light & shadow 1
Title: Light and Shadow (a continuation of Permanent happiness)
Author: ratherbrightred
Pairing: Baldwin/Balian/Tiberias (you got your wish AGAIN, Skuldchan!) but I promise, Tiberias plays a minor role.
Rating: nc-17!
Summary: An unabashedly plotless, sex-driven lepic. This exciting chapter: Balian returns to Jerusalem, Tiberias is noisy, Baldwin continues to be weepy.
A/N: the angst, people! I'm really sorry. I have never written something so angsty in my life. Also, yes, I promised myself to stop writing this for a week or two. Failed miserably.
and a disclaimer: Obviously Baldwin & Balian & Tiberias are not gay together, although Baldwin doesn't have much of a choice, given that the only woman in the film is his sister. None of these characters belong to me, and I mean no offense. Be sure to investigate the list of leprosy charities in the header for part one, as leprosy is very real, although my fic is not.
I caught a shimmer in his dark eyes before turning away from Nasir. I saw the glittering cross before I noticed the men. My beautiful Baldwin matched its radiance when the sun glinted off his mask. I watched him ride closer, amazed he could ride at all, and had to stop myself from running toward him. Saladin rode out to meet him; I couldn't tell if it was a mirage in the heat or if Baldwin was swaying in his saddle.
Later, when he pulled his horse up in front of Reynald, I could see that he was quite unsteady in his seat, and even more so when he climbed down from the kneeling horse. I felt a lump rise in my throat--he was much worse. I could tell from his voice, and from his unsteady feet. His hand had deteriorated further, if that was even possible. I was impressed with the blows he dealt Reynald; he was still a knight deep inside. Or so I thought, until he stumbled, nearly falling down. Tiberias helped him up; again, it took my all to hold still and not run to him. He called out to me from his bed, saying something about a use for me, but I could hardly hear him. I was completely absorbed by his tired eyes, still bright behind his shiny mask, a different one I'd never seen before.
Tiberias made it clear that I should come back to Jerusalem. "Three days," I told him, riding out with him. "Give me three days." He nodded, and I hung back to watch them leave, determined to stop in Ibelin for just one day, enough time to gather up my clothes, help Sibylla pack-I had a feeling that would be an ordeal-and ride out to Jerusalem without spending the night. This way I could bring my own clothes and avoid dressing like a circus performer, as was Baldwin's preference when it came to my wardrobe.
I did as I planned, despite Sibylla's objections. Most of her qualms had to do with leaving the house boy she had befriended, so I offered to bring him along to help with the baggage. We arrived late on our second day, and I slipped into Baldwin's room as quietly as possible, considering my boots and chain mail. I heard a sound, a voice, almost like singing, and tip-toed toward Baldwin's bed. Was it Tiberias? Was Tiberias singing a lullaby? Yes, he was. I stopped and listened, letting my eyes adjust to the dark room. I could see Baldwin's pale head against Tiberias' dark shoulder, his forearms wrapped around his chest, rocking him back and forth. Tiberias turned when I entered the room. "He's here," I heard him whisper. Baldwin stirred, reaching his hand out. "I told you he would come," Tiberias added. I walked toward the bed and knelt beside it, reaching out and stroking his arm.
"Balian," he whispered.
"Yes," I said, smiling at him. I held his hand in both of mine and brought it to my lips, kissing his bandages. "I'm sorry, my love, but I'm very dusty, much worse than last time. I have to bathe. Please excuse me."
Baldwin nodded, and Tiberias pulled away from him, following me out of the room. "I'll show you the way," he said, pulling on a robe and taking my arm.
"I know the way," I whispered.
"I need to talk to you," Tiberias replied, sitting on a bench and watching me fumble with my chain mail. He stood and helped me. "Can't tell you the number of quality fucks I've missed out on because of this damn chain mail," he muttered, pulling it off and piling it on a stool.
"How is he?" I asked, down to the last of my clothes. I felt Tiberias watch me closely as I perched on a stool and started washing myself.
"He told me he could barely make out Reynald's form in Kerak."
I poured a bucket of water over my head to rinse the soap off and slid into the hot pool, even warmer than I remembered it. I looked up as Tiberias shook off his robe and sunk into the pool beside me. He leaned the back of his head against the tiled edge and looked up at the shafts of moonlight filtering in through the holes in the dome above us.
