explanation of shitty mood:
past week or so has been pretty shitty...
here's the short end as of why:
so... in being cast eary in the semester; i've had a bunch of "free" time... in having this free time, i get to spend time with kev (problem: he's working, and he's free monday-wed all day and thurs-sun morning/afternoons; i'm free mon-wed late night, and thurs-sun evenings) but, it's basically made me realize that i've "wasted" a lot of college on being too busy...
and now that i'm not "too busy" and have time to make more friends; it seems i've forgotton how...
everyone whose been here already has their established group of friends, seniors - sophomores... and this years freshman class seems great and there's a bunch of people in it that i would get along great with... IF i remember how to do the whole "friend" thing... and i'm kind of shy in a department where i don't shine or stand out...
part of me is saying "oh, god; i'm going to graduate, i better get ready for the real world and concentrate on that... i'm only here for a lil over a semester, so why bother with stuff here"
but most of me is SCREAMING "oh, god; have i wasted so much time in taking extra classes and being a part of so many clubs that i missed college... am i going to look back on this like i do on high school and say, 'i wonder what life would have been like if i didn't have dance 35 hours a week; and rehearsals for plays i was in; and rehearsals for plays i choreographed; or not busted my ass to be valedictorian; i wonder what it would have been like to have friends.'"
what if i didn't study as much, instead I practiced smash or megaman or pokemon or folding those cute little paper stars, so i had something to play/discuss with felicia, erik, cliff, and sandro; so when we hang out... i'm not the only one not doing another task...
what if i had the balls to sing & dance again, and auditioned for the masquerade shows; so that i could dance and sing and get involved in more shows... in that case; what if i never had my surgeries, so i wouldn't have great teeth, but i would still have been able to sing the way i used to sing when i was confident...
what if i remembered how to make friends... friends that you do something with... i've only really had that once in my busy life... but i used to make time for it... but then i had devon, to push and nudge me, and literally pull me into andrew's basment that fateful night in february '03 when i met my boyz at home and they changed my life... they're the only friends i've really ever had to make, everyone else i already knew from childhood...
what if i knew how to make friends...
i am a "loner" and i HATE it... i hate sitting in my room alone... i hate walking into a large group of people, who i KNOW and get ignored... i don't remember how to talk to people... i don't remember how to let people in...
i don't remember how to say, "hey, i'm lonely... help me... call me when you're going out... call me when you're staying in... this is my phone number..."
but it is so appreciated these past few weeks when i'm in the drama lounge, and i get a "hi, it's kelly cole" from matt leclair; or a hug from pat harman because he knows something's wrong, but doesn't know me well enough to fix it; or a good talk from whitney stone... who goes out of her way to sit next to me in class now... so i feel like a real person.
and part of me says, "hey, but you DO have friends, remember?" well... i ADORE felicia (whose prob. the closest thing to a sister i've ever had) & erik & cliff & sandro...but, like i said, i suck at video games (LIKE HALO) unless it's soul cal (and that's more "my game" than theirs), but i feel out of the loop during discussions on smash, or beast wars, or pokemon... and i have kate & dan & christina; but schedules never work, and it seems email has become a way to communicate... what's with that??? and then there's adam, who has been a great friend; but we're at the same and opposite place, if that makes any sense... and the "family" of alpha psi forgets i'm there, and i'm kind of the little sister who doesn't really do much, and is overlooked unless she speaks up.
and that's about it... yeah; i have acquaintances, but i don't remember how to get close to people... you know, REALLY, let them in... these past four years i didn't have an outgoing devon to show me the way, to drag me into andrew's basement... i didn't have someone who totally understands my view on faith, or a best friend, or someone to shop with while we pretend we're millinoaires...
is it to late to make friends if you don't know how...
i'm an "adult" when the hell did this happen?
have i become that "adult" whose getting married so she's not fun anymore... or was i ever fun???
long story short... i'm alone... even when i'm with people, i'm alone... because i don't remember how to make friends, and the friends i had in high school have moved on with their lives and settled... i'm about to settle... and all i want is to never grow up... all i want is frieds...
if anyone saw my last reading of Peter, let me explain when i cried... NOT when mab died... but during this piece of dialog:
PETER: you already lived up all your fun when you were a boy.
JAMES: But I’m still a boy.
PETER: How old are you?
JAMES: Twenty.
PETER: You’re an old man. You already had your fun.
JAMES: But I didn’t.
