RP: And the winners are...

[trythepeasoup]

Date: 9 June, 2001
Characters: Tom, Parvati, Romilda, Penny, Sirius, Tracey, Narcissa, Luna, Snape, Jack, Kevin, Zach, Chambers, Cedric, Fleur, Bill, Pansy, anyone else
Status: Public
Summary: The winners of the auction are announced
Completion: Incomplete

Comments

[lunatastic]

Luna had given up writing for the day. Her wrist ached from all of the "practicing" she'd been doing. Being a boy required a lot of "practice" to keep her from coming so quickly. Plus, it was just fun.

She had an idea for the twins about making a potion that would make the sperm a different color or flavor, but they still weren't back, evidently, so she instead pondered asking about ordering the gender bending jelly in bulk. Surely there had to be a better way to do it long term, but then... the jelly was pretty tasty.

Since she hadn't had an opportunity to wear her blue dress ensemble, she decided too now, and was quite pleased with the result. The scarf really pulled the whole thing together, she thought.

Down the street at the Leaky, there was a commotion and her reporter antennae went up. Auctions! Wizarding Slavery! She was about to yell that this was wrong and had to stop, but then she realized it was for charity, and slavery was all right when someone nice benefited.

Or something.

So instead of screaming, she sidled up to the bar and ordered a peach kamikaze and looked over the winner's list, wondering if Theo should get a discount since his prize was technically dead.

But then... then she heard a familiar voice and perked up. She didn't know why, but she'd always been fond of Snape. Really, she thought if he just lightened up a little... maybe added some lace and changed into brighter colours that he'd be a much happier man. So she was always careful to give him a bright, brilliant smile, which she gave him now.

"Oh. Well, what this is, Professor, is a listing of who won what in an auction. Ooooh look! You won surfing and sailing! Won't that be fun? You'll have to get swim trunks! I don't think I've ever seen your legs properly," she said, squinting down at them as if she suspected they didn't exist.

[potente_draught]

Severus squinted at the young blonde bint chattering away at him. He tried to place her, thinking back all those years ago... he seemed to remember her in an appalling roaring-lion hat.

"Ah, Ms. Lovegood," he said, the name coming to him in a moment of inspiration, "Not wearing radishes dangling from our ears today, I see. How dreadful- were they moldy?"

[lunatastic]

Luna laughed. And laughed. Then she laughed more!

"Oh no! There aren't any Radrigals in London! They only infest Hogwarts! Why would I need to wear radishes in London?" She shook her head and gave Snape an indulgent look as if he were so very ignorant.

She threw her arms around Snape to hug him and sprung back before he had a chance to reject the affection. "Oh goodness, I forgot how funny you were! I only wish I'd been in Slytherin! Then I would've met Theo sooner and would've gotten to laugh all of the time! Although Professor Flitwick was very kind. Very kind. But not nearly so funny as you!" she exclaimed before pinching his cheek.

"Did you see the article I wrote about you?"

[potente_draught]

Severus' wand was in his hand immediately, his first response to such an attack upon his person. He held it pointed squarely at her chest. "Do not touch me, chit, or you will be dreadfully sorry."

He slapped her hand away from him. "I am not funny. I have never been funny. I am what nightmares are made of. Little Ravenclaws like you are supposed to whimper and wet themselves whenever I come near them!"

His eyes narrowed. Oh that's right, her father was some sort of publisher, wasn't he? So the girl wrote as well. "What the hell are you dithering on about? What article?"

[lunatastic]

"Eep!" Luna squeaked, frowning at Snape, blinking rapidly at how mean he was being. She wasn't scared in particular, she didn't think for a moment that Snape would actually hurt her. In spite of his cultivated reputation, he wasn't that ruthless or unreasonable.

But then, Luna thought Zach was nice.

"I never wet myself! Unless... you mean..." Luna blushed and her eyes widened. "What is with all of you boys from Hogwarts telling me all of this now after I'm engaged? I thought you were gay! What about your children, Professor? You know, the Assbloods I wrote about in my article?"

[potente_draught]

Severus could not for the life of him follow her train of thought. "What are you talking about, girl? Try to make sense rather than prattling on like a nincompoop!"

He put his wand away and straightened his robes. "I am gay and happily bonded, thank you very much. How on earth did you trap someone into marrying you? And just what exactly did you call my children?" He glared protectively.

[lunatastic]

Suddenly, Luna was rather deflated. "Oh... the poor Nincompoops," she said, shaking her head. "Such a sad, sad story. I'm afraid we'll never hear them prattling on again."

But then Snape was quite defensive. His wand was away, but he still sounded angry. She smiled at him and tilted her head. "I didn't trap them. I just asked. Terrence turned me down at first, but then he and Theo were quite happy to accept!"

She perked further as she got sudden inspiration. "I know you're gay and bonded! That's what I wrote about in my article! And the new class of people you invented-- the Arsebloods! It's terribly progressive of you. You know... we should do an interview on what you think their role in society will be!"

