Vila Review's LOST BOYS 3; THE THIRST
Vila Review's LOST BOYS 3; THE THIRST
Quick Note: I originally posted this review for my LB Family over at Marked on Oct 16, 2010th.
---- To my LB Family - I would like to say that yes, I have 'expanded' the opening part to include cast details and DVD specs for those who just don't care enough to alredy know that information.
---- To the LJ Readers - It's more or less a cut and paste of what my LB Family has. I have not added anything nor have I expanded anything other than DVD and Cast Information.
---- Disclaimer - THIS IS A SPOILER-REVIEW in ten minute long "blocks" and some times even frame by frame. DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE SPOILED. I take no responsibility if you are butt-hurt because you were spoiled. You bave been warned, this is a spoiler/review.
---- Posted to vilawolf , vampiremovies , and the_lost_boyz
Marked By The Boys
Lost Boys The Thirst (Basic DVD) 2010
Produced by Warner Premier (ISBN 141989784) 81 Minutes Long or 1 hour 21 minutes.
Rating - R for strong bloody violence, sexual nudity, language and some drug content
Tagline / AKA ; The Frog Brothers are back for blood | Corey Feldman returns as Ace Vampire Hunter Edgar Frog | Los muchachos perdidos 3 |
Cast ; Corey Feldman ... Edgar Frog | Tanit Phoenix ... Gwen Lieber | Jamison Newlander ... Alan Frog | Sean Cameron Michael ... Ira Pinkus | Casey B. Dolan ... Zoe | Joe Vaz ... Claus | Matthew Dylan Roberts ... Blake | Seb Castang ... DJ X | Porteus Xandau Steenkamp ... Johnny Trash | Felix Mosse ... Peter | Matthew Kalil ... The Valet
DVD Features ; Auto-Play, Art of Seduction, Spanish Language Track. NO CHAPTER MENU
Scale ; 1 = poor 5 = best
Overall - 3
Camera - 4
Plot - 3
Acting - 2
Fights - 3 / 4 (w/ Alan)
Flow - 3 Slow to start w/ a Tweaker finish
Costumes - 3
Music - 2
Editing - 3
Enjoyment - 4 (5 drunk)
Char Development - 1
Set Design - 4
Special Effects - 2 / 3 Some are better than others but really pretty poor
Special Features - 0 - Fuck you Too WB
Back Cover: As the Lost Boys and Lost Girls of San Cazador prepare to party under the BloodMoon, an Alpha vampire conspires to turn these unsuspecting ravers into an army of undead. The only thing that stands between him and the annihilation of the entire human race is the infamous vampire fighting Frog Brothers. Armed with double-barrel holy water balloon launchers and multi-arrow crossbows Edgar (Corey Feldman) and Alan Frog (Jamison Newlander) join forces to kick some blood sucker butt in this high-energy, action-packed adventure in the Lost Boys franchise.
THE COUNT DOWN
Mortal Deaths: 4
Vampire Deaths: 7
Werewolf Deaths: 0
Rehashed Lines: 4
Knocks on the 4th Wall: 3 - maybe 4
BOOBIES!: For that parental rights group - There are 12 pair of boobies in this movie.
Vila's Verdict - What the hell did I just see?
CLICK THE CUT TO BE SPOILED:
0-10 Minutes
HOLY SHIT IT'S THE ATTACK OF GRANDPA MUNSTER - And thus begins Lost Boys the Thirst. We've time traveled 5 years into the past (thats 2005 people) where Edgar and Alan Frog are in Washington D.C. Which they have dubbed “the other murder capitol of the world”. We see a group of three “security” vamps sanding over a guy in a suit tied up in the dentists char. They wheel in an old fart and hand him a set of fanged dentures.
They are in the process of turning this Senator into a vampire when Edgar and Alan Frog kick in the door. Is it weird that I know who that senator is suppose to be? Oddly similar to one Robert Byrd who who just died fairly recently I believe. Byrd was this 91 year old fart who refused to retire and yes, they'd wheel him into session oxygen tanks and everything. Anyway, Alan chases off the vampires and in his … enthusiasm?, eagerness to finish the job?, commitment to 'Death to All Vampires'? … pick one and thats why he chases them down a back hallway.
While Edgar is untying Congressman Blake (remember that name) Edgar hears Alan calling for him and sounds of a fight. Edgar runs after his brother only to find Alan on his knees held down by one of the Security Vamps with blood running down his brother's face. Edgar picks up the dropped UV Torch and zaps the vampire out the window. (why it doesn't burn the vampire I can't tell you) Edgar takes a knee next to Alan and Alan growls at him. Alan's eyes are white and he now has fangs. Even though they both know that there is a way back to Alan, that he's only a half-vampire (referred to hear-after as a 'halfling' I don't know why I prefer that term I just do.) at his point, one look at the expression on Alan's face, and that's not exactly what Alan is thinking. He stands, turns on his heels and dives out the window to Edgar's protests.
Umm.. Ok. Perhaps Alan just /knows/ his brother and what Edgar is capable of, maybe Alan I dunno, enjoyed it? Maybe Alan's commitment to Death To All Vampires is a bit stronger than Edgars? Perhaps... I dunno. We can debate this on the forums until Jamison himself provides the answer. Moving on! The scene abruptly ends and Edgar wakes up in his trailer to a Bugs Bunny cartoon. Bugs is facing off with a legless vampire when Edgar hears sounds outside. It's daylight, I'm guessing around mid-day and he was woken up by a man pasting an eviction notice to his front door. I know people who Serve Papers and they don't act like that. They're skittish given that they often have to bear the full force and gut anger of dealing with people who they Serve and if confronted by someone who takes the news as calmly as Edgar seems to would give them a huge sigh of “OMG I'm not going to die.” This guy is apparently new to the job and acts all high and mighty.
Roll Opening Credits. We get three montages spliced together; running blood, art from the comic books (oooh look there goes David!), and a dance party with a DJ and glow sticks. I actually like the way they were put together and the song is alright. We're still in the first 10 minutes people.. I warned you this would be a spoiler-riffic dissection of the movie. I promise I wont go frame-by-frame and I'll eventually get bored with going scene by scene, and I do plan on breaking this up with screen caps / pictures but you're in for a lot of reading.
Stock footage of trees, a beach, surfers, missing person's fliers the usual opening fodder for any LB movie. We come in to the Book O'Neer, a comics shoppe where Edgar is selling some of his precious comics. I do love how he talks up his collection, especially the vampire book, and we get the feeling he might be attempting to scam Frank. To both their credit, they each know what they are talking about yet I have to call bullshit on Frank's cheep ass. You can't tell a comics inner pages are yellowing from inside the plastic.
I have comic books myself and unless the book is really beat up (which Edgar's are not) you cant see the inner pages. I half expected him to open the book right there in front of Edgar. (would have been funny to see Edgar punch someone out) The book is clearly from the late 1990s and not old enough to be yellowing anyway. He offers Edgar 65 bucks and Ed's just not in the mood apparently and just desperate enough to NOT argue with him any more than they already have. Enter Zoe, who is quick to insult Frank and offers to put the remaining books Edgar is willing to sell on ebay for him.
Edgar is a mess in this scene, he really is but before we get to talk about Corey Feldman, someone else walks in and asks for the graphic novels, saying he doesn't read comics as he's “not a geek”. Zoe earns points with both Myself and Edgar by shooting back “Well here at Book O'Neer, Geek is Cheqe. Try Barns and Noble.”. She knows him from his internet blog and his nickname is Johnny Trash, he's one of those self styled psudo-reporters in town to advertise a rave. Apparently few in this movie is an actual character, but a caricature. Johnny Trash is suppose to represent the Blogosphere as a collective whole and it's not a flattering light. Unfortunately, I agree with it. The entire entitlement delusion of “I'm special because I have a blog” is not that uncommon in real life. Just ask anyone who attended comic con.
Zoe is disposition girl extraordinare and fills in Edgar about the supposed rave going to take place here in town. Edgar responds charmingly enough with “Great. The final nail in my coffin.” takes his Batman # 14 and walks out without so much as a good by to Zoe. She seems use to to it and takes brooding, moping Edgar in stride. Edgar is suppose to come from a party town himself. You'd think he's use to this sort of wild beach parties from people but his parting words to Frank “I hate happy people” leave us (and myself) wondering just is going on in Edgar's head. He hasn't even bothered to comb his hair or shave in a few weeks and from the reaction of the guy who Served him, it's implied Edgar hasn't been outside in more than a few days. Edgar seems to to be suffering from a sever depression.
p.s. In the wide shot of Edgar being Served, we see a row of surfboards on Edgar's “porch”. Even though we as fans as well as most of the cast are lead to , and willingly so, that The Tribe never happened we see hints of it's influence throughout and it's even directly referenced to by a character in the next scene.
