Jul 16, 2007 02:46
For some reason I just caught myself thinking about him. My ex, that I was with for almost 4 years. I never really think about him, other than if I hear some crazy rap song that he used to love ont he radio. As much as Im not in love with him anymore, and am sure of that, it kills me. All of it was so painful. The whole entire relationship was fucked in more ways than one. I was so hopeless and in love with him. I took myself to hell every time I decided to go back to him. People used to tell me all the time that I would wake up one day and that those feelings would be gone, and that did happen. Through anger with him, I lost those feelings I thought I had for him.
I'm not even quite sure where it happened... but I think it might have been the day he came and visited me in jail and he was FUCKED up... passing out on the other side of the glass... and I could smell him through the talking holes, he smelled like cheap cigarettes. I don't know what clicked inside me that day... nothing like that had ever happened to me before. That wasn't even the worst of what I had been through with him. Of course, you hear him tell you about it and he was such a fucking victim.
I think Im still angry. That would make the most sense to me. Just pissed off. That man hurt me time and time and time again and I gave him all I had to give until there was nothing left. And now I wonder if he didn't fuck me up for life. I mean, it wasnt all just him that was doing to fucking over. We were addicts in active addiction, and with that comes a lot of heartbreak.
I dont know...
I think some days I might miss him just a little bit..
I dont know why.
I guess because we went through hell, LITERALLY together for 4 years of my life. I shared that much of my life with someone who I did love.
I dont know, I guess Im grieving.
Anyway I wrote this for her:
In your presence
I stand dominated by this feeling
One that consumes me
My thoughts are restless
As my heart is flooded
A tide that rolls in
Welcomed by your voice
And your touch overcomes me
I am slowly unraveling
And in your presence
I stand helplessly, hopelessly
Bare and naked
Pouring my blood all over you