(no subject)
I don't know why I worried about any of this shit. Things have a way of working out when you leave them well enough alone. Sarah came back for a week and everything is fine. I am happy, I am okay and its all gonna be just fine. In my life, in my world...things can be nothing less. I think I once heard that a smile can say a thousand things with a thousand meanings. I like that. Right when she left we were at the airport, killing time before she boarded the plane, and she looked at me. Looked me right in the eye and said "Fuck thos. Fuck him, I'm coming back and I'm staying." Not too long ago there was a very different Adam who never thought he would ever hear those words coming from her. Once again, funny how shit works out. We still talk every day, she does her thing up there which is fine except for one thing: She hates being at her house, never has a phone and is thus...seldom there. So I don't get to talk to her much these days. I mean yeah I hear from her at least once a day usually but its never for very long. Which sucks cause I'm like so addicted to her that if I don't hear from her, my mind dissolves into chaos. But I'm a big boy and I grit and bear and it continue on knowing she'll call me when she can. I really don't get how I became this needy and whats stranger is its strictly delegated to where she's concerned. Nobody and nothing else I need like that and never have. I miss her daily and ever still she's the most constant and upfront thing in my mind. And every thought I have of her brings the biggest, dumbest shit eating smile. Well I guess that's love for you.
I moved out, moved in with my boys in the college park. Now I enjoy have my own place. Seriously, I roll out of bed, I hit the bong...light a cigarette, scratch my nuts and get ready for work. They live like slobs but I'm slowly working on cleaning the place up. I want to get in the habit of living on my own AND being clean and responsible so that when Sarah returns, she's moving in not just with a boyfriend, but also somebody who's got his shit together. Capable of supporting not only himself but also her as well. At least until she gets a job and then we support each other obviously. Got a job working with screens and shutters and I'm finally in a place where I can get ahead. I finally have a job that is gonna put me well on the path to getting myself in a financially secure, indepdenent living style. A place now where I have options. Things I can buy and invest in. Like take for example, I am going to save for a truck so that I will be able to get more work, thus make more money and thus be able to further support myself. It'll help because she and I will both have vehicles, more work and more pay means I can pay for the car payments, the car insurance, the rent, the utilities, etc. Its refreshing----No. More than that...it feels fucking great to be doing something with my life. To finally feel like I'm getting somewhere in all this. More than anything though...the icing on the cake...shit the icecream in the middle is the idea that I'll actually be living with her. Its like the first true foundations of us having a serious relationship together. How will we deal with the trials and tribulations? Will it be as wonderful as I think? All these things. I'm just excited. But its more than just excitement, its confidence too. Cause I can sit and look at the tight, very close relationship she and I have, even at this stage where we are just friends. I see the how open the communication is and it just seems to me that she and I share the kind of connection and all the ingredients for a very long, very happy relationship. I mean I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket but by all the facts, this is every bit as good as it looks. So pretty much on all my fronts things are very good. I'm happy, I feel light and free and I stand, staring at a horizon of opportunity. This is the time for me to enjoy this and set myself up properly so that like life, when things get tough I'm still gonna be okay. that we're gonna be okay.
You know...This is something I've thought of alot these past few months. Had I not met her and she and I not gotten involved I think I'd still be living at home, that I'd be hardly giving a shit about the future or about my life or anything in it. I think I'd still be trying to roll around in the free ride. But because now I have something that is so important to me that everything else comes secondary, I seem to have pulled myself together...and gotten my act together to be ready. To get this important thing, which is her. Since she's been in my life and its been a possibility for us to be together, I've not only begun saving, I've moved out, I've gotten a good job, I've starting growing up all around. Because I have this important person who I want to spend pretty much the rest of my life with...or at the very least...a really, really, really, really long time with and I want to be in a position, a place, a mindset in life to where I can provide for her. To be something worth while. So that in that life I have with her, that we don't ever have to worry. I dunno. Its all nice and well to think about it, but ultimately we'll see how it goes. I'ma just keep trying to make it happen.
And the wheels of Ka turn ever on.
I moved out, moved in with my boys in the college park. Now I enjoy have my own place. Seriously, I roll out of bed, I hit the bong...light a cigarette, scratch my nuts and get ready for work. They live like slobs but I'm slowly working on cleaning the place up. I want to get in the habit of living on my own AND being clean and responsible so that when Sarah returns, she's moving in not just with a boyfriend, but also somebody who's got his shit together. Capable of supporting not only himself but also her as well. At least until she gets a job and then we support each other obviously. Got a job working with screens and shutters and I'm finally in a place where I can get ahead. I finally have a job that is gonna put me well on the path to getting myself in a financially secure, indepdenent living style. A place now where I have options. Things I can buy and invest in. Like take for example, I am going to save for a truck so that I will be able to get more work, thus make more money and thus be able to further support myself. It'll help because she and I will both have vehicles, more work and more pay means I can pay for the car payments, the car insurance, the rent, the utilities, etc. Its refreshing----No. More than that...it feels fucking great to be doing something with my life. To finally feel like I'm getting somewhere in all this. More than anything though...the icing on the cake...shit the icecream in the middle is the idea that I'll actually be living with her. Its like the first true foundations of us having a serious relationship together. How will we deal with the trials and tribulations? Will it be as wonderful as I think? All these things. I'm just excited. But its more than just excitement, its confidence too. Cause I can sit and look at the tight, very close relationship she and I have, even at this stage where we are just friends. I see the how open the communication is and it just seems to me that she and I share the kind of connection and all the ingredients for a very long, very happy relationship. I mean I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket but by all the facts, this is every bit as good as it looks. So pretty much on all my fronts things are very good. I'm happy, I feel light and free and I stand, staring at a horizon of opportunity. This is the time for me to enjoy this and set myself up properly so that like life, when things get tough I'm still gonna be okay. that we're gonna be okay.
You know...This is something I've thought of alot these past few months. Had I not met her and she and I not gotten involved I think I'd still be living at home, that I'd be hardly giving a shit about the future or about my life or anything in it. I think I'd still be trying to roll around in the free ride. But because now I have something that is so important to me that everything else comes secondary, I seem to have pulled myself together...and gotten my act together to be ready. To get this important thing, which is her. Since she's been in my life and its been a possibility for us to be together, I've not only begun saving, I've moved out, I've gotten a good job, I've starting growing up all around. Because I have this important person who I want to spend pretty much the rest of my life with...or at the very least...a really, really, really, really long time with and I want to be in a position, a place, a mindset in life to where I can provide for her. To be something worth while. So that in that life I have with her, that we don't ever have to worry. I dunno. Its all nice and well to think about it, but ultimately we'll see how it goes. I'ma just keep trying to make it happen.
And the wheels of Ka turn ever on.