Edgar smokes some weed on his ride home (first knock on the 4th wall as the song playing is Feldman's own “Disconnected” off his new album. So does this mean that Edgar has completely cut hims self off from the human world and is not living in a self imposed isolation?), almost burns the Batman Comic, and nearly runs into a Porsche parked in “his spot”. Now pissed, he charges to his trailer (Is it me or is Feldman a midget? Seriously... damn he's little...) and he's greeted by Gwen Lieber who insults him, refuses to cross the salt line he's drawn (A CLUE) until he 'invites' her in (read: bullies her way into his trailer) and gives him a sob story about how her brother has gone missing.
11-20 Minutes
Edgar says he's not interested in hunting down her brother, even after she offers to pay him a shit-load of money, and hands him an empty vial of the new drug that aint (A CLUE! Seriously, why the fuck would she have one of those?) and takes a pot-shot parting by saying that even though he couldn't save his brother maybe he can help her save hers. (how the fuck does she know all of this when she writes trashy novels?) Edgar giver her a (what passes for Feldman's) look-o-death more than once and eventually kicks her out He already knows about the raves, he doesn't care about them. He doesn't care that she's telling that that this is the Alpha vampire from whom all others come from. He's not a vampire hunter ((Wait What?!)) and he can't help her kindly GTFO of my trailer.
Oh come on Edgar... she's not crossing the salt and has an empty vial of blood. Stake the Smeyer stand in as she's already obviously a familiar and end this movie now. Oh.. anyone else notice that what Peter drank is greenish yellow and and vial Gwen had was red? Yeah, that's important for later, remember that. I also count Edgar's “I knew that” as a rehashed line from the first, as he clearly didn't. Gwen eventually leaves, leaving behind her hotel room info. Cut to an airplane at altitude with DJ X, Kurk, Lilly, Unnamed blond, and two unnamed male vampires in addition to a tied and twitching Peter. Four of the vampires jump out the plane and free fall to Adien's Cry Little Sister (used much more effectively later on). I have to ask...how does X know that Edgar's in town and why does he insist on calling him by his last name? They land unharmed (one of them in 5 inch heels - actress torture so they zoom in on her feet twice this scene) at the airport and are greeted by Trash. X is a horribly flat character and the best thing about him is the fact that they did not give him the over-dub treatment. They let him hiss and over pronounce every single line as is so often a problem with plastic tooth caps.
16 Minutes
I know I know, it's not been 10 minutes yet, but this scene is probably the best in the movie and I'm breaking for it. So pause your computer screen, go to the bathroom, get some food, refresh your drink... I'll wait.
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Back? Ok …
Edgar pulls up to “Seedy Place” with burning trash cans and junk everywhere. It's pitch black out and there are no lights coming out of any of the windows and hops out of the truck and yanks a door open. Just. Like. That. He just does it. Given that he's unarmed, gearless, and he's a know vampire hunter, and that he's walking into a place that looks every inch like a vampire den... Once inside the building it's as dark as it is outside. One candle ever 10 feet for light. With maybe one wall having a single electric light. The rooms are filled with shelves which are filled with jars that have... things... in them. There are dead animals hanging upside over the bed and in the sink dripping blood. Edgar just walks in as if it's nothing. And then as Edgar nears the back room, we see someone sitting at a table and hear the voice, Alan's voice … “Hello Edgar. What brings you all the way down here?”
“Now I have to have an excuse to visit my own brother?”
“At one in the morning yeah”
“I figured you'd be up”
To which Alan smirks. So wait... they have kept in touch after D.C.? Alan's currently gutting what is either a cat or a very large ferrite (we don't get to see the head) and Edgar fills him in on X. One thing is clear in all of this... I take the “discussion” as proof that the Frog brothers are in fact related. They both go for the gut yelling at each other and if I had said the equivalent to what Edgar said to Alan to one of my family the weapons would have come out but we're not talking about the time I stabbed my step-sister for breaking my finger. Alan actually takes it in stride as if this is a back and forth they've been through before and lets it go.
"You call this a life?!"
"This coming from a guy who lives in a trailer?!"
"So I've got nothing. But at least I know WHICH SIDE I'M ON!"
Sam is dead. He turned, fully, and Edgar staked him. Ooo. That explains a lot. Imagine having to kill your best friend. Because of this Michael and Star refuse to admit Edgar even exists. (Yes, they are alive) Laddie is all grown up with a wife a kids and 'a real life.' Oooo more into Edgar's psyche. Alan has moved on from the hunt as well, clearly he's been living off the blood of animals, and wants nothing to do with the X problem. He's sees it all as a waist of time. “Until we have to find the one above him and on and on and like that forever...It's a pyramid scheme Edgar is always has been.”The talk ends when Edgar, refusing to give up hope whispers “but what if this is it.”Alan responds by looking over his shoulder at his brother, eyes white (HE'S STILL A HALFLING) and fangs down “Get this and get it good Edgar, as far as I'm concerned; There's no such thing as vampires.”
Mike had trouble going three days. 3 days and he was ready to turn. Star was maybe a week into it. Alan's gone 5 fucking years with out killing anyone.
18 Minutes
(yes folks, the most interesting scene in the movie and one you could write a complete psychological paper on Edgar Frog on - lasted a mere two minutes.) X and his band of uninteresting save 1 (we'll get to Kurk later) vampires is now sitting in a what ever hell kind of car that is with Trash in the center of the back seat, laptop out “interviewing” X - who is not showing up in the broadcast. (I dunno... do web cams have silver lenses these days?) The second knock on the 4th wall happens (X calls the audience “Lost Boys” and “Lost Girls”) He still gets NO over-dubbing and it's a slur-iffic interview. After the interview they eat Trash (I'll admit I cheered for the murder of all Trash represents - annoying little shits) I guess the bad acting of X has a purpose in life after all.
21-30 Minutes
Edgar is back home. It's actually not a bad spot of land he's got. He has a small slip of beach, a tiny 'cove' or small pond, I can see three buildings (two wooden and his trailer) it's surrounded by brush and trees, with a privet road. Could be nice if he were motivated to do anything with it. He's sitting on his bed looking at a small photo of himself, Alan and Sam back in Santa Carla (a publicity shot from the first movie) in the Frog Shop Comic Store and he flashes back to the big battle at Sam's house. He, Alan, and Sam all grab hands and vow to destroy all vampires. Yes, you can hear Laddie breathing heavily under the bed through the entire flashback. Thus having remembered his purpose in life, Edgar takes a moment, swallows his pride, and crosses the trailer to snatch up Gwen's contact info.
The next morning finds Edgar (apparently he stops sleeping at this point in the movie) already at Gwen's hotel waiting for her to get up so he can talk to her. He invites him into her hotel room and in what I am sure is Sarah's favorite scene of the movie (JOKING PUT VICTOR AWAY) she gets dressed in front of a mirror so Edgar can see. Edgar rips into her as only he could (“Bo-dice Ripper” hehe I don't know why I find that so charming about him but I do) for her trashy vampire romance novels calling her positive reviews “Bought and paid for.” - also adding under his breath “just like me.” (he's clearly not happy about his situation) and adds “You you came to me expecting me to ask for your autograph then yes {You made a mistake} But if you came to me expecting me to kill a shit load of vampires - That I can do.” Yay! Go Edgar! Get her!
Don't worry folks, her seemingly indifference to her brother's rescue in this scene will be explained, if it isn't already obvious. He keeps saying he's gonna need weapons, lots of weapons. I guess he really did give up hunting after all and only concentrates on staying Not Bit. Can I ask why everyone insists on calling Edgar by his last name?
Back at Edgar's he's set up a dummy vampire to practice on. Complete with a stake and cartoon “Edward” face drawn on it. He misses with the stake, breaks one of his windows with the garlic, but the return of what I dubbed “The Bubble Gun” from Tribe nails the dummy vampire in the face. His cell phone rings (It's the Loony Toons Theme Song) and we're back at the hotel. Gwen's called him over to introduce him to his 'new partner'. The look on his face is fucking priceless and it only gets better when he finds out who it is. A “reality show star” from Hollywood Lars Von Goetz pulls up in the obligatory motorcycle scene, calls Edgar “Toad” and says he's got he metabolism of a 12 year old boy. (I can think of a couple other things he's got in equal to a 12 year old boy.) Another throw away, instantly unlikable character who you know their only purpose in the movie is cannon fodder. “Vampires are like 10x stronger than a grizzly bear.”
We cut to a cemetery and Edgar is standing in front of Sam's grave holding the Batman #14. Let us bow our heads in a moment of silence for Corey.
