to music like that?”
Junsu made a face at what it seemed like a stupid question “Loud enough for me to hear it.”
Changmin stopped writing then and while putting his pen aside, he looked directly at Junsu “How long have you been having the symptoms you described earlier?”
Junsu thought for a moment, trying to remember correctly, deciding on his answer then “I think it started two weeks ago. I got a really bad cold which made me unable to get up from the bed for days and it also got me an otitis. As far as I remember I could barely hear for two days but afterwards I got better and everything went back to normal. However I don’t know if it didn’t heal so well after all because I started having headaches and hearing a buzz inside my ears. I thought it was going to heal by itself, but it didn’t and actually got worse so I decided to see what was going on.”
Changmin hummed after listening to Junsu “Well, it can actually be a complication that originated from the flu you had, maybe because you were careless and did not follow a proper treatment at the time. Right now I will have you submitted to a few exams so we can determinate the cause for the symptoms and get an accurate diagnosis.
Did you come alone?”
“Yes” Junsu said
“Maybe it’s better for you to call your parents or someone from your family since I believe these tests will take some time.”
“I’m an orphan.”
Changmin swallowed hard, trying not to demonstrate his discomfort “Don’t you have any relatives you can call?”
“No, it’s just me.”
“Alright then. I will prepare everything for us to make a complete check-up so you can wait here and the nurse will meet you in awhile.”
Junsu nodded and Changmin left the room.
Id didn’t take long until the nurse got in holding a green hospital gown and a smile on her lips.
“Please use the room on your left to change into this” The woman said, offering him the gown and making Junsu look at her in a not very happy way.
A few minutes later, he was wearing a dreadful piece of cloth, trying to think of who in the world could have ever think that people feel okay with wearing a dress that covers the front but definitely not the back of the body.
With his two hands behind his back, trying to cover his rear with the “dress”, he was escorted by the woman to another room where Dr. Changmin was.
“Lay down, please.” The doctor commanded, pointing at the big machine, in front of the boy.
“I’m sorry for the question, but why am I doing a CT scan? I thought you were going to check my ears.”
“I have to see if there is some kind of internal injury that might indicate us how the problem started. Besides, this is related to your headache symptoms. We must check if there are any brain problems.”
“I told you I got a cold. That’s how it started.”
Changmin sighed, removing his glasses and looking at Junsu at last “Who is the doctor here? Honestly, I don’t think this came just from your cold and there might be some problem that is not detectable unless we make a CT scan so can you please lay down?”
He was not convinced at all, but he obliged and lay down while the machine was prepared for the exam, remaining silent until the end of it.
Hours later, Junsu was yet again sitting on a chair at Dr. Shim’s office, chewing almost violently on some bubblegum when the tall man got in.
“I see you have already changed your clothes.” The man noted
“My butt was getting frozen and I was tired of getting dirty looks from the nurses.”
Changmin cleared his throat before talking again, this time grabbing the chance to put up the CT scan results on his board and turning its light on. “Alright, so here we hav -”
“Oh! My brain’s pictures!” Junsu blurted, interrupting Changmin and making him speechless at the same time “Sorry. Go on.” He said, smiling innocently.
“Well,” Changmin started again “as I was saying, here we have the CT scan results and I must say that they are not all that good. Can you see this spot here?” He pointed
“Is that where my intelligence is stored?” Junsu asked, narrowing his eyes in order to try and see it better.
“Mr. Kim, I am trying to be serious here so can you please show a more serious attitude?” Junsu stopped smiling then “When I asked you if you were involved in some kind of accident recently, you told me you didn’t, but this scan says it differently. I can see you have suffered a serious injury recently because of this part here.” Changmin said, pointing at the scan. “This part here is not yet completely healed internally and this is something that makes me curious as to what kind of injury this was because depending on it, it might be affecting your hearing.”
Junsu sighed, allowing his body to slide on the chair and getting more comfortable. Maybe a little too comfortable “I got my ass kicked a few weeks ago.”
Changmin blinked as if he didn’t actually processed Junsu’s language “I’m sorry?”
“Yeah, that was it. I got my ass kicked, got a beating, you know what I mean, right?”
“And besides ‘getting your ass kicked’ can you describe the details about the injuries?”