"He is weak," Tiberias continued, shutting his eyes. "His hands and feet are a mess. I've seen them. He didn't know I was there."
"I've seen them too."
"He showed you?"
I nodded. Tiberias raised his eyebrows. "He loves you very much, then. Well, they're worse. More sores, bloody, horrible. He used to be able to feel my touch here-" Tiberias reached out and took my arm in his hand, running his thumb over the inside of my elbow. "Now he cannot, he feels my touch only here." Tiberias slid his hand up my arm and outlined my bicep with his fingers. "He has trouble walking. I carry him when he lets me."
Without realizing it, I had taken his hand in mine, moved it to my shoulder, and leaned my head against it. He pulled me closer, pressing my ear to his damp skin. "It's good that you're here. He's been asking for you."
"What did you have to tell me?"
"Just what I've said. He's worse. Carry him when you can. Just do it, don't ask permission."
"I should get back to him," I said quickly, pulling away and cutting my soak short. Tiberias followed me, hunting around for his clothes in the dark. Baldwin was sleeping. It wasn't that he snored, but he had a certain wheezy quality to his breath when he slept. I heard Tiberias curse as he tripped over something.
"Fucking battle crap," he muttered, kicking a toy soldier into the corner. Baldwin's even breath caught in his throat, then resumed.
"Stay," I whispered. Tiberias looked up. "You're going to hurt yourself and wake him if you keep that up." I climbed in bed beside Baldwin, and Tiberias climbed in the other side, pulling the blankets over his head, still grumbling about something. Baldwin stirred, reaching his hand out and patting the covers. I pulled his hand back and took him in my arms, pressing my mouth to his neck and warming his bandages. He made a little sound in the back of his throat, like a baby's happy gurgle, and I smiled, pulling away and letting him squirm around so his head nestled under my chin.
"Balian-" I opened my eyes. "Balian, are you here?"
"Yes, I'm here," I whispered, pulling him even closer.
"Then who's that?" he asked, dropping his voice and nudging Tiberias with his knee. Tiberias grumbled.
"That's Tiberias."
"What's he saying?"
We both paused and listened. "Greta, don't go…no…no circus…oh…so small…no circus…"
"I have no idea."
"Why didn't he go back to his room?"
"He was being noisy, finding his clothes. I didn't want to wake you."
"Oh. How thoughtful." He sighed, moving his hips against me ever so slightly. It was nearly dawn. The sky was grey, and the white sheets glowed like the surface of a pearl.
"Did I wake you? Can I help you get back to sleep?"
"You didn't wake me. I always wake at dawn…sometimes I go back to sleep. I used to watch you sleep. Now I can't watch you, so I listen to you breathe."
"Sweet Baldwin," I sighed, warming the crown of his head with my breath. "How do you feel? Are you in pain?"
"No."
"You can't see at all?"
"I can see light, and shadow. Sometimes color. I could see the color of Reynald's hair. It's so bright. Like fire."
"I should never have left you."
"If you hadn't, things would have been much worse than they were at Kerak. But I would be grateful if you would stay now, just a little while, until I...until it's over. It won't be long, I promise."
"Of course I will." I ran my fingers over his pale, bandaged head, tracing his ear and his jaw.
"Is Sibylla back?"
"Yes."
"Oh, good," he sighed, relaxing against me and shifting his hips again. I felt myself harden against him. He might have smiled. "She'll visit me today, I hope," he said to himself, pushing his hips against me more insistently and looking up. "What should we do about Tiberias?" We both looked over. Tiberias was snoring lightly, the sound muffled by a pillow, and he muttered the occasional cryptic phrase.
"I think he's asleep," I said, wrapping my hand around the back of Baldwin's neck and kissing him through his veil. I could tell his face had changed for the worse. He moaned into my mouth, wrapping his arm around my back and pulling me closer.
"I've missed you," he whispered, tilting his head back and letting me leave a trail of warm spots on his neck. "I've missed you very much."
