sickness...fourth seat...life...break...
so, i'm sick as a dog... fucking cold because i work myself too thin... coughing & runny nose with slight fever really blows on the first day of spring break... so there's that.
and i'm in this weird place again. i've kind of found my niche to get out of that "i have no real friends" rut... but it comes and goes... i've moved up from acquaintance to that person who you talk to until someone more interesting walks in the room... better, or worse, take your pick... i mean i love my friends, i would do anything for them... i want to get closer to the ones i'm not as close to...
but JUST once, I wanna fill the fourth seat. I'm engaged, not dead... i still drink, i want to party... the life isn't gone... when 3 people leave in a car somewhere... the fourth seat is empty and those 3 people will call someone to fill it... i just want to be that person. the like two times that has happened recently... it's not been because i don't WANT to come... i've just legit had a reason... (first time - kevin felt awkward and didn't want to go anywhere... second time - i had a meeting)... so people invite me, i guess... i don't know what i'm complaining about... i don't know... it's just sinking in that i'm only here like 2 1/3 more months in total and those opportunities become less and less frequent to get closer to the acquaintance/friends i have. I mean, i know i suck in groups of people; i get awkward, i tell stories i've told a million times because i forget who i told them to. i'm engaged... i'm not fucking dead... i haven't stopped being fun, have i? am i less interesting because i'm engaged? i don't know... i shouldn't even post this, i blame it on the drugs i'm on for this fucking fever/cold.
life is good otherwise, i guess... got graduation/separation blues... when i come back to visit... is anyone going to care? i don't know... i'm in a weird place... i don't know what i'm doing for the summer... that sucks... i'm really poor... that sucks worse... i have a lot of homework not to mention a thesis to write over break...
i miss my brothers... i miss devon & chel... i miss my mom... i don't miss my dad, but no surprise there...
i'm fucking terrified of losing my underclassman friends...
and i don't know how to amend that...
because i don't even have their phone numbers... and we've never actually hung out... and i'm to chickenshit to be the one to initiate it.
i'm an idiot, i'm drugged up, i'm going to work on some sort of homework i'm just going to have to re-do later.
meh... maybe i'll see hamlet tomorrow again... tragedies cheer me up.
and i'm in this weird place again. i've kind of found my niche to get out of that "i have no real friends" rut... but it comes and goes... i've moved up from acquaintance to that person who you talk to until someone more interesting walks in the room... better, or worse, take your pick... i mean i love my friends, i would do anything for them... i want to get closer to the ones i'm not as close to...
but JUST once, I wanna fill the fourth seat. I'm engaged, not dead... i still drink, i want to party... the life isn't gone... when 3 people leave in a car somewhere... the fourth seat is empty and those 3 people will call someone to fill it... i just want to be that person. the like two times that has happened recently... it's not been because i don't WANT to come... i've just legit had a reason... (first time - kevin felt awkward and didn't want to go anywhere... second time - i had a meeting)... so people invite me, i guess... i don't know what i'm complaining about... i don't know... it's just sinking in that i'm only here like 2 1/3 more months in total and those opportunities become less and less frequent to get closer to the acquaintance/friends i have. I mean, i know i suck in groups of people; i get awkward, i tell stories i've told a million times because i forget who i told them to. i'm engaged... i'm not fucking dead... i haven't stopped being fun, have i? am i less interesting because i'm engaged? i don't know... i shouldn't even post this, i blame it on the drugs i'm on for this fucking fever/cold.
life is good otherwise, i guess... got graduation/separation blues... when i come back to visit... is anyone going to care? i don't know... i'm in a weird place... i don't know what i'm doing for the summer... that sucks... i'm really poor... that sucks worse... i have a lot of homework not to mention a thesis to write over break...
i miss my brothers... i miss devon & chel... i miss my mom... i don't miss my dad, but no surprise there...
i'm fucking terrified of losing my underclassman friends...
and i don't know how to amend that...
because i don't even have their phone numbers... and we've never actually hung out... and i'm to chickenshit to be the one to initiate it.
i'm an idiot, i'm drugged up, i'm going to work on some sort of homework i'm just going to have to re-do later.
meh... maybe i'll see hamlet tomorrow again... tragedies cheer me up.