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It's a very touching scene and Edgar flashes back to when he, Alan and Sam talked about exactly how rare this particular comic book is. Edgar is obviously grieving very deeply for the loss of his friend and knowing how Sam died is clearly tearing him up inside. He leaves the comic at Sam's grave, touches the headstone. Once back in his truck (Alan is too only half-vampire! He's also a ninja.) and he finds a very old book left there by Alan. A note inside says that Alan basically knows his brother is gonna go do something incredibly stupid and in a effort to keep his brother 'not dead' gives him the “First book ever written on vampire hunting.” It's also much more than that as Zoe discovers.
But I have to say something as an insufferable know it all... I FUCKING HATE IT WHEN HOLLYWOOD DOES THIS!. There it is. The uber-book on vampires. Everything about them ever. AND I CAN'T READ IT. FFFFUUUU!
I so undeniably want
Oh, this line from Alan got a chuckle from me “If your still alive on Tuesday, be sure to call Mom. It's her birthday.” Yes, the Frog Parents are still alive.
31-40 Minutes
Edgar immediately takes the book to Zoe and gives it to her to skim for him. (Umm, What?) It's now nightfall and Zoe is overjoyed to hear from Edgar and eagerly agrees to help him out. Out side, Edgar “senses vampire”. I'm pretty sure that thats DJ X who attacks Zoe. She fends him off with mace/holy water after he backhands Edgar into a bookshelf 4TH WALL! IT'S 4TH WALL!
Ok, Corey... listen to me. This is just for you. I know you and Jamison enjoy knocking on the 4th wall, showing up in character at events and having split screen interviews with your self in character, but that's too far man! WTF?
After X blows up (does this mean the movie's over?) Edgar and Zoe go to Ihop for strawberry drenched pancakes and Zoe does her disposition thing, catching Edgar up on everything the audience already knows, laying out the BloodMoon significance and where the vampire's current den/nest/hideout is. A nearby island that use to house a slaughterhouse and meat packing plant. Oh, her ears are pointed here. Thats important.
Cut to the slaughterhouse where Lilly is taunting Peter (now bound to a table with no less than 8 iv drips of the yellow/green stuff) calling him “a nice bit of veal”. Cut to Morning and Edgar is suiting up. He's combed his hair, shaved, mixes up a batch of Frog Juice (still one of the most ghastly things I've ever drunk) kicks open his door and grunts. (He does that every other line in the movie but this time it's suppose to be 'badass' even tough this is Edgar Frog and badass isn't what comes to mind) and he and Zoe drive over to Blake's house to buy some weapons.
Remember that congressman I told you remember? Yeah, it's him. I would like to know what JFK did to make Blake think he's a traitor. Edgar knocks on his door, but that proves unnecessary as Blake blows himself out a window via “holy water grenade”. Zoe's sarcasm earns her a smile from Blake and she's judged “cool”. Blake has been tracking a werewolf in his spare time. That's important for later. But his main focus now is in weapons designs for what I assume is an “underground hunters network” but I think that network might just be limited to Edgar. There's a metric shit-tonne of canned beans, guns, alien grenades (? what), vampire dentures, and then the vampire themselves show up.
Blake fends them off with some UV lights, but there's a flaw in that design which the vampires quickly take advantage of - the lights only face one direction. Edgar dusts one by pulling her through the window and staking her. The others burn down Blake's house “I'd rather get bit than burned.” (WE'VE FOUND THE LINE FOLKS! There /is/ something Edgar fears more than vampires.) Blake dusts the three remaining vampire with “Old Painless” a Gatling gun he's converted to fire wooden bullets. Was that X again? “Now thats what I call a Stake Out!”
41-50 Minutes
Edgar and Zoe meet up with Gwen and Lars the next morning (I still don't think Edgar's slept) at the docks. At seeing the size of the crowd headed to the rave, Edgar finally seems to understand just how big of a cluster-fuck this could turn into. Gwen wants to see Edgar in a bathing suit, Lars hits on Zoe who quickly shuts him down, Gwen start in on Zoe as “unqualified” for the hunt because she works in a book store but once again Zoe shuts her down, and Lars picks up Edgar. No, I'm not kidding.
At the beach on the island, Edgar gives everyone a weapons rundown and a “here's what we're gonna do.” talk. Lars immediately calls bullshit on the entire thing. “I hate to tell you but there are no experienced vampire hunters because there are no vampires. They don't exist.” To Edgar's credit, and despite the fact the man in front of him is nearly two feet taller than him and just recently picked him up, Edgar stands his ground. Even when Lars points a stake at him. He steps up to Lars and the big man backs down. Though it was funny as hell watching Lars whine and bitch about not having stakes until Edgar gives him some just to shut him up. “You're suppose to be a big man who's wrestled a 7 foot alligator, you don't need weapons” “I still want stakes” “There, you've got stakes.” “Why are her's metal?” “You get what you get.” - I will enjoy your death Lars.- I also love how the water guns all squeak. It's classic you are so unprepared for whats about to happen Lost Boys.
Cut to two female vampires going down on each other until Kurk brings in two early partiers back into the “VIP” room. Both of the mortals are wearing promise rings which is deemed “cute” before they are both slaughtered. Ahhh. Now this is a vampire. Vicious violent bloody deaths. I love it. Too bad this is the only moment of it we get in this movie. Oh Sarah... I got to say, you called it. It wasn't Alan we see in that still from the trailer. You were right. I was wrong. Cut to Edgar giving everyone a mic check before they go into the basement and Zoe says Edgar needs to name his new gun. “All guns need a name. Like ships.” “Ships are for sailors. Guns are for soldiers. I'm not a sailor.” Claus finally gets a few lines where he's trying to convince Lars this might just be real. Lars brushes him off saying it's just a LARP and he's in it to beat up some goth kids. Squeaky Gun!
51-60 Minutes
“Time for Mr. Frog's Wild Ride.” - oh god. Don't let my step day hear you say that. Thats his favorite Disney ride. Lars and Claus film the 'intro' to the show and Lars is a fucking moron. “Haunted slaughter house thats now a nest of vampires built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground where they use to burn witches.” Someone eat this SOB already. More stalking the rooms, Zoe finds one of the promise rings and Edgar responds “Virgins. Vampire Flet Menion.” Lars and Claus actually find Peter but as Lars says “it's too early in the show” and they leave him. They've now got him on 9 drips of the yellow shit. Edgar and Zoe find Trash's body when they are set on by Lilly and the unnamed Blond. We'll get back to that however, first lets go see Lars die...
Lars ditches his gear. Hear we go folks. It's time. Kurk the big bald bastard of a vampire has set up a trap. Lars falls for it. Kurk does let Lars punch him a few times and Lars knocks out one of his fangs. Now comes the line that makes Kurk the single most interesting vampire in the entire movie. “This is it! I have waited 300 years for a good fight!” - Ok. You have my attention. Yes, I want to know more about this vampire. - He opens his mouth and his fang grows back, beats Lars to pulp before ripping his heart out with his bare hand.
Awww... I'm sorry the fight wasn't all you hoped it would be Kurk, I really am. Now watch out behind you. Too late. He's staked and dusted by Claus. Two things... One: So much for every vampire dying a different way. So far every single one in this movie has turned into lava-fluff. Like a popped bean-bag chair. Two: Ok, Claus deserves to survive this.
Back to Edgar and Zoe. Blond grabs Zoe and is holding her off camera so we can focus our attention on Edgar and Lilly. Both draw swords, bot complement each others outfits, Lilly kicks Edgar's ass. I'm sorry Alan, but my inner David gave a hell of a cheer when Lilly runs Edgar through with her sword. Zoe seeing the man she's in love with about to die, BACK KICKS THE BLOND 6 FEET onto a stake. (a clue!) she pulls the sword out of him and he promptly passes out. We get one last look at the body of Lars before Zoe and Claus and carry Edgar back to the beach.
On the beach we get the last of the flashbacks and the one I think works the best. Edgar is delirious with pain and slipping in and out of it. Of course it's all a bit much for a stab in the shoulder. Which is pretty much the best place possible to get stabbed as you have the best chances of recovery sans the ass. If not for the flash back this scene would not be nearly as effective. It's the scene where he and Alan first reach out to Sam. Telling him about vampires and offering him their friendship. It's the moment when 2 becomes 3 and the “Monster Bashers” are born. We know that two are down... Sam is dead, Alan a halfling. Might two become three once more since it's well established that Edgar is clinically depressed and feels he has nothing worth living for?
The it's over and we are forced to see a shirtless Corey on the the beach. The injury was mostly painful after all and he's well enough to get his gear back on and dive back in. “Pay back's a bitch.” Just as the Blood Moon rises above them. Oh.. Almost forgot this bit of traded dialogue: “Where's your boss? Von Geek?” “Some big massive juggernaut of a vampire got him. Tore his heart right out of his chest. I got it on tape though.” “Really? I'd like to see that when you get get a chance.” Claus smiles “I'd like that” “Thanks.”
61-70 Minutes WE'RE ALMOST DONE!