[potente_draught]

He would not engage her insanity. He had enough of that from Draco. He would not ask her just what she thought a nincompoop was. And he certainly would not ask her if she seriously meant she was marrying two men. But...

"Theo? Theodore Nott?" Severus stared. That boy had always worried him. How was it that this girl was not already cut up into tiny gibbering pieces? Well, he supposed she could take care of herself, but that was truly frightening. And clearly she had a hang up for Slytherins, if that was Terrence Higgs she was referring to also.

"Are you talking about how our children were delivered?" His eyes glittered dangerously. "Now that really is beyond the pale. I have half a mind to take house points from you, and neither of us are part of that school any longer! My family is off limits to you, girl, and don't you forget it!"

[lunatastic]

"Yes! Theodore Nott! He's so brilliant and kind and sweet!" she said happily. She thrust out her hand on which sat, curled around her ring finger, a jewel-encrusted gold serpent. It hissed in Snape's face when she presented it, a little silver tongue flicking out, pearly fangs dripping with... well, probably venom, but who knows? Those Notts were wacky. "See? We're engaged! I met his father in Azkaban and he was such a nice man. Stared at my tits a lot, though. Which just goes to show the appeal of the Rack of Awesomeness!"

But then Snape was angry yet again. Clearly, he didn't understand! "You are pioneers in the gay movement! Working hard to give life where there was once only feces! You should be proud of your accomplishments and helping to spread the word of how other gay men can do the same!"

[potente_draught]

What Severus did not say was "Theodore Nott is a raving loony and his father is even worse". Because that would mean Severus cared, which he did not. Instead, he said, "Best of luck to all of you. I'm sure you make a charming couple. Threesome, rather."

He looked beseechingly toward Tom. Tom had food. Severus could take the food and escape, if only the man could read his mind and get his order ready for him. "We are not pioneers of any sort, young woman. Now go away."

[lunatastic]

"Why thank you, Professor, that's terribly sweet!" she said of his congratulations. In thanks she popped forward to kiss his cheek.

But then... the nagging questions started in her mind. Questions that her article brought up that she couldn't resolve without Snape. "So... Professor... did you know this was going to happen? I mean, with the death of Voldemort and his vindictive backlash curse that turned most of the Wizarding World gay? Do you know what kind of curse it was? Was Harry Potter effected the most? Is that why he's taken up with the gayest gay boy who ever gayed? What do you know about the death of Voldemort and the homofication of the Wizarding world?"

[potente_draught]

Severus decided that he would slip a slow acting poison into her drink the next time he saw her. Damnation- why didn't he carry one with him always?

"I thought I told you not to touch me," he snapped, wiping his cheek with the back of his hand. "What are you on about? Homofication? At least you're right about Draco. He certainly is gayer than most but- tell me you aren't suggesting that the Dark Lord changed people's gender preferences? That is patently untrue! What drivel are you spewing forth?"

[lunatastic]

Luna narrowed her eyes at him, giving him her suspicious glare. That's right. Suspicion. She was no Legilimens, but she had a pretty good idea of when someone was having her on, or just plain not being truthful.

"Tell me this then, Professor... before Voldemort was defeated, had you engaged in homosexual relations before? Aside from the obvious Death Eater orgies and revels we all knew you had, of course. I mean to ask if you were in a homosexual relationship before Voldemort died."

[potente_draught]

Severus fixed her with a Death Glare. "My private life is none of your concern, you wretched creature. I will not dignify your ridiculousness with any sort of response!"

He waved to Tom desperately. "Food. For three. Edible food, as quickly as possible." He glared at Tom too, just to cover his bases.

The Lovegood chit was still standing next to him. He wanted to swat her. "Nothing about me changed, do you understand? I have no idea where you receive your absurd notions. You are clearly even crazier than I remember you, which is really saying something."

[lunatastic]

"The public has the right to know, Mr Lupin-Snape! Just what do you know? You're awfully defensive for there having been nothing going on. What are you hiding?" she asked; her eyes mere slits now. Luna, hot on the idea of a story, could be quite merciless, and now she believed that Snape was hiding something.

"I'm not crazy! I was, but I'm not crazy now! You're hiding something! What are you hiding, Snape?" This was it! Gold! Snape's denials obviously pointed to a painful truth that no one else had yet to discover!

"That's all right, then. Your denial speaks volumes, Professor. You've not heard the end of this!" With that, she reached out her hand so her snake ring could hiss in his face again, and she leaned in and whispered, "I was being nice, you know. You're lucky I'm still a ninja in training or I would've flipped out and cut off your head with my Ultimate Power."

[potente_draught]

"You are absolutely out of your tree, girl," Severus snarled, backing away from her. "I deny nothing, you crazy bint. Denial and telling you to mind your own bleeding business are two different things entirely!"

They were drawing stares, but Severus was feeling supremely annoyed. Perhaps it was time to teach the child a lesson. He had been a teacher for many years, after all. Smiling nastily at her, he hit her with a leek curse, and two large leeks sprouted out of her ears.