I let my warm spots move lower, crawling under the blankets and parting his legs. I heard him whimper, whispering "Please," as I took his silky hardness in my mouth, my hand slipping beneath him when he arched his back. Tiberias was between me and what I'd started calling his silverware drawer. I pulled away, leaving his cock trapped in wet, translucent silk, and crawled up his body, kissing his cheek before climbing out of bed and walking around to the other side. As I was shutting the drawer, the oil and his gift clutched in my hand, Tiberias opened his eyes and winked at me. "I'll go," he whispered.
Baldwin turned his head and reached out to me. "What was that, Balian? I didn't hear you."
"It was me, my lord, telling Balian I'm leaving."
"Oh. You…you don't have to go." I saw Baldwin bite his lower lip, a surprised "what did I just say?" expression on his face.
"What would you have me do if I stay?" Tiberias asked, sliding closer and slipping his hand over Baldwin's wet spot. He moved his fingers up and down his length, his touch light and teasing.
I climbed back into bed, pulling Baldwin close. Tiberias did the same; Baldwin was squished between us, his breathing heavy and his eyes wide.
"You're so warm," he whispered, whimpering as I pulled him closer and Tiberias pushed up against his back. We rocked him back and forth between us. Tiberias reached out and ran his hand down my back, resting it on my hip. I was so used to Baldwin's silky, bandaged touch; his bare skin felt strange to me.
"What would you have me do?" Tiberias asked again, kissing the back of his neck.
"I…I want you to…"
"Yes?"
"I want you to give Balian what I cannot."
Tiberias and I looked at each other, and he raised his eyebrow. I smiled, cupping Baldwin's cheek in my hand. "My sweet darling," I whispered, kissing his forehead. "You give me enough. You give me everything."
"You do not want that?" he asked. "You do not want to feel flesh inside you?"
"I have felt you inside me."
"You've felt metal inside you, as if I was a shield or a sword." He shook his head, looking at but not into my eyes; his blindness preventing him from connecting with my gaze. "I want you to feel flesh inside you. And think of me."
I'm not sure how we chose the position we ended up in, but soon I was propped up on my elbows, my face close to Baldwin's, my hard cock pushing against his. My legs were bent and spread open, and Tiberias was working his fingers into me slowly, silently, making himself as invisible as possible. I held Baldwin's head in my hands, kissing him at regular intervals, and whispering into his ear. I pretended Tiberias' fingers were his. "I can feel you curl your fingers," I whispered, my body shaking as Tiberias found what he was looking for. I felt him pull away and kneel behind me. "I can feel you at my entrance," I continued, my breath warm on his ear. "You're wet, and hot, and oh, God, yes," I murmured, my narrative collapsing as Tiberias pushed into me.
"Do you like this?" Baldwin whispered, reaching up and touching the back of my neck. His touch was strange now, fumbling and awkward. Not being able to feel his hands, he must have relied on his vision to know where to put them. Without that, he moved uncertainly, his touch either light and hesitant or too abrupt and blunt.
"I do like it," I whispered back, kissing his cheek. I let Tiberias set our pace, pushing back against him enough to let him know I was enjoying myself. I felt my cock push against the warm, wet silk of Baldwin's robe. He arched his back beneath me, pushing his hips against me and pulling me closer.
"This is like our first time," he whispered, sighing as I traced the edge of his ear with my tongue. "Remember?"
"How could I forget?" I smiled, thinking that it felt like yesterday. I couldn't believe how much my life had changed since I left France. Cheese and pastries were worth sacrificing for the love I had found with Baldwin. I buried my nose in his neck and tried to smell something underneath the strange medicines on his skin. He said he hated how they smelled, but I thought the smell was sort of exotic and almost pleasant. Spicy, sharp and metallic, but not human at all.
Tiberias tightened his grip on my hips. He was close. So was Baldwin; he'd started the breathless moaning I had heard so many times. I was a ways off. I couldn't quite shake the thought that Tiberias must be infected with every sort of venereal disease imaginable after his prostitute marathon. I was pinned between a leper and a lecher. Baldwin managed to come first, but Tiberias continued plowing into me; I had underestimated his endurance.
"What is it?" Baldwin asked, his hand clumsily connecting with my cheek. He'd give me a black eye before this was over. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," I said, shaking my head. "Talk to me."
"What…what should I say?"
"Whatever you like. Whatever you think will make me come."
