hmmm...
Something i've just realized:
The fear I have of graduating isn't really about persuing a career in theatre, finding work, financing an apartment in NYC, getting married, or paying the bills...
It's about the friendships that my graduating will put in jeapordy. I'm terrified... how odd that when I really look deep into myself that those are the things I'm afraid of. I'm not as frightened about the friends I've had for a while, my classmates, my good ol' hug members, my friends that i've grown at hofstra with... I'm terrified of losing my new friends.
This year started out extremely difficult for me because I have had so many acquaintances while I was here and few (but fantastic) friends... and so when the year started with Alpha Psi and meeting the freshman, my first instinct was to step back - not get too close - because I was going to lose them in a year anyway...
And then came the family that is Alpha Psi (who i have no doubt will forever be family)... and I let myself get to know a few freshman thanks to the lovely addition of the drama lounge... and I found friends who saved me from my rut, from my chronic depression, from my fear of not being accepted.
The realization about how I might lose them came last night while I was thinking about "my boyz" back home: Kyle, Andrew, Jason, Scott, & Chris... I know i haven't "lost" them, and all it takes is a phone call to get them back...but a chemistry has been lost. I doubt jason and I can still go through an entire deck of cards and know what each other is thinking 85% of the time. And the way things have changed from the first time I visited home from NY (walking into Kyle's basement... and getting tackled with excitement from all 5 of them) to the last time i visited MI (barely a look up; a returned hug after I initiated it; and Kyle was the only one to really talk to me). And though each of them promised to visit me before I graduated... I doubt Chris, Andrew, & Scott will fulfill their end of the bargain (Jason & Kyle visited freshman year). ANd seeing what happened to that friendship frightens me about the future.
In the same way those boys saved me from depression, shyness, and unacceptance... 5 hofstra freshman have done the same. The day I doubted these 5 thought of me as an acquaintance rather than a friend, the freakiest thing happened. I had just wrote in my actual journal how I feared they thought of me as an acquaintance rather than a friend... which digressed into the first time I visited MI when I got tackled... I happened to be in the student center at 11:05... just when rehearsals got out. 4 of the 5 were crossing the unispan among the gaggle of drama kids that passed through the student center. And EACH of them... the people who reminded me that I still knew how to make friends... broke the group trail, to take a detour to make sure to give me a hug or a "hey kelly!" whether it was to twirl me and recite shakespeare lines, or hug me to the point that they lifted me up... they unknowingly destroyed my doubts and accepted me as more than an acquaintance... as a friend.
So, thank you: Aria Warrick, Adam Griffith, Pat Harmon, Mike Quattrone, & Matt Mavroides... you reminded me that I still could make friends... that I still had the qualities for people to consider me a friend... and I hope to god when I visit or when I see you... I'll never lose that special friendship status to get tackled with excitement.
The fear I have of graduating isn't really about persuing a career in theatre, finding work, financing an apartment in NYC, getting married, or paying the bills...
It's about the friendships that my graduating will put in jeapordy. I'm terrified... how odd that when I really look deep into myself that those are the things I'm afraid of. I'm not as frightened about the friends I've had for a while, my classmates, my good ol' hug members, my friends that i've grown at hofstra with... I'm terrified of losing my new friends.
This year started out extremely difficult for me because I have had so many acquaintances while I was here and few (but fantastic) friends... and so when the year started with Alpha Psi and meeting the freshman, my first instinct was to step back - not get too close - because I was going to lose them in a year anyway...
And then came the family that is Alpha Psi (who i have no doubt will forever be family)... and I let myself get to know a few freshman thanks to the lovely addition of the drama lounge... and I found friends who saved me from my rut, from my chronic depression, from my fear of not being accepted.
The realization about how I might lose them came last night while I was thinking about "my boyz" back home: Kyle, Andrew, Jason, Scott, & Chris... I know i haven't "lost" them, and all it takes is a phone call to get them back...but a chemistry has been lost. I doubt jason and I can still go through an entire deck of cards and know what each other is thinking 85% of the time. And the way things have changed from the first time I visited home from NY (walking into Kyle's basement... and getting tackled with excitement from all 5 of them) to the last time i visited MI (barely a look up; a returned hug after I initiated it; and Kyle was the only one to really talk to me). And though each of them promised to visit me before I graduated... I doubt Chris, Andrew, & Scott will fulfill their end of the bargain (Jason & Kyle visited freshman year). ANd seeing what happened to that friendship frightens me about the future.
In the same way those boys saved me from depression, shyness, and unacceptance... 5 hofstra freshman have done the same. The day I doubted these 5 thought of me as an acquaintance rather than a friend, the freakiest thing happened. I had just wrote in my actual journal how I feared they thought of me as an acquaintance rather than a friend... which digressed into the first time I visited MI when I got tackled... I happened to be in the student center at 11:05... just when rehearsals got out. 4 of the 5 were crossing the unispan among the gaggle of drama kids that passed through the student center. And EACH of them... the people who reminded me that I still knew how to make friends... broke the group trail, to take a detour to make sure to give me a hug or a "hey kelly!" whether it was to twirl me and recite shakespeare lines, or hug me to the point that they lifted me up... they unknowingly destroyed my doubts and accepted me as more than an acquaintance... as a friend.
So, thank you: Aria Warrick, Adam Griffith, Pat Harmon, Mike Quattrone, & Matt Mavroides... you reminded me that I still could make friends... that I still had the qualities for people to consider me a friend... and I hope to god when I visit or when I see you... I'll never lose that special friendship status to get tackled with excitement.