The party is well underway and Lilly is in a skimpy red dress handing out vials of thirst to the crowd. - See guys. The thirst is red. It's different than what they are giving Peter. I know, I keep pointing it out and you'll soon find out why, if is isn't already perfectly transparent to you. X appears on stand, spin for literally 2 seconds before yelling “are you ready for a sacrifice?” and wheeling Peter out. Edgar and gang have somehow managed to get back stage, well, under the stage, unnoticed as the entire mob of topless dancers becomes a thousand strong mob of halflings.
Ooooo Meta. : Note... I've tried freeze framing and looking for him out in the crowd but I have yet to spot him. Here's there alright. Just... argh.
Edgar tells everyone to hang back, he's only got one hokey-puck-o-death to take out X. Umm... better plan... all rush the stage and distract Lilly while you take out X or else you, know.. she'll kick your ass again. Yeah... No. Since when would Edgar ever do the smart thing? He gets his ass kicked by Lilly again, but this time while he's on his back he grabs a record, breaks it, slits her throat with it then stakes it. The crowd actually boos for a second. Too bad he dropped the hockey puck into the vat of yellow shit. Zoe and Gwen jump in and go swimming to get it while Claus uses the UV torch to keep the halflings back. Great. Now we have a crowd full of sunburned boobies. Thats nice.
More freeze framing the crowd shots looking for him...still can't find him. I'm telling you guys he's a ninja.
X attempts to talk Edgar to death yet allows to him to draw his sword while X himself wields a short-spear. They fight to the music and you can see that X is going easy on him. He lets Edgar get back up something like 5 times before Alan's finally had enough of this guys mouth and steps in with an audience wide cheer and the phrase “Yeah, Don't Monologue”. Yay! The best part of the movie just came back into it! HOLY SHIT! ALAN CAN FLY! Did you see that? No? Pause, rewind and watch again... I'll wait. Screw it. I've got a screen cap.
Alan establishes himself as an utter badass at this point. Dual Wielding FTW! Get him Alan! Zoe comes up from the garlic water hockey puck in hand and while Alan is whooping X's ass, gives it to Edgar who uses it to impale X many times. Both Edgar and Alan, as one, 'stake' X via their swords and X explodes in more lava fluff. Alan cuts down Peter while Edgar turns off the music and looks out at the crowd and “The party is officially over. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here.”
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No one moves. Alan knows why. Peter and Gwen are making out and while everyone is going eww Alan calls Edgar over and while Alan's eyes are no longer white, he still has his fangs. Zoe calls Edgar over cause he needs this shit spelled out for him, and Zoe tells him they were pumping Peter full of garlic water. Alan is already raising his sword as Edgar finally figures out that Peter is the head vampire and they were keeping him weak so X could cannibalize him and thus become the head. We flash back to 1031 and Peter is leading a pack of vampire on the hunt. He steals David's most iconic line (grrrrr) and we're back to the present.
Gwen was working for Peter all along (yeah no shit) to deliver to him Edgar. Alan's not happy with the news and grows low. Before Alan get to kill Gwen Peter does it himself by bitting her throat out. Alan's not happy with Pete's chosen method of execution wither it's for the waisted blood or pure disgust we'd have to ask Jamison. Peter shouts to the crown that “They're all yours.” and takes flight backwards. Alan charges after him but stops when Edgar calls his name. Edgar having realized he's now in a clusterfuck tells Zoe that she and Claus need to get the hell out of here and warn the world about what's about to happen. He also realizes, from her reaction, that she likes him “that way” and no they don't kiss. He says “just go.”
71-80 Minutes
He and Alan run off after Peter and Zoe and Claus run for town. Both brothers are ready to violence the shit out of something but Peter gets the drop on Alan, literally, wraps a chain around Alan's neck, back hands Edgar across the room into some random crap, and while Edgar is screaming in pain from a direct blow to his stab wound, Peter yanks another chain and lifts Alan some three feet into the air by his neck.
((ooo ouch. Not fatal to a halfling but it'll hurt like a bitch I'm sure)) Peter stalks about the room like a cocky twat talking about how he owes Edgar for killing X because a “father can't kill him children” and now that X was a dumbass and fucked with the population so badly, he needs Edgar to turn into a vampire and he wants him to be his bloodhound. Or as Edgar puts it “You want be to be your own personal hemo-sucking hitman.”
Edgar refuses no less than 4 times “You'll have to kill me first.” before he swallows the pain, picks up his sword and with a look of supreme determination and pissed off will …. overbalances as he swings... of course he screws up people! This is Edgar Frog we're talking about. If it worked he didn't do it right. Peter yanks on another chain, letting Alan down and --- now I REALLY want this prick dead --- steals one of Alan's own lines from the orig movie “Kill your brother. You'll feel better.”
Alan's eyes turn red as he falls under Peters control, though it is obvious he's fighting it, and he jerks his way close to Edgar who is begging his brother not to do this. Alan grabs Edgar's sword by the blade, gut-checks him, Edgar almost punches Jamison's beret and wig off, Alan punches Edgar into face until he spits blood. Ok. Now here is where I believe Alan was is complete control of himself the entire time and knew what he was doing... he had a plan guys.
Because, Corey's a midget, Alan's got to give his brother a boost... He lifts Edgar up within reach of some hoses. Hoses you say? That can't hurt a vampire. As he sprays Peter down with water Peter has the same reaction. He laughs. Another held over bit from the Tribe... Edgar had himself ordained as a priest. He blesses the water that hit Peter. Alan puts down Edgar and Peter explodes. Alan looks back at where Peter was then back at his brother. They hug. The punches to the face never happened as far as they are concerned. Alan is fully human again and Edgar could cry he's so happy. You can see it on each of their faces during the hug... sure they're acting tough, but when they hug... they are glad to have each other back.
Cut to the beach. And possibly the one and only time we will ever see Alan 'happy'. He's lounging in a chair, sipping a drink and grinning at the sun. Out of character? Yes. Very. But it's also the one situation conceivable that this would be ok. He just spent 5 years as a halfling, setting a new world record for stubborn sob who refuses to fully turn. Let him have this moment.
Cut to Edgar in Zoe's shop. He's now taking care of himself fully. He's tamed his hair folks! And now that he's got his brother back, and a girlfriend, it seems he's kicked his depression. Good news from Zoe! She's made enough from the ebay sales to get the bank off Edgar's back. Edgar is also “expanding” his areas of expertise to include the other critters who go bump in the night and they talk werewolves for a moment. Normally borderline-perky Zoe goes quiet, calls it a 'theory' and the last shot of the movie is of her looking at the camera with wolfs eyes. I told you all that shit about her was important didn't I?
Overall: What the hell did I just watch?
Peter's not the one who 'turned' Alan. Now Alan's human? Does that mean Peter really was the Master vampire after all and now there are no more vampires, anywhere in the world? They're all gone? That sucks.... But wait... I thought Grandpa Emerson said that it doesn't work that way in the comics? Didn't he say that once you fully turn there is no going back? Well, Alan wasn't a full vampire... of if the Master dies then all /halflings/ the world over will revert? There's gonna be a shit tonne of pissed off vampires out there who's plans were just fucked.
I have decided one thing... I'm not too sure a TV show would work. Edgar doesn't know what he's doing and thats the charm of the Frog Brothers. He still hasn't changed. He's still “lucking” through it. He wont read 'real' books, he still watches cartoons, and he still leans on better suited friends. Yes, he did manage to kill the villain but it's the first time out of three movies and bumbling through it nearly cost him his brother. Also you have to consider what else works. Lost Boys vampires are violent and thats what we'll accept. Nothing less than violence and you can't show that during prime time. I can see the Frogs willing to work with a halfling, especially after what Alan went though, but that halfling needs to be as close to the edge as possible and nearly as dangerous as a vampire.
I also think I like half-vampire Alan. Better than a human Alan. Adds something more to the relationship and increases the chances of survival for Edgar if Alan can 'go there'. Alan has without a doubt raised his game considerably to “ninja”. But I fear that now that he's human again he might loose some of that badassary. And come on... ALAN COULD FLY.
I would love to see more of Blake and Claus and here's hoping Edgar NEVER finds out his girlfriend is a werewolf or he'll never go outside again.
Ninja!Alan FTW!
Oh... Ps: Here's the soundtrack Info:
((I paused the end credits and copied it down))
Replica by Hyper
Vampire At Bat by William Lava
I Love Sex by Benassi Brothers
Distracted by Corey's band Truth Movement
I Got The Blues by Glen Morris
Tear It Up by White Demons
Merrily We Roll Along by Murray Mencher
Vegas by Vandalism
Planetary Run by Joe Montgomery
Hell Yeah by London To Tokyo
Devil's Got My Soul by The Blackest Bones
Toxic Is Dead by The Toxic Avenger
Kill Me Every Time by Blue Stahll
The real Dream by The Gunnery
New Revoultion by The Waking Hours
and the background score is by Elia Cmiral
Quick Note: I originally posted this review for my LB Family over at Marked on Oct 16, 2010th.