"I'm imagining you," he said hesitantly, his voice soft in my ear. I smiled. He wasn't a big talker, really. "I can see you in my mind's eye…you're so beautiful. I remember how you get little beads of sweat on your forehead, and how your eyes get darker, almost black, when you're close. Sometimes, at night, before I fall asleep, I remember you that way, pushing your hair out of your eyes, your pale, soft cheek against mine. I imagine myself whole, and healthy, without bandages, able to feel your beard against my neck."
He paused, his hand shaking a bit as he pulled away. He might have been crying; he'd been so weepy lately, almost as if his lifetime as a serious, dry-eyed king had to be countered in these last few weeks by tearful, romantic outbursts, just to balance the scales. "Oh, Balian, I wish it was me, I wish you felt me inside you now." I pushed back against Tiberias one last time and let myself go, adding to Baldwin's wet spot and pulling Tiberias over the edge with me. I felt him pull away and listened to him dress, cursing as he stepped on another toy soldier. Baldwin didn't notice. I pulled him close, rocking him back and forth. "I don't want to die," he whispered, his strange blind stare connecting with my eyes for a long moment. "I'm too young, Balian, I don't want to die-"
"Ssh, love, of course you don't," I sighed, shutting my eyes and wishing I could shut my ears. He kept saying it over and over, "I don't want to die, Balian," as if there was something I could do.
At last he fell silent, hiccupping once or twice before whispering, "I'm afraid."
I couldn't think of anything to say, so I just tightened my grip on him and willed some of my strength to pass into him. "Sleep," I whispered, my own eyelids feeling heavy.
I don't know if he slept or not, but I woke as he pulled away from me. I heard his servant's footsteps leave the room as I opened my eyes.
"I told Abul you would help me eat," he said, gesturing vaguely in the direction of the tray sitting on his night table.
"Of course." I took the bowl of fruit and settled him in my lap, remembering how much he liked to nibble it from my fingers.
"I have to hold an audience with Tiberias and the bishop." He sighed. "I do not like that bishop. He's shifty, and tricky. Never looked me in the eye."
"I'm not too fond of clergy myself."
Baldwin snorted. "I confess I'm not particularly devout. Although I haven't gone so far as to kill anyone over it."
"I will help you dress," I whispered, letting my fingers linger on his lips as he ate the last of the grapes. He sucked them in just a little bit; I felt his tongue touch my fingertips hesitantly.
"That feels nice," I said softly, smiling as he licked the last of the juice from my skin. He opened his mouth slightly and I slowly pushed two fingers further inside, letting his tongue explore my knuckles and the flesh between them. I shut my eyes, putting myself in his place and imagining that the contact between my fingers and his soft mouth was my whole world, as it surely was for him, unable to see or walk unaided. He pulled away eventually, leaving a small kiss on my damp skin, wrinkled from the moisture of his mouth.
"I should not have done that," he whispered, shaking his head.
"There is nothing you should not do," I told him, rubbing his flat, almost hollow stomach. He made that little happy sound I loved, and I smiled, spreading my fingers wider. "Let me help you with your clothes." He nodded, letting me pull off his nightclothes and dress him. I fumbled with his mask a bit, not sure how to attach it. "All right?" he nodded, and I pulled on my clothes, doing as Tiberias had instructed and picking him up without asking permission.
"This is most embarrassing," Baldwin muttered, shaking his head. I had one arm under his knees and the other around his shoulders. He was light, much lighter than I would have thought. His clothes made him look bigger than he was. "I'm like a small child, I have to be fed and carried; soon you'll have to burp me."
I laughed, carrying him to the open hall where he held court. I sat him down and smoothed out his veil. "I will carry you back," I whispered. "I'll be back soon, all I have to do is take a quick bath. Be strong, my love."
He nodded, turning his head to follow the sound of my footsteps as I walked away. Tiberias passed me on my way back to Baldwin's room. I stopped him, tapping his chest. "I'd better not have crabs after what happened this morning," I said, glaring at him. He laughed, shaking his head.
"I am not as wild in my ways as you think. And I pay scrupulous attention to my health, rest assured."
I must have looked suspicious, because he reached up and touched his gloved hand to my cheek. "Dear boy, you've nothing to worry about." And then after a brief pause, "You're precious, really. I can see why he likes you." I watched his cape billow out around his long, lean body, hoping that a sudden urge to itch my ass was psychosomatic.