Junsu let out an annoyed sound before starting his story “One of my friends got into some trouble and a few guys were after him, so I went to help him out and doctor Shim knows that when these things happen, even if you throw a few punches, you are bound to get some of those back specially when you are outnumbered. Unless of course you are like the best fighter on the planet; or Superman.
Changmin rolled his eyes at Junsu’s comments, but let the boy keep going.
“Anyway, I ended up having three broken ribs, a busted lip and eyebrow and a lot of bruises all over. After a bit of rest and painkillers I got better but suddenly, BANG! I got a cold and now the hearing problems so you can say I’ve been having one hell of a hard time lately.”
“So are you telling me you were only treated because of the broken ribs, but there was no diagnosis on possible brain damages?”
“No” Junsu said
“Mr. Kim, you have actually been to a hospital in order to receive treatment?”
Junsu showed him a somehow boyish smile, which made Changmin realize immediately that the answer would be negative. “Are you aware that these kinds of injuries are very serious and that you have to go to a doctor instead of healing it by yourself?”
“Doctor Shim,” Junsu said, still laying back on the chair “I am aware of that and I know what you mean so I’m not saying you are wrong, but I was not going to go to a hospital just because of some bruises and a couple of broken bones. Honestly I’m only here today because I’m tired of being unable to sleep because of all the buzzing in my ears, but now I was ‘forced’ to make a bunch of exams that make me think how the hell am I going to pay the hospital bill later on.
I just want you to prescribe me something that make the pain go away or just something that make me sleep.”
The doctor sighed yet again, putting his pen aside and pointing again at the scans. “Listen, Junsu,” He said, dropping the formalisms “I am almost certain that this injury was what caused this whole problem and the fact that you had an otitis because of your cold, helped to get this even worse.
For now, I’ll prescribe you something to ease the pain, but I want you to take the medicine as I tell you. We will see how it goes after a week and compare your condition then.”
“Does this mean I have to come back?” Junsu asked, almost exasperated
“Yes”
“But I…”
“Do you want to go deaf?” Changmin asked, suddenly “Because given these results and your symptoms, you can easily go deaf.”
Junsu gulped “You are not very sensitive, are you?”
“That’s not what they pay me for. Now I’ll write your prescription, so hold a minute.”
That day Junsu ended up showing late for work. Again.
Of course that his boss was not the least happy about it and Junsu had to listen to his nagging for a good amount of time.
Truth being said, Junsu had this uncontrollable fear of being fired from his job ever since he lost his night part-time job and he was in no condition of losing this one also so he listened to his boss telling him that he was useless and kept his head down, telling him that he wouldn’t do it again.
“Yes, of course, it won’t happen again until next time.” The man said, looking at Junsu with a serious expression that made the boy lower his head even more.
Junsu had it tough actually.
He was young, being only twenty-four years old, he had a job that he hated in a crumpled and smelly place and being paid less than he deserved for all the hours he worked. His monthly pay was just enough for him to pay his rented room and barely survive for the rest of the month and on top of that he had no one to rely on.
Despite being true what he told doctor Shim, about being an orphan, he still had relatives.
Junsu had an uncle and a cousin living in Daegu but with whom Junsu didn’t really talk to ever since his parent’s accident, five years before.
Yunho, his cousin, still insisted in calling him at least twice a week in order to know if he ‘was still alive’.
Two days went by and Junsu thought that doctor Shim would kill him if he knew that after the visit to the hospital, this was the first day that he was actually taking his medication and he hated to admit it but he only did buy the medicine because his headaches would not leave him alone, making him feel uncomfortable as time went by.
At the end of the week, Junsu went to see doctor Shim again and he could easily count by his fingers the amount of hours that he had actually slept that week.
As expected, Changmin nagged him about being neglecting his treatment but for those forty minutes in which the doctor talked to him, Junsu was just able to clearly listen to about a quarter of what the taller man said.
“Are you in pain at the moment?” Changmin asked, slowly and Junsu sent him a questioning look
“Sorry, what did you say?”
Changmin looked at Junsu, serious, and keeping his voice tone even lower while asking him the same question again as to which Junsu answered a few seconds later, with a negative nod.
“You have just read my lips, right? Junsu, did you actually hear what I asked you awhile ago?”
“I think…” Junsu said in an uncertain tone.