---- To my LB Family - I would like to say that yes, I have 'expanded' the opening part to include cast details and DVD specs for those who just don't care enough to alredy know that information.
---- To the LJ Readers - It's more or less a cut and paste of what my LB Family has. I have not added anything nor have I expanded anything other than DVD and Cast Information.
---- Disclaimer - THIS IS A SPOILER-REVIEW in ten minute long "blocks" and some times even frame by frame. DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE SPOILED. I take no responsibility if you are butt-hurt because you were spoiled. You bave been warned, this is a spoiler/review.
---- Posted to vilawolf , vampiremovies , and the_lost_boyz
Marked By The Boys
Lost Boys The Thirst (Basic DVD) 2010
Produced by Warner Premier (ISBN 141989784) 81 Minutes Long or 1 hour 21 minutes.
Rating - R for strong bloody violence, sexual nudity, language and some drug content
Tagline / AKA ; The Frog Brothers are back for blood | Corey Feldman returns as Ace Vampire Hunter Edgar Frog | Los muchachos perdidos 3 |
Cast ; Corey Feldman ... Edgar Frog | Tanit Phoenix ... Gwen Lieber | Jamison Newlander ... Alan Frog | Sean Cameron Michael ... Ira Pinkus | Casey B. Dolan ... Zoe | Joe Vaz ... Claus | Matthew Dylan Roberts ... Blake | Seb Castang ... DJ X | Porteus Xandau Steenkamp ... Johnny Trash | Felix Mosse ... Peter | Matthew Kalil ... The Valet
DVD Features ; Auto-Play, Art of Seduction, Spanish Language Track. NO CHAPTER MENU
Scale ; 1 = poor 5 = best
Overall - 3
Camera - 4
Plot - 3
Acting - 2
Fights - 3 / 4 (w/ Alan)
Flow - 3 Slow to start w/ a Tweaker finish
Costumes - 3
Music - 2
Editing - 3
Enjoyment - 4 (5 drunk)
Char Development - 1
Set Design - 4
Special Effects - 2 / 3 Some are better than others but really pretty poor
Special Features - 0 - Fuck you Too WB
Back Cover: As the Lost Boys and Lost Girls of San Cazador prepare to party under the BloodMoon, an Alpha vampire conspires to turn these unsuspecting ravers into an army of undead. The only thing that stands between him and the annihilation of the entire human race is the infamous vampire fighting Frog Brothers. Armed with double-barrel holy water balloon launchers and multi-arrow crossbows Edgar (Corey Feldman) and Alan Frog (Jamison Newlander) join forces to kick some blood sucker butt in this high-energy, action-packed adventure in the Lost Boys franchise.
THE COUNT DOWN
Mortal Deaths: 4
Vampire Deaths: 7
Werewolf Deaths: 0
Rehashed Lines: 4
Knocks on the 4th Wall: 3 - maybe 4
BOOBIES!: For that parental rights group - There are 12 pair of boobies in this movie.
Vila's Verdict - What the hell did I just see?
CLICK THE CUT TO BE SPOILED:
0-10 Minutes
HOLY SHIT IT'S THE ATTACK OF GRANDPA MUNSTER - And thus begins Lost Boys the Thirst. We've time traveled 5 years into the past (thats 2005 people) where Edgar and Alan Frog are in Washington D.C. Which they have dubbed “the other murder capitol of the world”. We see a group of three “security” vamps sanding over a guy in a suit tied up in the dentists char. They wheel in an old fart and hand him a set of fanged dentures.
They are in the process of turning this Senator into a vampire when Edgar and Alan Frog kick in the door. Is it weird that I know who that senator is suppose to be? Oddly similar to one Robert Byrd who who just died fairly recently I believe. Byrd was this 91 year old fart who refused to retire and yes, they'd wheel him into session oxygen tanks and everything. Anyway, Alan chases off the vampires and in his … enthusiasm?, eagerness to finish the job?, commitment to 'Death to All Vampires'? … pick one and thats why he chases them down a back hallway.
While Edgar is untying Congressman Blake (remember that name) Edgar hears Alan calling for him and sounds of a fight. Edgar runs after his brother only to find Alan on his knees held down by one of the Security Vamps with blood running down his brother's face. Edgar picks up the dropped UV Torch and zaps the vampire out the window. (why it doesn't burn the vampire I can't tell you) Edgar takes a knee next to Alan and Alan growls at him. Alan's eyes are white and he now has fangs. Even though they both know that there is a way back to Alan, that he's only a half-vampire (referred to hear-after as a 'halfling' I don't know why I prefer that term I just do.) at his point, one look at the expression on Alan's face, and that's not exactly what Alan is thinking. He stands, turns on his heels and dives out the window to Edgar's protests.
Umm.. Ok. Perhaps Alan just /knows/ his brother and what Edgar is capable of, maybe Alan I dunno, enjoyed it? Maybe Alan's commitment to Death To All Vampires is a bit stronger than Edgars? Perhaps... I dunno. We can debate this on the forums until Jamison himself provides the answer. Moving on! The scene abruptly ends and Edgar wakes up in his trailer to a Bugs Bunny cartoon. Bugs is facing off with a legless vampire when Edgar hears sounds outside. It's daylight, I'm guessing around mid-day and he was woken up by a man pasting an eviction notice to his front door. I know people who Serve Papers and they don't act like that. They're skittish given that they often have to bear the full force and gut anger of dealing with people who they Serve and if confronted by someone who takes the news as calmly as Edgar seems to would give them a huge sigh of “OMG I'm not going to die.” This guy is apparently new to the job and acts all high and mighty.
Roll Opening Credits. We get three montages spliced together; running blood, art from the comic books (oooh look there goes David!), and a dance party with a DJ and glow sticks. I actually like the way they were put together and the song is alright. We're still in the first 10 minutes people.. I warned you this would be a spoiler-riffic dissection of the movie. I promise I wont go frame-by-frame and I'll eventually get bored with going scene by scene, and I do plan on breaking this up with screen caps / pictures but you're in for a lot of reading.
Stock footage of trees, a beach, surfers, missing person's fliers the usual opening fodder for any LB movie. We come in to the Book O'Neer, a comics shoppe where Edgar is selling some of his precious comics. I do love how he talks up his collection, especially the vampire book, and we get the feeling he might be attempting to scam Frank. To both their credit, they each know what they are talking about yet I have to call bullshit on Frank's cheep ass. You can't tell a comics inner pages are yellowing from inside the plastic.
I have comic books myself and unless the book is really beat up (which Edgar's are not) you cant see the inner pages. I half expected him to open the book right there in front of Edgar. (would have been funny to see Edgar punch someone out) The book is clearly from the late 1990s and not old enough to be yellowing anyway. He offers Edgar 65 bucks and Ed's just not in the mood apparently and just desperate enough to NOT argue with him any more than they already have. Enter Zoe, who is quick to insult Frank and offers to put the remaining books Edgar is willing to sell on ebay for him.
Edgar is a mess in this scene, he really is but before we get to talk about Corey Feldman, someone else walks in and asks for the graphic novels, saying he doesn't read comics as he's “not a geek”. Zoe earns points with both Myself and Edgar by shooting back “Well here at Book O'Neer, Geek is Cheqe. Try Barns and Noble.”. She knows him from his internet blog and his nickname is Johnny Trash, he's one of those self styled psudo-reporters in town to advertise a rave. Apparently few in this movie is an actual character, but a caricature. Johnny Trash is suppose to represent the Blogosphere as a collective whole and it's not a flattering light. Unfortunately, I agree with it. The entire entitlement delusion of “I'm special because I have a blog” is not that uncommon in real life. Just ask anyone who attended comic con.
Zoe is disposition girl extraordinare and fills in Edgar about the supposed rave going to take place here in town. Edgar responds charmingly enough with “Great. The final nail in my coffin.” takes his Batman # 14 and walks out without so much as a good by to Zoe. She seems use to to it and takes brooding, moping Edgar in stride. Edgar is suppose to come from a party town himself. You'd think he's use to this sort of wild beach parties from people but his parting words to Frank “I hate happy people” leave us (and myself) wondering just is going on in Edgar's head. He hasn't even bothered to comb his hair or shave in a few weeks and from the reaction of the guy who Served him, it's implied Edgar hasn't been outside in more than a few days. Edgar seems to to be suffering from a sever depression.
p.s. In the wide shot of Edgar being Served, we see a row of surfboards on Edgar's “porch”. Even though we as fans as well as most of the cast are lead to , and willingly so, that The Tribe never happened we see hints of it's influence throughout and it's even directly referenced to by a character in the next scene.