Author: ratherbrightred
Pairing: Baldwin/Balian/Tiberias (you got your wish AGAIN, Skuldchan!) but I promise, Tiberias plays a minor role.
Rating: nc-17!
Summary: An unabashedly plotless, sex-driven lepic. This exciting chapter: Balian returns to Jerusalem, Tiberias is noisy, Baldwin continues to be weepy.
A/N: the angst, people! I'm really sorry. I have never written something so angsty in my life. Also, yes, I promised myself to stop writing this for a week or two. Failed miserably.
and a disclaimer: Obviously Baldwin & Balian & Tiberias are not gay together, although Baldwin doesn't have much of a choice, given that the only woman in the film is his sister. None of these characters belong to me, and I mean no offense. Be sure to investigate the list of leprosy charities in the header for part one, as leprosy is very real, although my fic is not.
I caught a shimmer in his dark eyes before turning away from Nasir. I saw the glittering cross before I noticed the men. My beautiful Baldwin matched its radiance when the sun glinted off his mask. I watched him ride closer, amazed he could ride at all, and had to stop myself from running toward him. Saladin rode out to meet him; I couldn't tell if it was a mirage in the heat or if Baldwin was swaying in his saddle.
Later, when he pulled his horse up in front of Reynald, I could see that he was quite unsteady in his seat, and even more so when he climbed down from the kneeling horse. I felt a lump rise in my throat--he was much worse. I could tell from his voice, and from his unsteady feet. His hand had deteriorated further, if that was even possible. I was impressed with the blows he dealt Reynald; he was still a knight deep inside. Or so I thought, until he stumbled, nearly falling down. Tiberias helped him up; again, it took my all to hold still and not run to him. He called out to me from his bed, saying something about a use for me, but I could hardly hear him. I was completely absorbed by his tired eyes, still bright behind his shiny mask, a different one I'd never seen before.
Tiberias made it clear that I should come back to Jerusalem. "Three days," I told him, riding out with him. "Give me three days." He nodded, and I hung back to watch them leave, determined to stop in Ibelin for just one day, enough time to gather up my clothes, help Sibylla pack-I had a feeling that would be an ordeal-and ride out to Jerusalem without spending the night. This way I could bring my own clothes and avoid dressing like a circus performer, as was Baldwin's preference when it came to my wardrobe.
I did as I planned, despite Sibylla's objections. Most of her qualms had to do with leaving the house boy she had befriended, so I offered to bring him along to help with the baggage. We arrived late on our second day, and I slipped into Baldwin's room as quietly as possible, considering my boots and chain mail. I heard a sound, a voice, almost like singing, and tip-toed toward Baldwin's bed. Was it Tiberias? Was Tiberias singing a lullaby? Yes, he was. I stopped and listened, letting my eyes adjust to the dark room. I could see Baldwin's pale head against Tiberias' dark shoulder, his forearms wrapped around his chest, rocking him back and forth. Tiberias turned when I entered the room. "He's here," I heard him whisper. Baldwin stirred, reaching his hand out. "I told you he would come," Tiberias added. I walked toward the bed and knelt beside it, reaching out and stroking his arm.
"Balian," he whispered.
"Yes," I said, smiling at him. I held his hand in both of mine and brought it to my lips, kissing his bandages. "I'm sorry, my love, but I'm very dusty, much worse than last time. I have to bathe. Please excuse me."
Baldwin nodded, and Tiberias pulled away from him, following me out of the room. "I'll show you the way," he said, pulling on a robe and taking my arm.
"I know the way," I whispered.
"I need to talk to you," Tiberias replied, sitting on a bench and watching me fumble with my chain mail. He stood and helped me. "Can't tell you the number of quality fucks I've missed out on because of this damn chain mail," he muttered, pulling it off and piling it on a stool.
"How is he?" I asked, down to the last of my clothes. I felt Tiberias watch me closely as I perched on a stool and started washing myself.
"He told me he could barely make out Reynald's form in Kerak."
I poured a bucket of water over my head to rinse the soap off and slid into the hot pool, even warmer than I remembered it. I looked up as Tiberias shook off his robe and sunk into the pool beside me. He leaned the back of his head against the tiled edge and looked up at the shafts of moonlight filtering in through the holes in the dome above us.