PETER: Than that’s your fault.
the reason i'm sad; the reason i missed out on life...
it's my own damn fault.
here's the short end as of why:
so... in being cast eary in the semester; i've had a bunch of "free" time... in having this free time, i get to spend time with kev (problem: he's working, and he's free monday-wed all day and thurs-sun morning/afternoons; i'm free mon-wed late night, and thurs-sun evenings) but, it's basically made me realize that i've "wasted" a lot of college on being too busy...
and now that i'm not "too busy" and have time to make more friends; it seems i've forgotton how...
everyone whose been here already has their established group of friends, seniors - sophomores... and this years freshman class seems great and there's a bunch of people in it that i would get along great with... IF i remember how to do the whole "friend" thing... and i'm kind of shy in a department where i don't shine or stand out...
part of me is saying "oh, god; i'm going to graduate, i better get ready for the real world and concentrate on that... i'm only here for a lil over a semester, so why bother with stuff here"
but most of me is SCREAMING "oh, god; have i wasted so much time in taking extra classes and being a part of so many clubs that i missed college... am i going to look back on this like i do on high school and say, 'i wonder what life would have been like if i didn't have dance 35 hours a week; and rehearsals for plays i was in; and rehearsals for plays i choreographed; or not busted my ass to be valedictorian; i wonder what it would have been like to have friends.'"
what if i didn't study as much, instead I practiced smash or megaman or pokemon or folding those cute little paper stars, so i had something to play/discuss with felicia, erik, cliff, and sandro; so when we hang out... i'm not the only one not doing another task...
what if i had the balls to sing & dance again, and auditioned for the masquerade shows; so that i could dance and sing and get involved in more shows... in that case; what if i never had my surgeries, so i wouldn't have great teeth, but i would still have been able to sing the way i used to sing when i was confident...
what if i remembered how to make friends... friends that you do something with... i've only really had that once in my busy life... but i used to make time for it... but then i had devon, to push and nudge me, and literally pull me into andrew's basment that fateful night in february '03 when i met my boyz at home and they changed my life... they're the only friends i've really ever had to make, everyone else i already knew from childhood...
what if i knew how to make friends...
i am a "loner" and i HATE it... i hate sitting in my room alone... i hate walking into a large group of people, who i KNOW and get ignored... i don't remember how to talk to people... i don't remember how to let people in...
i don't remember how to say, "hey, i'm lonely... help me... call me when you're going out... call me when you're staying in... this is my phone number..."
but it is so appreciated these past few weeks when i'm in the drama lounge, and i get a "hi, it's kelly cole" from matt leclair; or a hug from pat harman because he knows something's wrong, but doesn't know me well enough to fix it; or a good talk from whitney stone... who goes out of her way to sit next to me in class now... so i feel like a real person.
and part of me says, "hey, but you DO have friends, remember?" well... i ADORE felicia (whose prob. the closest thing to a sister i've ever had) & erik & cliff & sandro...but, like i said, i suck at video games (LIKE HALO) unless it's soul cal (and that's more "my game" than theirs), but i feel out of the loop during discussions on smash, or beast wars, or pokemon... and i have kate & dan & christina; but schedules never work, and it seems email has become a way to communicate... what's with that??? and then there's adam, who has been a great friend; but we're at the same and opposite place, if that makes any sense... and the "family" of alpha psi forgets i'm there, and i'm kind of the little sister who doesn't really do much, and is overlooked unless she speaks up.
and that's about it... yeah; i have acquaintances, but i don't remember how to get close to people... you know, REALLY, let them in... these past four years i didn't have an outgoing devon to show me the way, to drag me into andrew's basement... i didn't have someone who totally understands my view on faith, or a best friend, or someone to shop with while we pretend we're millinoaires...
is it to late to make friends if you don't know how...
i'm an "adult" when the hell did this happen?
have i become that "adult" whose getting married so she's not fun anymore... or was i ever fun???
long story short... i'm alone... even when i'm with people, i'm alone... because i don't remember how to make friends, and the friends i had in high school have moved on with their lives and settled... i'm about to settle... and all i want is to never grow up... all i want is frieds...
if anyone saw my last reading of Peter, let me explain when i cried... NOT when mab died... but during this piece of dialog:
PETER: you already lived up all your fun when you were a boy.
JAMES: But I’m still a boy.
PETER: How old are you?
JAMES: Twenty.
PETER: You’re an old man. You already had your fun.
JAMES: But I didn’t.
PETER: Than that’s your fault.
the reason i'm sad; the reason i missed out on life...
it's my own damn fault.