Do I have a remarkable phobia?
The front page asked me that. I wouldn't say any phobia is necessarily any kind of anything like remarkable... someone has felt it, someone has known what that phobia is like.
But really thats what the root of all of our problems boil down to. FEAR! I used to think I wasn't afraid of anything, and maybe I wasn't. But now I am. I'm afraid of a lot of things. I pray. I write about it most of the time. Mostly I am afraid of abandonment and rejection. MOSTLY.
But that hardly includes everything.
Ummm... I have to train at work today. That can be a little frightening as well. Because I dont already know everything and I expect myself to know it all. I think that stems from my mom. She expects me to know everything too. It's kinda ironic that I ever let her actions make me feel like I need to do everything right and know it all... because thats part of what got me into big shit in the first place if you know what I mean.
Im really excited about starting to write in here again. I will have plenty of time to do it since Myspace and the such are all blocked and this is the only site I could log onto. AND I will have plenty of time to get things done during the day and still have plenty of time left over. If you know what I mean. Except sometimes my boss likes to talk a lot... so I may be writing some entries while listening to him ramble.
I ran into some old friends yesterday. Hung out there last night and jammed with them. It was pretty cool. BUT I keep hearing "If you keep going to the barbershop you're going to eventually get a haircut" scrolling through my ears. Sooo... I think time over there should definitely be limited. But then, a part of me felt normal. For just a moment. But the delusion that I am like other people has been smashed... and it didnt feel good. And even if only for a moment I get the privelage of feeling normal, it never lasts long.
Then again... what is normal? And whatever it is, they certainly dont classfy either, they just dont have a deadly disease like I do. Then again, who am I to judge.
I hope Thomas doesn't die. That would suck.
I feel myself slacking on my program. I feel myself slacking spiritually.
I prayed for willingness.
That is all.
But really thats what the root of all of our problems boil down to. FEAR! I used to think I wasn't afraid of anything, and maybe I wasn't. But now I am. I'm afraid of a lot of things. I pray. I write about it most of the time. Mostly I am afraid of abandonment and rejection. MOSTLY.
But that hardly includes everything.
Ummm... I have to train at work today. That can be a little frightening as well. Because I dont already know everything and I expect myself to know it all. I think that stems from my mom. She expects me to know everything too. It's kinda ironic that I ever let her actions make me feel like I need to do everything right and know it all... because thats part of what got me into big shit in the first place if you know what I mean.
Im really excited about starting to write in here again. I will have plenty of time to do it since Myspace and the such are all blocked and this is the only site I could log onto. AND I will have plenty of time to get things done during the day and still have plenty of time left over. If you know what I mean. Except sometimes my boss likes to talk a lot... so I may be writing some entries while listening to him ramble.
I ran into some old friends yesterday. Hung out there last night and jammed with them. It was pretty cool. BUT I keep hearing "If you keep going to the barbershop you're going to eventually get a haircut" scrolling through my ears. Sooo... I think time over there should definitely be limited. But then, a part of me felt normal. For just a moment. But the delusion that I am like other people has been smashed... and it didnt feel good. And even if only for a moment I get the privelage of feeling normal, it never lasts long.
Then again... what is normal? And whatever it is, they certainly dont classfy either, they just dont have a deadly disease like I do. Then again, who am I to judge.
I hope Thomas doesn't die. That would suck.
I feel myself slacking on my program. I feel myself slacking spiritually.
I prayed for willingness.
That is all.