Changmin kept his serious tone “You are going to have to do more exams, Junsu” He said, picking up his pen while scribbling something “I have a friend who is a specialist in this area, as he himself is an otorhinolaryngologist so I’ll recommend him to you so that he can give you a more detailed diagnosis. You’ll be in good hands, I assure you. Doctor Kim Jaejoong is one of the best.”
“You know…” Junsu started “all these exams… can’t you really give me something just for me to get better?”
“Junsu, I’m afraid your problem is way more serious that what I have though at first. According to my diagnosis, you might be suffering from secondary effects to those injuries you have suffered before. I believe that the injury to your head was the main factor for all that is happening now, including your hearing loss.
According to the time when the symptoms appear, the deafness can be divided into two types: congenital or acquired. Explaining it in a simple way, I can tell you that in the first case, it comes from an injury to the nerve or auditory cortex.
After that we have the partial deafness which might happen due to an infection or a cold. Without proper treatment, the loss of hearing becomes a possibility. In many cases, the hearing is recovered however many times, due to brain concussions, the loss can become irreversible.
I don’t want to indicate you this as a final conclusion because I want you to talk with doctor Kim and see what he can tell you, but I am just warning you about my suspicions”
Junsu snapped out of his puzzled stated suddenly “Wait, wait, wait! Are we talking about the possibility of me losing my hearing for good?”
“If, and I repeat: IF my suspicions are confirmed, this kind of deafness is not reversible nor you are able to slow down its course. You will start to listen less and less until you hear nothing at all” Changmin said
Junsu remained silent for a good amount of time, trying to organize his thoughts and so it was doctor Shim that spoke again “Like I said, this is not a final diagnosis.”
“It’s just a suspicion, I got it. I’ll make an apointment with doctor Kim and I’ll do the exams. Doctor Shim is probably wrong on your diagnosis anyway.” The boy said, trying to remain positive and Changmin smiled.
“Maybe I am.” He said at last.
Junsu decided that he could not lose any time and the next day he went to see doctor Kim.
His office definitely a different feel from doctor Shims’ as it was bigger, colourful and decorated with taste.
When doctor Kim got in the room, Junsu had the envelope that Changmin gad given him with all the exams. The man sat opposite to the boy, on his chair and asked for the envelope.
Junsu scanned the man then. Doctor Kim looked like he was older than Changmin but not too much; he had light brown hair and blue eyes which Junsu assumed as coloured contacts. Opposite to Changmin, doctor Kim did not smell like antiseptic, but to fancy cologne; one that Junsu was sure most people could not afford to buy.
The man finished analysing the exams and put the papers on his table “Well, Mr. Kim, as far as these results are concerned, I must say that the news are not too good.”
“What do you mean? Is the first diagnosis correct?”
“Everything leads me to think that doctor Shim’s suspicions are correct. Given the results to the CT scan, the brain injury ended up triggering this hearing problem that is now developing. Given the fact that you caught a cold that made you get a serious auditory infection, both situations worked together to contribute to the stage where you are at the moment. The thing we have to do now is a magnetic resonance and eventually an audiometry in order to test your hearing ability and check the progression level.
Junsu was dumfounded “Are you telling me that you can only check the state of things but you can’t fix them?”
“I’m sorry Junsu. Anyway, through the audiometry we can measure the level of the hearing loss and depending on that level you might have a problem of partial hearing loss. If that is the case, then you will have some hearing difficulties but nothing that you can’t overcome.”
Junsu looked at the doctor who was actually trying to cheer him up but he continued with a serious expression “What if the level of the hearing loss is too great?”
Doctor Kim avoided the question “Let’s just concentrate on getting the exams done first, okay? It’s not good for you to be suffering beforehand. Rest assured, we will take care of you.”
For the first time in years, Junsu was feeling really frustrated. Every time he was asked if he could hear any sound, he had to shake his head negatively and at some degree he was actually asking himself whether they were actually sending any sounds through the headphones he had on his head.
It was only a few minutes later that he finally heard the first sound and suddenly he felt relieved. He just didn’t know that he had no reason to feel that way.
Despite feeling relieved at that moment, he kept for himself that he should not be too happy because despite not telling it to doctor Kim, the fact that he could hear in one moment and suddenly be unable to in the next was scaring him. Maybe it was not too late to start feeling sorry for the fact that nothing ever worked out for the best in his life.