"He is weak," Tiberias continued, shutting his eyes. "His hands and feet are a mess. I've seen them. He didn't know I was there."
"I've seen them too."
"He showed you?"
I nodded. Tiberias raised his eyebrows. "He loves you very much, then. Well, they're worse. More sores, bloody, horrible. He used to be able to feel my touch here-" Tiberias reached out and took my arm in his hand, running his thumb over the inside of my elbow. "Now he cannot, he feels my touch only here." Tiberias slid his hand up my arm and outlined my bicep with his fingers. "He has trouble walking. I carry him when he lets me."
Without realizing it, I had taken his hand in mine, moved it to my shoulder, and leaned my head against it. He pulled me closer, pressing my ear to his damp skin. "It's good that you're here. He's been asking for you."
"What did you have to tell me?"
"Just what I've said. He's worse. Carry him when you can. Just do it, don't ask permission."
"I should get back to him," I said quickly, pulling away and cutting my soak short. Tiberias followed me, hunting around for his clothes in the dark. Baldwin was sleeping. It wasn't that he snored, but he had a certain wheezy quality to his breath when he slept. I heard Tiberias curse as he tripped over something.
"Fucking battle crap," he muttered, kicking a toy soldier into the corner. Baldwin's even breath caught in his throat, then resumed.
"Stay," I whispered. Tiberias looked up. "You're going to hurt yourself and wake him if you keep that up." I climbed in bed beside Baldwin, and Tiberias climbed in the other side, pulling the blankets over his head, still grumbling about something. Baldwin stirred, reaching his hand out and patting the covers. I pulled his hand back and took him in my arms, pressing my mouth to his neck and warming his bandages. He made a little sound in the back of his throat, like a baby's happy gurgle, and I smiled, pulling away and letting him squirm around so his head nestled under my chin.
"Balian-" I opened my eyes. "Balian, are you here?"
"Yes, I'm here," I whispered, pulling him even closer.
"Then who's that?" he asked, dropping his voice and nudging Tiberias with his knee. Tiberias grumbled.
"That's Tiberias."
"What's he saying?"
We both paused and listened. "Greta, don't go…no…no circus…oh…so small…no circus…"
"I have no idea."
"Why didn't he go back to his room?"
"He was being noisy, finding his clothes. I didn't want to wake you."
"Oh. How thoughtful." He sighed, moving his hips against me ever so slightly. It was nearly dawn. The sky was grey, and the white sheets glowed like the surface of a pearl.
"Did I wake you? Can I help you get back to sleep?"
"You didn't wake me. I always wake at dawn…sometimes I go back to sleep. I used to watch you sleep. Now I can't watch you, so I listen to you breathe."
"Sweet Baldwin," I sighed, warming the crown of his head with my breath. "How do you feel? Are you in pain?"
"No."
"You can't see at all?"
"I can see light, and shadow. Sometimes color. I could see the color of Reynald's hair. It's so bright. Like fire."
"I should never have left you."
"If you hadn't, things would have been much worse than they were at Kerak. But I would be grateful if you would stay now, just a little while, until I...until it's over. It won't be long, I promise."
"Of course I will." I ran my fingers over his pale, bandaged head, tracing his ear and his jaw.
"Is Sibylla back?"
"Yes."
"Oh, good," he sighed, relaxing against me and shifting his hips again. I felt myself harden against him. He might have smiled. "She'll visit me today, I hope," he said to himself, pushing his hips against me more insistently and looking up. "What should we do about Tiberias?" We both looked over. Tiberias was snoring lightly, the sound muffled by a pillow, and he muttered the occasional cryptic phrase.
"I think he's asleep," I said, wrapping my hand around the back of Baldwin's neck and kissing him through his veil. I could tell his face had changed for the worse. He moaned into my mouth, wrapping his arm around my back and pulling me closer.
"I've missed you," he whispered, tilting his head back and letting me leave a trail of warm spots on his neck. "I've missed you very much."
I let my warm spots move lower, crawling under the blankets and parting his legs. I heard him whimper, whispering "Please," as I took his silky hardness in my mouth, my hand slipping beneath him when he arched his back. Tiberias was between me and what I'd started calling his silverware drawer. I pulled away, leaving his cock trapped in wet, translucent silk, and crawled up his body, kissing his cheek before climbing out of bed and walking around to the other side. As I was shutting the drawer, the oil and his gift clutched in my hand, Tiberias opened his eyes and winked at me. "I'll go," he whispered.
