how.fucking.embarrassing.
so...
on the day of auditions i wake up with barely any voice and a slight fever. I still do my audition with surprising clarity, and get good responses from the directors.
so how FUCKING embarrassing that me, a SENIOR BFA who's never had a chance to play a female character that had a name, doesn't even warrant a call back.
so why the hell am i in this field anyway?
i can't be good at it. people who are good at it have gotten at least a part with some sort of depth. or at least a CALL BACK for a part with depth.
Oh yes, i realize that "even though you didn't get a call-back you still could get cast" yes, i know... as crowd person #4 in hamlet or skin of our teeth where i would get to watch an under classman - OR an upper classman who has ALREADY HAD A CHANCE at a decent part - while I once again get lost in the crowd of the first bow (if whatever director decides to give me a bow). but to not even have a FUCKING chance to try.
why do i bother? why did i waste my money coming here to be a performance major if i'm not any good... and apparently i'm NOT... if i were i would have at least got a call back, i'm a fucking SENIOR who never got a shot.
and people may say, "oh, you have Peter next semester" yeah; my thesis that i'm WRITING...
i went to school to be an actor. i thought i would be at least decent at it. i thought i would have worked hard enough for the HEAD OF THE DEPARTMENT to say, "hey, kelly's never had a chance... let's at least call her back for one FUCKING role"
but no, apparently i suck and am in the wrong field...
what an eye opener to not get a call back in a college campus as a senior BFA... what a waste of an education... what a waste of time... what a waste of a life.
if i can't make it here, at some random COLLEGE, how on earth would i make it in the real world.
that was my chance... maybe the fever and sore throat disrupted my performance more than i thought... but i doubt it made any difference... because i really pushed the monologue out.
how.fucking.embarrassing.
especially with cliff and felicia there, so supportive and staying up with me; even walking there with me - clearly off territories, being non-drama majors - because they knew how much it meant... i just wanted to make someone proud.
so what do i have to look forward to? the random-ass chance i'll get a part as a one-liner in a crowd scene? what's worse? i don't even have a FUCKING chance.
and right now i hate my life... you know, in trying to find a bright side, i just can't.
went to the film fest,, and i'm not any better on film than i am on stage... maybe if i get more experience.
but why the hell would anyone want to put me in anything?
so here i am, in my room. alone. depressed. extremely ill (last i checked 101.5 temp and my voice is worse). and i want to jump out the window because i'm still just so FUCKING embarrassed.
on the day of auditions i wake up with barely any voice and a slight fever. I still do my audition with surprising clarity, and get good responses from the directors.
so how FUCKING embarrassing that me, a SENIOR BFA who's never had a chance to play a female character that had a name, doesn't even warrant a call back.
so why the hell am i in this field anyway?
i can't be good at it. people who are good at it have gotten at least a part with some sort of depth. or at least a CALL BACK for a part with depth.
Oh yes, i realize that "even though you didn't get a call-back you still could get cast" yes, i know... as crowd person #4 in hamlet or skin of our teeth where i would get to watch an under classman - OR an upper classman who has ALREADY HAD A CHANCE at a decent part - while I once again get lost in the crowd of the first bow (if whatever director decides to give me a bow). but to not even have a FUCKING chance to try.
why do i bother? why did i waste my money coming here to be a performance major if i'm not any good... and apparently i'm NOT... if i were i would have at least got a call back, i'm a fucking SENIOR who never got a shot.
and people may say, "oh, you have Peter next semester" yeah; my thesis that i'm WRITING...
i went to school to be an actor. i thought i would be at least decent at it. i thought i would have worked hard enough for the HEAD OF THE DEPARTMENT to say, "hey, kelly's never had a chance... let's at least call her back for one FUCKING role"
but no, apparently i suck and am in the wrong field...
what an eye opener to not get a call back in a college campus as a senior BFA... what a waste of an education... what a waste of time... what a waste of a life.
if i can't make it here, at some random COLLEGE, how on earth would i make it in the real world.
that was my chance... maybe the fever and sore throat disrupted my performance more than i thought... but i doubt it made any difference... because i really pushed the monologue out.
how.fucking.embarrassing.
especially with cliff and felicia there, so supportive and staying up with me; even walking there with me - clearly off territories, being non-drama majors - because they knew how much it meant... i just wanted to make someone proud.
so what do i have to look forward to? the random-ass chance i'll get a part as a one-liner in a crowd scene? what's worse? i don't even have a FUCKING chance.
and right now i hate my life... you know, in trying to find a bright side, i just can't.
went to the film fest,, and i'm not any better on film than i am on stage... maybe if i get more experience.
but why the hell would anyone want to put me in anything?
so here i am, in my room. alone. depressed. extremely ill (last i checked 101.5 temp and my voice is worse). and i want to jump out the window because i'm still just so FUCKING embarrassed.