Edgar smokes some weed on his ride home (first knock on the 4th wall as the song playing is Feldman's own “Disconnected” off his new album. So does this mean that Edgar has completely cut hims self off from the human world and is not living in a self imposed isolation?), almost burns the Batman Comic, and nearly runs into a Porsche parked in “his spot”. Now pissed, he charges to his trailer (Is it me or is Feldman a midget? Seriously... damn he's little...) and he's greeted by Gwen Lieber who insults him, refuses to cross the salt line he's drawn (A CLUE) until he 'invites' her in (read: bullies her way into his trailer) and gives him a sob story about how her brother has gone missing.
11-20 Minutes
Edgar says he's not interested in hunting down her brother, even after she offers to pay him a shit-load of money, and hands him an empty vial of the new drug that aint (A CLUE! Seriously, why the fuck would she have one of those?) and takes a pot-shot parting by saying that even though he couldn't save his brother maybe he can help her save hers. (how the fuck does she know all of this when she writes trashy novels?) Edgar giver her a (what passes for Feldman's) look-o-death more than once and eventually kicks her out He already knows about the raves, he doesn't care about them. He doesn't care that she's telling that that this is the Alpha vampire from whom all others come from. He's not a vampire hunter ((Wait What?!)) and he can't help her kindly GTFO of my trailer.
Oh come on Edgar... she's not crossing the salt and has an empty vial of blood. Stake the Smeyer stand in as she's already obviously a familiar and end this movie now. Oh.. anyone else notice that what Peter drank is greenish yellow and and vial Gwen had was red? Yeah, that's important for later, remember that. I also count Edgar's “I knew that” as a rehashed line from the first, as he clearly didn't. Gwen eventually leaves, leaving behind her hotel room info. Cut to an airplane at altitude with DJ X, Kurk, Lilly, Unnamed blond, and two unnamed male vampires in addition to a tied and twitching Peter. Four of the vampires jump out the plane and free fall to Adien's Cry Little Sister (used much more effectively later on). I have to ask...how does X know that Edgar's in town and why does he insist on calling him by his last name? They land unharmed (one of them in 5 inch heels - actress torture so they zoom in on her feet twice this scene) at the airport and are greeted by Trash. X is a horribly flat character and the best thing about him is the fact that they did not give him the over-dub treatment. They let him hiss and over pronounce every single line as is so often a problem with plastic tooth caps.
16 Minutes
I know I know, it's not been 10 minutes yet, but this scene is probably the best in the movie and I'm breaking for it. So pause your computer screen, go to the bathroom, get some food, refresh your drink... I'll wait.
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Back? Ok …
Edgar pulls up to “Seedy Place” with burning trash cans and junk everywhere. It's pitch black out and there are no lights coming out of any of the windows and hops out of the truck and yanks a door open. Just. Like. That. He just does it. Given that he's unarmed, gearless, and he's a know vampire hunter, and that he's walking into a place that looks every inch like a vampire den... Once inside the building it's as dark as it is outside. One candle ever 10 feet for light. With maybe one wall having a single electric light. The rooms are filled with shelves which are filled with jars that have... things... in them. There are dead animals hanging upside over the bed and in the sink dripping blood. Edgar just walks in as if it's nothing. And then as Edgar nears the back room, we see someone sitting at a table and hear the voice, Alan's voice … “Hello Edgar. What brings you all the way down here?”
“Now I have to have an excuse to visit my own brother?”
“At one in the morning yeah”
“I figured you'd be up”
To which Alan smirks. So wait... they have kept in touch after D.C.? Alan's currently gutting what is either a cat or a very large ferrite (we don't get to see the head) and Edgar fills him in on X. One thing is clear in all of this... I take the “discussion” as proof that the Frog brothers are in fact related. They both go for the gut yelling at each other and if I had said the equivalent to what Edgar said to Alan to one of my family the weapons would have come out but we're not talking about the time I stabbed my step-sister for breaking my finger. Alan actually takes it in stride as if this is a back and forth they've been through before and lets it go.
"You call this a life?!"
"This coming from a guy who lives in a trailer?!"
"So I've got nothing. But at least I know WHICH SIDE I'M ON!"
Sam is dead. He turned, fully, and Edgar staked him. Ooo. That explains a lot. Imagine having to kill your best friend. Because of this Michael and Star refuse to admit Edgar even exists. (Yes, they are alive) Laddie is all grown up with a wife a kids and 'a real life.' Oooo more into Edgar's psyche. Alan has moved on from the hunt as well, clearly he's been living off the blood of animals, and wants nothing to do with the X problem. He's sees it all as a waist of time. “Until we have to find the one above him and on and on and like that forever...It's a pyramid scheme Edgar is always has been.”The talk ends when Edgar, refusing to give up hope whispers “but what if this is it.”Alan responds by looking over his shoulder at his brother, eyes white (HE'S STILL A HALFLING) and fangs down “Get this and get it good Edgar, as far as I'm concerned; There's no such thing as vampires.”
Mike had trouble going three days. 3 days and he was ready to turn. Star was maybe a week into it. Alan's gone 5 fucking years with out killing anyone.
18 Minutes
(yes folks, the most interesting scene in the movie and one you could write a complete psychological paper on Edgar Frog on - lasted a mere two minutes.) X and his band of uninteresting save 1 (we'll get to Kurk later) vampires is now sitting in a what ever hell kind of car that is with Trash in the center of the back seat, laptop out “interviewing” X - who is not showing up in the broadcast. (I dunno... do web cams have silver lenses these days?) The second knock on the 4th wall happens (X calls the audience “Lost Boys” and “Lost Girls”) He still gets NO over-dubbing and it's a slur-iffic interview. After the interview they eat Trash (I'll admit I cheered for the murder of all Trash represents - annoying little shits) I guess the bad acting of X has a purpose in life after all.
21-30 Minutes
Edgar is back home. It's actually not a bad spot of land he's got. He has a small slip of beach, a tiny 'cove' or small pond, I can see three buildings (two wooden and his trailer) it's surrounded by brush and trees, with a privet road. Could be nice if he were motivated to do anything with it. He's sitting on his bed looking at a small photo of himself, Alan and Sam back in Santa Carla (a publicity shot from the first movie) in the Frog Shop Comic Store and he flashes back to the big battle at Sam's house. He, Alan, and Sam all grab hands and vow to destroy all vampires. Yes, you can hear Laddie breathing heavily under the bed through the entire flashback. Thus having remembered his purpose in life, Edgar takes a moment, swallows his pride, and crosses the trailer to snatch up Gwen's contact info.
The next morning finds Edgar (apparently he stops sleeping at this point in the movie) already at Gwen's hotel waiting for her to get up so he can talk to her. He invites him into her hotel room and in what I am sure is Sarah's favorite scene of the movie (JOKING PUT VICTOR AWAY) she gets dressed in front of a mirror so Edgar can see. Edgar rips into her as only he could (“Bo-dice Ripper” hehe I don't know why I find that so charming about him but I do) for her trashy vampire romance novels calling her positive reviews “Bought and paid for.” - also adding under his breath “just like me.” (he's clearly not happy about his situation) and adds “You you came to me expecting me to ask for your autograph then yes {You made a mistake} But if you came to me expecting me to kill a shit load of vampires - That I can do.” Yay! Go Edgar! Get her!
Don't worry folks, her seemingly indifference to her brother's rescue in this scene will be explained, if it isn't already obvious. He keeps saying he's gonna need weapons, lots of weapons. I guess he really did give up hunting after all and only concentrates on staying Not Bit. Can I ask why everyone insists on calling Edgar by his last name?
Back at Edgar's he's set up a dummy vampire to practice on. Complete with a stake and cartoon “Edward” face drawn on it. He misses with the stake, breaks one of his windows with the garlic, but the return of what I dubbed “The Bubble Gun” from Tribe nails the dummy vampire in the face. His cell phone rings (It's the Loony Toons Theme Song) and we're back at the hotel. Gwen's called him over to introduce him to his 'new partner'. The look on his face is fucking priceless and it only gets better when he finds out who it is. A “reality show star” from Hollywood Lars Von Goetz pulls up in the obligatory motorcycle scene, calls Edgar “Toad” and says he's got he metabolism of a 12 year old boy. (I can think of a couple other things he's got in equal to a 12 year old boy.) Another throw away, instantly unlikable character who you know their only purpose in the movie is cannon fodder. “Vampires are like 10x stronger than a grizzly bear.”
We cut to a cemetery and Edgar is standing in front of Sam's grave holding the Batman #14. Let us bow our heads in a moment of silence for Corey.
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It's a very touching scene and Edgar flashes back to when he, Alan and Sam talked about exactly how rare this particular comic book is. Edgar is obviously grieving very deeply for the loss of his friend and knowing how Sam died is clearly tearing him up inside. He leaves the comic at Sam's grave, touches the headstone. Once back in his truck (Alan is too only half-vampire! He's also a ninja.) and he finds a very old book left there by Alan. A note inside says that Alan basically knows his brother is gonna go do something incredibly stupid and in a effort to keep his brother 'not dead' gives him the “First book ever written on vampire hunting.” It's also much more than that as Zoe discovers.