Baldwin turned his head and reached out to me. "What was that, Balian? I didn't hear you."
"It was me, my lord, telling Balian I'm leaving."
"Oh. You…you don't have to go." I saw Baldwin bite his lower lip, a surprised "what did I just say?" expression on his face.
"What would you have me do if I stay?" Tiberias asked, sliding closer and slipping his hand over Baldwin's wet spot. He moved his fingers up and down his length, his touch light and teasing.
I climbed back into bed, pulling Baldwin close. Tiberias did the same; Baldwin was squished between us, his breathing heavy and his eyes wide.
"You're so warm," he whispered, whimpering as I pulled him closer and Tiberias pushed up against his back. We rocked him back and forth between us. Tiberias reached out and ran his hand down my back, resting it on my hip. I was so used to Baldwin's silky, bandaged touch; his bare skin felt strange to me.
"What would you have me do?" Tiberias asked again, kissing the back of his neck.
"I…I want you to…"
"Yes?"
"I want you to give Balian what I cannot."
Tiberias and I looked at each other, and he raised his eyebrow. I smiled, cupping Baldwin's cheek in my hand. "My sweet darling," I whispered, kissing his forehead. "You give me enough. You give me everything."
"You do not want that?" he asked. "You do not want to feel flesh inside you?"
"I have felt you inside me."
"You've felt metal inside you, as if I was a shield or a sword." He shook his head, looking at but not into my eyes; his blindness preventing him from connecting with my gaze. "I want you to feel flesh inside you. And think of me."
I'm not sure how we chose the position we ended up in, but soon I was propped up on my elbows, my face close to Baldwin's, my hard cock pushing against his. My legs were bent and spread open, and Tiberias was working his fingers into me slowly, silently, making himself as invisible as possible. I held Baldwin's head in my hands, kissing him at regular intervals, and whispering into his ear. I pretended Tiberias' fingers were his. "I can feel you curl your fingers," I whispered, my body shaking as Tiberias found what he was looking for. I felt him pull away and kneel behind me. "I can feel you at my entrance," I continued, my breath warm on his ear. "You're wet, and hot, and oh, God, yes," I murmured, my narrative collapsing as Tiberias pushed into me.
"Do you like this?" Baldwin whispered, reaching up and touching the back of my neck. His touch was strange now, fumbling and awkward. Not being able to feel his hands, he must have relied on his vision to know where to put them. Without that, he moved uncertainly, his touch either light and hesitant or too abrupt and blunt.
"I do like it," I whispered back, kissing his cheek. I let Tiberias set our pace, pushing back against him enough to let him know I was enjoying myself. I felt my cock push against the warm, wet silk of Baldwin's robe. He arched his back beneath me, pushing his hips against me and pulling me closer.
"This is like our first time," he whispered, sighing as I traced the edge of his ear with my tongue. "Remember?"
"How could I forget?" I smiled, thinking that it felt like yesterday. I couldn't believe how much my life had changed since I left France. Cheese and pastries were worth sacrificing for the love I had found with Baldwin. I buried my nose in his neck and tried to smell something underneath the strange medicines on his skin. He said he hated how they smelled, but I thought the smell was sort of exotic and almost pleasant. Spicy, sharp and metallic, but not human at all.
Tiberias tightened his grip on my hips. He was close. So was Baldwin; he'd started the breathless moaning I had heard so many times. I was a ways off. I couldn't quite shake the thought that Tiberias must be infected with every sort of venereal disease imaginable after his prostitute marathon. I was pinned between a leper and a lecher. Baldwin managed to come first, but Tiberias continued plowing into me; I had underestimated his endurance.
"What is it?" Baldwin asked, his hand clumsily connecting with my cheek. He'd give me a black eye before this was over. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," I said, shaking my head. "Talk to me."
"What…what should I say?"
"Whatever you like. Whatever you think will make me come."