He was asked to wait in a room, while the results were being processed and the thing that angered him the most was the fact that the nurse that directed him to the room made it only using gestures, like he was totally unable to hear her.
Yes, he was becoming deaf, but he was still able to hear people however she did not even bother to open her mouth.
It was when he was sitting on a couch that Junsu saw a boy that read his magazine with an attentive look in his eyes while having a pair of headphones on his head.
Junsu felt angered for the second time that day.
Not with the boy because he didn’t even know him, but because he started to think that he was never going to be able to listen to music in his life and suddenly the thought of him never being able to hear a single sound was clear in his head. Living in a world of silence was a concept he could not even start to process.
Junsu’s fixed look apparently took the other man’s attention as he ended up lowering his magazine, looking at Junsu and smiling a bit.
Junsu quirked an eyebrow and looked the opposite way quickly, noticing that the boy got up then and dragged his thin yet proportional body in an almost rhythmic pace through the corridor until he disappeared from Junsu’s range of vision.
[Maybe I scared him off] Junsu thought but it was a short-lived idea because the boy appeared again, approaching him then and handing Junsu a soda.
Junsu grabbed it, looking at him with a dumb expression and bowed his head in gesture of thanks before opening the can.
The guy seated on the couch again, drinking a cup of coffee that he had brought to himself and devoted his attention to his magazine again.
“Kim Junsu.” The nurse called but with no reply “Kim Junsu!” She tried again in a much higher tone, enough for Junsu to look at her and see her gesture for him to go with her.
Junsu got up then but not before stopping first and get near the boy that was sitting on the couch. “Thanks for the drink.”
A smile came from the boy and Junsu felt himself blush slightly “My name is Kim Junsu, what about you?”
“Park Yoochun” He answered
Junsu felt the other’s eyes through his lips then and sensing that he was blushing even more, he decided to quickly end the conversation “Oh. Thanks Yoochun.” He said and turning his back away, walked towards where the nurse that called him earlier was.
~*~
“Level 3” Jaejoong said.
“Is that good or bad?”
“It’s not too good. It means that the level of deafness is considered moderate because your perception is within 40 and 70 decibels however you are close to surpass that level because your hearing loss is superior to 60 decibels. It’s possible that you reach level 2 soon and it is probable that the perception loss surpassed level 2 greatly. If that happens, the hearing loss is considered as deep, which means you might never recover it.
I can tell you that there is medication which can try to hold the progression back but given the fact that in your case it’s progressing at a very speedy pace and developed so much in just a few weeks, I would say that within a few months your condition can get dramatically worse.”
Junsu breathed in and out a few times, trying to remain calm “There’s nothing to do then, right? A hit to my head and my life turns upside down!”
“I am truly sorry, Junsu. Now you will have to look at things on the bright side and adapt yourself to new things, but that doesn’t mean that it will become impossible for you to have a normal life. There are various institutions where you can learn gestural language and also learn how to read lips so that you can understand people.”
Junsu scoffed. That guy could not be serious telling him that there was a positive or bright side to look at “Yeah, I just have to learn how to be quiet; as if I didn’t do that enough already. The only thing different now is that to me is like everyone else is quiet also; almost like being ignored but this time by society. It’s fair enough.”
“It’s normal for you to feel angry but - ” Jaejoong started, but Junsu didn’t allow him to go on.
“Don’t worry. Thanks for everything, doctor.”
“Hey Junsu, this doesn’t mean you don’t have to come here to - ”
“Thank you.” Junsu said, leaving the room and not even listening to the last words that Jaejoong uttered.
The boy walked through the corridor, sitting on the same coach where he had previously been a few instants before and noticed that the boy, Yoochun, was not there anymore. It was better actually given the fact that Junsu didn’t even know if he should scream or cry but whatever his reaction might be, he was hoping that no one would be around; specially someone he didn’t even know.
Of course that since Junsu was miles away from being lucky, at the precise moment that he thought about the fact that Yoochun was not there, the boy appeared again, sitting on the couch in front of him and making him sigh. Loud.
Yoochun looked at Junsu then, putting the magazine he had in his hand inside his backpack beside him and after getting near the frustrated young man, he sat beside him on the couch.