But I have to say something as an insufferable know it all... I FUCKING HATE IT WHEN HOLLYWOOD DOES THIS!. There it is. The uber-book on vampires. Everything about them ever. AND I CAN'T READ IT. FFFFUUUU!
I so undeniably want
Oh, this line from Alan got a chuckle from me “If your still alive on Tuesday, be sure to call Mom. It's her birthday.” Yes, the Frog Parents are still alive.
31-40 Minutes
Edgar immediately takes the book to Zoe and gives it to her to skim for him. (Umm, What?) It's now nightfall and Zoe is overjoyed to hear from Edgar and eagerly agrees to help him out. Out side, Edgar “senses vampire”. I'm pretty sure that thats DJ X who attacks Zoe. She fends him off with mace/holy water after he backhands Edgar into a bookshelf 4TH WALL! IT'S 4TH WALL!
Ok, Corey... listen to me. This is just for you. I know you and Jamison enjoy knocking on the 4th wall, showing up in character at events and having split screen interviews with your self in character, but that's too far man! WTF?
After X blows up (does this mean the movie's over?) Edgar and Zoe go to Ihop for strawberry drenched pancakes and Zoe does her disposition thing, catching Edgar up on everything the audience already knows, laying out the BloodMoon significance and where the vampire's current den/nest/hideout is. A nearby island that use to house a slaughterhouse and meat packing plant. Oh, her ears are pointed here. Thats important.
Cut to the slaughterhouse where Lilly is taunting Peter (now bound to a table with no less than 8 iv drips of the yellow/green stuff) calling him “a nice bit of veal”. Cut to Morning and Edgar is suiting up. He's combed his hair, shaved, mixes up a batch of Frog Juice (still one of the most ghastly things I've ever drunk) kicks open his door and grunts. (He does that every other line in the movie but this time it's suppose to be 'badass' even tough this is Edgar Frog and badass isn't what comes to mind) and he and Zoe drive over to Blake's house to buy some weapons.
Remember that congressman I told you remember? Yeah, it's him. I would like to know what JFK did to make Blake think he's a traitor. Edgar knocks on his door, but that proves unnecessary as Blake blows himself out a window via “holy water grenade”. Zoe's sarcasm earns her a smile from Blake and she's judged “cool”. Blake has been tracking a werewolf in his spare time. That's important for later. But his main focus now is in weapons designs for what I assume is an “underground hunters network” but I think that network might just be limited to Edgar. There's a metric shit-tonne of canned beans, guns, alien grenades (? what), vampire dentures, and then the vampire themselves show up.
Blake fends them off with some UV lights, but there's a flaw in that design which the vampires quickly take advantage of - the lights only face one direction. Edgar dusts one by pulling her through the window and staking her. The others burn down Blake's house “I'd rather get bit than burned.” (WE'VE FOUND THE LINE FOLKS! There /is/ something Edgar fears more than vampires.) Blake dusts the three remaining vampire with “Old Painless” a Gatling gun he's converted to fire wooden bullets. Was that X again? “Now thats what I call a Stake Out!”
41-50 Minutes
Edgar and Zoe meet up with Gwen and Lars the next morning (I still don't think Edgar's slept) at the docks. At seeing the size of the crowd headed to the rave, Edgar finally seems to understand just how big of a cluster-fuck this could turn into. Gwen wants to see Edgar in a bathing suit, Lars hits on Zoe who quickly shuts him down, Gwen start in on Zoe as “unqualified” for the hunt because she works in a book store but once again Zoe shuts her down, and Lars picks up Edgar. No, I'm not kidding.
At the beach on the island, Edgar gives everyone a weapons rundown and a “here's what we're gonna do.” talk. Lars immediately calls bullshit on the entire thing. “I hate to tell you but there are no experienced vampire hunters because there are no vampires. They don't exist.” To Edgar's credit, and despite the fact the man in front of him is nearly two feet taller than him and just recently picked him up, Edgar stands his ground. Even when Lars points a stake at him. He steps up to Lars and the big man backs down. Though it was funny as hell watching Lars whine and bitch about not having stakes until Edgar gives him some just to shut him up. “You're suppose to be a big man who's wrestled a 7 foot alligator, you don't need weapons” “I still want stakes” “There, you've got stakes.” “Why are her's metal?” “You get what you get.” - I will enjoy your death Lars.- I also love how the water guns all squeak. It's classic you are so unprepared for whats about to happen Lost Boys.
Cut to two female vampires going down on each other until Kurk brings in two early partiers back into the “VIP” room. Both of the mortals are wearing promise rings which is deemed “cute” before they are both slaughtered. Ahhh. Now this is a vampire. Vicious violent bloody deaths. I love it. Too bad this is the only moment of it we get in this movie. Oh Sarah... I got to say, you called it. It wasn't Alan we see in that still from the trailer. You were right. I was wrong. Cut to Edgar giving everyone a mic check before they go into the basement and Zoe says Edgar needs to name his new gun. “All guns need a name. Like ships.” “Ships are for sailors. Guns are for soldiers. I'm not a sailor.” Claus finally gets a few lines where he's trying to convince Lars this might just be real. Lars brushes him off saying it's just a LARP and he's in it to beat up some goth kids. Squeaky Gun!
51-60 Minutes
“Time for Mr. Frog's Wild Ride.” - oh god. Don't let my step day hear you say that. Thats his favorite Disney ride. Lars and Claus film the 'intro' to the show and Lars is a fucking moron. “Haunted slaughter house thats now a nest of vampires built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground where they use to burn witches.” Someone eat this SOB already. More stalking the rooms, Zoe finds one of the promise rings and Edgar responds “Virgins. Vampire Flet Menion.” Lars and Claus actually find Peter but as Lars says “it's too early in the show” and they leave him. They've now got him on 9 drips of the yellow shit. Edgar and Zoe find Trash's body when they are set on by Lilly and the unnamed Blond. We'll get back to that however, first lets go see Lars die...
Lars ditches his gear. Hear we go folks. It's time. Kurk the big bald bastard of a vampire has set up a trap. Lars falls for it. Kurk does let Lars punch him a few times and Lars knocks out one of his fangs. Now comes the line that makes Kurk the single most interesting vampire in the entire movie. “This is it! I have waited 300 years for a good fight!” - Ok. You have my attention. Yes, I want to know more about this vampire. - He opens his mouth and his fang grows back, beats Lars to pulp before ripping his heart out with his bare hand.
Awww... I'm sorry the fight wasn't all you hoped it would be Kurk, I really am. Now watch out behind you. Too late. He's staked and dusted by Claus. Two things... One: So much for every vampire dying a different way. So far every single one in this movie has turned into lava-fluff. Like a popped bean-bag chair. Two: Ok, Claus deserves to survive this.
Back to Edgar and Zoe. Blond grabs Zoe and is holding her off camera so we can focus our attention on Edgar and Lilly. Both draw swords, bot complement each others outfits, Lilly kicks Edgar's ass. I'm sorry Alan, but my inner David gave a hell of a cheer when Lilly runs Edgar through with her sword. Zoe seeing the man she's in love with about to die, BACK KICKS THE BLOND 6 FEET onto a stake. (a clue!) she pulls the sword out of him and he promptly passes out. We get one last look at the body of Lars before Zoe and Claus and carry Edgar back to the beach.
On the beach we get the last of the flashbacks and the one I think works the best. Edgar is delirious with pain and slipping in and out of it. Of course it's all a bit much for a stab in the shoulder. Which is pretty much the best place possible to get stabbed as you have the best chances of recovery sans the ass. If not for the flash back this scene would not be nearly as effective. It's the scene where he and Alan first reach out to Sam. Telling him about vampires and offering him their friendship. It's the moment when 2 becomes 3 and the “Monster Bashers” are born. We know that two are down... Sam is dead, Alan a halfling. Might two become three once more since it's well established that Edgar is clinically depressed and feels he has nothing worth living for?
The it's over and we are forced to see a shirtless Corey on the the beach. The injury was mostly painful after all and he's well enough to get his gear back on and dive back in. “Pay back's a bitch.” Just as the Blood Moon rises above them. Oh.. Almost forgot this bit of traded dialogue: “Where's your boss? Von Geek?” “Some big massive juggernaut of a vampire got him. Tore his heart right out of his chest. I got it on tape though.” “Really? I'd like to see that when you get get a chance.” Claus smiles “I'd like that” “Thanks.”
61-70 Minutes WE'RE ALMOST DONE!