"I'm imagining you," he said hesitantly, his voice soft in my ear. I smiled. He wasn't a big talker, really. "I can see you in my mind's eye…you're so beautiful. I remember how you get little beads of sweat on your forehead, and how your eyes get darker, almost black, when you're close. Sometimes, at night, before I fall asleep, I remember you that way, pushing your hair out of your eyes, your pale, soft cheek against mine. I imagine myself whole, and healthy, without bandages, able to feel your beard against my neck."
He paused, his hand shaking a bit as he pulled away. He might have been crying; he'd been so weepy lately, almost as if his lifetime as a serious, dry-eyed king had to be countered in these last few weeks by tearful, romantic outbursts, just to balance the scales. "Oh, Balian, I wish it was me, I wish you felt me inside you now." I pushed back against Tiberias one last time and let myself go, adding to Baldwin's wet spot and pulling Tiberias over the edge with me. I felt him pull away and listened to him dress, cursing as he stepped on another toy soldier. Baldwin didn't notice. I pulled him close, rocking him back and forth. "I don't want to die," he whispered, his strange blind stare connecting with my eyes for a long moment. "I'm too young, Balian, I don't want to die-"
"Ssh, love, of course you don't," I sighed, shutting my eyes and wishing I could shut my ears. He kept saying it over and over, "I don't want to die, Balian," as if there was something I could do.
At last he fell silent, hiccupping once or twice before whispering, "I'm afraid."
I couldn't think of anything to say, so I just tightened my grip on him and willed some of my strength to pass into him. "Sleep," I whispered, my own eyelids feeling heavy.
I don't know if he slept or not, but I woke as he pulled away from me. I heard his servant's footsteps leave the room as I opened my eyes.
"I told Abul you would help me eat," he said, gesturing vaguely in the direction of the tray sitting on his night table.
"Of course." I took the bowl of fruit and settled him in my lap, remembering how much he liked to nibble it from my fingers.
"I have to hold an audience with Tiberias and the bishop." He sighed. "I do not like that bishop. He's shifty, and tricky. Never looked me in the eye."
"I'm not too fond of clergy myself."
Baldwin snorted. "I confess I'm not particularly devout. Although I haven't gone so far as to kill anyone over it."
"I will help you dress," I whispered, letting my fingers linger on his lips as he ate the last of the grapes. He sucked them in just a little bit; I felt his tongue touch my fingertips hesitantly.
"That feels nice," I said softly, smiling as he licked the last of the juice from my skin. He opened his mouth slightly and I slowly pushed two fingers further inside, letting his tongue explore my knuckles and the flesh between them. I shut my eyes, putting myself in his place and imagining that the contact between my fingers and his soft mouth was my whole world, as it surely was for him, unable to see or walk unaided. He pulled away eventually, leaving a small kiss on my damp skin, wrinkled from the moisture of his mouth.
"I should not have done that," he whispered, shaking his head.
"There is nothing you should not do," I told him, rubbing his flat, almost hollow stomach. He made that little happy sound I loved, and I smiled, spreading my fingers wider. "Let me help you with your clothes." He nodded, letting me pull off his nightclothes and dress him. I fumbled with his mask a bit, not sure how to attach it. "All right?" he nodded, and I pulled on my clothes, doing as Tiberias had instructed and picking him up without asking permission.
"This is most embarrassing," Baldwin muttered, shaking his head. I had one arm under his knees and the other around his shoulders. He was light, much lighter than I would have thought. His clothes made him look bigger than he was. "I'm like a small child, I have to be fed and carried; soon you'll have to burp me."
I laughed, carrying him to the open hall where he held court. I sat him down and smoothed out his veil. "I will carry you back," I whispered. "I'll be back soon, all I have to do is take a quick bath. Be strong, my love."
He nodded, turning his head to follow the sound of my footsteps as I walked away. Tiberias passed me on my way back to Baldwin's room. I stopped him, tapping his chest. "I'd better not have crabs after what happened this morning," I said, glaring at him. He laughed, shaking his head.
"I am not as wild in my ways as you think. And I pay scrupulous attention to my health, rest assured."
I must have looked suspicious, because he reached up and touched his gloved hand to my cheek. "Dear boy, you've nothing to worry about." And then after a brief pause, "You're precious, really. I can see why he likes you." I watched his cape billow out around his long, lean body, hoping that a sudden urge to itch my ass was psychosomatic.