Junsu looked at him then “What?”
Yoochun smiled a bit before opening his mouth “Tear”
“Huh?”
Yoochun pointed at his own face, making the gesture of a falling tear and then pointed at Junsu who realized what the boy was talking about and embarrassingly wiped his tear away.
“What a sissy, huh?”
Yoochun shook his head before getting in a more comfortable position on the couch while Junsu remained silent for awhile before looking at the person sitting beside him, still with his headphones on. Junsu smiled then for the first time that day and shamelessly asked Yoochun if he could listen to it too.
The taller boy removed the headphones and handed them to him.
Frustration came again as soon as he put them on. He could hear absolutely nothing and for a split second he thought that that he’d have that feeling for the rest of his life and that such reality would come to him soon enough.
Removing the headphones, he gave them back to Yoochun. “It’s impossible for me” He said, pointing at the device “The sound must be too low. What have you been listening to?”
“You” Yoochun said
“Me? No, I’m talking about the music.”
Yoochun did not have the time to answer as suddenly a woman in high heels and almost running appeared. Junsu thought that the fact that she was struggling not to fall off the heels while running was pretty funny though.
Despite seeing her mouth move, Junsu heard just a “Sorry” coming from her, as she put a hand on Yoochun’s shoulder while Yoochun gestured something and smiled at her.
“Of course it’s not okay. You have been waiting for me for oven an hour!” She said, while making big gestures and only realizing Junsu’s presence awhile later. “Who is he?” She asked.
Yoochun looked at Junsu then and between smiles, told her “The same as me.”
Junsu needed more than a couple of seconds to realize what Yoochun was talking about but the fact that he was actually communicating with that woman, that Junsu assumes as being his mother, through gestures made him want to disappear into a big and deep hole.
There he was, talking carelessly with a guy that could not hear him but had decided to talk to him, not allowing him to realize at least until that moment that there was a much more important reason for the guy to be constantly looking at Junsu’s lips.
[He was reading them…]
Yes, he felt pathetic, but that whole situation ended up making him smile.
The woman in front of him gestured something to Yoochun again, as to which Junsu interpreted as a “let’s go” since the boy got up immediately, making Junsu instinctively get up also.
Yoochun looked at him then and saw how the boy had lowered his head and only his shoulders were moving. Smiling, the taller got near Junsu and by putting a hand on his arm, made him look directly at him while he gestured something that Junsu didn’t understand but that the woman decoded at once.
“ ‘Look at me while you talk, or I won’t be able to understand you.’ ” She said
“Oh. I’m sorry.”
Yoochun made the same gesture he’d shown the woman when she got there, so Junsu took that as a “It’s okay”. Soon after Yoochun put his hand inside his backpack and took out a sheet of paper and a pen, scribbling something fast and handling the paper to Junsu before leaving the place along with his mother.
For a brief moment, Junsu kept looking at the two silhouettes walking down the corridor and only when he could not see them anymore, the boy read what Yoochun wrote for him, curiously in a blank music sheet.
“Don’t stop trying to listen just because they tell you that you can’t anymore. Don’t stay quiet just because you can’t hear the sound of your own voice. Talk, even if they can’t understand you; make them understand in one way or another.
If you feel like listening to music, put a pair of headphones on and even if nothing comes out from them, create your own melody; in your mind.
Even when all you can hear is just a whisper, keep trying.
Trying the impossible is way more fun when they tell us that we can’t.”
Park Yoochun
Junsu didn’t know how that was possible, but at that moment he felt small almost to the point of insignificance because of what he had just read but he refused to cry just because he had just read something so true and so inspiring that might actually make him feel like maybe his life was not a complete tragedy.
Instead of crying, he smiled and read the final lines that contained two post scripts.
“P.S: I’d give you my phone number, but I don’t think we’ll go very far like that so I’ll leave you with this: park_yoochun@yahoo.kr
P.S 2: You are incredibly cute!”
“Alright, now THAT was greasy…”
Junsu scrunched his face then but at the same time, he remained unable to hide his smile and for the first time in his life he was able to actually believe that the smallest of things can bring the brightest of smiles and that it’s not such a difficult thing to do after all…
The End
A/N: After such a long time, finally I was able to post this one. I hope you like it guys ^^