The party is well underway and Lilly is in a skimpy red dress handing out vials of thirst to the crowd. - See guys. The thirst is red. It's different than what they are giving Peter. I know, I keep pointing it out and you'll soon find out why, if is isn't already perfectly transparent to you. X appears on stand, spin for literally 2 seconds before yelling “are you ready for a sacrifice?” and wheeling Peter out. Edgar and gang have somehow managed to get back stage, well, under the stage, unnoticed as the entire mob of topless dancers becomes a thousand strong mob of halflings.
Ooooo Meta. : Note... I've tried freeze framing and looking for him out in the crowd but I have yet to spot him. Here's there alright. Just... argh.
Edgar tells everyone to hang back, he's only got one hokey-puck-o-death to take out X. Umm... better plan... all rush the stage and distract Lilly while you take out X or else you, know.. she'll kick your ass again. Yeah... No. Since when would Edgar ever do the smart thing? He gets his ass kicked by Lilly again, but this time while he's on his back he grabs a record, breaks it, slits her throat with it then stakes it. The crowd actually boos for a second. Too bad he dropped the hockey puck into the vat of yellow shit. Zoe and Gwen jump in and go swimming to get it while Claus uses the UV torch to keep the halflings back. Great. Now we have a crowd full of sunburned boobies. Thats nice.
More freeze framing the crowd shots looking for him...still can't find him. I'm telling you guys he's a ninja.
X attempts to talk Edgar to death yet allows to him to draw his sword while X himself wields a short-spear. They fight to the music and you can see that X is going easy on him. He lets Edgar get back up something like 5 times before Alan's finally had enough of this guys mouth and steps in with an audience wide cheer and the phrase “Yeah, Don't Monologue”. Yay! The best part of the movie just came back into it! HOLY SHIT! ALAN CAN FLY! Did you see that? No? Pause, rewind and watch again... I'll wait. Screw it. I've got a screen cap.
Alan establishes himself as an utter badass at this point. Dual Wielding FTW! Get him Alan! Zoe comes up from the garlic water hockey puck in hand and while Alan is whooping X's ass, gives it to Edgar who uses it to impale X many times. Both Edgar and Alan, as one, 'stake' X via their swords and X explodes in more lava fluff. Alan cuts down Peter while Edgar turns off the music and looks out at the crowd and “The party is officially over. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here.”
No one moves. Alan knows why. Peter and Gwen are making out and while everyone is going eww Alan calls Edgar over and while Alan's eyes are no longer white, he still has his fangs. Zoe calls Edgar over cause he needs this shit spelled out for him, and Zoe tells him they were pumping Peter full of garlic water. Alan is already raising his sword as Edgar finally figures out that Peter is the head vampire and they were keeping him weak so X could cannibalize him and thus become the head. We flash back to 1031 and Peter is leading a pack of vampire on the hunt. He steals David's most iconic line (grrrrr) and we're back to the present.
Gwen was working for Peter all along (yeah no shit) to deliver to him Edgar. Alan's not happy with the news and grows low. Before Alan get to kill Gwen Peter does it himself by bitting her throat out. Alan's not happy with Pete's chosen method of execution wither it's for the waisted blood or pure disgust we'd have to ask Jamison. Peter shouts to the crown that “They're all yours.” and takes flight backwards. Alan charges after him but stops when Edgar calls his name. Edgar having realized he's now in a clusterfuck tells Zoe that she and Claus need to get the hell out of here and warn the world about what's about to happen. He also realizes, from her reaction, that she likes him “that way” and no they don't kiss. He says “just go.”
71-80 Minutes
He and Alan run off after Peter and Zoe and Claus run for town. Both brothers are ready to violence the shit out of something but Peter gets the drop on Alan, literally, wraps a chain around Alan's neck, back hands Edgar across the room into some random crap, and while Edgar is screaming in pain from a direct blow to his stab wound, Peter yanks another chain and lifts Alan some three feet into the air by his neck.
((ooo ouch. Not fatal to a halfling but it'll hurt like a bitch I'm sure)) Peter stalks about the room like a cocky twat talking about how he owes Edgar for killing X because a “father can't kill him children” and now that X was a dumbass and fucked with the population so badly, he needs Edgar to turn into a vampire and he wants him to be his bloodhound. Or as Edgar puts it “You want be to be your own personal hemo-sucking hitman.”
Edgar refuses no less than 4 times “You'll have to kill me first.” before he swallows the pain, picks up his sword and with a look of supreme determination and pissed off will …. overbalances as he swings... of course he screws up people! This is Edgar Frog we're talking about. If it worked he didn't do it right. Peter yanks on another chain, letting Alan down and --- now I REALLY want this prick dead --- steals one of Alan's own lines from the orig movie “Kill your brother. You'll feel better.”
Alan's eyes turn red as he falls under Peters control, though it is obvious he's fighting it, and he jerks his way close to Edgar who is begging his brother not to do this. Alan grabs Edgar's sword by the blade, gut-checks him, Edgar almost punches Jamison's beret and wig off, Alan punches Edgar into face until he spits blood. Ok. Now here is where I believe Alan was is complete control of himself the entire time and knew what he was doing... he had a plan guys.
Because, Corey's a midget, Alan's got to give his brother a boost... He lifts Edgar up within reach of some hoses. Hoses you say? That can't hurt a vampire. As he sprays Peter down with water Peter has the same reaction. He laughs. Another held over bit from the Tribe... Edgar had himself ordained as a priest. He blesses the water that hit Peter. Alan puts down Edgar and Peter explodes. Alan looks back at where Peter was then back at his brother. They hug. The punches to the face never happened as far as they are concerned. Alan is fully human again and Edgar could cry he's so happy. You can see it on each of their faces during the hug... sure they're acting tough, but when they hug... they are glad to have each other back.
Cut to the beach. And possibly the one and only time we will ever see Alan 'happy'. He's lounging in a chair, sipping a drink and grinning at the sun. Out of character? Yes. Very. But it's also the one situation conceivable that this would be ok. He just spent 5 years as a halfling, setting a new world record for stubborn sob who refuses to fully turn. Let him have this moment.
Cut to Edgar in Zoe's shop. He's now taking care of himself fully. He's tamed his hair folks! And now that he's got his brother back, and a girlfriend, it seems he's kicked his depression. Good news from Zoe! She's made enough from the ebay sales to get the bank off Edgar's back. Edgar is also “expanding” his areas of expertise to include the other critters who go bump in the night and they talk werewolves for a moment. Normally borderline-perky Zoe goes quiet, calls it a 'theory' and the last shot of the movie is of her looking at the camera with wolfs eyes. I told you all that shit about her was important didn't I?
Overall: What the hell did I just watch?
Peter's not the one who 'turned' Alan. Now Alan's human? Does that mean Peter really was the Master vampire after all and now there are no more vampires, anywhere in the world? They're all gone? That sucks.... But wait... I thought Grandpa Emerson said that it doesn't work that way in the comics? Didn't he say that once you fully turn there is no going back? Well, Alan wasn't a full vampire... of if the Master dies then all /halflings/ the world over will revert? There's gonna be a shit tonne of pissed off vampires out there who's plans were just fucked.
I have decided one thing... I'm not too sure a TV show would work. Edgar doesn't know what he's doing and thats the charm of the Frog Brothers. He still hasn't changed. He's still “lucking” through it. He wont read 'real' books, he still watches cartoons, and he still leans on better suited friends. Yes, he did manage to kill the villain but it's the first time out of three movies and bumbling through it nearly cost him his brother. Also you have to consider what else works. Lost Boys vampires are violent and thats what we'll accept. Nothing less than violence and you can't show that during prime time. I can see the Frogs willing to work with a halfling, especially after what Alan went though, but that halfling needs to be as close to the edge as possible and nearly as dangerous as a vampire.
I also think I like half-vampire Alan. Better than a human Alan. Adds something more to the relationship and increases the chances of survival for Edgar if Alan can 'go there'. Alan has without a doubt raised his game considerably to “ninja”. But I fear that now that he's human again he might loose some of that badassary. And come on... ALAN COULD FLY.
I would love to see more of Blake and Claus and here's hoping Edgar NEVER finds out his girlfriend is a werewolf or he'll never go outside again.
Ninja!Alan FTW!
Oh... Ps: Here's the soundtrack Info:
((I paused the end credits and copied it down))
Replica by Hyper
Vampire At Bat by William Lava
I Love Sex by Benassi Brothers
Distracted by Corey's band Truth Movement
I Got The Blues by Glen Morris
Tear It Up by White Demons
Merrily We Roll Along by Murray Mencher
Vegas by Vandalism
Planetary Run by Joe Montgomery
Hell Yeah by London To Tokyo
Devil's Got My Soul by The Blackest Bones
Toxic Is Dead by The Toxic Avenger
Kill Me Every Time by Blue Stahll
The real Dream by The Gunnery
New Revoultion by The Waking Hours
and the background score is by Elia Cmiral